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BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage

August 11, 2014

1 Comment

Okay, so this letter below from one of our readers is super long, and it’s not nearly as memerific as Kickstarter potato salad or photos of celebrities without makeup. But trust us, it’s worth the read. It’s from a man who is married to the woman of his dreams — they love each other’s company, they make each other laugh, they still have sex multiple times a day (even after six years), they can talk about anything, they have helped each other deal with past trauma… and yet something is still missing. We’ll give you a hint: It begins with K, and it’s the opposite of vanilla. Yep, once again, a kink imbalance threatens to ruin a near-perfect relationship.

If you have any advice or thoughts to share with this reader, you can leave them in the thoughts below. But we’re guessing you’re more likely to learn something yourself by reading this letter: What it means to compromise; what it means to really listen; the power of kinky sex to heal… and the power of kinky sex to divide.

I was reading these posts and had to drop in. I’m kind of sad and broken feeling right now. I have a wife who is a beautiful lady and best friend — seriously the one person in the world I can decompress with. But I have been spending all night researching divorce and psychology of dysfunctional relationship sites.

We’ve been together 6 years and honestly we always had sexual incompatibility problems but she is such a baddass that I stuck with it and compromised. I have had a lot of power play in my past as well as “vanilla,” though I hate that term.

I don’t need power play all the time, nor do I want it. I think there’s a time and a place. I don’t want to beat my wife or have her do what I say. I’d say 90% of the time in day to day life, I just defer to her judgment on things cause I love seeing her smile; the other 10 I instantly get my way cause she appreciates me giving her the rains most of the time. We don’t have kids, though we’ve tried. Stress for another day. Due to trying we have a ton of sex, and she’ll try almost anything I want.

When we started I was clear on my past. I was abused as a child. Not sexually, just choked out, bottles broken on my head, tossed down stairs. You know the usual… sorry, bad joke. I inappropriately joke a lot, wife does, too…we like it. Anyway.

I’ve never hit a woman though I have remodeled a couple walls next to them under extreme provocation. I met a Dom in my early 20’s and that was my first adventure into the world of kink. She was kind and cruel. Heartless and all encompassingly caring. Over time, she broke me down to the point I snapped and regressed to that scared little kid in a corner with the 300 lb gorilla cracking his bones over and over. But she’d bring me back. And did that over and over. One day I didn’t cry. Another I didn’t scream. Another I didn’t flinch and magically I lost my fear. I have not once even had to fight back rage since then.

See: My rage was really fear of being powerless. I thought power was either given or taken with no in-between. Now I know true power is restraint, courage, and conviction. The man who takes 5 to the gut but still defends his family and friends ignoring the pain, not the shooter. My dad had no power, just fear dumped onto a little defenseless child and his mother. My Dom gave me this gift and set me free.

I went back to vanilla — no, I’ll just call them straight relationships. I’m still friends with my Dom. We’re both doing awesome in life, kicking ass and taking money. Confidence and a lack of fear is awesome! All that said, I wouldn’t have married her. We just weren’t compatible in other ways. So back to the now.

At first my wife would try anything, but she isn’t into kink at all. In fact she loves sex but only quickies. Takes her maybe five min tops to get off then she’s done. She’ll let me finish but it’s all me at that point. She can have more but they hurt her — 3 or 4 and she’s hating life. She just seizes up too hard when it happens. Me, I’m an all-night man. Quickies are fun, but I love foreplay. She is getting better, but honestly doesn’t see the point. Her hitting on me is turning and saying we should fuck. I like dirty talk, and she tries that too but basically I need to tell her what to say most of the time and she always feels and sounds awkward.

But the biggest thing is the BDSM thing. We used to try. Couple times she started crying. I’d stop but she’d say keep going, get what you need. Sometimes I was like, fuck this (not out loud!), and tried to cool her down. She was broken for days thinking she failed. Couple times I was like, ok, I got this, and pushed her through it. No dice either. She basically said you’re an asshole and locked herself in the bathroom to cry… I don’t like feeling like I actually raped my wife.

I eventually stopped trying. I want her to smile. She doesn’t like blowjobs, or even me going down on her. All she wants is missionary or doggy quickies constantly. 2x a day on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

We fought a lot at first which for us is calmly talking — we don’t yell. And almost split, but settled on me going slow and her having time to grow into it. But she just instantly gives up and makes me feel it’s hurting her. Well that’s supposed to happen, but not that way, a bad way. This made me stop trying to push her and stop trying. But we stayed cause we’re as close to soulmates as I’ve ever even met in a woman anywhere. The best friend ever out of everyone.

But 6 years later our sex is stagnant. I have trouble keeping it up sometimes and mostly just get her off then just tell her I’m tired and we stop. It’s starting to distance us. I don’t even know how to talk about it anymore cause we have, over and over, and she always just says sorry, I’ll try harder, and nothing happens.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t see BDSM as evil or an addiction: It saved my life. and I have friends that have entire play rooms dedicated to roleplay that have wonderful kids and happy compromising lives. To me, it’s a physical statement of love, saying, I want to control every aspect of you, you beautiful person. Or, I want to give myself to you cause you are the one I chose to control my everything.

I don’t think I can meet anyone like her again… but I know on this road I might eventually cheat, and I hate cheaters. Or I’ll just continue to die inside. Which I feel like I’m doing. Shriveling into slow isolation cause I can’t express myself the way I need to, to the only person I care to express myself to. I just can’t lose her but I can’t stay this course.  I can walk from anything but I can’t walk from her… or myself.

Share your thoughts on kinky sex vs. vanilla marriage in the comments section below.

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Your Call: Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?

August 4, 2014

3 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with X for a few years: she’s pretty, fun and genuinely nice. Our political values are totally in line. We both wants kids and I know she’d make a great mother. I love her. The only problem is: I think I’m smarter than she is. I always used to think that in the perfect loving relationship, each person would think the other one was smarter. So now I’m worried that down the road I might start to resent her lack of intellectual curiosity, that her occasional cringe-worthy comments might start to irk me. But then I think I’m just being shallow — that being a good, loving person is way better than reading The New Yorker cover to cover. It’s at the point where we have to decide whether we’re going to get married — if not, I should get out now, for both our sakes. But I’m just not sure. Thoughts?

– Torn

What should Torn do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Your Call: Can I Tell My Married Boyfriend’s Wife About Us?

July 28, 2014

4 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been having an affair with my supervisor for the past two years. Yes, he is married, but he made promises to me to leave her. She suspected us but he denied it, but when she tried to overdose on pills he called it off with me. He tells me he and his wife are over, too, but I don’t know if that’s true. I know we had a special love, and he is just calling it off out of guilt. Do I tell her?

– Cheatin’ (at) Hearts

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Your Call: Revenge on My Ex Didn’t Work, I Feel Worse Than Ever

June 17, 2014

4 Comments

image via Wiki Media

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I (a man) was found by my married H.S. sweetheart. We hooked up, an old flame was reignited, and within a week we were planning our life together. Three months later, it turned sour for me as it seemed like she was stringing me along and never really planned on leaving her comfortable life with her husband.

I felt more disappointed than heartbroken and I sent her husband pics of us together and told him everything that had happened in those three months. Now it seems like she is happy and still with her husband and I am the one fucked over… even though I ended it with her.

I’m just pissed. I have never messed around with a married woman before and won’t be doing it again. Lots more to the story, but you get the jist of it. I am thinking about revenge, but don’t really want to because I feel that I already got my revenge. What should I do?

– Bitter Much

Do you have advice to share with Bitter Much on how he can move past his anger and disappointment? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Your Call: I’m Too Anxious to Enter the Dating World

June 2, 2014

4 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Hi Em & Lo,

I’m a 20-something young lady who never dated throughout high school or university. I am a professional with a steady income, and occasionally go on dates. However, I can never let things get beyond a few dates because of my intense anxiety. I can’t ever seem to let the date get beyond going out for supper because I tense up when sitting with a guy on a couch.

I have a few guy friends and have no issues hanging out with them, but when it comes to the thought of dating or getting ready for a date, my stomach twists into knots and I freak out. I have never really been kissed because the couple of times it happened I didn’t let things get too far and kicked them out.

Part of my fear comes from the unknown – because I’ve never been in the situation, I don’t fully know what to expect. Also, even though logically I know that a guy is unlikely to go further than I want to, I’m afraid that he’ll push me beyond my boundaries. Which admittedly aren’t very far out there.

Have you got any advice to get over this? I really want to be comfortable enough with a guy that I can sit on a couch and watch a movie with him, and enjoy the intimacy that being in a relationship brings!

– Nervous Nelly

Do you have advice to share with Nervous Nelly on how she can conquer her anxiety and enter the dating world? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Your Call: Is It Normal Not to Want Sex?

May 19, 2014

3 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Almost one year ago I had sex for the first time. Since then I haven’t had the urge at all, is this normal? No matter how hot a guy is I just don’t care make conversation (it also doesn’t help that I’m an introvert who is terrible conversing with the opposite sex anyway). Do you have any advice?

– Meh.

What advice do you have for Meh? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Your Call: Do All Young Men Shave Their Chests Now?

May 5, 2014

7 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Are all men in their 20s (and maybe 30s) expected to shave/wax/remove their chest hair these days? Same goes for pubes? What percentage of the population does both these things?

– Fur-ious

Leave your response to Fur-ious in the comments below.

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Your Call: How Do I Subtly Find Out My Friend’s Penis Size?

April 28, 2014

6 Comments

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

How do you get your friend to tell you the size of his, er, meat, when he’s straight and you’re not? Thank you.

– Meat Eater

How do you think Meat Eater should approach this delicate matter of size? In case it affects your reply, we’re assuming this guy wants to know as a simple matter of comparison, i.e. to find out whether he’s above or below average. Either way, you can leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Your Call: I Finally Escaped a 13-Year Toxic Marriage. Now What?

April 14, 2014

8 Comments

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I am 30 years old and a single mother of 4. I just got out of a very toxic relationship of 13 years. I got married when I was 18 to a man eleven years my senior — yes, I was young and dumb. But I also grew up in poverty (my parents got sponsored to the United States just before I was born) and when I was growing up I was not educated enough to understand what a good man is.

Long story short, I accepted so many wrong things and allowed so much wrong doings in my last relationship that I almost want to become anti-social, and just do everything at home, no matter if it’s school, work, or even shopping. During my 13 years of marriage, I became oppressed and stopped everything that kept me happy and devoted my life to this man.

Now that I finally got out of the relationship, I am ready to live again, I am back in school, socializing, just engaging with society — I feel like I’m 18 again and doing everything that I stopped doing when I got married. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, but it really feels like I am catching up with everything I missed out on.

I’m afraid to fall in love with the wrong person and be abused in every way. I’m afraid of being alone as well — I think that’s why I stayed in the relationship for so long. Taking and dealing with all this really FUCKED me up.

I need so much help! How can I move forward?

– The Not So Gay Divorcee

What do you think N.S.G.D. should do? Leave your suggestions for her in the comments section below. 

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Your Call: How Can I Get Her to Let Me In?

April 7, 2014

2 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to respond to a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your deep thoughts in the comments section. 

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*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

 

I have been dating this gal for about 18 months now and recently she said we were getting too familiar. She was widowed seven years ago and when she feels she is falling for me, then she closes up and drives me away. She wants to be friends but does not want to go out and do things friends do. We play cards twice a week but she barely talks to me (though she does chat with others). Any suggestions as to how to get things on the right track again?

– The Outsider

What do you think T.O. should do? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

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