We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I am a 23 year old woman and my libido has disappeared. Like completely. I have never been one to have one-night stands and stuff but my sex life with my fiancé was amazing before my libido exited.
Why is this happening to me? We have a great relationship, so I know it’s not a problem there, there is nothing wrong with my hormone levels according to a recent blood test…I don’t understand. My sex drive used to be so powerful and I felt sexy and formidable, but that fire has just completely gone.
My fiancé is very patient and understands that I still find him totally gorgeous, so I don’t see what the problem is. I don’t want this to escalate. Please help me!
— Girl (Not) on Fire
One pretty reliable way to boost desire levels is to observe someone doing whatever they do best. When someone is really firing on all cylinders and doing something well, that tends to raise their attractiveness. If they’re good at sports, art, whatever, something that they really believe in and love doing, gardening, cooking, if it puts a smile on their face and a song in their hearts, then chances are it will do that for you as well.
You have said you still find your fiancé attractive, but that actually doesn’t matter to your libido. What’s important Is whether he makes YOU feel attractive.
If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. You should try to figure out what men do that does turn your on and talk to him about it. A lot of people stop being seductive once they get engaged (or married) and they don’t even realize it. Now may be the best time to look at that and try to establish a new pattern.
That’s a really interesting (and astute) way of looking at it, Marcus — libido has more to do with how you feel than it does how you feel about him. Obviously your libido doesn’t exist in a total vacuum, but it’s not completely at the whim of your partner’s looks, either.
Sorry to hear this is happening. All I can add is that I recently realized that my libido had been gone for almost two years and I know it is tough. I am and was single throughout this, so I don’t know what it’s like when you have a special someone.
One thing I suggest is meeting this problem with kindness and curiosity. This is not you failing or a bad choice you have made but rather a thing that is happening to you. Don’t descend into blame and anger, that will gain you nothing. I used to feel bad that I was not pursuing women for almost two years, but then I realized my body was just going through something and I forgave myself and accepted it. (Sorry, I am repeating a lot of stuff my therapist tells me but it works, with practice)
Ditto what people say about stress and examine your life. Also, exercise is good.
For you (and every person ever) I recommend getting the book Come As You Are. It is a big warm bear hug of info on how people experience sex and sexuality. You might find it useful. For instance do you experience spontaneous desire or responsive?
Glhf
Um… have you tried out a different Birth Control?
I don’t actually have facts, but I’m pretty sure a fair amount of women have experienced a decrease in their libidos due to their Birth Control.
If the situation is as described, and libido is lost totally and not just in regard to one person, this sounds nastily serious. Have you had a COMPLETE medical workup by someone familiar with these symptoms, not just a few random blood tests by your gynecologist? Total libido loss rarely takes place that suddenly in someone under 30 unless there is an underlying problem.
Matt’s comments start off in the right direction, but need to go just a little bit further. It is possible that your changing libido has nothing to do with your relationship, but something else that is happening in your life (work, school, family, friends, finances, health, etc.). Any one of these factors, separately or combined, while not directly tied to your libido, could still be affecting it. Thus, like Matt suggests, take a look at what is adding stress into your life and see if that is affecting your love life.
Did this happen suddenly or gradually? What else has changed? Has there been a wedding date set, or something that might’ve kicked up commitment jitters, or perhaps even doubts about the relationship itself?
If not, has your desire dropped off just for him, or have you lost all interest in masturbating, fantasies, etc.? In other words, do you feel instinctively that this is about him/the relationship, or something more about your desire and sexual urges, physiologically?
Also, how is he responding? If you had a few days of feeling not so into him (which can be perfectly normal), and he responded by seeming needier, that can easily kick off a cycle where you push away, he seems clingy, you feel even less attracted and push away further… and the cycle starts to fuel itself.