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Your Call: Why Did He Break Up with Me?

March 30, 2015

3 Comments

The “beyond my control” breakup scene in the film Dangerous Liasons

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been in a 15-year relationship with a man that I love. We had broken up many times in between but we always came back to one another. We have a connection. I recently found out that I am sick and he left me right before I was to have surgery. He said he didn’t want to leave me but he felt that we were just not right for each other anymore. We disagreed on several family related issues but he never vocalized that he would leave me because of them. He even used to tell me that I would get over the issues when we got married. I then found out that he has been seeing this new girl and that she is supposedly the right one for him to start his life with and get married to. He claims he really likes her but she is not even his type. He says she is a family person like him. It’s only been four months since we broke up. He tells me he still loves me but that he has to move on in life. I don’t understand what is going on. Any advice would be so great right now. 

– Sick & Single

What do you think S&S should do? Leave your suggestions for her in the comments section below. 

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In Defense of Sex Toys, Feminism and Trolls

March 25, 2015

2 Comments

For the most part, we tend to ignore the trolls. But every once in a while, outlandish claims need to be addressed to ensure that reality-based facts win over fear, insecurity and hate. In response to a post about a woman whose inability to orgasm without a sex toy was hurting her boyfriend’s feelings, one commenter recently made some particularly ridiculous, utterly unhelpful statements — we break them down, one by one, below (without his, shall we say, colorful language).

Claim: Sex toys make women loose.
Reality: It’s pretty much the opposite. The vagina is not a cheap sock that goes limp with repeated use. It expands and contracts with arousal. The perineal muscles which surround it help maintain its integrity. So the more pleasure the area receives, with say a sex toy, the more workout those muscles get, the stronger they’ll be, and thus the more supportive they are of the area, the tighter they can contract, and the more responsive they become to stimulation. Win-win-win!

Claim: Men don’t want to be with women who use sex toys.
Reality: Smart people know that women who use sex toys are comfortable with their own sexuality, better understand how their bodies are built and work, know what they like, and are more successfully orgasmic — all things that make for better partner-sex. Men who are comfortable with their own sexuality will use sex toys with their partners for variety and fun without feeling threatened. Which is not to say that dangling a toy with “realistic” aesthetic details but “unrealistic” proportions in front of one’s self-conscious male partner is polite — in fact, it’s the epitome of insensitive rudeness. But a woman who uses her favorite toy, discretely if feelings require it, while finding some other accessory she and her partner can both enjoy can only improve their sex life.

Claim: Your vulva/vagina is your male partner’s property. AND: Men only like women for their genitals.
Reality: Do we even have to address this? It’s so tiresome, so transparent. We get it. You long for a time when men ruled the world, and women were their sex slaves. And now it kind of sucks that you have to deal with this upwardly mobile class of people who now have rights and power, often more power than you. And so, in a desperate attempt to slow down the inevitable rise of this group, you try to take them down a peg or two by insulting them. Are you twelve? It’s been quite a while, at least in this country, since women were married off as property. Yes, human rights are actually a good thing. Please acknowledge all the happy, well-adjusted grown-up men around you who interact, work, fall in love and/or have sex with women they view, value and respect as equal human beings. Both men and women are multi-dimensional — it’s not all about intercourse.

Claim: Sex toys make it harder for women to reach orgasm.
Reality: Many women require clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. Unfortunately, it’s another of Mother Nature’s cruel jokes that the jackhammering many men prefer during intercourse avoids contact with the clitoris altogether. Add to that the great variability among women with how their genitals operate and respond to stimuli; the atrocious state of sexual education in this country; the pervasiveness of male-centric, unrealistic porn; the still-rampant sexism in our country which shames women’s sexuality and limits their sexual agency (Exhibit A: your comment) – and it’s a miracle women can orgasm at all! They need all the help they can get; sex toys offer that help. And often times, once a sex toy can finally get them to their happy place, they’re better equipped to experiment with other ways to find satisfaction, both alone and with a partner.

Dear Commenter, we condemn the straight woman (or women) who hurt, belittled or shamed you. They are not representative of our entire gender. Just as they should not speak ill or dismissively of the male member (as we’re assuming they did), neither should you speak so ill of women’s genitals. Both men and women, gay or straight or transgendered, are so much more than the sum of their sexual body parts. The more we all start thinking about sex with our heads instead of our junk, with our hearts instead of our hatred, the better we’ll all get along, both in and out of the bedroom. Here’s hoping you find someone who can love you for you, and vice versa.


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Your Call: I Was Bi, But Now I’m Not Attracted to Men. What Happened?

March 23, 2015

3 Comments


photo via Wikimedia Commons

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 21 year old woman who realized she was bisexual about a year ago, but recently my sexual desire for men has disappeared. My sex drive is fine, and my attraction to women is still there, but I don’t feel anything for men any more.

I’ve asked my mother and some friends, and they said it could be because I’ve been heavily depressed, but I’ve been clinically depressed for years and it hasn’t affected me that way at all. And, as I said, I’m still attracted to women — in fact my attraction to women has increased.

Was I just a lesbian all along? Do all bisexuals go through phases? I’ve been like this for weeks, and I’m worried I’ll never love men again.

– Bye-Bi Birdie

What’s your advice for Bye-Bi Birdie? Leave your thoughts in the feedback section below.

 

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Your Call: My Husband and I Don’t Care That We Don’t Have Much Sex. Should We?

March 16, 2015

5 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

My husband and I have been married for ten years. Three kids later, we don’t have sex very often — nothing compared to our pre-married life. But neither of us seems that bothered by it. He doesn’t initiate that often and isn’t asking for more. I’m fine with the occasional sex we do have. I know we both occasionally masturbate, him I’m guessing more (we don’t advertise it to each other). I feel like we have a close, trusting relationship. But I’m always hearing about how sex is such an important part of a relationship. If it isn’t for us, should we be worried? Should I be worried?

– Libidoless in Los Angeles

What should LILA do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Your Call: How Do You Know If It’s Settling or Being Smart

March 10, 2015

4 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

How do you know the difference between being discerning and being too picky? I hate the Princeton Mom but I’ve read smarter articles about not waiting too long to settle down, especially if you want a family. To go with the person who’s just good enough, rather than perfect (since no one’s perfect). But my last few relationships haven’t been with people I can see making it long term with. They had many pros but a few cons that just felt like deal breakers to me. I can compromise, but I don’t want to betray myself or my values. Still, I’m in my late thirties and am starting to get worried. At what point do you just settle and hope for the best?

Fence Sitter

What should F.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Your Call: How Do I Give Women a Heads Up About My Penis?

February 23, 2015

9 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Hi Em & Lo!

Women’s advice on my situation would be much appreciated.

Imagine this: You like everything about a man, you get to the bedroom, you don’t like what you see as the undies come down.

So… I would like to know if anyone has any ideas on how I can let a girl know, ASAP, that I have a small (in my eyes, and hands!) penis. I measure an average L: 5.5 G: 4.5-5.

I understand that a lot of girls would be happy with this size, but I also understand that a lot of women will not. How do I let her know, so that she can make her mind up to go or stay ASAP, so that neither of us get hurt or, in her case, disappointed. I think it would be best for us to not waste each other’s time, so that we can both find someone who appreciates us.

Thanks!

– Average Joe

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Your Call: Can I Downgrade a Booty Call to Friend (No Benefits)?

January 21, 2015

2 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been reading lots of stuff, but not really getting the answer I want, so here goes: Can a booty call turn into him and I just being friends? Not boyfriend girlfriend, just friends.

– Friend, No Benefits

What advice do you have for F.N.B.? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Your Call: How Can I Get Past My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality?

January 7, 2015

4 Comments

photo of Alan Cumming via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

So, I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for around 4 months. Not long but we’ve fallen absolutely head over heels for each other.

He told me recently that he’s also attracted to men/’cock’.

He has kissed a couple of guys kind of as a joke whilst drunk at parties but never done anything more, sexually, with another guy. Yet he is certain he is bi.

I am not homophobic. Well, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve had plenty of gay friends and never had a problem with it/felt uneasy about it what so ever. Yet when my boyfriend told me he felt that way I instantly felt repulsed. If I think about it, the thought makes me feel ill and anxious. I’m not worried he will cheat, I just hate the thought of him feeling that way.

I know this is my problem/issue. I know it’s fantastic that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and that I shouldn’t feel this way. But… I do. I don’t know why. Any insight as to why I feel this way, and, most importantly, how to move past it?

– Bi Shy

Share your advice with Bi Shy in the comments section below.

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Your Call: How Can I Enjoy Sex When I Was Taught Not To?

December 15, 2014

3 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I am a 26-year old-woman who lives in a country where women are under much more pressure, where rape rates are quite high, and street harrassment is common. My parents are very nice people and not that close-minded, but still — I have been raised with myths like sex hurts, you bleed, you become a wh… etc, etc. Still, I have to hide that my boyfriend sleeps over from my mom & from the neighbors.

Well, my problem is, I tried to have sex for the first time when I was 19, and it hurt soooo much that I couldn’t do it. I realised it was called “vaginismus” and I tried to get over it, trying to have intercourse attempts with different men (all end up with pain and tears), going to doctors etc. Recently, I discovered feminism and their sex tips, I bought an external vibrator, and had my first orgasm. I also could insert (once) a dildo with lots of lube. But only once you see. And I still have this problem where I even can’t insert a tampon.

Now, my problem is, I have a boyfriend who is really nice, but he is a really big guy, and he is a little bit hyperactive and impulsive, even when I say that what he does is hurting me, he sometimes doesn’t stop. He’s very keen to show his physical strength or whatever. Knowing I have lots of sexual dysfunction issues, that leaves me very angry and frustrated and closes me up even more.

On the other hand, maybe I could enjoy his enthousiasm if I was able to have sex. I really, really want to have a fullfilled, regular, good sex life and I know that deep inside, I can be that grown up girl who enjoys sex in every way. And I love this guy, so I want to continue my sex life with him. But you know, it is so ridiculous to ask this seeing I am 26, but I am afraid of his “size” and, more concerningly, his “rapey” manners.

How can I get myself to be normal and get rid of these issues? Thank you, and have a nice day!

– Love Hurts (But Sex Hurts More)

What advice do you have for L.H.B.S.H.M.? Share your thoughts in the comments area below.

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Your Call: Is My Boyfriend Secretly Gay?

December 8, 2014

5 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

What are signs that your boyfriend may be secretly gay?

– Beardy

What should Beardy do? Leave your suggestions in the Comments section below.

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