An Update to "Should I Give My BF a Second Chance?"

photo by batega

This past winter, “Torn” wrote in about her boyfriend of almost 3 years who’d recently cheated on her (possibly for the second time), only coming clean when she’d confronted him with evidence and then blaming it on her distance due to her intense vet school coursework, which he’d never mentioned before. She asked us whether she should give him another chance, since she loved him. We leaned heavily in the direction of ditching the douche, suggesting that chances were he’d do it again, but that if she chose to be a forgiving saint for love, we’d understand the impulse and keep our fingers crossed. She recently wrote us with an update:

Hi Em and Lo,

I wrote to you six months ago about my 23 year old boyfriend of almost 3 years, who had cheated not once, but twice. Your advice was excellent and I really appreciated it (and still do).  I thought I would just let you know how everything turned out.

He was adamant that I was the only one for him and he wanted to work things out. I gave him an out, saying that I knew he was young and maybe he just needed to be single etc and that maybe it was all for the best, but he maintained he wanted only me. I told him I was worried that somewhere down the line he would change his mind about wanting to work things out and it would hurt as much as the revelations about the cheating had. He pursued me very hard and I decided to see how it went, telling myself all along that I would be fine if we broke up. We have been dating since then and I, of course, was falling back in love.

To make a long, and probably boring, story short, we broke up for good on Saturday, when he decided that trying to do distance was going to be ‘too hard’ and he thought he ‘just needed to be 23’ but that he wanted to wait til after my exams (Mon/Tue) to talk about it. I just told him it sounded like he had already made his mind up and so it was over.

Much to my dismay, I am not all right. If possible, I think I am feeling worse than I did back in December. It’s my own doing, of course, but that doesn’t really make it much better. The only good thing to come out of it all is that at least I will always know that no matter how hard I tried, it would never have worked. It also solidifies to me that I deserve better than anything he could have offered me.

Thank you so much for your quick reply when I first wrote. I read it many times and really tried to take it to heart. I continue to be a loyal reader!

all the best,


PS: Any tips on getting over a breakup?

Hi again Torn!

So sorry to hear about your tough time. We were pulling for you, but we can’t say we’re surprised it didn’t last — you guys are so young, you have more people to meet, more relationships to forge and, yes, probably more heartbreak to feel and heal in the future. At least he did the right thing this time by breaking things off before he cheated again (we hope). But couldn’t he have waited the four measly days until after your exams? What a selfish dickwad! We hope you aced them, despite the terrible timing. You’re right to give yourself credit for embracing forgiveness and giving love a shot — now you’ll never wonder “But what if I had only forgiven him back then?” But we think you should take this time to focus on yourself and the start of your career. Though it doesn’t feel like it now, love will come again. And because of this awful experience, you’ll be better equipped to make sure it happens with someone who can give you what you deserve. In the meantime, take care of yourself with our 10 Step Process to Getting Over a Breakup. We hope it helps a little.

All our best,

Em & Lo

Hi again

Thanks so much! Just wanted to give you the latest news. I got my results back from exams: not only did I pass, but I will be getting my vet degree with honors, in spite of all the drama leading up to my exams.  The ex is being a typical asshole, but I’m trying to be civil and not vindictive (for example, his stuff will be staying in my apartment ’til he gets it together to come get it, although I did feel like selling it on the street). It sucks now, but it will get better with time (hopefully) and I’m going to delete him on Facebook, etc, so I don’t get tempted to see what he is up to and get hurt feelings. I’ve got a killer job that starts in July and I’m going to concentrate on getting my new awesome life as a veterinarian (what I always wanted to be!) going. The best revenge is to be happy, right?

All the best!

Torn No More


  1. Torn… I did the “temporary storage” for an ex while he got shit together. Well, right up until I realized I was being used as a storage facility. I eventually sold everything he left behind to help pay the bills (that he also left me with).
    You’re a strong and obviously intelligent gal. From here on out, I think the rest of your life is going to be amazing.

  2. I had a housemate who was in vet school whne we lived together. so I know how extremely hard that is. So Congratulations! That’s really quite an achievement to graduate with honors and land a great job right away. You must be a rockstar.

  3. There maybe be legal issues with destroying his stuff. If you have an address, you might have to send everything to him. If it’s too much stuff, you might need to rent a storage unit until he picks it up. I did this. Change locks.

  4. So happy to hear about your success and your maturity in dealing with the situation. Not sure I’d be able to resist trashing his stuff, but definitely don’t let him string you along when it comes to picking it up.

  5. AlanK has the best advice. Call and remind him what day trash day is and you have a countdown for that day + 2 weeks from now. Although you sound so sweet, you might make it 3 weeks. You deserve everything coming your way – your degree with honors, a great new job, confidence that you did what you needed to do, and now move on. Breakups are hard, especially from one you were invested in, but live well & have fun. You’ll have a line out the door in no time!

  6. Spes has the best answer on the “stuff”.

    What a “dickwad” to do it just before exams. I can’t believe he was so stupid, but at 23 most people are not too wise.

  7. You should give him a set time for him to come and get his things. You would not want him showing up at all hours or when you are trying to relax or even get over him and he shows up out of the blue. Stick to the time and days, and also make sure to change the locks. You never know what an upset or even drunk ex might try to do to you or your stuff. I wish you the best of luck.

  8. Take his stuff to a storage place. Pay for one month (it’s worth the money to have him gone), and mail him the key with the storage place’s address and phone number.
    He, and his stuff, are not your problem.

  9. Things kept for “temporary” storage will remain there until global warming makes your home too likely to be flooded. I know. Want some ugly wicker furniture? Two almost-valuable chairs?

    Ask him when he expects to be able to move them. Ensure that you are getting a reasonable answer. Warn each week about the coming deadline. Allow one week after deadline with threats, of increasing strength each day. Then get rid of the stuff. I favor a neutral effect of leaving it out for the trash, but anything of real value (a sound system, as opposed to old sneakers)should be donated to a good charity with the receipt given to the ex-BF.

    If any of the stuff is worth REAL money (which of course it won’t be) you can always put it into storage with a 1-month delay, give the ex-BF the locker number, and let him bail it out.

    For anything valuable, keep good records. Final warnings go by registered mail.

    This is overkill. The stuff is all crap or he wouldn’t have left it. Give him two weeks and then dump the stuff.

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