Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in Boston who lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. She regularly (and generously!) answers your medical questions here on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own, click here.
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to climax from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
— In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
— Dr. Kate
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half and we have sex very regularly. To this day it still hurts, more after than during. Sex just isn’t enjoyable for me. When he puts it in it hurts right away, almost like I have a cut on the bottom of the vaginal opening. We have tried taking a break for about a month but it didn’t help. I am usually fully lubricated and aroused but that doesn’t seem to help either. It has gotten to the point that I am just having sex for him, not because I want it. I just want sex to be as enjoyable for me like it is for him. Every time it either feels like nothing or it hurts. We have tried using astroglide but it just burns and irritates my skin. And when we do have sex it always hurts like my left wall of my vagina, either during sex, after sex, or both. The pain after sex usually lasts for about two days. He’s not extremely big either, I would say that he is average. Can you please please help me. I feel like if sex doesn’t get better we are going to break it off. I can’t keep dealing with the pain and miserable sex. Sometimes I think that it’s him, so then I start to think about sex with other guys. But then again i’m not sure if it’s me. Please help!!!!!!!
Few suggestions for you all having this issue…
One of the biggest issues for this is not being properly stimulated before sex. It is very rightly said that you need a good amount of foreplay to get really aroused. Take it slow. Let your guys do enough of kissing, licking and teasing with your body first. Before he goes down on you, even if its for an oral, make sure you are wet enough down there.
When you are ready, let your guy give you a nice oral. And only after you are completely “in the mood”, go all in. Let him go slow first. Try different position and see which fits best for you and your partner.
With these tips, I hope you all will be able to enjoy your sex life again!
Regards!
hiya I have problems with sex I don’t no what it is but every sex parter I have it hurts I have been to the doctors about it and they said nothings wrong
I don’t know why, but right at the beginning of sex, when my fiancée tries to enter me, it hurts and burns so bad that it is unbearable. It gets a little bit better as we go on, but there is still such pain. I also have problems having an orgasm like this. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I bleed occasionally during sex, and this thick, brownish red stuff comes out of me. Can you help tell me what is wrong?
I’m 22 and just lost my virginity last August. I was born with a small vagina and had to have vaginal reconstruction. I had it done a bit later in life because of other health issues that needed taken care of. My boyfriend and I have been together a few months now and I’m not too quick to want to have sex. I almost feel it’s a chore. It hurts in certain positions and it just doesn’t feel good. I also can’t give my self an orgasm by stimulation. When I use my toy I can orgasm, but not on my own. I also definitely can’t get off with my boyfriend. The sex doesn’t feel good and oral isn’t great either. How can I fix my issues?
So I’ve had sex about 7-8 times. Everytime I do it feels good, but hurts afterwards. I get swollen, and it hurts from about 1-2 days. I don’t honesty know why, but it makes me not want to have sex.
Hello, i have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years, and right as he enters it kind of hurts a bit.. Even when i go to pap tests or pelvic exams they have a hell of a time getting it in because i tighten up and it hurts so bad even when im relaxed. I would like to know why it hurts so bad? I have never been pregnant, and only slept with 10 guys and im only 21 years old. Lost my virginity when i was 16 (raped).
Dear Dr. Kate,
So I’ve been with two different guys recently. One’s about 5 inches, and the other about 7. Though it doesn’t hurt to have sex with the man with the smaller penis, it does to have sex with the larger. Is there a reason for this? Is there any way I can make it less painful and more enjoyable for myself and him?
dear dr.kate i have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and we had a active sex life and i used to when we first started i could get on top and now its becoming very painful for me. my question is how do i still fulfill my boyfriends needs of me getting on top but still be less painful?
Dear. Dr. Kate
I would like to know if there is a surgical procedure women can get done in order to make their first time sex less painful? I would like to know if such a procedure exists.
THank You
Me and my bf have been together for 2years now, and we had only started having sex recently. The problem that we’re having is that it won’t insert properly and it causes me a lot of pain also. I was just wondering is their a correct way to insert it properly without any pain?
hello, yes i have the same problem.. i need help also my current boyfriend that i lost it to is getting teased mad and upset, hes saying he never had problems like this we both think im mental and werid, cus it was my 1st time i was crying so hard it hurt me alot, and everytime we do it STILL noting same pain , somtimes even more pain then it was, please help if someone has somthing to say to me, i really want to make love and all that but the pain wont leavemy mind, and thats why im never having the good time or the OMG pleasure:(
iam really very worried sex.though am interested i could not make it out.its alaraedy 8 months since we got married.1m 23.i did nt try foreplay even.am really tensed.it is hurting my husband a lot.so please suggest me some idea.help me out to overcome this problem.
My girlfriend and I use lube and even going super slow doesn’t help. We have tried lube, vagina exercises, long breaks, sex toys, and even went to the gyno; still nothing.
@alexa – water is the best lube