All posts by Em & Lo

Paula Abdul Was Right: Opposites Really Do Attract

money_shirtphoto by Rob Lee

If you’re wondering why so many couples fight about money, here’s your answer: Surveys of married adults consistently show that opposites attract when it comes to the type of spender you are. Stingy tightwads who just can’t bring themselves to reach for the wallet, even when they know they should, tend to shack up with reckless spendthrifts who just can’t help overspending, even when they know they shouldn’t. Researchers say this is because we’re attracted to people who don’t possess the characteristics we hate in ourselves. Unfortunately, however, even if you hate the fact that you’re a tightwad, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy when your mate splurges on a new big-screen TV. And vice versa — the spendthrift may hate their foolhardy ways, but that doesn’t mean they’ll enjoy being tamed (nor does it mean they’ll be happy watching movies on a TV the size of a postage stamp).

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Top 10 Striptease Tips

The traditional striptease is not for everyone: some consider it the ultimate display of female sexual power, reducing male viewers to quivering bowls of jelly, while others find it embarrassing or even demeaning. One thing’s for sure: many a man truly enjoys the visual, so an erotic dance can be a generous gift. This is not to suggest that the ladies don’t like to look too. Or that a striptease can’t be a joint effort or a male endeavor — we think it should be, and often. Therefore a woman should feel free to tell her fella, “You first” or “Now your turn!” But for the sake of simplicity, the following tips are written assuming the lady in the relationship wants to be the first to perform. By the way, don’t think you need the body of a model or stripper to dance suggestively for your partner. He’ll be focused on the show, not on your so-called imperfections.  You go-go girl!  (Just please don’t install a pole in your bedroom.)

  1. Rent 9 1/2 Weeks to learn from Kim Basinger’s striptease: the outfit, the moves, the music, the shy-cheeky-sexy attitude (just ignore the disturbing plot line).
  2. Dance to a song that you’ll both enjoy — you should feel sexy moving to it, but he shouldn’t be thinking, “I can’t believe she’s still into boy bands.”
  3. Wear a shirt with buttons: it automatically creates 10 extra moves! Play peek-a-boob with each side. Once it’s undone, turn your back on him and shimmy it off your shoulders before dropping it to the floor. Oh, and don’t wear tight pants or jeans. Because if you can look sexy while you take those off, then you can quit your day job. Instead, wear a pencil skirt that you can push down (while bending forward with your back or side to him) and then step out of. Throw clothes in his direction as you remove them.
  4. Practice removing your stockings ahead of time. For extra balance (and teasing), place your toes between his legs or on the arm of his chair while you push the stockings down.
  5. If you’ve got long hair, put it in a loose updo that you can pull out during your finale.
  6. Do it in heels and don’t take them off (except to remove stockings – and you could even put the heels back on once the stockings are off).
  7. Don’t forget the tease part of “striptease”: slow down! Fancy moves are less important than simply taking your time with each layer. So pull your skirt up or your underwear down a few inches before removing, push your bra straps off your shoulders before turning away to unclasp, and don’t get completely naked until the very end — and even then, tease him with a back view until he can’t take it anymore.
  8. Remember that a strip is in the hips: keep them moving. Some other good moves: Turn sideways and arch your back a little with hands on hips and elbows pressed back. Also, lean forward toward him, feet together, hands on knees, arms straight: he’ll enjoy the perspective. And put your arms up in the air and cross your wrists while you move your hips side to side, or trace a body part – thighs, stomach, opposite arm, hips, breasts – with your fingers. Then walk towards him (one foot all the way in front of the other, like you’re on a catwalk) and loop his tie or a piece of your clothing around his neck to pull him closer to your face or cleavage.
  9. Use your surroundings: The wall — lean your back against it and writhe, or slide down into a squat and up again (so long as you’re sure your thighs are strong enough to get you back up effortlessly). The door jam — span the gap with your arms and legs and move your hips. And a chair — straddle it backwards or sit in it sideways to remove each thigh-high stocking with pointed foot in the air.
  10. Maintain eye contact at all times. If your back is turned, glance over your shoulder. If you need a break, look down coyly then back up at him, like, “Who me? Strip?”

Okay, now it’s his turn. So tell us, how should a guy strip for his partner? Share your tips in the comments below.

Let's Play a Game: Sexy, Sick or Stupid?

hello_kitty

from Babeland’s Hello Kitty Vibrator Contest

Here’s a round-up of some new sex-related swag available. We’ll let you decide which category each falls into:

  • Babelandand Goodvibes are now carrying the old Hello Kitty “neck massager.” (Babeland’s also holding an adorable — or adorably twisted — Hello Kitty Vibe Photo Contest through September of this year.) 2012 Update: Neither of these places currently stock the toy, sorry!
  • One of American Apparel’s coming-soon items: ass-less tights. One question: Why?

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Eat Your Heart Out, Naked Cowboy

If you’ve ever streaked across your college campus, participated in a Spencer Tunick shoot, or had one of those dreams where you’re pantless in front of an auditorium of people, then you’ll probably get an extra kick out of Matt and Kim‘s new video for the song “Lessons Learned” from their sophomore effort, Grand. It features this Brooklyn-based indie-pop duo/couple stripping down to their birthday suits among the throngs in Times Square, complete with unchoreographed police intervention. (Read this Pitchfork interview for some behind-the-scenes details.) If you can get past the fact that they’re pretty much forcing the sight of their raw naughty bits on unsuspecting passersby (including one wide-eyed child) — which, like excessive PDA, seems a little discourteous — the image of these two non-model human beings completely au naturale against a background of bundled-up tourists (they shot it in winter!) and glitzy billboards is really quite beautiful. Watching it reminds you that we’re all flawed and vulnerable creatures who were once innocent and full of hope. Spoiler Alert: And then the director goes and ruins it all (at least for us) by having Kim get ridiculously, comedically hit by a bus in the last few frames. Is that what you get for indecent exposure? Phooey.

This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s Naked Love Blog
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Wise Guys: How Much Younger Than Him Can a Man Date?

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “How much younger than them do you think most guys are comfortable dating before it becomes embarrassing? Or is there no limit as long as the youngster in question is legal and not a complete airhead?”

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Yes, there is an age too young for anyone to date. But I think it happens only after you hit 35. Any dating combo of two people both under 35 (provided both are over 21…yes, 21, not 18) is probably not a big deal. No one really considers themselves that old before hitting 35.

After 35, all bets are off. If you’re over 35 and you date someone more than 10 years your junior, you will — and rightly so — be mocked (and silently envied) by your friends and enemies for such dating hubris. It will put you squarely in the “oh please” zone. And this goes for both men and women: Dating much younger than yourself connotes a power dynamic that is creepy yet totally gender non-specific. Both sexes look entirely ridiculous parading their toy around, be it male or female. But if you’re over 35, you can date anyone — of any age disparity — who is also over 35. A 65- year-old and 37-year-old? Sure, why not.

This might seem arbitrary but age designations exist for a reason. The good people of corporate America have decided that once we’re older than 35, we are no longer a desirable marketing demographic. That’s real science, people. After 35, big age differences are obviously apparent, but both parties have fully exited the nubile stage so no one really cares. You are no longer hip, cool, or capable of dating someone who had an “American Idol”-themed Bar Mitzvah. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it. Hell, if someone of the Gen Next persuasion wants to tap your old bones, consider yourself lucky. Besides, anyone who mocks you, well, your old ears won’t be able to hear them anyway so who cares.

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Your Call: When Should He Leave His Wife for Me?

divorce0001postcard via PostSecret

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

I am currently seeing someone from my high school years of more than 25 years ago. He is currently married, I am divorced, and I happened to call him about a problem with my mom’s car. We live in different states so when he heard my voice on the phone, he immediately said how much he loved me in high school but never told me so. After we resolved the car issue for my mom, he asked if he could call me sometime.  Well, we have not stopped talking.  Since I started talking to him 5 months ago, he has sent for me to meet him in Mississippi 2 times and we are now both in love. He said he and his wife have been having problems for more that 20 years but have not resolved the marriage and neither wants to save the marriage because they do not have what it takes to stay together.  He says he never wants to let me go. How should I go about the time frame to give him to make the move to file for a divorce?

— The Other Woman
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Dream Interpretation: I Broke Up with My Fiance's Ghost

hospital_gownphoto by waffler

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means (after the jump). This week, a woman asks Lauri:

My fiancé died of a health issue in December ’07. He had been sick for almost 3 years. I took GREAT care of him and I would have for the rest of my life. But I recently have found someone new and he is truly the love of my life! I had this dream that my ex was back alive and we were in the hospital together because he was still sick…but I had to tell him that he was going to die and that I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore…What  does all this mean?

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Books: Beowulf on the Beach (Part 1 of 2)

Our friend Jack Murnighan’s new book, Beowulf on the Beach: What to Love and What to Skip in Literature’s 50 Greatest Hits, is guaranteed to inspire you to pick up at least one classic this summer. And not because you “should” or because it’ll make you a better person or a more interesting date (though all these things are true), but because they’re actually, you know, good. As in, funny, sexy, engrossing beach reads. beowulf_beachBack when we were all colleagues at Nerve.com, Jack penned a weekly column called Jack’s Naughty Bits, in which he mined both modern and classic books for the sex — and yet still managed to make you feel high-brow just for reading it. We chatted with him about his latest below. Stay tuned for Part 2, an excerpt from Beowulf on the Beach on the most sexed-up parts of the Bible.

In Beowulf on the Beach, there’s a “What’s Sexy” section for each of the fifty books. Which title was the biggest challenge to find something sexy?

Well, in general, Dickens and Jane Austen tend to ignore their characters’ between-the-legs lives.

And which “What’s Sexy” do you think readers will find most surprising?

I’d guess Milton’s Paradise Lost, since he’s got two full-on sex scenes, a speech advocating (marital) whoopee, and a description of boot-knocking in Heaven. Not bad for one of England’s most pious poets.

What’s your favorite sex scene in classic literature?

It’s kind of obvious, but the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for his love is better than wine.” Oh my.

What do you think is the most overrated sex scene in classic literature?

Maybe parts of the same Song, like when the lover says that if he “puts his hands by the hole of the door” her “bowels will move for him.”

What’s a surprisingly romantic novel in the classics?

Well, one novel that’s technically called a romance, in the Harlequin sense, actually won the Nobel Prize: Sigrid Undset’s Kristin Lavransdatter. And it has a lot of the coerced sex and eventual yielding that marks that genre.

You rave about One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and actually spent two years after college reading nothing but that and Autumn of the Patriarch, also by Marquez. So tell us about Gabo sex…

Well, in 100 Years, among many other scenes, there’s an incredible passage of losing one’s virginity — one of my favorite of all time — and in Autumn of the Patriarch, there’s lots too, including one where the protagonist “marinates” asparagus spears before eating them — excellent!

What’s your favorite romantic line in all of the classics?

From Dante’s Purgatorio: “I am one who, when love breathes inside me, takes note, and in the mode in which it is expressed within, I seek to express it without.” It’s much more beautiful in Italian.

What’s your favorite sex-related line in all of the classics?

Probably the hysterical speech about drunk dick by the porter in Macbeth. I shit you not; it’s really there.

Of these 50 greatest hits, which is the dirtiest?

Joyce’s Ulysses and Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow tie. The former has most every sexual deviancy alluded to, while the latter has an extended orgy and SM scat scene. Both can make you more than a little squeamish (where are the censors???).

And which is the most romantic?

Probably  Dickens’ Bleak House, where the couple the Bagnets love each other in a way we’d all want to end our days with. They’re incredibly inspiring.

Beowulf on the Beach is now on sale everywhere. You can also follow Jack via hisblog or on Twitter.

Off for Memorial Day

You can expect our usual Monday posts (horoscopes, dream interpretation, etc) tomorrow. Peace.

Blog Snog (05-22-09)

twilight_first_datephoto via dutchtl

A weekly roundup of some of our favorite sex- and love-related posts from various blogs and websites:

News from the Lab: Three Cheers for Elastomer!

chemistry_setphoto by Alejandro Hernandez

In case you hadn’t noticed, we tend to rant and rave a lot about what you shouldn’t put in your body. And we’re not just talking about taking unwrapped candy from strangers. No, we’re talking about sex toys, too. As consumers, we’re responsible for educating ourselves about what we stick where the sun don’t shine — ’cause the manufacturers just trying to make a buck sure aren’t going to inform us. When we rant and rave, we lavish particular scorn on phthalates, which are an ingredient in jelly rubber, unstable vinyl (a.k.a. PVC), and other soft plastics — and, by the way, potentially carcinogenic. Okay, fine: you get it. The world is full of toxic sex toys and sitting on a dildo just isn’t the fun, harmless, innocent activity people used to think it was. So what should you put in your body?

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What If the Wrong Name Is Said in Bed?

hand_mouthphoto by demi-brooke

If you happen to be thinking of one person while you are doing another, keep your verbiage to a minimum, in case you mistakenly call out the wrong name. If you inadvertently speak before you think, remain calm, carry on, pretend you didn’t even realize you spoke the misnomer, and pray to the gods above that your partner didn’t hear it.

If the gods are frowning upon you and your partner did hear a third missing party’s name, play “dumb,” but only if you can deliver a convincing performance. Either way, you must ultimately bend to your partner’s will with the utmost humility, explain it was simply a matter of misfiring synapses and a slip of the tongue, all the while figuratively (or literally, if they like) bestowing kisses to their posterior.

Should you be the recipient of such a dagger to the ear, it’s totally fine to be outraged and hurt. It’s also completely acceptable to put a halt to the rutting immediately. However, keep some perspective on the matter. It’s not like your partner actually cheated on you with this third party — though it is much more disturbing than if your lover had merely shared a platonic cup of coffee with said party. Behave accordingly.

For more on sexual etiquette, see our Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen.

One of the Best Foreplay Tools Ever

tingler2The turn-of-the-century enthusiasm over the Tingler may have faded, but don’t forget this ridiculous-looking repurposed kitchen whisker for pre-sex relaxation and nerve-stimulation. In fact, experiencing the Tingler is the closest you can get to sheer ecstasy without taking MDMH or having an orgasm. This cheap metal scalp-massaging tool is so simple — but then most ingenious ideas are: It gently touches acupressure points to send shivers throughout your entire body. And that’s not just regurgitated marketing copy — that’s for reals.