Dear Em & Lo,
I just had sex for the first time with the guy I’ve been dating, after 2 group hang-outs and 3 official dates. So far he has been really consistent, calling when he says, etc. But I’ve been burned a lot — usually get dumped after the first-time sex part with guys I like. Like I’m too easy or something? By the way, the sex is good.
So here’s my question: I know a man (if he’s interested) should call the next day after first-time sex, but this guy emailed a thankyou the next day. Is that the same thing in this day and age? Or is he just not that into me — using email to distance himself and gonna blow me off? I’m paranoid — been burned!
Fool me twice,
We didn’t know that guys were supposed to send thankyou notes after sex. Did he really say thank you?! Doesn’t that kind of make it seem like you were doing him a favor? One would hope that a good time was had by all. Personally, we’d rather get orgasms than thankyou notes or flowers.
That said, we admit that it is a nice touch to check in with someone after you’ve had sex for the first time. It just lets your partner know that you’re not one of those assholes (of either gender) who goes AWOL after doing the dirty. But we don’t see why email should mean he’s just not that into you.
Some people (like Em, for example) just don’t give good phone, and email lets you get the message just right on such an important occasion as this. It lets you sweat for hours over a three-line note that comes across as breezy yet interested and flirty without being needy. (Em once spent an hour just coming up with the right subject line for her morning-after email. You know, witty without appearing to try too hard. When she graduated to using “re:re:re: Re: re: hey” as the subject line with her current guy, he asked her, “Is the magic gone?”)
By the way, we try to steer clear of concepts like “too easy.” If a guy’s going to go AWOL after sex, he’s going to do this whether you make him wait one date or fifty. In fact, you could make the argument that having sex sooner just weeds out the ship-jumpers from the men with relationship stamina. Why not just have sex when it feels right?
Em & Lo