10 Tips for Finding Love on the 4th of July

Like New Year’s, the Fourth is one of those holidays where the hype always exceeds the reality. But that doesn’t mean you single folk should take it off this year, sit home and binge Killing Eve in your underwear. Independence is overrated! No, you’ve got to put on a happy face,  suck it up and work the BBQ like the rest of us this 4th of July. And if you follow our rules below, there could very well be some romantic and/or sexual pay off! If you don’t, then enjoy Killing Eve by your sad, lonesome self.

  1. Don’t just talk about how nice a tofu dog in the park would be right now; go and get one.
  2. Shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.
  3. Open your eyes, not just to giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of stars and flags, but to the potential for love in unlikely places and people.
  4. You can make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you without making a full commitment.
  5. Be like the Continental Congress: be responsive to the needs of your potential constituent, listen to their frustrations, support their desires and fight for their honor. That course of action may lead to a long, fruitful, 200+ year relationship.
  6. If partners are like fireworks displays, then don’t rush to declare one as the best and brightest. Take your time and be observant. One will rise above the rest and prove that they’re worthy of your most heartfelt “ooohs” and “aaaahs.”
  7. That said, don’t save your sparkler for exactly the perfect moment. Light it already and just enjoy it’s hypnotic glow.
  8. When your options for love on the boardwalk come down to the the crisp summer salad with organic veggies or the plate of fried dough with powdered sugar, go for the salad. Always go for the salad.
  9. Don’t be pushy, aggressive or the least bit overbearing — you know, like the British were with their tea tax. A little space, less possessiveness and more trust will be what is required if you want to create your own fireworks.
  10. If you’re not absolutely sure the water is fine, then don’t go swimming. If you DO dive in, wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some third-degree burns on your genitals.

BONUS TIP: Don’t wear flag apparel. Just don’t.


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