Top 5 Lessons Learned from Season 9 Episode 3 of The Bachelorette

1. Never steal a kiss. “I have a secret to tell you”? It’s like a sucker punch: cheap and ignoble. If you have to fake someone out to get them to kiss you, then you shouldn’t be kissing them in the first place.

2. The pain killers you get at the E.R. are just as good as Jack Daniels at screwing your romantic courage to the sticking place. (And the pain from a broken appendage is a lot less shameful than the pain from a hangover the next day.)

3. While honesty is the best policy, opening your first date with the admission that you have a child with a crazy ex who pressed domestic violence charges against you is probably not the smoothest of moves. (Almost better to just admit you were once gay.)

4. Seriously, we said it before, we’ll say it again: Actual laughter in the face of other people’s tragedies is not cool (Des). Yes, maybe admitting on national television that you fell for your d-bag boyf’s line about needing a break for the exact amount of time it takes to shoot The Bachelorette (and then admitting you had sex with him as a send off)  is kind of ridiculous, but so is starring on The Bachelorette. (Plus, the jilted lady’s skin-tight pants looked better than yours, so who is really getting the last literal laugh here, huh?)

5. If you are a man and you wear this tank top, you are a douche. Better yet: if you are a man and you wear any tank top, you are a douche.