All posts by Em & Lo

Our New Music Crush: Sharon Van Etten

We were lucky enough to see Sharon Van Etten perform live a few weeks back… okay, just Em was: We’re not literally attached at the hip, though Em is sure Lo would have loved it, too. She manages to be both warm and even slightly dorky on stage, while simultaneously oozing rock star chic (all bangs in the face, no cleavage in sight) — and then she sings a love song that wrenches your heart out.

Her new album, “Are We There” (it’s her third), comes out on May 26th, and we can’t stop listening to the song on it called, “Every Time the Sun Comes Up.” The best couplet in the entire song was apparently a joke. Here are the lyrics:

I washed your dishes,
But I shit in your bathroom

It may not look like much on paper, but listen to the song (the video is above is from a live session at N.M.E. in London), or, better yet, hear her sing it live, and you’ll get why we’re crushing. According to an article in Pitchfork: “She says this is a joke that merely stayed in place — the product of a very late and giggly night in the studio with her band — but her willingness to allow it to become permanent is telling. Van Etten isn’t particularly interested in obscuring or mediating the grand mess of being alive.”

Her earlier albums — back when she was in a shittier, emotionally abusive relationship — addressed the pure terror of being in love. But then she fell in love with a bartender who was the only one listening to her set in a New York City bar a few years back, and she got a little more optimistic about love. The new album, according to Pitchfork, is about “being unafraid in love — about seeing love as a kind of high-stakes trust-fall, and screaming at the other person to just fucking fall already; then, the concomitant feeling, the fear of falling, the way it paralyzes you.”

We’ll drink to that!

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Ep 1)

photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. When on a date, follow the same rule of the writer: show, don’t tell. Do not say “I have a lot to offer” as your opening gambit. Prove it by being charming, smart, funny, compassionate and so on.
  2. Do not refer to your date as “ma’am” at any point, even if you’re just trying to be polite (we’re talking to you, “Yes ma’am” Marquel).
  3. Don’t have a type. As Andi wisely noted, she’s always been attracted to a particular type of guy but she’s still single, so it’s probably time to mix things up. Keeping an open mind when it comes to dating will only increase your chances of finding love.
  4. Know when to stop drinking on a first date. Did you notice all the guys drinking tea and coffee by the end of the evening? Now that’s refreshing.
  5. If you have to explain your name by saying “It’s ‘anal’ with an ‘m’,” have your name legally changed (we’re talking to you, Emil).

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Your Call: Is It Normal Not to Want Sex?


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Almost one year ago I had sex for the first time. Since then I haven’t had the urge at all, is this normal? No matter how hot a guy is I just don’t care make conversation (it also doesn’t help that I’m an introvert who is terrible conversing with the opposite sex anyway). Do you have any advice?

— Meh.

What advice do you have for Meh? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-19-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Omigod, it so totally worked! Your new Urban Outfitters alterna-wardrobe has totally given you this new mysterious air, and don’t think the alterna-hotties haven’t noticed. They’ll be lining up to write angst-filled sonnets dedicated to you. Now you won’t even have to smoke to look cool!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There comes a time in everyone’s life when there’s only one place to turn for advice — a Bette Midler movie. Your time has come: Your life lessons for the week are to be found in Beaches. (Oh, who are we kidding: When you’re looking for advice in a Bette Midler movie, it’s Beaches or nothing. ) So anyway, there’s this three-hanky scene where Bette’s mom asks her, “Why’d you leave your husband?” and Bette replies, “Because he stopped paying attention to me.” And good old mom launches into this whole long speech about love and giving and sacrifice and compromise, and how, if you go through life expecting people to pay attention to your needs all the time, eventually you’ll just wear everyone out and die alone. So there you have it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Do you ever feel like everyone’s getting a little somefin’ somefin’ except you? Yeah, well maybe that’s because everyone else is putting a little effort in. You can’t just sit at home and wait for booty to ring the doorbell. Unless you want to make it with a Jehovah’s Witness. And it’s highly unlikely they’re going to accept your advances.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Be a go-getter. Close the deal. Make the sale. Visualize success. Be in it for the long haul. Be the ball. Do everything those Motivational Posters tell you to do, except do it in the bedroom. Now who’s the boss of you, huh?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it — in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you. . . and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve heard it before: Relationships take work. But it seems like you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting lately. Where’s your beloved? Probably out back working on their tan. If you’re going to get this house o’ love built, you’ve got to get your partner off their butt. If not, it’ll be time to give up and just pitch a tent on your own.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Looking into our crystal balls, we see. . . lots of spermatozoa! Okay, okay, not what you we’re looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some “fresh air.” But it’s a long way down and, unlike cats, you don’t bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your derrière)  intact.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just because someone asks to borrow your notes from Physics doesn’t mean they want to have your baby.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret affairs are sexy and exciting and dangerous and thrilling . . . on the surface. But at their very core, by their very nature, they are based on lies and fear and deceit and mistrust. Are we right or are we right? Do you want to be superficial or deep? That’s what we thought.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We don’t have to tell you that there are at least fifty ways to leave your lover: what you might need reminding of is why you should consider making a new plan, Stan. Everyone needs to lean on their loved one every now and again, but your partner has been subsidizing you for too long. Whether that subsidy is financial or emotional we can’t say (the stars were a little unclear on that point) but we do know that it’s time to pull a Paul Simon and go solo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t keep things bottled up inside. Express yourself. Open the doors of communication. Pour out your heart and soul. Spill your guts.

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Does Enjoying Anal Play Mean You’re Gay?

Something we here an awful lot around these here parts is the concern many straight men have with receiving — and, heaven forbid, enjoying — a little backdoor attention. Just this week we got another comment on the topic:

My boyfriend has recently discovered he likes me lubing him up and fingering his anus, rimming him, and pleasuring him with sex toys. I think it’s amazing and I really enjoy doing it to him, and knowing that he has been so open about it is great. The only thing ruining it a little is that he feels it’s wrong because of so many people making comments about it being wrong and that enjoying it must mean you’re gay. That is utter rubbish, and completely ignorant of some people. I have found in the past that most of the men who think it’s wrong and gay are most commonly the ones that actually enjoy it and only deny it because everyone else does. It doesn’t make you less of a man for doing it, all it proves it that you’re close enough with your partner to be that open and comfortable to explore new things with them. I have reassured my boyfriend and we will be continuing to do this.

We couldn’t agree more! So let’s review one more time what enjoying anal play is (and is not) all about:

  • A well-adjusted person’s pleasant, consensual and safe sexual experience — whatever that may be — with another well-adjusted adult is is good thing. If we’re specifically talking about anal play, then engaging in it with someone you trust is well within the realm of healthy sexual experimentation, no matter your sexual orientation.
  • Nerve endings aren’t gay or straight, people are. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion. You engage in sexual activities with people you are attracted to — that’s a large part of what makes them enjoyable. If you’re not attracted to the person on a primal level, you’re not going to enjoy the sex. So if you’re not into guys, you’re not going to enjoy one of them intimately massaging your prostate. But if you’re into girls, then you very well may like having one travel down your hershey highway, because it’s chock-full of nerves that respond to stimulation (the right kind of stimulation, whatever that is for you).
  • Speaking of the right kind of stimulation, the prostrate and its surrounding nerves play an important role in male orgasm, so stimulating them through anal and rectal stimulation can actually increase sensation and thus pleasure, whether you are gay or straight.
  • If you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe.
  • Women who encourage their male partners to accept a little anal attention or who enjoy wearing strap-ons are  not sexual manipulators stripping men of all willpower and masculinity without a care for anything but their own sexual fantasies and satisfaction. It takes two to tango. If a guy doesn’t want his backdoor knocked on, there’s no way his girlfriend is somehow sneaking in a strap-on dildo. Even if his girlfriend is Angelina Jolie. (Okay, maybe he’d make an exception…)
  • Some suggest that bum-loving is a ride you can never get off. We will happily admit that some people may try a sexual activity, enjoy it thoroughly, and then want to include in their repertoire on a regular basis from then on. Everyone has their preferences. But the suggestion that once you go “back” you can never go back — no matter who you are — is ludicrous. Plenty of people are happy to try new things, enjoy them, but then can take them or leave them. Again, the average person could certainly go without, due to a breakup or an unwilling partner they really cared about.
  • Some people argue that a decidedly straight guy who enjoys anal play but suddenly finds himself without a female partner might rebel against every sexual instinct he’s experienced since childhood and suddenly “go gay.” Bullpucky! If some people were so desperate for a specific sex act after a break-up — let’s say, oral sex — then by this argument, there would be many more cases where otherwise well-adjusted people felt compelled to turn to their golden retrievers for their similar licking abilities. We’re not saying this hasn’t happened in the history of sex and pets, but that’s not a legitimate, reasonable or logical reason for people to avoid cunnilingus or fellatio altogether with partners they care about. And let us not forget: one can can simply choose from a plethora of butt-safe toys to replicate the sensation during masturbation when they’re in between partners.
  • Plenty of guys will try being on the receiving end of butt sex and not like it. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not gay!
  • All this is not to say that for some people sexual orientation is not fluid. Many people are bisexual, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with partners you trust, whether they fall in line with your current sexual orientation or not. Would that make you gay? Only if you want it to. The range of sexual activity is so wide that we believe you should define yourself however you see fit, even if it’s not neatly black or white. It’s your sexual identity — own it. You’re free to play around with sexual roles. That’s usually where one can broaden their horizons, see how ridiculous some of the assumptions they have about sex or gender roles are, and have the most fun!

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Dream Interpretation: My Ex and I Get Back Together and We’re…Happy!


photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

My ex and I have been broken up for a year and I dream about him often. The dreams come and go but they mostly consist of us getting back together. Which I know will never happen any time soon because I messed that up when we broke up. But in these dreams I am so happy and on another level because we are finally together. This dream occurs twice a month. Any thoughts?

LauriIt is actually very common to dream of getting back together with a recent ex, even for those whose exes were horrible and abusive. In your case I believe there are two layers to this dream; one is the obvious one… your dreams are an honest expression of your desire to be back with him and happy again.

The other layer is that your deep inner mind is trying to help you come to peace with the whole thing. This is why people who were in horrible relationships get this dream of being back and happy with the terrible ex — it’s all about coming to terms and being at peace with what happened. We humans have a really hard time letting the past be in the past and we allow it to stay alive and in our present mind, so our wiser dreaming mind tries to help us be at peace with it.

So for you I say, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Actually, I think Dr. Seuss said that… or maybe it was Bryan Cranston.

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

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The 5 Stages of Sexual Grief


photo via Flickr

Making huge stupid mistakes in bed — we’re talking, like, of epic proportions — is a universal experience. People from all walks of life do dumb things they regret in the morning — it’s an inevitable part of life and love. But while there is no right way to mourn your sexual indiscretions, please know that one thing is certain: as long as you have a support network of good friends who have short attention spans, private access to reliable erotica, and the ability to move to a new city, you will get through this.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction of a terrible sexual experience is to deny the reality of the situation. “It only seemed like I lasted 30 seconds because it was such good sex, surely it was longer.” Or: “There’s no way my boss will figure out I masturbated in her office. Now where did I put those monogrammed panties?” Or: “There was so much moaning going on, there’s no way she heard me call her ‘mommy.'” It is a normal defense mechanism that eases the bad blow (job). Rest assured, this is a temporary response that gets you through the first wave of humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret.

 

2. Anger

You can only lie to yourself for so long; eventually reality must dawn on you. But when it does, you still probably won’t be ready to wake up. Rather than emotionally processing the humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret, you deflect it and express it as anger:

  • Your mother is to blame for your inability to get naked without crying…
  • The angle of your boyfriend’s stupid penis is what caused you to queef, which in turn made you try to blame it on the cat…
  • It’s your roommate’s fault that he found you naked with the dog and a jar of peanut butter because he’s the one who insisted on getting a pet in the first place!

You may lash out at these people, or at total strangers…strangers who happen to be making out on your bus home from a long, shitty day at work…throwing the fact of their healthy sex life in your face…until you throw the wadded-up wrapper from your tasteless Big Mac at them while running off the bus at your stop, screaming “GET A ROOM!!!” Or you might take out your frustrations on inanimate objects, like violently shoving your Magic Wand down the garbage disposal.

 

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of sexual inadequacy, ignorance or stupidity is often a need to regain control:

  • If only I hadn’t drunk dialed him that fifth time the other night…
  • If only I had deleted my browser history…
  • If only I had worn a condom that last time (never mind all the other times I somehow skated by without them)…
  • If only I hadn’t used a dick slap as my opening move…

Secretly, you might try to make a deal with some higher power — God, your spouse, your Internet service provider — in an attempt undue what’s already been done. Sorry, sucker: it ain’t gonna happen.

 

4. Depression

This is when it really hits home: you realize how royally you fucked up with the fucking. And it makes you want to lock the front door, turn off your phone, and curl up in a ball with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a Tori Spelling marathon on Lifetime. Go ahead and do it, because, let’s face it, you really shouldn’t be showing your face in public right now. But don’t worry, Pookie, it won’t always be this bad (see number 5 below).

 

5. Acceptance

Most people with at least an ounce of self-awareness will eventually come to accept the fact that they did something sexually stupid, the world didn’t end, and they were able to emerge from their Lifetime cocoon (fairly) unscathed. Acceptance will come quicker if you proactively try to learn from your mistakes and vow to never commit them again: we’re talking to you, bare-backer / never-called-backer / porn-liar / point-and-giggler / best-friend’s-partner-fucker. If you need help fully achieving this stage, write to us for advice — our tough love can be quite soul cleansing.

 

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We’re Full of Advice, May We Give You Some?

The inbox for our Q&A advice column goes through phases: Some months, we barely have time to read all the advice questions that come into EMandLO.com — though we do read every single one, we promise! And other months, like this one, the flow is more of a trickle, and we find ourselves with all this advice burning a hole in our pocket and nowhere to spend it.

So, please, won’t you send us your questions? We promise we are unshockable — we have been ever since that woman asked for advice on getting her Labrador to give her consensual cunnilingus (or perhaps ever since that guy who worked in a morgue asked which STDs, if any, he could get from sleeping with a corpse). And right now, your odds of getting your dilemma answered — either by us, or by the EMandLO.com community at large, in our Your Call feature — are incredibly good. If you don’t send us your anonymous questions, we’ll be forced to start answering each other’s advice questions, and that could get messy fast.

If you over-share, we promise to be kind, unless tough love is called for, in which case, we promise to be fair.

Click here to submit your anonymous advice question to EMandLO.com

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The Weirdest “Sex” Photos from Getty Images, Part 1

 

When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to launch a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images today. This inaugural installment highlights the weirdest — actually, there are so many we have to present them in two installments (stay tuned for Part 2 next week). And to be clear, we do not intend any negative judgment by our use of the word “weird,” we simply mean unusual, unexpected, curious, silly and/or wonderful. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Want even more weird shit?
The Weirdest Sex Photos from Getty, Part 2! (NSFW)

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I F’ed Up Royal: A Tale of Infidelity, Told in Stock Photography

Our friend Ben Weber just added a second series to I F’ED UP ROYAL, his hilarious and strange webseries about marriage and infidelity, told entirely via stock photography and “repurposed” photos. Don’t worry if you’re not caught up — you can watch an entire season in less time than it takes you to do a 7-minute workout. Episode one, season one, is above; you can watch every episode here.

By the way, if Ben looks familiar to you, it might be because you still obsessively re-watch old episodes of Sex and the City (hi, Skippy, a.k.a. dude #11 on BuzzFeed’s ranking of the 107 men of Sex and City); it might be because you have a particular fondness for Oscar Mayer commercials; or you could simply be mistaking him for Tom Hanks (you can hire him for that).

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People Really Do Win on EMandLO.com!

photo via Flickr

In the past few weeks, we here at EMandLO.com (that would be us, Em & Lo) have held several quick, kick-ass contests with real live winners:

  • Amanda won a gift certificate to pleasure object purveyor LELO worth $200. 
  • Keirsten won a sensual Mother’s Day gift basket from Tess & James worth $70.
  • Alex won a gift package from Trojan worth $40.
  • And Chris won a selection of lubes for this hilarious Tweet based on our dare here — the bragging rights of which are priceless!

That’s a lot of swag in return for very little effort: Each of these contests simply required a mere “Like” here or a “Retweet” there. The craziest thing about these contests, though? They only had a handful of entrants each! Seriously, your chances of winning on EMandLO.com are huge, people — HUGE!

Do you think you can’t win? Is there something dirty about winning something sex-related? That’s the whole point! So the next time you see us holding a contest, enter it —  you’ll probably win. 

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-12-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, you’ll feel wild and passionate. Your body language will speak for itself…unless you have a limp. In that case, you should just speak for yourself. Either way, you should get a wild and passionate response in return.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Observe the person you’re interested in, because the more you know about them the easier it will be to seduce them. A calculated approach will work wonders for you. Note to creeps and weirdos: The preceding is not permission to eavesdrop, read private emails or diaries, spy with binoculars, sneak into apartments, rifle through underwear drawers, or otherwise stalk.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How can anyone resist you when you have so many interesting things to share? An antique vibrator collection, the ability to turn your tongue upside down, an encyclopedic knowledge of Kim Kardashian’s “career.” Take a look around — okay, take a really good, close look (in hobby message boards if you have to) — and you’ll soon discover that you already have a number of potential partners with similar interests and like-minds to choose from. You all deserve each other.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t put too much emphasis on wanting to be in a committed relationship. The more you do to please yourself, the more confident you will appear to others and the more likely it is that you’ll find true love. And yes, we’re talking about masturbation.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be too quick to pursue someone who is playing hard to get. Play hard to get yourself by playing Boggle or basketball or hide & seek with someone else. Game playing: It’s what’s for dinner!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Step up to the podium and be entertaining and you will be sure to entice a number of interesting partners who are intent on winning your heart. This may mean karaoke. It may mean entering a local air guitar competition. It may mean running for office. Whatever it is, just get up there and make an ass of yourself — love (and embarrassment) will surely be yours!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re hotter than Georgia asphalt, hotter than pleather in a heat wave, hotter than the earth will be by 2100, when the ice caps have melted and all the coastal cities are underground due to global warming. You should be able to attract all the attention you want this week. Then again, maybe you just have a fever.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will win someone’s affections by being attentive and letting your feelings be known. The time is right to get serious. So don’t crack any jokes, not even that funny one you heard on The Daily Show. Be earnest and austere. Sometimes having a stick up your butt can be sexy.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Stop worrying about being in a committed relationship. Take it slow and have some fun. Figure out what you need and want, not what someone else needs and wants from you. But if what you need and want is a pony, well then, you’re shit out of luck.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t go chasing love like a hyper dog, humping its leg every chance you get. No one likes a dog humping their leg (unless they’re a bit touched in the head). No, let love come to you first, let it slowly approach you and sniff your butt. You’ll be humping each other in no time.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re single, so mingle! Eat some dip and Pringles. But don’t hum commercial jingles. If you’re bilingual in the languages of English and love, soon you’ll meet someone who’ll make you tingle. Okay, no more rhyming now, we mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t let anyone back you into a corner or you may end up in a vulnerable position…like, um, in a corner with nowhere to turn. Avoid corners this week.

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My Wheelchair Isn’t There to Make You Feel Better About Your Breakup

photo via flickr

We recently published a post titled, “10 Things That Feel Better Than Getting Revenge On An Ex.” It was meant to be a feel good, git ‘er done kind of list, to help you move on from a crappy, undeserving ex. Entry #2 on our list was “Be a Better Person,” and we explained it this way: “Volunteer somewhere. Because nothing puts your own problems in perspective like helping out people who are even less fortunate than you are. You know, people who fought for their country and ended up in a wheelchair…”

Reader J. correctly took us to task, in the comment published below — instead of a Comment of the Week, consider this our Mea Culpa of the Week (though we hope this won’t be a weekly occurrence!). Our sincere apologies, we never meant to imply that people in wheelchairs exist simply to make the recently heartbroken feel better about their loss, or to provide some kind of sorely needed perspective. We’ll work on locating that missing sensitivity chip…

As a wheelchair user, I have to say, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, serving our country benefits those who are injured, because the insurance is amazing. Lots of people in wheelchairs have great lives and can feel just as sorry for you as you would for them. Either way, it gets you nowhere.

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New Erotica Book: Kresley Cole’s “The Professional”


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From #1 New York Times bestselling author Kresley Cole comes The Professional, the first installment in her “Game Maker” series, an erotica collection that features the intense love stories, the family dynamics, the alpha heroes and adventurous women that Cole is known for, except apparently with even more naughtiness! Below is an excerpt from The Professional; here’s the set up: 

When grad student Natalie Porter encounters the sexiest man she’s ever seen, a Russian named Aleksandr Sevastyan, he spurns her determined advances in public—only to abduct her from her Lincoln, Nebraska home later that night (when she’s wearing nothing but a short bathrobe!). He tells her that she’s the heir of a Russian mafiya billionaire, she’s in danger, and that Sevastyan himself will be her new bodyguard. Oh, and that he’s flying her to the motherland—immediately. At a small hidden airstrip, Natalie has second thoughts and runs from her towering protector….

…………………………………….

From Chapter 3 of

The Professional

by Kresley Cole

 

Corn leaves slapped my face, raking my hair. My bare feet kicked up loose soil.

How much of a head start had I managed? Was he already crashing behind me?

“Stop this, Natalie!”

I gave a cry. My God, he was fast! I’d felt like prey before; now I literally was. This man was running me down, bent on capturing me! I dug deeper, sprinting even faster—

One second I was fleeing at full speed, the next I was flying. He’d lunged for me, snagging me around the waist. At the last instant, he twisted and took the impact on his back, crushing stalks beneath us.

“Damn you! Let go of me!” I struggled against him. Like fighting a steel vise.

Before I could blink, he’d flipped me to my back onto a mat of leaves.

“Get off me!” I battered his chest with the bottoms of my fists.

Huge and furious above me, he wedged his hips between my legs, snagging my wrists in one big hand. “Do not ever run from me again.” The moon shone down on him, highlighting the tight lines of his face. He seemed to be grappling with his fury, drawing on some inner iron control.

“Let me go!”

Over the familiar scents of rich soil, fragrant crops, and cold night, I detected his scent: aggression and raw masculinity. His shirt had gaped open, and I could see more of his skin, with the edge of another tattoo just visible past the material.

“Sevastyan, release me. Please.”

At that word, his grip on my wrists loosened a degree. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said in a gravelly voice. “Only to protect you.” Behind that inscrutable mask, so much was going on, but I could read so little.

Under the moonlight, his prominent cheekbones shaded his lean cheeks. His collar-length black hair gleamed like a raven’s feather, the ends tripping across his jawline. Wavering almost hypnotically.

“You must remain with me,” he grated, his gaze on my lips, his brows drawn tight. He looked like he was struggling not to kiss me.

Kiss? What was happening here? Confusion began to drown out my panic; I had nothing to draw on as a reference for my predicament—because I’d never been in a situation like this.

A sexual situation I didn’t control.

I was embroiled in dangerous circumstances with a mysterious stranger, but I felt no fear. I felt … anticipation. And I suspected the lack of control was fueling it.

Was danger turning me on? The tension between us seemed to shift; as smoothly as a machine switching gears, my confusion morphed into hazy heat. I hadn’t known I had this in me! Who am I??

When my gaze dropped, I spied the shadowy bulge in his pants. He wasn’t indifferent to me! He might’ve disdained me in the bar, but he couldn’t disguise his erection straining to be freed.

At the sight of it, arousal muddled my thoughts like a fog rolling into my mind. I’d heard the expression stupid with lust. I was getting there.

“Sevastyan?” That feeling of connection surged within me. Desire, need, and something more. “What do you want from me?”

No answer. All I could hear was our breaths.

In this position, he could unzip his fly and be inside me in a heartbeat’s time, covering me on the ground. Like animals in the dirt.

Him. Inside me. Here.

The mere thought made my body vibrate with a need so strong, I suspected I might allow him to do anything he wanted to me. My staggering level of arousal began to unnerve me more than this entire situation. I had no control with him, needed to get away!

I shook my head hard. “You let me go now.” I squirmed in his grip, digging my bare heels into the ground to propel myself back. Managed maybe a foot. I was furious—at him, at my out-of-control body. Another heel-digging lunge back.

With his free hand, he gripped my waist and yanked me back against him, forcing my thighs wider. His gaze descended, his eyes going wide before narrowing intently.

I felt cold air between my legs, just as I saw that my robe had come open at the belted waist. Everything below was exposed. My pale skin glowed in the moonlight, the trimmed thatch of red curls stark in comparison.

I was too stunned to react, pinned by his gaze. His lids grew heavy, his nostrils flaring. His broad chest seemed to struggle for breath. I was naked from the waist down but had no way to cover myself. I twisted my arms to free my wrists—until I saw that look of his.

Dark, hungry, molten. Dangerous. As before, I felt like his captured prey, his to enjoy.

My fury dwindled. When my body decided to soften beneath his, he gave a curt nod, as if I’d pleased him, and his free hand landed on my bare hip. Skin to skin. He groaned at the contact; I shivered from the electric heat of his rough palm. Hadn’t I imagined those hands kneading me everywhere?

Shaking, I watched as he straightened his ringed thumb from my hip until it reached my mons. He brushed the tip of his finger along the edge of my curls. It was so slow and unexpected, so tender, I couldn’t bite back a moan.

He touched me as if with … reverence.

I no longer saw signs of that iron control; instead he looked lost.

Like I probably looked in that moment.

I murmured, “Sevastyan?” as my hips rolled. “What are you doing to me?” He’d somehow spellbound me, making me feel empty and desperate.

Still riveted to my sex, he grated words in Russian, something about how he couldn’t be expected to deny himself in the face of this.

How no one should expect him to.

“The Professional” is on sale now.