1. @Johnny You seem like an enlightened guy, so I’ll remind you that if your body ever seems out of whack, nutrition should be the first thing you check. A lot of guys get adrenal fatigue (low adrenaline caused by stress, lack of sleep, too much caffeine), so make sure a naturopath or holistic nutritionist is on your health care list. Too much stress and caffeine could definitely lead to occasional bouts of Al Bundy syndrome!

    Also, yeah, it might sound bad, but if your GF or BF changes drastically in appearance, it would be a turn-off for most people. They say men are the visual creatures and that women don’t care as much in that department….yeah, right, that’s why all the romance novels have Jon Lovitz on the cover… Personally, if my husband is in Al Bundy mode, it’s because he’s totally bothered/wrapped up with something at work, and thinking that I’m being “mean” to him (during these times, I don’t think that my behaviour changes, but that when he’s stressed he tends to feel everyone is ganging up on him). So, maybe the answer is more self-preservation/care: Don’t burn the candle at both ends (pedicures help too…maybe not so much for you, though… 🙂 )

  2. @Madamoiselle L…..remember, most couples start off at 2-3 x a week, pre-kids, and drop off from there! I knew someone who, in all seriousness (and bitchiness) told her husband the rule was “no sex for 6 months after the baby,” and she went on to say that after that period they had sex “once a month whether he needed it or not, ha ha.” So you wonder why men get all freaked out about the post-baby sex drought…I think you guys only experienced a day or two without rain, so to speak!

  3. it is important for married couples to be aware of thier sexual appetite towards each other. if the attraction and desire starts to deminish, be creative and innovative in ways of doing it. You might be surprised to find exciting moves that will excite your partner and yourself.

  4. Johnny, I think it was a good thing you and this woman found out it wouldn’t work out before you got married. Again, the “Test Drive” thing comes into play.

    Like SS said, yes, when you have small children, sex is not the first priority, at least for most mothers. But, the way My Man and I looked at it (after I explained it to him LOL!) was, “The babies NEED Mama, Mama only has so much energy. Papa may *want* Mama, too, but he’s an adult and can wait until Mama regains some of her autonomy and her energy. Baby, Mama and Papa will all be better off if we act like adults. (except Baby, who is not an adult, is all ID and only is able to act like a baby.)” OK. That worked for us. I’m not going to say My Man was thrilled at the time, when our sex life dropped off to 2 or 3 times a week when the kids were really small, but it got back on track when the kids got older…..then we had an other one…..then when she got older, it got better again.

    I think he finally realized “The energy, power and dedication she is putting into these children will come back my way 10 fold when the kids are older. I know now she is capable of such deep dedication and hard work to an other person. And because I didn’t bitch and moan, (too much) and have learned to appreciate the work she did to make our children happy babies who then could grow into independent kids. The love and tenderness she gave to them is something I can see, and I know I get that same stuff, but only different and in a lot of ways, better.”

    The way I see it, you can raise your kids when they are YOUNG, do it right, do it ONCE, and then they take over for themselves. OR one can be selfish and NOT raise the kids properly when they are young, let strangers do it, take short cuts, put yourself first etc and then one can spend the REST of one’s life taking care of adults who never learned to Trust, Love and Appreciate others. A mother can do the work when the kids are young (and Papa can help, and not moan about his lack of thrice daily sex) OR they can all pay for her lack of hard work for the rest of their lives, as her children will do as well. The sex will get better and more frequent, as long as the man understands WHY Baby needs her more at the time. (Of course, Mama needs to realize that she will need to step up to the place again in full form when the baby is a little older. There’s no resting on your laurels when you are a mother and wife. It’s hard work EVERY DAY.)

    Our situation has little to do with luck. We worked REALLY HARD to keep this going. We know we love each other more than anything. We both take care of ourselves and each other. I go out of my way to try to still look good, he tries to take care of himself. It’s WORK, but not a chore. There’s a difference, WORK is something you don’t mind doing, because you know the outcome will be good. A chore are……obligation and eventually resentment. We try to keep “chores” out of the bedroom.

    I don’t know how unique we are, but I know we WORK very hard to keep our relationship fresh and alive. I don’t nag, and I rarely say “no” to sex, and often innate it, and he remembers I need things like compliments and flowers and candy….and cuddling afterward.

    Little things like this sound silly, but they show you are THINKING about the person you are living with, sleeping with, raising kids with, cleaning up with, grocery shopping with, fighting with, fucking, loving, screaming at, and working beside to make your lives not just livable, but enjoyable, sensual and as happy as is humanly possible as often as humanly possible.

    That’s all I know about that.


  5. hello freedom, you are so right I’ve been their and done that, and now he want’s it back LOL with HA HA HA. what goes around comes around,in a ten fold, what did they think that this is ok? you know that the cheater knew he would loose everything. but didn’t care while he was cheating,and good point you didn’t do this and it’s not your fault!!!!! he wants to come back
    so how bad was the marriage in the first place? did he want the divorce or did you file? It sounds like my storie he cheated and I filed and he fighting me not to get the divorce he wants marriage counseling. should of tryed that befor the cheating I told him you need the counseling, I’m good like you worked hard on the marriage raised 2 kids and after 22-23yrs of marriage you cheat.ok kids are over 21!!! YAHOO!!!! getting divorced still look good time to party, freedom you are doing the right thing by taking care of your daughter teaching her that you are a strong women, that cheating is wrong and it hurts the family,you will find a great guy one that will help you teach her what a good marriage is and what to expect from a good guy, good luck god bless you

  6. SS,

    It was a few things. Yes, my feelings for her began to chage, but for me that just creates a chicken-egg dilemma. Did my feelings change because my sexual interest waned, or vice versa?

    Also, that “dramatic weight gain” thing I mentioned before kinda happened. That didn’t help. In fact it was a major blow.

    The pervasive paranoia among bachelors is that once you marry a woman she’ll just quit having sex with you. And that certainly does happen. But I’m starting to realize that the Al Bundy problem of male sexual disinterest is equally pervasive. Never thought that would be me.

  7. @Johnny, was it the sex that became boring, or your feelings toward her that changed? Because they may be two separate issues. I think sometimes in relationships where the sex is great, other problems/incompatibilities are swept under the rug, to some extent, and you ignore potential problems that might have been more apparent if you were out of bed more! (And by “you,” I mean anyone…) It’s definitely challenging at times being with the same person for ever (married 23 years here), because you know when there’s an issue or problem, you have to deal with it, you can’t just move on (well, I guess you can, but that’s not the idea.) Also,in mentioning starting a family, for a lot of people, sex drops off exponentially after kids, so your fears are completely justified. You know, it may not be out of the question that you might meet someone who, while maybe not a “swinger,” would consider being non-monogamous from time to time… I think you’re just being honest about what a lot of people gloss over and romanticize: Namely, that it is a lot of work to stay married AND turned on!

  8. I cheated at the end of my marriage. I felt certain from a young age I would never do this but I found out I am as human as the rest, as susceptible to temptation and not a martyr.

    My husband and I had a very spicy, whirlwind romance but soon after we married we just did not connect. He worked a lot and had bad habits that I later found out came from his youth. He pretty much saw nothing but men putting down their wives.

    We were good partners in many ways, but without the emotional energy from him in our marriage, we had sex maybe once or twice a year. I got used to it and my sex drive completely shut down and I focused on other things, which he encouraged.

    12 years into our marriage I ended up meeting someone. He had a lot of issues himself and I later found out he was a serial cheater and a sex addict. But he was attractive and he pursued me like crazy and it woke up this sleeping beast in me. My better judgment was completely overwhelmed by the attention I was getting. It was like a drug.

    I did not end my marriage because of this. In fact, it caused me to recognize how wrong it was for me to be okay with how our marriage was. It also caused me to focus on my marriage and try to get the sparks back. We really tried, but it was beyond repair and we did divorce.

    The lesson I learned from this is to never accept an emotionally or sexually dead relationship as okay. And, as I can, I try to share that lesson with others so that hopefully they won’t make the same mistake I did. For the record, I think adultery is wrong and I know what I did was wrong and all you can do is move forward and take away a lesson from your mistakes. I am just comforted by the fact that my husband did not find out and have to suffer the pain of realizing what had happened.

  9. Mml. L, I hate to say it (cause it sucks for the rest of us), but I think you and your husband belong to a lucky and miniscule minority of people who are still hot for each other after 20 years. I do not think this is the norm. Not by a long shot. I think that many people who were sexually compatible in the beginning drift apart sexually because of boredom, dramatic weight gain, emotional baggage, familiarity, etc.

    I had a kinky, hot and willing ex who I used to screw 3 times a day for the first two years. After that, I lost interest. Sex with her became a tiresome chore, and we broke up not long after. If I had married her in those first two years, we’d be one of those sexually frustrated couples.

    My greatest fear at this point in life is that a limited sexual attention span will sabotage my plans to have a family some day. And let’s face it – there just aren’t enough swinger chicks to go around.

  10. Even is most states with No Fault divorce, you can still get a regular divorce (one where there is “fault” but if the adultery could be at all proven, it would not be his “fault” I am sorry to say. (If there is any proof.)

    If you worked for the farm, you should get some of it. Cheating or no cheating.

    People can usually get at least some of what they ask for in a divorce. But some have reasons to prolong the agony.

    I guess I am saying, if he’s (the guy you are screwing) good enough to risk your husband leaving you, and with the adultery on your part, if it could be proven, perhaps getting EVERYTHING if HE chooses a “fault” divorce, which is still legal and takes the first step then he (the Other Man) is good enough to LEAVE you husband for, and start the process BEFORE the husband does so.

    I’d rather be happy and poor than land rich and miserable. How long can your situation go on? Judges don’t care what who “told” whom. They go with what they see as the facts. No amount of “he’s a lying scum bag” or “she’s a nasty woman” is going to have much impact on the divorce settlement, judges are immune to whining. They take what is happening at face value.

    I’d leave. I can’t live in misery. My Man and I have property and “an estate” together that I wouldn’t want to lose, but nothing would force me to live in a loveless, sexless marriage. No amount of property or money is worth that living hell.

    You have to make your own choice, and you DO have a choice. Everyone does.

    Good luck.

  11. My husband has been unable to have sex for several years – so if I want sex I cheat. yes – I have done it .

  12. I am sorry but she told him she could not have kids. If I were to leave my husband I would lose the farm and home I have work for 24 years even though where I live is a no fault state

  13. I have been married to the same man for 22 years and he is a good dad. About a year ago I found the one man that I truly love but at 17 my bio father said he would kill him if I did not stop seeing him so I broke up with him but over the following 3 years he was always there when I needed someone then I took my mom who had try to kill herself after my father left for another woman 1 mile from from the house and 3 years older then me. my father was abuse , that is all I will say on that. I had back and neck surgery and a few of our friends and my oldest daughter started telling me sorry, because I could not get the farm work done and he did not do it we lost our crops for the most part. When I got better I was out and one day heard a name I knew and my heart felt like a teenager again we met for coffee and after a number of months we kissed and the sparks were still there but we did nothing because of both being married. after about 8 months we both had busy that took us to the same town and we met for dinner and ended up in my room, we have been seeing each other at lest once a month now for 3 months. My husband who tells me I am fat is 5’8″ and weights almost 300lbs doesn’t to have sex with me and I have a very healthy sex drive. He has a wife who will put out if he buys her things or does things for him but both my girls are grown he still has a 13 and 16 kids but she told him she could have kids and the oldest daughter he took of a year to spent with her while his wife worked. he does the house work ,they go out to eat almost every night, he takes care of most of the kid needs, and works a very demanding job, he is a department head for a manger business.I deal with a large family farm and I mean I do most of the work as well as I have my own business that I travel for at less once a month and I make my own product for a small side business as well as I have returned to school. I love being with my old boyfriend and I do not want to stop. I am happy again.

  14. Zinnie, I am thinking you didn’t find out if you and your ex-husband were sexually compatible BEFORE you got married? This has been one of my points in many posts in the last few months. The “Stay a virgin until your wedding night, because then it will be better, because there is no such thing as sexual compatibility.” Versus, “Make sure you KNOW EVERYTHING about the person you are marrying before you get married. How they feel about sex being among one of the most important of the things to find out.”

    There was a discussion where some feel there is no such thing as Sexual Compatibility and that people can “learn” to sync their sex drives and desires to their “husbands” after the wedding. This rather naive idea, of course, was brought to us by people who are not yet having sex, and therefor have no idea what a sexual relationship entails. It’s always easy to think that one can solve problems that one has never had.

    As you found out, having a long term sexual relationship BEFORE you got married would have taught you this man has issues with sex, and a VERY low sex drive and thus would not be a good partner for someone with a normal sex drive as you obviously have. (Because I don’t care what the “experts” say, people under 90 who only want sex “every 3 or 4 months” are NOT “normal.”)

    The way I see it, MORE marriages could be saved, from having them NEVER occur. If people would “take a test drive” (meaning months or years of sex play so you can see your partner if every situation) before you even THINK about a wedding, and those who are sexually incompatible stay away from the altar, or the judge or where ever they will get married. (Because in most cases, bad sex BEFORE the wedding will not lead to good sex after, (so it’s better to know, so you can avoid relationships which aren’t working BEFORE taking a huge step such as marriage) and isn’t it better to KNOW it’s not going to work than to go through years or decades of incompatibility and frustration? Maybe even after children are born, and having to drag them through the agonies of divorce?)

    Summer, dear, although I agree with you that cheating is a nasty thing to do to one’s partner. I have been with My Man for well over 20 years (and neither of us have ever cheated) and I can tell you, that it is NOT “easy” to simply solve all problems simply by asking “what’s wrong?” If it were that easy NO ONE would have relationship problems.

    In fact, many times, the more serious the problem is, the less likely the person asked is to talk about it. Many problems in marriage stem from long held and often secret issues with the way they were parented in a less than healthy way and how they either accepted their parent’s bullshit or learned, in a healthy way, to reject this stuff. If the partner has not yet rejected unhealthy parenting, then the “talk” is simply not going to happen easily. And, the more serious the problem is, the more likely it is that the roots are deep.

    I was seeing My Man when I was your age, and I can assure you, the things I thought were “serious” (with the exception of one pregnancy scare) were NOTHING compared to much of the things we have faced as adults with children, bills, compatibility issues, family stress, property, career choices, education payments, differing ideas about yard and housework, differing ideas on child rearing, “parenting” one’s aging parents, taxes and income an so on.

    I admire your 2 year relationship and the evident communication you have with him, but you and your man have a LONG way to go, and many problems will crop up in the coming decades (if you stay with him) which will be more difficult to solve than a simple conversation.

    If problem solving in a long term relationship were that easy, (of course, communicating is the key to most of it) but often it is not as easy when the problems are deep and serious. I can assure you, as you mature, the problems in a relationship will only get tougher to solve, where as adults, there are more responsibilities, and a hell of a lot more to lose than when one is 17.

    You may have a good start, keep at it, but, honey, you don’t know more about relationships than people who have been in healthy decades long relationships.

  15. Let us divide the world into heartless people and self-righteous ones and feel self-satisfied with these positions. The Cheaters vs. The Judgers. I think, then, we should perform double blind studies to find out whether Cheaters or Judgers have certain sexual tendencies, like who is more dominant in bed? Which group is the kinkiest? Oh, I forgot, it can’t be a double blind study since the world is now divided entirely into two groups. There will be none left for a control group. Sorry. With that in mind, we can still hypothesize about the subject. Emotional conundrums aside, of our two groups, who do you suppose is better in bed?

  16. You people are so stupid. Really? Cheating on him or her? Is that really okay? All you think about is yourself. Damn you should really talk to your Significant Other and understand how they feel. Oh, that’s right. Some of you are too selfish or you think talking about feelings are ‘icky’ well grow up. I’m 17 and I know better than you people. God you seriously need some help. I’ve been with the same man for two years and of course we aren’t married because were not old enough but whatever. We talk and and do all that stuff. We understand each other better than people who are married. It’s because people who marry someone think it’s okay to slack off in the relationship. You just stop communicating and start drifting. Just because they won’t have sex with you doesn’t mean it’s okay to cheat. Maybe you should say ‘Hey honey, is there something going on? Are you okay?’ It’s not that hard people. Seriously. Grow up!

  17. The Golden Rule… Treat others how you want to be treated! Nuff said.

    P.S. Keep sacred things sacred, because we don’t need anymore little idiot bastards running around on this planet…

  18. Well, when I got married in November, and had sex a few time then, and no more from mid-December to March, well yeah. I did find someone else. He said it was just differing sex drives. After a few years, i just had to find out if I was still physically attractive to a man. Yes, it was an act f poor character. No, it did not happen in a vacuum. He was only interested in sex once every 3-4 months, sometimes less. I’m a three or four times a week girl. Still, I stayed with him because I married him. Stupid me, Took 16 years to divorce him.

  19. Cheaters, have no respect for anyone, including themselves. They are infact ABUSERS….

    I worked hard at having a good marriage, at the end of 20 years. I learned, he had cheated on my numerous times over the 20 years. I was a trusting person, not anymore. I have worked very hard, and have been told I am very attractive. But all of that did not matter, he was mean and became meaner with each affair. I struggled trying to figure out what was wrong. He was wrong. It had nothing to do with me.

    What does have to do with me, is we have a 6 year old daughter who is heart broken because of what he did. I have had my heart shattered and crushed. I did everything to be a good and loving wife, he did everything to make me feel bad about myself, because of his behavior. It is a sickness and I believe all cheater have mental problems.

    What is left is the spouse who has been cheated on trying to sort out the feelings and work threw them in a positive manner. Try to help your children deal with the issue in a positive manner so they don’t grow up and do the same kind of poor behavior of abuse to their spouse.

    But in the end, now he is wanting to come back and I will not have him back. He is not worth the heart break and pain he has caused. Trying to put my life back together and give my daughter the security that he stole from her when he cheated on me.

    Cheaters never win, nor do their families. All that happens is a lot of pain, that is the truth about cheaters.

  20. cheaters SUCK!!!!! get a set of balls what goes around comes arounds in a ten fold!!!!
    may you find the love of your life the one that makes your world spinn, may that person cheat on you!!! and if your a cheater and have kids may thay marrie some one like you!!!! then maybe you will see and feel the hurt that you caused some one eles in your child’s eye when they come crying to you. any S.T.D.?

  21. Cheating on your significant other because they cheated on you first is not justification. That’s rationalization in order to make what you did feel/seem less wrong. Wrong is wrong, and two wrongs don’t make a right. I thought we all learned this is kindergarten, but I guess the lesson failed to stick for some people.

  22. I kind of agree with Karen. At the end of the day as long as the other person is none the wiser, I don’t think there is any harm–although now I generally try to be up front with girlfriends that I am seeing other people. I’ve pretty much cheated on every girlfriend I have ever had though. At first I thought I had real issues and and a sex addiction, but then I realized I;m just a guy who really likes to have sex and sad as it is to say, it gets boring with one person. On the flip side, I wouldn’t be too fussed if I found out a gf had cheated on me. I’m sure lots of people will disagree with this and say nasty things, but what I am saying is about as honest as it gets. As for all the comments saying that a good sex life means you won’t stray, that’s rubbish. Having sex with multiple people is not just great fun but it meets certain needs. I love Japanese food. In fact, I love Japanese food more than every other food in the world. Does that mean I want to eat Japanese food every day? Hell no! I do enjoy a nice bit of Italian or Chinese once in a while–and even on the rare occasion a hamburger at MacDonalds is nice!

  23. I’m going through the same situation as Anna. I don’t think it’s cheating, because you’re taking a break from the relationship, which means you’re single for a while but one day you’ll have to talk about getting back together or breaking up for real.
    The only problem is when you fall in love with the 2nd guy. Then things can get really complicated… I really love my “boyfriend” but I also feel something for the other guy and now I’m really confused.

  24. I have once on my current bf when we were going through a rough patch. It was bad but at the same time it was a good thing because it really made me realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side and that deep down my bf is the one that I love and care for deeply. I regret it, but at the same time I wonder what would have happened if it didn’t happen. P.S. He never found out.

  25. Well me and my boyfriend took a break because it seemed to me as if he was wayy to busy to be involved in me, the way i needed him to be. In the midst of all this another guy came into my life and filled all the voids that my boyfriend left in my life. He made me feel special, beautiful, and important to him. We ended up hooking up during me and my boyfriends break. My boyfriend found out about it and spazzed, im still denying it til this day. But if i hooked up with someone while me and him were on a BREAK; is it still concidered cheating???

  26. I cheated once, and never again. In my case (I know it doesn’t sound real, but what can I do…) I was on vacation with this guy in the wilderness (I kid you not) without cell reception or access to any sort of communication and on a whim I agreed to be his girlfriend. Bad decision all around, and I knew it nearly immediately. He left and an old guy friend of mine came, and I ended up cheating on my new boyfriend with him. I broke up with my boyfriend the minute I got cell reception.


  28. I cheated on my fiancee before we got serious again. I was sleeping with my ex husband. I feel guilty because we were together but we weren’t living in the same house and I knew for a fact that he was sleeping with his ex as well.. My ex husband was staying with me for a little bit because we have a child together and he needed a place to stay. I feel guilty and wish I had never done that because than me and my ex husband wouldnt feel like enemies right now..

  29. Karen@Cali. So… just wondering… how many times have you had to take antibiotics for when it… burns when you pee?
    Seriously. Cheating on people for the sake of just getting some is pretty sad.

  30. well… with my current bf.. i caught him cheating while i was browsing his phone… after months of observing him… i’ve read many messages of a girl even calling him “honey” “sweetheart” “can i come over” “open the gate, i know she’s not in”, i don’t know why other guys just can’t admit that they’re wrong, that what they’re doing is wrong though the proof is presented right under their nose… anyway… i gave him another chance… but if i caught him again… it would be the end of our relationship… i just couldn’t stay when i know i’m not needed and loved anymore!

  31. hmmm… i did it before, just once… when my ex was miles away from me… he’s working somewhere in Dubai… everytime he calls… he says somethin’ bout me cheatin’ on him… everytime he calls, he repeats sayin’ that over and over for a month until i gave in to my friend… duh! i really don’t like him telling me things i’m not doing or else i’m really gonna do it for real…

  32. i don’t cheat now and never will but i have been cheated on and its a pretty lame thing to do to another person, it breaks ones trust in the opposite sex. to this day i enter relationships with this thought in the back of my mind “when’s she gonna get a better offer and not bother to notify me”. grow a backbone cheaters!!! break it off and stop USING and DECIEVING whoever your cheating on.

  33. I have never cheated but have been cheated on recently. I visited unannounced. What a jackarse!! He never admitted he was wrong and blamed me for finding out. JERK! Any legbreakers out there…..?? lol. I still would never cheat.

  34. I cheated all the time with each and every guy I have been with. Why be faithful to a guy when he’s out with his friends. As long as he doesn’t know and I don’t know I don’t care.

  35. i cheat quit often im stuck in a relationship with binding circumstances i love the attention i get from others i cant help myself….some advice live before love!!!!!

  36. I cheated a few times. 5 times to be exact. 4 times on one of ex bfs who died last year, because he was cheating on me. and was never home when i tried to break it off with him. so with 4 different guys i use to talk to, i cheated on him with. had sex once and just made out the other times. i dnt regret doing it. and i cheated last year on current ex boyfriend on the man i’m with now. he was a punk and couldn’t hold his own. i mean i heard of a mama’s boy, but this was a daddy’s boy. i couldn’t handle it. and i have been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year and not once has cheating crossed my mind. i found the right one.

  37. I’ve only cheated once. I was a freshman in college and my boyfriend, who was about 16 hours away from me, kept accusing me of cheating. No matter what I said, he wouldn’t believe me, so I decided if I was going to be punished I might as well have the fun of doing the crime. That was the only time though. In the rest of my relationships, if I wasn’t feeling it, Id just dump them and move on.

  38. ^^ That’s just sad, my man. No, you are not a cheater. You are a cuckold. And you don’t even see it. You’re sitting there wondering if you’re somehow guilty of wrongdoing, when your wife has had THREE AFFAIRS AT LEAST.

    You will not “reconcile” anything, least of all through communication. Communication will only further highlight your spinelessness.

    Your wife LIKES cheating. These are your options:

    1. Divorce her, cause she’ll never, ever respect you. And why would she? You sound like a doormat.

    2. Open the relationship. Make good on some of your sissy “emotional affairs” and get yours, just like she’s getting hers.

    3. Get in touch with your inner cuckold fetishist and actually get off on the thought of her with other men.

    You can’t possibly fix a marriage when you yourself are in such a pitiful state. Your testicles need to descend before you even consider being with a woman like that. That’s something you may need to work out on your own, sans cheating wife.

    Sorry for the tough love dude, but I really winced reading that.

  39. I have never cheated on my husband, nor he on me. We had an Open Relationship for about 5 or 6 years when we were younger, and I think we got it out of our systems. We have been monogamous since our commitment at the end of the Open Relationship over 20 years ago.

    Temptation is always there, but the Love and commitment we have for each other is more important than a few hours of play that could destroy a good thing. Plus, if a couple has sex often and has GOOD sex, and keeps the lines of communication open there is rarely a reason to cheat, IMO. (And yes, that means TALKING about SEX. No relationship survives healthily if this isn’t discussed frequently.) I keep My Man too damn fatigued from our being together frequently for him to even think about it. LOL! (And, I guess he does the same for me.)

    I have a problem understanding people who stop having sex a year or less into a marriage, did you NOT know the person had a much lower sex drive than you did? Did you assume it would simply “change?” (things don’t) Did you not bother to find OUT? Did your partner actually “change?” (A rapid change in sex drive can be a serious physical or psychological issue that should not be put aside.)

    As I have said before, you wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive or a house without a walk through and and inspection WHY would someone get into something as serious as marriage without knowing their partner’s sexual feelings, actions, how high they put sex on the “Importance” scale in their life and their and your desire for frequency, and whether the two of you are sexually compatible? If you weren’t sexually compatible for at least 2 years before the white dress and the church, things aren’t going to change after the wedding.

    Also, I see a HUGE difference between the “boyfriend of a month” and a marriage. You don’t know someone after only a month, I don’t understand how anyone would decide to be exclusive after such a short period of time. Did you and this man TALK about being exclusive? After only (or less) a MONTH of dating? Sorry, I can’t wrap my head around some things. If you haven’t discussed it, and don’t know each other well, you cannot assume it is an exclusive relationship! And in most cases a month is MUCH too short to know someone well enough to be exclusive.

    I don’t consider this “cheating” because I doubt there was any discussion of exclusivity and without that discussion and agreement, there is NO exclusivity. Just someone calling someone “my boyfriend” does not mean it is a monogamous relationship.

    There is a lot more to a long term relationship than words. Both people have to agree that this is “it” for both of you. ONE person cannot decide and expect that the other person is simply “thinking” what you are. Monogamy is serious. It takes maturity, commitment, experience and dedication. It also takes discussion and an AGREEMENT. I know I wouldn’t agree to monogamy with someone after only a month of dating, there are too many variables in the beginning of a relationship, and it takes longer than a month to KNOW that person in a serious romantic sense (even if you have known each other before hand) to leap into something that isn’t ripe enough to make important decisions, like monogamy, about.


  40. There is no option in this poll for emotional affairs, which I have had many, but no physical affairs. My wife of 15 yrs has admitted to 3 physical affairs, but I think that the number is higher, plus numerous emotional affairs as well. We are reconciling and communication is definitely the key to EVERYTHING!!! but, am I a never or considered a cheater??? hmmm…

  41. Slartibartfast, you sound attractive to me. If I were in a relationship, I might consider cheating with you. I’m being completely serious. When I was married I cheated and I hated myself for it. My husband was in a deep depression for our entire marriage and I was so painfully lonely because he didn’t want anything to do with me emotionally or physically. So I succumbed. I have learned a lot since then and with the complete understanding as to what was going on, I can say most assuridly I will never be in a relationship that would drive me to it again.

  42. well truthfully i haven’t cheated on any of my previous relationships they mostly did it themselves at times i wasn’t even aware of it even happening under the radar … but they later learned that karma is the biggest bitch ever that came sooner or later to bite them back in the asses in the end lol now look whos laughing now …. but even though i had my faults i am just trying to see if there is actually a guy out there for me that has his head on his shoulders and knows what he wants in life instead of lame excuses and brain farts …

  43. i have twice now, thefirst time my boyfriend of 2 years lost the warmth he had in the proir years and i found myself hooked to a guy who only lasted 3 months. after reconciling with my very first boyfriend again, i meet another guy who i dont want to lose

  44. have never cheated but have been cheated on twice. is a painfully,hurtful time. and as usual was with a good friend

  45. Hey Slartibartfast, sorry GF1 didn’t work out, sounds like it was really special. Good luck, especially with the fjords…

  46. Looks like you guys cheat when there is no communication within the relationship. I bet you think you are the only one who is cheating on your Sig.Other, but maybe they are cheating on you too. Just talk, see what’s up, see if the relationship can change. If not, break up. Better than bringing home an STD and give it to your partner. Nobody likes a cheater, and nobody likes to be cheated on. If you find yourself hard to be monogamous, be poly amorous.

  47. Desert Lotus: Your sagacity is prodigious. Yeah, I’ve got my issues but there’s also my deep and abiding love of fjords (and Fords) to keep me on an even keel. Without doubt, though, there are times when I have incredible difficulty with my lifestyle. All things considered, I’m mostly harmless.

  48. SS: I’m truly sorry; I never meant to pique your interest. Honest. My tone was intended to be slightly tongue-in-cheek but the facts of the matter are entirely accurate. I felt a rather profound, persistent connection to GF1 and that made the idea of infidelity unconscionable. Oddly, the feeling persisted after our dissolution and didn’t help things with GF2. After that relationship ended in 2001, I basically decided to give it a rest. I hope that helps without being an overshare. I’m not unique, but it’s been brought to my attention that I may be atypical.

  49. 3 years married to my husband and starting of the 2nd year he stopped being affectionate. I was invited to a friends party and i kissed a guy, then there was another time when i picked up a guy friend who needed a ride home yeah he kissed me too but no i didn’t have sex with them. So is kissing considered messing around?????

  50. i have been married 15 years and nothing has change if anything it has gotten better my husband and i take the time to know exactly what pleases each other and keep tring until we get it right

  51. I have been married 10 years. My husband is great but we don’t click sexually or emotionally even though we make a great team. So yes I have cheated on him. He gives me 90% of everything I could ever ask for in a man so I find the 10% that he can’t else where. That way I can appreciate the 90% he is so great at that much more.

  52. “I’m beginning to suspect that I may have some other issues, though.”

    helloooo, your name is Slartibartfast,
    of course you have issues!
    giant, really, really big ones.
    planet sized.

  53. wow Richie, ever wonder if someone else was meeting her needs? If it’s an open relationship then woot it works for you both. If not and this is something that would hurt her perhaps your lack of appreciation for her and love of yourself first explains why she doesn’t find you particularly sexy.

  54. Married now for 17 years, my wife just would not want to have sex. try everything and see just would not put out. so I cheated, had 4 different girls all for a long time. I love my wife but love my self more so if she does take care of me, somebody else will…there pleny of single moms out there!!!

  55. I cheated once. It was during a relationship that my ex was being too clingy (we were only together for a month), and I had my eye on this other boy for a couple years. Well I had my chance with the other boy, and we started dating the day I broke up with clingy boy. Me and the guy I had my eye on for a few years were together for two years. He ended up having anger problems that I was blinded to because of my infactuation with him. Infactuation fades.

  56. Most definitely a ‘Never’. Heck, I don’t even date in part because it would feel too much like cheating on my first girlfriend. And we broke up in 1995. I’m beginning to suspect that I may have some other issues, though.

  57. Just once, when I was 23, at the end of a relationship, started a new thing before breaking it off, it was pretty immature – and something I have never and will never do again. I’ve since been cheated on in a big way, and could never inflict that on someone else.

  58. i didn’t break up with a girl before started dating another one. One was aware of the other and didn’t care. The other just didn’t care.

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