photo by Bogdan Suditu

Dear Em & Lo.

I’m a 48-year-old female and I can’t seem to achieve an orgasm during oral sex. It all seems too intense. However, I don’t have any problems when masturbating. I feel it is like… someone else scratching your feet… it tickles. If I do it myself, it doesn’t tickle. Is there anything I can do so that my man can achieve this wonderful thing for me?

– Don’t Tickle Me Elmo

What should D.T.M.E. do? Share your advice and experience below…

photo by batega

Dear Em & Lo,

First off, I will say that I love my boyfriend. We are extremely compatible in almost every way. Except sex, and here’s why. About two years ago my boyfriend ruptured a testicle. Sex is now extremely painful for him and he has difficulty reaching orgasm. As a result we rarely have sex. We have talked about it a lot and there seems to be no easy solution. He encourages me to have other sexual partners but I am worried doing so will make him feel inadequate. We do a lot of S&M in and outside of the bedroom and I don’t want him to feel replaced. He insists that it is ok with him and that he wants me to be happy, but im not sure if i can. I almost feel like if he can’t have sex than i shouldn’t be able to either. I know its messed up, but im not sure what to do.

– To Screw or Not to Screw?

What should “Screw” do? Advise her below…

photo by Sara Bjork

When the heartbroken write to us, we usually offer up our patented 10-step program for getting over a breakup. But not even that 99%-guaranteed method sounds like it’ll work on this sad and pathetic soul. Help her out, people!

Dear Em & Lo,

I feel stupid to ask, but how do you get over someone? I had a terrible break-up nearly three years ago (he cheated, I couldn’t bring myself to take him back, he moved on to the next girl, and cheated on her too) and nothing I do seems to help. I gave myself a while to wallow immediately after it, and then gave myself a serious pep talk about getting on with things.

I’ve since tried talking about it and writing about it; I’ve gone on internet dates; I’ve made new friends, tried new hobbies, cut my hair, worked hard at my job, volunteered, exercised, travelled, cried. On one occasion I even lost my temper and shouted at him in public for his bad behaviour (not dignified but definitely justified and sort of cathartic). It’s been so long and I still don’t feel any better.

No one interests me, and none of my friends seem to have ever felt like this for such a long period, or seem to understand how awful I still feel — which makes me feel even lonelier. I think about him every day and still see him around, though I don’t ever speak to him. Friends have suggested I move away, but I love my job and the place where I live — it doesn’t seem fair that I’d have to be the one who moves. I don’t understand what I need to do to get over it. There must be something I’m missing, because I’ve tried so hard and I still feel as bad as I did the day it happened. What am I not doing right?!

– Heart Smoothie

What should “Heart Smoothie” do? Advise her below…

photo by M31.

Can sexual compatibility improve over time in a relationship — or does it need to be there from the start for the relationship to work? Is bad sex necessarily a deal-breaker? Read the letter below and then advise “Underwhelmed” in the feedback section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve always been a fairly promiscuous woman, in between looking for Mr. Right, and I’ve enjoyed most of the sex I’ve had, and consistently gotten rave reviews. I’ve never had a shortage of lovers and only rarely found myself sexually incompatible with someone. I’ve got some skills.

And I was thrilled this year when I met someone with whom I actually connected emotionally, and really felt excited to be around, talk to, and spend time. I was excited and turned on by him physically and emotionally.

So I was pretty shocked to find that the sex is insurmountably bad. I’m excellent at giving head, and approach it with gusto, but around his cock my bag of tricks doesn’t seem to work. I’ve had guys who were too small for me, but this guy is actually WAY too thick. To the point that there are very few positions we can use and when I get close to orgasm and start to clench down a bit it actually hurts him a great deal and we have to stop. He probably only comes about 30% of the time.

I’ve never had a sexual relationship like this. With anyone else I would’ve just chalked it up to weird sex issues and gone on my merry way to the next dude but I don’t often fall into a “boyfriend” space with someone and I am crazy about this guy. He’s introduced me to his family, we’ve talked about moving in together. It’s clearly “going somewhere” but I know that if the sex doesn’t actually improve we don’t have a chance. He’s reticent to talk and, frankly, I don’t know how to make myself more commodious, or figure out what will get him off without him TELLING me what to do, especially since the moves and tricks that worked so well on the previous bazillion dudes doesn’t work on the one guy I want to keep around.

How to make myself bigger? It’s not a lube issue. I’m juicy. Just small. How to get him to talk? Should I go back to slutting it up? I’m in my 30s. I’d rather have this work than go back to the (albeit more sexually compatible) anonymous masses.

– Underwhelmed

What should “Underwhelmed” do? Advise her below…

photo by sarahxic

Okay, we admit there isn’t exactly a lot to debate in this week’s edition of Your Call. Clearly this woman should leave her boyfriend, a.k.a. the Biggest Asshole Who Ever Lived. But we wanted to publish this letter anyway because (a) This poor woman needs a public record of all you telling her that she’s better than him and needs to move on; (b) This man needs to be shamed, if only anonymously; and (c) Maybe it’ll make you cut your own partner a bit of slack when s/he forgets to pick up milk on the way home or can’t keep up with the plot intricacies of The Hills. It’s a long one, so grab a snack, and away we go…

Dear Em & Lo,

My on/off boyfriend of 3 years and I have recently split up, for the second time and maybe for good. I fell totally head over heels when I first met him and thought he did too. The problems started the 1st time when he left for work one morning,he left me alone and I went to put his pajamas back in a drawer when I came across a pile of love letters, post cards, etc. The letters were quite intense and the dates they were written coincided with a time he was acting strangely with me because he was scared about his feelings.

He’d recently divorced and has two children. I asked him about it while out at dinner and he denied it, then said it was a one-way thing and that nothing ever happened. I believed him [ED: Oh no you did-n't!] and we sort of moved on, until I found out this woman was married with 3 children and lived around the corner from me.

I threatened to take the letters to her husband but instead let it lie. It was difficult to deal with as they all hung around in the same artsy crowd and there is a 12-year age gap in us, but in time the dust settled until it came to my attention that this girl was in fact best friends with his best female friend (who is also his ex wife’s sister!). They are far too close for comfort, he used to live with his ex wife’s sister and insists that they are not romantically involved and I have tried to be friendly when iIve seen her but cannot help but think that she is only respondant when he is there. She once gave him a lift to a party with his ex-girlfriend and they passed me in the street and he admitted to me that he hid in the back of the car when he saw me. Why do that?

We eventually split up because again he said he was confused about his feelings. I was pretty cut up and shot straight into a rebound relationship, got pregnant and felt as low as ever. I booked in for an abortion, something I am not proud of, as the new guy went back to his ex and I wanted to move on.

I was upset and my ex came to see me. I told him in confidence and surprisingly he was a rock of support throughout and even came to the hospital with me. It was the day after he made a move. [ED: Oh no he did-n't!] I was very emotional and told him I needed space to get my head straight.

Four months passed and we saw each other occasionally in passing and were civil, but I did miss him. After a couple of weeks things evolved and it was like we’d never been apart until I noticed him being secretive with his mobile. I realize I shouldn’t have done it, but after all the upset needed to put my mind at rest. I found numerous texts to his ex wife’s sister, telling her about how I’d gone to him and he’d helped me even though I was pregnant to somebody else.

I was horrified, I felt like I’d been stabbed in the back. I never even told any of my family or friends about the abortion  and now I just feel completely hurt that this woman I don’t even know knows the most intimate details of my life. He keeps ringing/texting to apologize, but now I just don’t know what to do. Please help, an outside opinion is really needed right now!

– Doormat Debbie

Okay, dear readers. Do what you do best…talk some sense into this sweet lady who deserves better!

photo by evil erin

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

My parents did not believe in circumcision so they left me natural, and I don’t have any problems with the way I am and I have not had any problems with ladies. But I would like to know what women really think about foreskin or no skin? I ask this because there seems to be a disconnect between what some people say publicly and what they believe privately. Is there a difference between the ethical and the erotic for women?  It’s easy to imagine a woman not wanting to hurt a baby, but might that same woman find circumcised penises more of a turn on? In this PC culture, it can be hard to acertain people’s true opinions. What are the majority of women’s ethical and sexual preferences when it comes to a circumcised or uncircumcised penis — and, more to the point, are those two things usually the same?

– Uncut Collegian

What should Uncut Collegian do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

photo by mangpages

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve recently started seeing this older guy. So far we’ve been on three dates, and he always insists on paying for everything. I feel a bit guilty, but on the other hand he does have a pretty good and well-paid job, while I’m a student and can barely make ends meet. I’m really glad he wants to pay, otherwise I couldn’t even afford to go out with him that often, but I’m worried he might start to expect something back in return — as in, sex. And I really wasn’t planning on sleeping with him all that soon, because I prefer to take things slow and get to know him first.

So, is it okay to let him pay?

– Free Rider

What should Free Rider do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

photo by klynslis

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo and Wise Guys,

I’m a 38 year old woman and after a horrendous year (divorce, job loss, money loss), I finally have a job that I’m trying to earn more money at.  The problem is, my mom and I rent a house together and I share her car due to my circumstances until I can save enough for my own.  I’m responsible for my own bills and whatever, I help my mom out, but is this situation a dealbreaker with guys?  I’m just worried that I will be rejected due to this.  When do I tell them?  Please help.  I hate feeling like such a loser.

– Mama’s Girl

What should Mama’s Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

photo by Darth Fett

Share your advice for this reader in the comments section below…

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently started dating a wonderful man. He’s smart, and interesting, and handsome and the sex has been delightful.

But not outstanding. But we’ve been working a fairly brisk learning curve and we can’t seem to get enough of each other anyway, and I’m stupidly happy in his arms so everything should be coming up roses, right?

Except for the GIANT black-leather-studded elephant in the room, which is his propensity towards BDSM. He hasn’t really trotted it out to me in a big way, but I know that I am decidedly NOT into whatever he’s into, eg: humiliation, manipulation, extreme bondage, violent spankings, etc. He’s brought it up a few times as something that he engages in as a significant part of his sexuality.

I’m definitely not that girl. I can’t imaging enjoying anything about it. I’m the type to be playful in bed, or silly, or just rut like an animal. But always as an equal to my partner. I don’t want to dominate OR be submissive as a defined and absolute role. Humiliation and manipulation, feeling powerless or at someone’s mercy…well, the thought of it frankly terrifies the hell out of me. And being scared does NOT turn me on. I might be the only woman in the world who doesn’t have  a rape fantasy.

I suppose it bears mention that I have a history of manipulation and abuse in my childhood. So having gone through many years and many thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m loathe to have someone assert control over me all over again.

So…is this doomed? The more I think about how this is an integral part of his sexuality, the more upset I get and want to run away. We’ve been having pretty much vanilla sex, and it’s good. But it’s not great. Not for either of us. For me, I think, it’s because I’m perpetually wondering if he’s going to do something that makes me ill at ease, or put me in a position where I will feel scared or somehow terrorized. And I know that’s what he wants, and that by my unwillingness to engage in BDSM, I’m robbing him of his desires. I mean, hell, it’s the only porn he has.

Should I break up with him? I’m definitely not the girl who will satisfy this for him.

– Vanilla Girl

What should Vanilla Girl do? Share your suggestions in the comments section below.

photo via Glamour magazine

Dear Em & Lo,

I hate how I look after gaining 40lbs in the last 5 years. I was only 115lbs. What should I do ? He thinks I’m sexy no matter what. How can I feel the same?

– Weighed Down

What should Weighed Down do? Advise her in the comments section below. [And yes, before you say anything: We are fully aware that the woman in the photo above is far from being 40lb overweight. In fact, we don't think she's overweight at all! But we love the fact she is smiling despite the fact that many people would look at this pic and think, "I hate how my stomach is hanging over my underwear."]