The iPhone Officially Does EVERYTHING


Both being Mac disciples, we’re lucky enough to have iPhones (thankfully purchased before the recession kicked in). And we’ve quite enjoyed apps like Urbanspoon, Facebook, and Shazam (that shit is cool!). So we were checking out the most recent apps on the market (thanks to Gizmodo) and came across iHand Massage, “the first iPhone app to specialize in giving your hands a rejuvenating massage which will leave them feeling relaxed and refreshed.” Hands our ass. The sales pitch ends with a list of “did you know” points about massage:

  • Vibration along the course of a nerve is helpful for restoring and maintaining the functions of a nerve and the muscles supplies by them, thereby improving their nutrition.
  • Vibration can increase blood circulation.
  • This type of massage can reduce anxiety and mental stress.
  • Vibration massages have been used since the Ancient Greeks.

That’s exactly what we’ve been saying about genital vibrators for years! And come on, any mention of Ancient Greeks isn’t exactly the most subtle way of evoking sexual imagery.

So, for you, we decided to sacrifice the 99 cents to see what kind of vibrations this app could offer. Well, prepare to be underwhelmed. You’re not going to get a more intense vibration than the phone already provides (which isn’t much), just an extended vibration at various pulse speeds. Plus, your hand (or whatever) can easily accidentally switch it off while it’s going. But if you can orgasm from a light breeze, then this might be for you (please, for the love of all that’s decent, just do it over clothes or wrap it in Saran Wrap first). It does, however, make your hands tingle pleasantly, when you hold it between your palms like the instructions say. But you could just clap for a few seconds and get the same results.