5 Types to Avoid in Bed

dont_walkphoto by kennymatic

  1. The Fucksimile: Someone you sleep with simply because they remind you of (or are as close as you’ll ever get to) someone you really want to sleep with. Little lambs, this will only lead to heartbreak.
  2. The Donna: Someone who acts as if a roll in the hay with them were season-finale material, a la Donna from 90210. This is primarily, though not exclusively, a female affliction. A Donna will dangle sex like a carrot, and then expect to be awarded generously once they let you nibble on that carrot, as it were. A Donna, left unchecked, may blossom into a gold-digger.
  3. The Retrosexual: A person who has sex like they are living in the ’50s. Unlike funky old martini-maker sets and Elvis (the young version), retrosexuals are not cool. They make at least one of the following assumptions: Men always pay for the date; sex before marriage is a sin,(unless you’re a man); women don’t enjoy sex (or don’t need to); a clitoral orgasm is a poor man’s vaginal orgasm (a la Freud); homosexuality is a disease; foreplay lasts approximately 10.5 seconds; and women’s sexual responsibilities include cooking, cleaning, and foot massaging.
  4. The Bartender: Have you ever heard of “bartender boost”? This is the illusion that anyone standing behind a bar and serving alcohol is taller, hotter, smarter, and funnier than they would be if they were serving you a latte. Which means that once they’ve left the bar for your bedroom, you will be severely disappointed. Better to befriend your local bartender as a wingman/woman instead.
  5. The Blogger: Okay, okay, before you start throwing rotten fruit, we don’t mean all bloggers. We just mean those who publish self-indulgent diaries as a sort of poor man’s insta-therapy, replete with poor spelling, gratuitous sexual minutiae, rants about exes, gushing over a new crush, “photos of me,” more sexual minutiae, a blow-by-blow of last night’s date, “a photo of my new tattoo,” and even more sexual minutiae. Unless you actually like the idea of your sexual technique (not to mention that mole on your left butt cheek) being made public to the masses.

For more hook-up terminology than you can shake a stick at, check out our book Rec Sex: An A-Z Guide to Hooking Up.


  1. I love number the 3 the Retrosexual. I hate women like that it’s so terrible and makes me want to punch them in the face. I also know at least a few of them, they never talk about sex, if they do it’s about not having sex before marriage because it’s wrong and they aslo go to church and think that homosexuals are evil and part of Satan’s army.

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