Top 5 Lessons Learned from Season 9 Episode 1 of The Bachelorette

photo via ABC.com

1. Vocal fry is so not hot.

2. If you have a sense of humor, please use it when you’re one on one with the person you’re trying to charm. (We’re talking to you, Mr. ER doctor with the glasses and the droopy eyes). And while we’re at it, if you have a suit of armor, please don’t use it.

3. If at first you don’t succeed (at luring someone to your impromptu fantasy suite with a twin mattress on the floor), give up, go home and enroll in some sensitivity training — or just look up the definition of the word “no.”

4. Bangs are the all-natural way to Botox. (i.e. Des, we miss yours!)

5. If the cheeseball who showed the most skin on the first episode can get a rose and the guys who do the most crying get all the play on the season teaser, then we may be closer to true equality between the sexes than we previously thought.