63 Comments

1. I mean “initiate it” not “innate it”

   Damn Spell Check.

2. Johnny, I think it was a good thing you and this woman found out it wouldn’t work out before you got married. Again, the “Test Drive” thing comes into play.

   Like SS said, yes, when you have small children, sex is not the first priority, at least for most mothers. But, the way My Man and I looked at it (after I explained it to him LOL!) was, “The babies NEED Mama, Mama only has so much energy. Papa may *want* Mama, too, but he’s an adult and can wait until Mama regains some of her autonomy and her energy. Baby, Mama and Papa will all be better off if we act like adults. (except Baby, who is not an adult, is all ID and only is able to act like a baby.)” OK. That worked for us. I’m not going to say My Man was thrilled at the time, when our sex life dropped off to 2 or 3 times a week when the kids were really small, but it got back on track when the kids got older…..then we had an other one…..then when she got older, it got better again.

   I think he finally realized “The energy, power and dedication she is putting into these children will come back my way 10 fold when the kids are older. I know now she is capable of such deep dedication and hard work to an other person. And because I didn’t bitch and moan, (too much) and have learned to appreciate the work she did to make our children happy babies who then could grow into independent kids. The love and tenderness she gave to them is something I can see, and I know I get that same stuff, but only different and in a lot of ways, better.”

   The way I see it, you can raise your kids when they are YOUNG, do it right, do it ONCE, and then they take over for themselves. OR one can be selfish and NOT raise the kids properly when they are young, let strangers do it, take short cuts, put yourself first etc and then one can spend the REST of one’s life taking care of adults who never learned to Trust, Love and Appreciate others. A mother can do the work when the kids are young (and Papa can help, and not moan about his lack of thrice daily sex) OR they can all pay for her lack of hard work for the rest of their lives, as her children will do as well. The sex will get better and more frequent, as long as the man understands WHY Baby needs her more at the time. (Of course, Mama needs to realize that she will need to step up to the place again in full form when the baby is a little older. There’s no resting on your laurels when you are a mother and wife. It’s hard work EVERY DAY.)

   Our situation has little to do with luck. We worked REALLY HARD to keep this going. We know we love each other more than anything. We both take care of ourselves and each other. I go out of my way to try to still look good, he tries to take care of himself. It’s WORK, but not a chore. There’s a difference, WORK is something you don’t mind doing, because you know the outcome will be good. A chore are……obligation and eventually resentment. We try to keep “chores” out of the bedroom.

   I don’t know how unique we are, but I know we WORK very hard to keep our relationship fresh and alive. I don’t nag, and I rarely say “no” to sex, and often innate it, and he remembers I need things like compliments and flowers and candy….and cuddling afterward.

   Little things like this sound silly, but they show you are THINKING about the person you are living with, sleeping with, raising kids with, cleaning up with, grocery shopping with, fighting with, fucking, loving, screaming at, and working beside to make your lives not just livable, but enjoyable, sensual and as happy as is humanly possible as often as humanly possible.

   That’s all I know about that.

   🙂

3. hello freedom, you are so right I’ve been their and done that, and now he want’s it back LOL with HA HA HA. what goes around comes around,in a ten fold, what did they think that this is ok? you know that the cheater knew he would loose everything. but didn’t care while he was cheating,and good point you didn’t do this and it’s not your fault!!!!! he wants to come back
   so how bad was the marriage in the first place? did he want the divorce or did you file? It sounds like my storie he cheated and I filed and he fighting me not to get the divorce he wants marriage counseling. should of tryed that befor the cheating I told him you need the counseling, I’m good like you worked hard on the marriage raised 2 kids and after 22-23yrs of marriage you cheat.ok kids are over 21!!! YAHOO!!!! getting divorced still look good time to party, freedom you are doing the right thing by taking care of your daughter teaching her that you are a strong women, that cheating is wrong and it hurts the family,you will find a great guy one that will help you teach her what a good marriage is and what to expect from a good guy, good luck god bless you

4. SS,

   It was a few things. Yes, my feelings for her began to chage, but for me that just creates a chicken-egg dilemma. Did my feelings change because my sexual interest waned, or vice versa?

   Also, that “dramatic weight gain” thing I mentioned before kinda happened. That didn’t help. In fact it was a major blow.

   The pervasive paranoia among bachelors is that once you marry a woman she’ll just quit having sex with you. And that certainly does happen. But I’m starting to realize that the Al Bundy problem of male sexual disinterest is equally pervasive. Never thought that would be me.

5. @Johnny, was it the sex that became boring, or your feelings toward her that changed? Because they may be two separate issues. I think sometimes in relationships where the sex is great, other problems/incompatibilities are swept under the rug, to some extent, and you ignore potential problems that might have been more apparent if you were out of bed more! (And by “you,” I mean anyone…) It’s definitely challenging at times being with the same person for ever (married 23 years here), because you know when there’s an issue or problem, you have to deal with it, you can’t just move on (well, I guess you can, but that’s not the idea.) Also,in mentioning starting a family, for a lot of people, sex drops off exponentially after kids, so your fears are completely justified. You know, it may not be out of the question that you might meet someone who, while maybe not a “swinger,” would consider being non-monogamous from time to time… I think you’re just being honest about what a lot of people gloss over and romanticize: Namely, that it is a lot of work to stay married AND turned on!

6. I cheated at the end of my marriage. I felt certain from a young age I would never do this but I found out I am as human as the rest, as susceptible to temptation and not a martyr.

   My husband and I had a very spicy, whirlwind romance but soon after we married we just did not connect. He worked a lot and had bad habits that I later found out came from his youth. He pretty much saw nothing but men putting down their wives.

   We were good partners in many ways, but without the emotional energy from him in our marriage, we had sex maybe once or twice a year. I got used to it and my sex drive completely shut down and I focused on other things, which he encouraged.

   12 years into our marriage I ended up meeting someone. He had a lot of issues himself and I later found out he was a serial cheater and a sex addict. But he was attractive and he pursued me like crazy and it woke up this sleeping beast in me. My better judgment was completely overwhelmed by the attention I was getting. It was like a drug.

   I did not end my marriage because of this. In fact, it caused me to recognize how wrong it was for me to be okay with how our marriage was. It also caused me to focus on my marriage and try to get the sparks back. We really tried, but it was beyond repair and we did divorce.

   The lesson I learned from this is to never accept an emotionally or sexually dead relationship as okay. And, as I can, I try to share that lesson with others so that hopefully they won’t make the same mistake I did. For the record, I think adultery is wrong and I know what I did was wrong and all you can do is move forward and take away a lesson from your mistakes. I am just comforted by the fact that my husband did not find out and have to suffer the pain of realizing what had happened.

7. Mml. L, I hate to say it (cause it sucks for the rest of us), but I think you and your husband belong to a lucky and miniscule minority of people who are still hot for each other after 20 years. I do not think this is the norm. Not by a long shot. I think that many people who were sexually compatible in the beginning drift apart sexually because of boredom, dramatic weight gain, emotional baggage, familiarity, etc.

   I had a kinky, hot and willing ex who I used to screw 3 times a day for the first two years. After that, I lost interest. Sex with her became a tiresome chore, and we broke up not long after. If I had married her in those first two years, we’d be one of those sexually frustrated couples.

   My greatest fear at this point in life is that a limited sexual attention span will sabotage my plans to have a family some day. And let’s face it – there just aren’t enough swinger chicks to go around.

8. Even is most states with No Fault divorce, you can still get a regular divorce (one where there is “fault” but if the adultery could be at all proven, it would not be his “fault” I am sorry to say. (If there is any proof.)

   If you worked for the farm, you should get some of it. Cheating or no cheating.

   People can usually get at least some of what they ask for in a divorce. But some have reasons to prolong the agony.

   I guess I am saying, if he’s (the guy you are screwing) good enough to risk your husband leaving you, and with the adultery on your part, if it could be proven, perhaps getting EVERYTHING if HE chooses a “fault” divorce, which is still legal and takes the first step then he (the Other Man) is good enough to LEAVE you husband for, and start the process BEFORE the husband does so.

   I’d rather be happy and poor than land rich and miserable. How long can your situation go on? Judges don’t care what who “told” whom. They go with what they see as the facts. No amount of “he’s a lying scum bag” or “she’s a nasty woman” is going to have much impact on the divorce settlement, judges are immune to whining. They take what is happening at face value.

   I’d leave. I can’t live in misery. My Man and I have property and “an estate” together that I wouldn’t want to lose, but nothing would force me to live in a loveless, sexless marriage. No amount of property or money is worth that living hell.

   You have to make your own choice, and you DO have a choice. Everyone does.

   Good luck.

9. My husband has been unable to have sex for several years – so if I want sex I cheat. yes – I have done it .

10. I am sorry but she told him she could not have kids. If I were to leave my husband I would lose the farm and home I have work for 24 years even though where I live is a no fault state

11. I have been married to the same man for 22 years and he is a good dad. About a year ago I found the one man that I truly love but at 17 my bio father said he would kill him if I did not stop seeing him so I broke up with him but over the following 3 years he was always there when I needed someone then I took my mom who had try to kill herself after my father left for another woman 1 mile from from the house and 3 years older then me. my father was abuse , that is all I will say on that. I had back and neck surgery and a few of our friends and my oldest daughter started telling me sorry, because I could not get the farm work done and he did not do it we lost our crops for the most part. When I got better I was out and one day heard a name I knew and my heart felt like a teenager again we met for coffee and after a number of months we kissed and the sparks were still there but we did nothing because of both being married. after about 8 months we both had busy that took us to the same town and we met for dinner and ended up in my room, we have been seeing each other at lest once a month now for 3 months. My husband who tells me I am fat is 5’8″ and weights almost 300lbs doesn’t to have sex with me and I have a very healthy sex drive. He has a wife who will put out if he buys her things or does things for him but both my girls are grown he still has a 13 and 16 kids but she told him she could have kids and the oldest daughter he took of a year to spent with her while his wife worked. he does the house work ,they go out to eat almost every night, he takes care of most of the kid needs, and works a very demanding job, he is a department head for a manger business.I deal with a large family farm and I mean I do most of the work as well as I have my own business that I travel for at less once a month and I make my own product for a small side business as well as I have returned to school. I love being with my old boyfriend and I do not want to stop. I am happy again.

12. Zinnie, I am thinking you didn’t find out if you and your ex-husband were sexually compatible BEFORE you got married? This has been one of my points in many posts in the last few months. The “Stay a virgin until your wedding night, because then it will be better, because there is no such thing as sexual compatibility.” Versus, “Make sure you KNOW EVERYTHING about the person you are marrying before you get married. How they feel about sex being among one of the most important of the things to find out.”

    There was a discussion where some feel there is no such thing as Sexual Compatibility and that people can “learn” to sync their sex drives and desires to their “husbands” after the wedding. This rather naive idea, of course, was brought to us by people who are not yet having sex, and therefor have no idea what a sexual relationship entails. It’s always easy to think that one can solve problems that one has never had.

    As you found out, having a long term sexual relationship BEFORE you got married would have taught you this man has issues with sex, and a VERY low sex drive and thus would not be a good partner for someone with a normal sex drive as you obviously have. (Because I don’t care what the “experts” say, people under 90 who only want sex “every 3 or 4 months” are NOT “normal.”)

    The way I see it, MORE marriages could be saved, from having them NEVER occur. If people would “take a test drive” (meaning months or years of sex play so you can see your partner if every situation) before you even THINK about a wedding, and those who are sexually incompatible stay away from the altar, or the judge or where ever they will get married. (Because in most cases, bad sex BEFORE the wedding will not lead to good sex after, (so it’s better to know, so you can avoid relationships which aren’t working BEFORE taking a huge step such as marriage) and isn’t it better to KNOW it’s not going to work than to go through years or decades of incompatibility and frustration? Maybe even after children are born, and having to drag them through the agonies of divorce?)

    Summer, dear, although I agree with you that cheating is a nasty thing to do to one’s partner. I have been with My Man for well over 20 years (and neither of us have ever cheated) and I can tell you, that it is NOT “easy” to simply solve all problems simply by asking “what’s wrong?” If it were that easy NO ONE would have relationship problems.

    In fact, many times, the more serious the problem is, the less likely the person asked is to talk about it. Many problems in marriage stem from long held and often secret issues with the way they were parented in a less than healthy way and how they either accepted their parent’s bullshit or learned, in a healthy way, to reject this stuff. If the partner has not yet rejected unhealthy parenting, then the “talk” is simply not going to happen easily. And, the more serious the problem is, the more likely it is that the roots are deep.

    I was seeing My Man when I was your age, and I can assure you, the things I thought were “serious” (with the exception of one pregnancy scare) were NOTHING compared to much of the things we have faced as adults with children, bills, compatibility issues, family stress, property, career choices, education payments, differing ideas about yard and housework, differing ideas on child rearing, “parenting” one’s aging parents, taxes and income an so on.

    I admire your 2 year relationship and the evident communication you have with him, but you and your man have a LONG way to go, and many problems will crop up in the coming decades (if you stay with him) which will be more difficult to solve than a simple conversation.

    If problem solving in a long term relationship were that easy, (of course, communicating is the key to most of it) but often it is not as easy when the problems are deep and serious. I can assure you, as you mature, the problems in a relationship will only get tougher to solve, where as adults, there are more responsibilities, and a hell of a lot more to lose than when one is 17.

    You may have a good start, keep at it, but, honey, you don’t know more about relationships than people who have been in healthy decades long relationships.

13. Let us divide the world into heartless people and self-righteous ones and feel self-satisfied with these positions. The Cheaters vs. The Judgers. I think, then, we should perform double blind studies to find out whether Cheaters or Judgers have certain sexual tendencies, like who is more dominant in bed? Which group is the kinkiest? Oh, I forgot, it can’t be a double blind study since the world is now divided entirely into two groups. There will be none left for a control group. Sorry. With that in mind, we can still hypothesize about the subject. Emotional conundrums aside, of our two groups, who do you suppose is better in bed?

14. You people are so stupid. Really? Cheating on him or her? Is that really okay? All you think about is yourself. Damn you should really talk to your Significant Other and understand how they feel. Oh, that’s right. Some of you are too selfish or you think talking about feelings are ‘icky’ well grow up. I’m 17 and I know better than you people. God you seriously need some help. I’ve been with the same man for two years and of course we aren’t married because were not old enough but whatever. We talk and and do all that stuff. We understand each other better than people who are married. It’s because people who marry someone think it’s okay to slack off in the relationship. You just stop communicating and start drifting. Just because they won’t have sex with you doesn’t mean it’s okay to cheat. Maybe you should say ‘Hey honey, is there something going on? Are you okay?’ It’s not that hard people. Seriously. Grow up!

15. The Golden Rule… Treat others how you want to be treated! Nuff said.

    P.S. Keep sacred things sacred, because we don’t need anymore little idiot bastards running around on this planet…

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