Life began again last night with the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”— or should we say, “The BacheloretteS”? After all, this season’s big twist was pitting last season’s two favorites — Kaitlyn Potty-Mouth Bristowe and Britt Insincerity’s-My-Middle-Name Nillson — against each other in a Highlander-esque cocktail party where they had to outcharm 25 fairly unimpressive guys in order to score the most roses by night’s end.
We haven’t read any spoilers, so simply going off of last night’s episode intel, here are our theories (read: hopes):
The producers know Bachelor Nation (i.e. middle aged married moms who like to make themselves feel better about their life choices by watching young people make such bad ones*) will not stand for Britt winning, not with her kitten voice, her requisitely long-flowing princess locks, and her beautiful brown eyes, so colored because of the amount of shit she’s full of. And so they’ve stacked the party guests in down-to-earth Kaitlyn’s favor, so that we may all rejoice again once more in a melodramatic tear-fest performed by Britt when she’s quickly and unceremoniously ejected.
Either that, OR . . .
Mr. Drunky McDrunk Ryan was just a plant who was enlisted to destroy the tie-breaking rose — while wearing a wet Speedo — in an over-the-top display of drunken disdain and disrespect for the two women and this “process”, serving two purposes: 1) Produce the requisite blackout scene every viewer of Bachelor/ette cocktail parties has come to know, love and expect. And 2) Force a tie between the two women which will magically spur the producers to decide to let the women parallel-play dating roullette for at least a little while longer (i.e. until the majority of men realize that Kaitlyn is the only viable choice).
OR…
The best-looking and smartest-seeming men could not prevail over the more meatheaded Neanderthals who were hypnotized by Britt’s shiny sparkly-ness and the feelings it stirred under their loincloths, resulting in Kaitlyn’s premature departure tonight. But because of the collective yearnings of Bachelor Nation, the producers will be compelled — indeed, they’ve planned it all along! — to bring Kaitlyn back in dramatic twist that gives the remaining contestants the chance to mutiny, jump Britt’s ship and take their rightful place alongside Kaitlyn.
These are not guaranteed predictions — we can’t see the future (because we refuse to read spoilers). But we can guarantee that if you learn the love lessons imparted on last night’s episode, you’ll fare far better than pretty much all the people who’ve ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor/ette”:
- In the immortal words of host Chris Harrison, delivered with total earnestness and not even a whiff of irony, “Change is hard.” For those of you who need help unpacking that heavy shit: Put your big girl pants on, expect curveballs, and instead of whining about them, embrace them with as much grace as possible (which in Kaitlyn’s case, may not have been much, but at least she tried…really, rilly hard).
- Probably a good idea not to call someone you’re hoping to date, have sex with and/or marry a “bitch” or a “ho”, even behind their back. Respecting other people is one of the first steps toward respecting yourself…Ryan.
- Gimmicks — a “carpool” or a “cupcake car” — are not necessary to make a good first impression. In fact, more often than not, they’ll backfire and make a bad first impression. All you need is a sense of humor, good hygiene, and the wisdom not to get totally blotto on your date.
- Speaking as veteran sex coaches, please don’t take the name of what we do in vain. Calling yourself an “amateur sex coach” as simply a jokey come-on line is an affront, not only to the serious work we do (e.g. watching “The Bachelorette” with a box o’ wine and then writing snarky commentary on it), but it’s an affront to your date as well: Guaranteed she does not want to talk butt plugs right now. We should know: we’re experts.
- Stop touching your hair on your date! Really, please, just leave it alone. It looks fine.
