Top 7 Love Lessons Learned from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 1)

photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

Now that Juan-uary has begun, each week we’ll be bringing you the five most important love lessons you can learn from each episode of The Bachelor on ABC. With each episode guaranteed to be the most dramatic EVER (per usual), this season should prove to be a wildly educational ride. And since last night was the long-awaited premiere, chock-full of hot messes and rock-hard abs, we’ve got two bonus tips for you today!

  1. On a blind date, don’t open with your jilted-at-the-alter sob story. And while we’re at it, don’t open with talk of your recent unemployment, your brother who’s in jail, your raging case of genital herpes, or your small vestigial tail. Duh.
  2. On a date, never give out the equivalent of a pity rose, be it a pity compliment, a pity phone number exchange, or a pity kiss. You might be trying to be nice, but they’ll smell the condescension wafting off you like too much Drakkar Noir. And all you’ll probably get in return is a limp “Uh…sure.”
  3. If you’re dating a single parent, you can discern quite a bit about the quality of their parenting by assessing how properly — or in Juan Pablo’s case, how improperly — the child’s car-seat straps have been adjusted.
  4. To be sure an exotic accent is not impeding your judgment, imagine them speaking in a Pee Wee Herman voice, like this. If they still seem even just half as smart/hot/witty, then you’ll know it’s the real deal. Otherwise, you’ll realize you’ve been duped by the rolling Rs.
  5. On a blind date, give a man a stiff drink, NOT a teddy bear.
  6. We don’t care if you’re a professional massage therapist — no sensual massages may be given until at least date number 3 (when sex either is impending or has just concluded).
  7. When all else fails, take your shirt off.