Your Call: Why Is Her Husband Choosing Porn Over Sex?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, about once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below — from a woman whose husband is choosing porn over sex — by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

My husband masturbates pretty much everyday and says it’s faster and easier than having sex.  I feel like he has a low libido though because he seems to only be willing to have sex 1- 2 times a week. Sometimes we don’t even have it in 1 whole week or 2 weeks.  I have a very high libido. I could have once/sex twice a day everyday. Sometimes he will choose pornography to stimulate himself and get erect. Does this mean he isn’t attracted to me and that’s something I should be worried about? He has never been in a relationship before and we are 7 months married.

— Attention Seeker

Why is her husband choosing porn over sex and masturbating every day but only being with her once every week or two? Are their libidos really that different? Is pornography desensitizing him to the real thing? Could he be addicted to porn? Is he longing for the variety he missed out on by never seriously dating anyone before his marriage?

Tell A.S. what you think in the comments below!


  1. Dear Attention Seeker,
    Have you suggested that the two of you masturbate together? I do not mean mutual masturbation, although you could also try that, but just watching each other masturbating.

    We do this often; it is fun and emotionally intimate.

    Good luck!

  2. 1) 1 or 2 times a week is normal for many couples, but maybe not enough for you.

    2) Masturbation within a relationship is normal, however, your husband is doing it INSTEAD of sex, not as a supplement to it. That’s a problem.

    3) He’s been using pornography to clear an initial hurdle just to be able to have sex. There could be any number of issues responsible for that. It’s speculative to say that he’s not attracted to you. Getting to the bottom of it would be good

    1. Also, to go along with number 3, it could be general intimacy issues or he could be self conscious? It is definitely something that should be discussed because in many ways it could negatively affect your sexual confidence. There are many reasons your husband may feel the need to “get it over with” when it comes to…coming.

  3. If he’s never had a relationship before, that suggests they’re very young, and he was possibly a virgin before they were married. Sounds like they could be religious….? If so, maybe he thinks that it’s sinful to think of his wife in dirty, lustful ways. Like she should be a “madonna” and only “whores” can satisfy his dirty thoughts. Not sure that kind of deep-seated bias can be fixed without serious therapy.

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