11 Tried-and-Tested, Situation-Specific Pickup Lines

jukeboxphoto by specialkrb

Okay, so maybe we haven’t actually met someone who’s tried out the Kashi line in the grocery store. And we can’t guarantee that everyone will find kegel jokes as funny as we do. But the jukebox is a slam-dunk. These icebreakers might just make for more natural segues into a fully-fledged pick-up. (You’re welcome.)

  1. At the jukebox: “Do they have any Dolly Parton/Rick Astley/Whitesnake/[insert the artist most ridiculously unseemly for your location]?”
  2. At the laundrette: “Do you have change for a dollar?”
  3. At the buffet table: “May I scoop you some Jell-O?”
  4. At the library: “Shh!” [said with a cheeky grin as he or she walks past]
  5. In a long line: “Can you tell I’m kegling right now?”
  6. At the pool table: “Nice leave!”/”They’re playing doubles, wanna be my partner?”
  7. Walking down the street: “Excuse me, I think you dropped this…”
  8. In the cereal aisle at the supermarket: “You should try Kashi, it changed my life. Seriously.” (With any luck they will discern your subtext: “Fiber turned me onto anal sex! Seriously.”)
  9. At the gym: “Do you know how this machine works?”
  10. At the office water cooler: “Hello, I’m [your name], I don’t believe we have been introduced. How long have you worked here?”
  11. At a political rally: “Wanna get high?”


  1. The hotter she is, th better it will work, because of the incredible BALLS it takes to say that. If she threatens to call the police, hand her your cell phone and DARE her to. And carry a copy of the First Amendment with you to read to her. Wanting to f+++ a beautiful woman is no crime. If it was, beautiful women would all be heartbroken, because they would DIE if they woke up tomorrow morning and men didn’t want to f+++ them anymore. So if they give you any more guff just tell them, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Trust me, they wanna f+++ us too. It’s what makes our species worthy to survive. SO just cut through all the BS and get straight to the point. Why make it so complicated? It’s incredibly simple – “I want you, you want me, let’s do something about it”.

  2. Try this one, if you’ve got the guts: Catch her eye, play eye-ball with her silently for a minute or two, then look her straight in the eye, and silently mouth the words, “I want to f+++ you!”. Then aloud, use one of those wussy pick-up lines above and play innocent. Works like a charm, believe me. Women are hornier than men are.

  3. Emandlo-
    OK, so maybe that came off a little harsher than I intended. I have put it down to shock. I’m glad that you were able to overcome my shortcomings and discern the kernel of my concern, however. Remember, I only heckle because I care. Or because “Real Housewives of Cleveland” is a repeat.

  4. Ouch, Slartibart, such harsh words wrapped in such nice compliments! Point taken — but let it be known that we were giving dating advice when the Pickup Artist was still in grade school. Okay, maybe not that long ago — that makes us sound too old to still be giving dating advice. But we promise there are no PUA antics in our future.

  5. my best friend and I were 17 or so when we came up with this one.

    us- can you price check something?
    guy- sure.
    us- price check yourself baby.

    Wow, we thought we were so cool.

  6. What a strange coincidence! I think I saw many of these on “The Pickup Artist.” Or maybe it was at AskMen.com. Emandlo, you know I’d sell my sister’s internal organs if you needed the money, but if y’all start wearing strange hats or embracing ‘alternative grooming techniques’ I may just have to call the whole thing off. Granted, some are pretty funny. I fully the support the jukebox approach (but, then, I LOVE Paul Anka), and I can see the library admonishment being fun. The Kegel line is great but depends heavily on the tone and timing of the user. However, most of the others strike me as, well, kind of pedestrian. Not bad, per se, but beneath you.

  7. Good point, Leigh! Yeah, we guess that “situation-specific” also means that you should make sure the environment is appropriate for that sort of talk. In fact, perhaps the kegeling line is best saved for the buffet line at an orgy…

  8. most of these are funny, but depending on the circumstances, “can you tell i’m kegeling right now?” could veer from “cheeky” to “sexual harrassy”…just a head’s up, boys! (explicit talk about one’s genitalia, no matter how healthful–and this from a bona fide kegel ninja, promise–is not always welcome)

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