This past winter, “Torn” wrote in about her boyfriend of almost 3 years who’d recently cheated on her (possibly for the second time), only coming clean when she’d confronted him with evidence and then blaming it on her distance due to her intense vet school coursework, which he’d never mentioned before. She asked us whether she should give him another chance, since she loved him. We leaned heavily in the direction of ditching the douche, suggesting that chances were he’d do it again, but that if she chose to be a forgiving saint for love, we’d understand the impulse and keep our fingers crossed. She recently wrote us with an update:
Hi Em and Lo,
I wrote to you six months ago about my 23 year old boyfriend of almost 3 years, who had cheated not once, but twice. Your advice was excellent and I really appreciated it (and still do). I thought I would just let you know how everything turned out.
He was adamant that I was the only one for him and he wanted to work things out. I gave him an out, saying that I knew he was young and maybe he just needed to be single etc and that maybe it was all for the best, but he maintained he wanted only me. I told him I was worried that somewhere down the line he would change his mind about wanting to work things out and it would hurt as much as the revelations about the cheating had. He pursued me very hard and I decided to see how it went, telling myself all along that I would be fine if we broke up. We have been dating since then and I, of course, was falling back in love.
To make a long, and probably boring, story short, we broke up for good on Saturday, when he decided that trying to do distance was going to be ‘too hard’ and he thought he ‘just needed to be 23’ but that he wanted to wait til after my exams (Mon/Tue) to talk about it. I just told him it sounded like he had already made his mind up and so it was over.
Much to my dismay, I am not all right. If possible, I think I am feeling worse than I did back in December. It’s my own doing, of course, but that doesn’t really make it much better. The only good thing to come out of it all is that at least I will always know that no matter how hard I tried, it would never have worked. It also solidifies to me that I deserve better than anything he could have offered me.
Thank you so much for your quick reply when I first wrote. I read it many times and really tried to take it to heart. I continue to be a loyal reader!
all the best,
PS: Any tips on getting over a breakup?
Hi again Torn!
So sorry to hear about your tough time. We were pulling for you, but we can’t say we’re surprised it didn’t last — you guys are so young, you have more people to meet, more relationships to forge and, yes, probably more heartbreak to feel and heal in the future. At least he did the right thing this time by breaking things off before he cheated again (we hope). But couldn’t he have waited the four measly days until after your exams? What a selfish dickwad! We hope you aced them, despite the terrible timing. You’re right to give yourself credit for embracing forgiveness and giving love a shot — now you’ll never wonder “But what if I had only forgiven him back then?” But we think you should take this time to focus on yourself and the start of your career. Though it doesn’t feel like it now, love will come again. And because of this awful experience, you’ll be better equipped to make sure it happens with someone who can give you what you deserve. In the meantime, take care of yourself with our 10 Step Process to Getting Over a Breakup. We hope it helps a little.
All our best,
Em & Lo
Thanks so much! Just wanted to give you the latest news. I got my results back from exams: not only did I pass, but I will be getting my vet degree with honors, in spite of all the drama leading up to my exams. The ex is being a typical asshole, but I’m trying to be civil and not vindictive (for example, his stuff will be staying in my apartment ’til he gets it together to come get it, although I did feel like selling it on the street). It sucks now, but it will get better with time (hopefully) and I’m going to delete him on Facebook, etc, so I don’t get tempted to see what he is up to and get hurt feelings. I’ve got a killer job that starts in July and I’m going to concentrate on getting my new awesome life as a veterinarian (what I always wanted to be!) going. The best revenge is to be happy, right?
All the best!
Torn No More