15 Steps to Stop Faking

photo still from MGM’s When Harry Met Salley

As many as ten percent of women have never had an orgasm, and many more than that have never had an orgasm with a partner. And the more women fake, the worse these statistics will get. It’s time to take your orgasms into your own hands—quite literally, if need be. Stop the madness, ladies, and start the ecstasy!

  1. First thing’s first: Stop faking. You have two options. The first is fessing up to the truth. If you haven’t been together with someone for too long, then you could just say you were nervous and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so that’s why you faked. If it’s with a long-term partner, then be sure to have the conversation outside the bedroom, remindng how much it means that you’re being honest, and how hard it is for you to confess. Tell him, “The easy way out would be to keep on faking, but I think you deserve more than that.” His pride will be seriously wounded, so you should also be sure to tell him just how much you enjoyed the sex even though you didn’t climax. Explain that you were having a great time, and you mistakenly thought that the best way to let him know that was to fake. Your second option is not saying anything and employing the tips below so he’ll never know the difference.
  2. Accept that orgasming can be difficult. Let’s be honest here: Women drew the short straw when it comes to achieving orgasm. Men’s orgasms practically grow on trees. The only thing they worry about is climaxing too soon—cry us a river. The struggle to O is a fact of life—or rather, a fact of evolution: Unlike the male orgasm, the female orgasm is not necessary for reproduction. This means that an inability to orgasm during intercourse doesn’t mean you have faulty equipment—in fact, it’s as natural as the snow falling up north in wintertime. And it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
  3. Don’t use an old map to get to a new place: Very few women masturbate by imitating the act of intercourse. And only 25 to 30 percent of women can orgasm during intercourse; if you can’t, then you’re in the majority. So let go of the old in-out model if that isn’t working for you, and open your mind and body to some of the ideas and techniques below.
  4. Learn how to masturbate. You will need: 1. Lube. 2. Privacy. 3. Sultry tunes. 4. Time. 5. Conveniently located bath tap (optional). Take some lube to your fingertips (use a silicone-based lube if you’re in the bath—it won’t wash away like other lubes) and start exploring your clitoris and labia. Try rubbing against something firm yet cushy. If that doesn’t do it for you, experiment with a stream of water or a shower jet (but only externally and never aimed inside you, since that can cause a fatal air embolism). Don’t expect to climax the first time you try—instead, just try to figure out what you like… and what you really like. If you get bored, stop, and try again the next day, and the next, and the next. If you make a habit of it, you’ll get there eventually.
  5. Learn how to masturbate better. Masturbation is also a great opportunity to improve your orgasm and experiment with it. One reader of ours discovered at an early age that bouncing on her bed while lying on her stomach gave her a great feeling; once she became a teenager, she graduated to the floor for stronger stimulation. “Floor humping was the only way I could orgasm up until long after I began having sex (at the age of 19). I thought I would never be able to orgasm with someone else till I could bring myself to orgasm in a more conventional way. So I swore off floor humping, and tried and tried and tried ’til I could reach orgasm with my fingers.” It took her more than a week of nightly efforts to get there, but boy was it worth it. “The first time I achieved that, it was such an explosive experience, I couldn’t believe I had been making do for so many years with floor humping.”
  6. Learn how to masturbate with company. Can you replicate what you learned in your me-time when there’s a near-stranger in your bed? It’s essential! So suggest some mutual masturbation to get things rolling.
  7. Get your mind in the gutter. Getting in the mood is key, whether for alone time or partner sex, since our biggest turn-on is our brain. So reading or seeing something sexy will prime your mind for an orgasm, so you (or he) won’t have to work as hard to get you there. Try kicking off your diddling with some saucy literature, something from the erotic fiction section, or even erotic films. For something softer, try those old beach favorites by authors like Judith Krantz and Danielle Steele (don’t tell us you never earmarked the naughty bits!). For something more classic, try Anais Nin.
  8. Don’t overthink it. Every expert we’ve ever spoken with about female sexual function agrees that you should do your best to ignore your orgasm. Don’t be goal-oriented, just enjoy the sensations as they happen. This takes the pressure off, paving the way for your orgasm. Focus on what you’re feeling in the moment—muscle tension, a change in your breathing, your desire to thrust or writhe—rather than where you’re hoping to wind up.
  9. Just breathe. Lots of women hold their breath when they feel they’re getting close to point O. But then your brain might feel it needs to focus on more important things than orgasming, like not dying. Let your breathing reflect the intense feelings you’re experiencing and you may find all that heavy huffing in turn makes those feelings even more intense.
  10. Do your kegels. Toning your pelvic muscles can increase vaginal lubrication, sensation, and the strength of vaginal contractions. Flex and release the muscles at least ten times per session — it’s the same motion you use to stop yourself from peeing — doing several sessions a day. You might find it easier to work this muscle against something, like a toy custom-made for the pelvic floor muscles like the Juno or Energie.
  11. Hit the treadmill. And we don’t just mean so you can enjoy marathon sex sessions (though that’s a nice bonus): Many women find that when they’re in better shape, their orgasms are stronger and easier to attain. Plus, if you go for an O right after a workout, you’ll have an erotic edge, since the increased blood flow and increased heart rate from a work-out mimic the increased blood flow and heart rate of sex. It’s a head-start on foreplay!
  12. Get on top. When you’re on top, you can sandwich your clitoris between your pelvic bone and his, leading to that all-important clitoral stimulation. The exact angle will depend on how your bodies fit together. Try having your fellow arch his back a little to help facilitate more grinding together, as opposed to in/out or up/down.”
  13. Control from the bottom. You don’t have to be on top to control the angle of penetration. If you’re on the bottom, arch your back to direct his penis to the right spots and/or grab his hips and move him back and forth with you. All that friction may pull on your vuvla, indirectly stimulating the clitoris. Grinding against each other can also up the intimacy level, which might help push you over the edge.
  14. Lend a helping hand. Most sex positions, however, leave the clitoris wide open. So get your hands into the mix during intercourse! As with masturbation, a drop of lube will prevent your clitoris from getting over-sensitive. Or, if you’re lying face down, find something else to grind against: a pillow, the corner of the couch, his thigh, the base of his penis, his wrist bone… But don’t assume that there’s only one place (the clit) that a helping hand can help. A finger inserted while doing it can get you extra stimulation at the opening of the vagina (its most sensitive part) and, if your lucky, the G-spot or the PS-spot, too.
  15. Accessorize. Try replacing that helping hand with a battery-operated toy. Sometimes all that handwork can be a little distracting—especially if you taught yourself to come with a vibrator, or if you’ve both got short arms. It’s not cheating, ladies—in fact, if that’s the only way you can get off, then it would be cheating yourself not to turn to a buzzy friend. Using a vibe lets you focus on what you’re feeling, rather than what you’re doing. You just need a wee little thing (rather than an intimidating phallic competitor) that will buzz against your clitoris and labia. Try a finger vibrator, like the Trojan finger massager—it looks like one of those rubber thingies you put on your thumb to turn paper. Pop it on your finger to give yourself a more textured rub-down. Or use a love ring on him that stimulates your clitoris, like the this one.

This article also appeared in EdenFantasys’ Sexis

One Comment

  1. Some of the advice is good, ladies, but really, the Trojan Finger Vibrator? Way to turn women off of sex toys for life. Those are LOW quality. All women deserve good quality sex toys.

    And why is a phallic vibe a “competitor?” A good male or female partner should feel comfortable with whatever you need to get off. Phallic vibrators and wand vibrators are some of the most effective, so please don’t scare women or men away from them.

    Sex is an adult sport. Adult partners can deal with a vibe in the bed, whether it looks like a mix master, a large microphone or an exact replica of a well known porn star.

    Quality in toys is the key. And, those Trojan toys are….awful. They’ll turn women off of toys AND make them think they are completely incapable of orgasm!

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