Why Won’t Her Older Boyfriend Have Sex with Her?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Well, I absolutely LOVE older men. I have never been with a guy who wasn’t older then me. Mostly because I learn so much from them. Now the biggest age gap relationship I ever had, was 45 years. Which was one of my most successful and happiest relationships. Anyway, right now I’m in one with a guy who is 43 years older. And we’ve been dating close to a month, I have learned sooooo much from this one, but lately, he won’t “touch” me. He blames it on us being too busy/tired, with my career as well as his (he’s legally retired, but hasn’t stopped running the business and won’t) keeping us tied up… I do admit busy/tired is a true statement, but am I being to harsh, by wanting him to make it happen anyway? Or what’s truly going on?

— Miss May

What’s up (or not up) with Mr. December?
Let Miss May know in the comments below!


  1. Sex drive is definitely complicated, because of when we all hit our prime in life. Maybe this guy has ED and is embarrassed, as bklynbug said. I definitely think you should talk to him about it and that should help… even if he’s having trouble, that shouldn’t effect foreplay. Talk to him! Hopefully it’ll get better

  2. I’m right there with you, Miss May. My most significant relationships have been with much older men (esp my late husband, who was 30 yrs my senior); but patience dear. It’s only been a month. And, what does ‘he won’t “touch” me’ mean? He’s not up to fucking? Or, he’s not up to cuddling. Or some other less sexual, but equally intimate, form of interaction. ED can hit men as early as their 40s (and, trust me, should have no impact on an amazing sexual life), and any man can feel embarrassed by lack of ‘firm intent’. As I’ve said before (in other opinions), communication is the key. TALK to sexy silver, let him know how you feel. Talk about each (one of you) of your wants, desires and expectations. And, please, DO bring toys into your bed. It takes off the pressure to perform, and it’s fun as all fuck (yes, pun intended). I heartily recommend the octopussy (my bf has remarked that I proposed marriage to it), or some other wonderful pyrex toy, or vibe. (Said bf has introduced me to some wonderful anal vibes). At the end of the day, verbal is just as important as oral. Give it a chance.

  3. Issues with sex drive and erectile disfunction are two different things. He is older, and his sex drive will be different than that of a 20 year old man. It does not mean that it is non-existent. Given that he is still active, it is most likely the pressures of life interfering with his sex drive. Assuming that you are of legal age, and there is a 43 year difference, you should not be surprised that a man in his 60s (or older) is not able to engage as often as you would like. If this is a relationship you want to continue, consider setting aside a time for the two of you to slow down, relax, and enjoy each other’s physical company without the pressures of work. Your other option would be looking for someone presumable younger and more sexually compatible.

  4. If you’re 18, that would make this guy 61. If you’re 25, he’s 68.

    That’s not “older,” that’s just plain old. This guy is either on the cusp of needing viagra, or past that point. His sexual peak is like 30-40 years behind him. You have chosen a guy who has already had 95% of the sex he will ever have.

    I’m sure he’s a fine fellow, but you don’t sound satisfied with a senior citizen’s sex drive.

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