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Comment of the Week: Lights… and Action!

July 17, 2013

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photo via flickr

Reader Bea said the following in response to our post, “5 Reasons to Have Sex with the Lights On”:

My partner prefers that the lights (or at least some kind of light) are on. At first, it made me very self conscious. Over time I’ve become much more comfortable with it because I know that it’s a turn on for him. Basically, he likes to SEE me. If we wake up in the middle of the night for a romp, I’ll sometimes flip the light switch over the bed before he gets the chance. He loves it when I do that because it means that I know (and appreciate) that it turns him on. and that I’m comfortable enough to initiate that. It was easy to get comfortable because he gave me so much affirmation about how much he loved my body.

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Comment of the Week: How You Know He’s “The One”

July 12, 2013

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Reader MarcieT said the following in response to our post “Your Call: How Do I Know If He’s ‘The One’?” What would you add to this list? (Um, sexual compatibility, anyone?) What would you not include? (Maybe you like watching TV on your own…)

You know he’s “The One” when:

  • You miss having him beside you when you’re vegging out to TV. This means he’s been beside you when you watch tv (not just on exciting dates and planned activities) and that he’s awesome enough that you want him around all the time.
  • You know that you can live with his flaws. You aren’t expecting him to change anything because you know good & bad come with everyone, and his flaws are something you can laugh about, love anyway etc.
  • You don’t have to remind yourself to kiss & hug him hello and goodbye. You do it out of real love, without prompting.
  • You have similar outlooks on family, child-rearing, and religion. Serious conversations like that are part of many religion’s pre-marital counseling, and if you can’t have those conversations, you’re not with the right person.(You can have different faiths, but find a middle ground for your relationship to stand on.) You don’t have to 100% agree from the start, but you need to lay out expectations and be very honest with yourselves.
  • Have you had a first fight? If you haven’t, you’re too far apart to be “the one” for anyone. Doesn’t have to be an all-out passionate blow-out, but disagreement is part of a healthy relationship. How you deal with it – together or apart – says a lot about how compatible you are.

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Comment of the Week: There’s No Such Thing As “The One”

June 27, 2013

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photo via Flickr

While romantic idealism is great for the movies, it’s not so great for real-life long-term monogamy. Which is we loved Bryan‘s practical breakdown this week of one readers question: “How do I know he’s The One?“:

Testing your relationship by asking “Can I live without this person?” is setting yourself up for doubt. The idea of “the one” is romantic, but not practical. It’s based in fantasy. You are better off asking yourself some easier to answer questions, such as:

  • Does this person provide emotional and material support when I need it?
  • Does this person fit well into my lifestyle and beliefs, or will we always be going our separate ways for fun, political engagement, religious activities, etc.?
  • Does this person want kids, and do I want kids?
  • Do we see eye to eye on that? Are we of like minds financially, i.e. are we savers or spenders?
  • Last but not least, are we sexually compatible?

While these questions aren’t quite as entertaining as speculating “is he the one?”, incompatibility in these areas are primary reasons relationships fail.

 

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Comment of the Week: It’s Hard Out There for a Sugar Baby

June 19, 2013

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EMandLo.com regular Johnny said the following in response to our post “Blog Snog: Are Sugar Daddies Just a Myth?”

Oh, sugar daddies and mommas are absolutely real. Most people just don’t have what it takes to be a sugar baby.

The sugar baby reality is that you’ll probably have to exchange sex for money with someone you’re not really into. Just like a prostitute, except you only have one client (or two). Most people literally can’t do it. The genitals just won’t respond.

If you want the sugar baby fantasy scenario – a lover who is rich and classy and not too old and good looking and with whom you share mutual personal affection – then yes, you’re delusional.

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Comment of the Week: How to Talk About His Penis Size

June 5, 2013

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photo via Flickr

Reader Orchid offers the following suggestion in response to our post, “Your Call: If He Asks About Size, Can I Tell Him the Truth?”  We’re not entirely sure how many guys would let a woman leave things at this short and sweet reply, but it’s worth a try — love the suggestion!

That’s easy! “I haven’t seen many penises.” And, I don’t care if you’ve seen hundreds!

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Comment of the Week: Genitals Don’t Wear Out Like Sneakers

May 29, 2013

4 Comments

photo via Flickr

This week’s Comment of the Week was in response to the following comment on the post “Wise Guys: Do Men Care What Labia Look Like?”:

So my boyfriend of three years just informed me that my lips looked like they have been used frequently. I am not quite sure how to take this. I have been with my fair share of people in my life, but I am almost 40. And exposed to more than my fair share of abuse. I knew they were darker and longer than some photos I have seen. He did precede the statement by saying he loved my body and he didn’t want me to take it wrong, but honestly I am not sure how to take it. We live a fair distance apart because of work and children but have known each other for more than 20 years so we do send a lot of photos and videos. We see each other on weekends but I now am more self conscious and don’t know what my options are. This makes me sad and fear that he doesn’t feel the same about me.

“F” immediately responded with the following:

Denise, tell him not to take it badly, but that his cock looks like it’s been overused.

Gosh, would you believe for a second that genitals can look overused? Unless you have bruises and have just given birth, I don’t see how. And in that case, bruises or baby, he should be supporting you, not making you feel insecure about how you look. The only reason he can say that is because he KNOWS you, so he knows how many people you’ve been with, and he can’t deal with that.

I strongly suggest you back off, and find someone who actually loves you and isn’t going to invent twisted ways to insult you rather than talk to you when he’s feeling insecure. Perhaps you can remain friends with that douche, but I’d suggest [you] stay away from him.

(A good counter-example to the crap he told you is this : consider female pornstars. How can they remain popular after banging so many people if their vaginas “started looking used up”, since you mainly get close-ups of their crotchs in their films?)

Is it the most articulate argument? No. Does F stoop to name-calling? Yes. But you gotta love a reader who swoops in to lift someone up after they’ve just been knocked down.

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Comment of the Week: How to Handle Your First Orgy

May 22, 2013

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photo via flickr

The wise and wonderful Figleaf had the following to say in response to our post, “Your Call: Should She and Her Boyf Go to An Orgy?”

I’m with M — assuming you can find some people who play that way then yeah, take it in stages.

And definitely make it clear to your partner that you’ll not only respect but back up his boundaries and that you expect him to do exactly the same for you.

Good reality check: If the orgy attendees are so amateur they don’t explain the house boundaries and ask about yours then you should politely excuse yourselves at the door and go back home. Because even if you didn’t get hurt someone else might, and you don’t really want to be there for that kind of shenanigans.

Another good guideline for declining: is there a beer keg? Is there an open bar? Is there other evidence that folks might get heavily under the influence? If so then go. Note: a glass of wine here and there is fine. Just be wary of heavy going. And if you or your partner are ordinarily partiers that’s fine too — later. But not at first, and really not till you know and trust the people who organize and attend the events.

Oh, finally, I mentioned at the top that you need to know and stand up for your partner’s boundaries as well as expecting him to know and stand up for yours. Part of this is because a reasonable number of women find they actually like the idea of an orgy once they get there and, um, relax their boundaries considerably. Meanwhile a reasonable number of men discover they’re not that comfortable, or not that comfortable that their partner is willing to go further than previously negotiated. Going in with the understanding that both partner’s boundaries are important is kind of a key. Save new ideas for next time.

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Comment of the Week: This Is the Worst Article I Have Ever Read

May 15, 2013

1 Comment

photo via Flickr

It’s not often that a comment makes us laugh out loud, but this one did. There’s just something about a hater that can brighten the day. The best thing about it: we’d understand if this were in response to one of our more political, opinionated posts on, say, gender inequities or abortion rights, but 5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight is a simple advice column with some little tips and tricks for the tongue-tied to spice things up. Who knew it was such a touchy subject? Behold, “Sexual Being”‘s wallop:

This is the worst article I have ever read on any subject. Please don’t ever write anything ever again. You have contributed nothing to the sexually active community. The only people who would benefit from this article are five year olds. Please, please, PLEASE quit this job and go on a journey of self discovery. You are not a writer.

Oh, and by the way S.B., our seven books — including our latest AWARD-WINNING one — would beg to differ with your last point.

 

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Comment of the Week: How to Embrace Your Partner’s Sexual History

May 8, 2013

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Reader Hannah offered up the following very wise (and patient!) advice in response to our post “Your Call: How Do I Get Over All the Sex She’s Had Before Me?”

Sigh… A man wants a virgin who will be his whore.

I am going to try to avoid criticizing though, since I think this is a case where you legitimately don’t realize the misogyny underlying your feelings. Maybe your problem could easily be resolved if you could just get to the root of why you feel that way and see how deeply offensive and hateful it is to women.

The issue is, when you obsess too much about what your woman did in the past- how much, with whom, how often, and how ecstatically- you are treating her as a piece of your property. Her body is not yours though, and what she did with it before has nothing to do with you, plain and simple. And you can’t just pick and choose which parts of her you want to love, so it’s important to see how these experiences have shaped her and how they are a part of things that make her really amazing.

Her being a “slut” comes along with all sorts of positive things. Maybe she is a very empowered, intelligent person who knows what she wants. Maybe she is a very loving, sensuous person who enjoys intimacy and delights in pleasure. Maybe she’s super adventurous and curious, and she wants to see all that life has to offer. These qualities could all result in someone having a lot of sex in their past, but they are essentially GOOD qualities that you probably love about her.

It’s not right to reduce her simply to her number and then to attach a label to that. How do you get over that? Put the “slutty” part of her back together with that whole beautiful person that she is. If you talked to men who had been married 10 or 20 years, most of them would love to have your problem. I mean, a woman who loves sex and is great at it? And who will actually want to keep having it with you several years down the line? If you can’t stand that, then just let her go and find some virgin who is afraid of sex and has no idea how to orgasm. Or find someone who genuinely doesn’t like sex, and never wanted to have it with anyone, including you. Believe me, there are thousands of men (and women) who would love your woman exactly as she is.

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Comment of the Week: No Slut-Shaming, Please

May 1, 2013

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It’s not the length of the comment, but it’s content. This week, we loved
Nikki’s short and to-the-point comment on this week’s “Your Call”:  How Do I Get Over All the Sex She’s Had Before Me?

Ugh. “Slutty?” What exactly makes her slutty? Having had sex before you came around? Enjoying sex too much? If you have so little respect for her, why are you with her? I hope she has the good sense to figure out she deserves better than you.

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