Top 5 Lessons Learned from Season 9 Episode 2 of The Bachelorette

  1. Take a tip from a 12 Step Program: no trauma bonding! Admitting to your absentee father / drug-addict mother / type 1 diabetes / poverty status / lactose intolerance is not first-date A material.
  2. That said, if you’re forced to wear an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny flesh-colored bikini bottom and shake your junk in front of the girl you like and you do it with good humor and without shame, then you can (almost) be forgiven for any uncontrollable bouts of said trauma bonding.
  3. When someone is telling you their most painful personal story, don’t smile. Whether it’s a nervous habit or pure evil, it’s not cool.
  4. If a man refers to himself as “old fashioned”, that means he’s overly macho, aggressively Neanderthal and benevolently sexist.
  5. You can’t have staples in your head AND wear your hair like Frankenstein’s monster.