All posts by Em & Lo

What to Do When You Say “I Love You” Too Soon
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Hi Em & Lo,

I just started dating this guy and recently we were making out, it was going well, he started to go down on me. I wanted to tell him “I love it when you go down on me” but it came out as ” I love you..when you do that.” He paused for a second and just continued. I felt like such a dork!  The thing is, I know I don’t love this guy. We’re a new thing and I like him, but not that way. What do you when you get yourself tangled up in situations like this?

— Mortified

Dear Morty,

You dig a hole in the sand and bury your head in it for a few weeks until the humiliation wears off. At least, that’s what you wish you could do when you get yourself tangled up in a situation like this. Here are four real-world options for people in these circumstances (though, sadly, since the moment has no passed, they won’t all apply to you):

  1. In the moment: You could laugh it off right then and there. Joke that you swear that wasn’t a Freudian slip, just an innocent slip of the tongue. “Oh my god, total slip of the tongue! Nothing to worry about, carry on, carry on.” Pros: You allay any of his fears right then and there, so they don’t snowball into bad sex or a premature breakup. Cons: You interrupt the sexual moment, which might throw some people (or their penises) for a loop, and risk protesting too much, turning an already awkward situation into a painful one (painful like the answering machine scene in Swingers).
  2. Immediately after the sex: As you’re both lying there, catching your breath, or putting your clothes back on, you lightheartedly say, “Remember what I said when you were going down on me? Yeah, that was just a genuine slip of the tongue — I meant to say ‘I love it when you go down on me’ — so you don’t have to worry about me wanting you to meet my parents or move in anytime soon.” Pros: It doesn’t interrupt the sex, and you nip any concerns in the bud pretty quickly. Cons: Again, you run the risk of sounding defensive, as well as insincere, like you got caught up in the moment and spoke your heart’s true feelings but now that the emotion and hormones of sex aren’t as intense, your brain is trying to rewrite history.
  3. Several dates later: You randomly bring it up when you’re in a non-sexual situation, laughing about how funny and awkward that slip of the tongue was: “Oh man, do you remember on one of our first dates, when I was trying to say ‘I love it when you do that’ and it came out ‘I love you when you do that’? Yeah, that was pretty funny. So glad you didn’t take that to heart.” Pros: Getting some distance from the event allows you to reminisce about it as if you both realized in the moment that it was an awkward slip of the tongue. In this case, you almost can rewrite history. Cons: He may have forgotten it by now, so reminding him just makes things awkward all over again. Or maybe what you said really warmed him up to you and now you’re almost insulting him by telling him you don’t love him and suggesting you never will.
  4. Now to eternity: Just don’t bring it up ever. Let him think that he misheard you and let sleeping dogs lie. And from now on, choose your words more wisely. Pros: You don’t really have to do anything. Cons: He may continue to think that you’re in love with him.

Any of these options could work, so long as they’re employed with a good sense of humor and an air of lightheartedness. Act like it’s not that big of a deal, and it won’t be.

We’re the best…Uh, we mean, we wish you the best,
Em & Lo

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Word of the Week: Cinemadultery
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photo via flickr

These days, most of us watch TV on our own schedule, rather than sitting down in front of the box when the networks tell us to. In fact, plenty of people never even sit in front of a television set to watch their favorite shows! And plenty of us wait until an entire season (or more) of a show is available on Netflix or iTunes before choosing to watch it. But this new world order has ushered in the problem of cinemadultery.

You may not have heard of the term, but unless you’ve been single since the advent of Netflix et al, we’re fairly sure you’ve suffered the syndrome: It’s when your significant other watches an episode of a television without you — a show that you were supposedly watching together. For example, one of you is working late, or is out on a ladies’ or guys’ night, and the other one, home alone, sneaks in an extra episode of “The Good Wife.”Low blow, right?

And because we live in such a high tech world, it’s not always even possible to lie about this cinemadultery. Em once discovered her guy’s cinemadultery when she logged into their Netflix account and saw the cursor shifted down three episodes in the “House of Cards” section. (“House of Cards” is particularly vulnerable to cinemadultery, as an entire season is released at once.) He responded that “it meant nothing” and “it’s not you, it’s me” (he was bored) and, finally, “I didn’t know you cared!”

In the interest of protecting your relationship from cinemadultery, we suggest communicating clearly about the shows you watch together. Perhaps some shows are reserved for couple viewing time only (especially those with steamy sex scenes and hair-raising plot twists), while others can be consumed on an individual basis (foreign shows with sub-titles, for example).

Unless, of course, you feel like cinemadultery serves a purpose in your relationship. Perhaps it’s an outlet for partner-related frustration. And perhaps it’s a substitute for actual cheating — the kind that involves stealth late-night texting and handjobs in semi-public places.

In which case, let your asshole flag fly! Go ahead and watch that entire season of “Game of Thrones” on your own. Make a bag of popcorn and eat the entire bag yourself. And when your partner comes home and finds you passed out on the couch, remote in hand and your face smeared with butter? Don’t even think of apologizing.

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The 15 Best Sexiest Movies on Netflix Right Now
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We’ve scanned Netflix for the best sex-related movies so you don’t have to. Are they all “sexy,” in the traditional sense of the word? No. In fact, you might consider some the opposite of sexy. But most of them deal with issues related to mating and relating with ingenuity, style and/or intelligence. We’ve ranked them in order of Rotten Tomatoes freshness ratings from lowest to highest: all are “fresh” (the majority of critics — over 60% — gave the film positive reviews) and half are “certified fresh” (75% or higher, with 40 reviews counted and at least 5 reviews from top critics).

15. Bitter Moon (63%)

If you can get past the fact that it’s directed by statutory rapist Roman Polanski, Bitter Moon is a wonderfully campy dark-comedy about erotic obsession gone really, really wrong. Like oinking-in-a-pig-mask wrong.

14. Sex and Lucia (71%)

This is sexy — there is a lot of “strong sexual content” — but it is also super sad. Tragedy plus eroticism does NOT equal comedy.

13. Young and Beautiful (73%)

Sounds like a terrible soap opera, but this French film by the director of Swimming Pooland 8 Women centers on a teenager with a secret life as a blasé sex worker. (Actually, maybe it could be a soap opera…) Let’s just hope mom doesn’t find out!

12. The Piano Teacher (73%)

Basically, this is the opposite of the BDSM relationship in “Fifty Shades of Grey”: older woman, younger man; zero romance (and we mean it, unlike Christian Grey); and a seriously unhealthy approach to masochism. Makes “Fifty” look like a feel-good romantic comedy.

11. Nymphomaniac (Vol I 75%; Vol II 60%)

We’re almost morally opposed to including anything by Lars Von Trier on this list, just because his films are so painful to watch. But come on, this is an epic two-parter (over 4 hours long) about a sex addict. Do we have a choice?

10. Frida (76%)

This biopic of the Mexican surrealist painter Frida Kahlo chronicles her complicated marriage to muralist Diego Rivera, which involved lots of lovers on both sides (including one shared mistress), as well as Kahlo’s affair with the Marxist revolutionary, Leon Trotsky.

9. Fatal Attraction (78%)

The classic that spawned the term “bunny boiler” wasn’t just a cautionary tale (be careful what you wish for, don’t take for granted all you have…) — it could also be seen as a feminist treatise on the dangers of ignoring women and their feelings.

8. I Am Love (80%)

Italian vistas + food porn + an affair + Tilda Swinton = intense, dramatic sensuality.

7. Don Jon (81%)

Funny and stylish take on the the deleterious effects the modern meathead’s porn habits have on his romantic relationships.

6. Submarine (86%)

Adorable, stylish and touching coming-of-age British film about a 15-year-old trying to save his parents’ marriage and lose his virginity.

5. The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (90%)

Peter Greenaway, famous for combining beauty and horror in his art house works, carried on the tradition in this shocking film from 1989 which featured Hellen Mirren’s always-stellar acting, Jean-Paul Gaultier’s over-the-top costumes, and Michael Nyman’s creepy music. You won’t be hungry for a while after this one.

4. Like Water for Chocolate (90%)

Based on the best-selling book of the same name, the film tells the tale of star-crossed Mexican lovers with lots of foodie sensuality and magical realism. According to RT, it’s one of the highest grossing foreign films of all time. You will be hungry after this one.

3. Blue Is the Warmest Color (91%)

A French teenager explores her Sapphic sexuality with a blue-haired art student. Rated NC-17 for explicit scenes. Strap in, ’cause it’s over three hours long.

2. Y Tu Mama También (92%)

A coming of age story about two Mexican teenage buddies on a road trip with a 28-year-old married woman. It’s got all the fantasies: older woman, younger men, casual sex, threeways, homoerotic experimentation… Directed by Alfonso Cuarón, who would later make Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004),  Children of Men (2006) and Gravity (2013), for which he won an Academy Award.

1. Gloria (99%)

It doesn’t get much better than 99 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. This Chilean film follows a divorced, middle-aged woman looking for love in singles’ dance clubs. She finds it…but it ain’t perfect.


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Is Sex with a Condom Really All That Bad for Guys?
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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Okay, so how different is intercourse with a condom? What does it feel like? Do different kinds of condoms make a difference?

Straight Married Guy (Fred): It’s different.  It’s not as good.  Think pancakes without the syrup.  Scratching an itch with the palm of your hand.  A foot massage while wearing slippers.  “American Idol” without Adam Lambert.  It’s still okay, just not great.  It can be frustrating for guys because everything else about the experience is vivid but where it really counts it is dull.  And we know what it feels like au natural.  Different types of condoms definitely make a difference.  Anything that says super-thin, ultra-thin, sensitive, etc., are usually waaaay better than your regular, cheap, vending-machine rubbers.  Sometimes you have to use them.  If you’re dating, it’s obviously a must.  Ladies, if you’re buying, do him the favor of getting the thin, high quality ones.  And remember, the more excited he is, the less he’ll be distracted by the lack of feeling, so getting a little naughtier than usual can really help.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I’m an exclusive bottom, so I had to e-mail hundreds of — er, a few past sexual partners to ask them.  The general consensus was that it’s different but not by a whole lot.  With a condom you have less sensation (“33% less,” said one when I asked) but you last longer (I didn’t ask, but the obsessive-compulsive in me has decided that it’s 33% longer), so it’s kind of a trade-off.  Thin condoms are better, apparently, and polyurethane condoms are by far the best (though they’re more expensive).  All the men surveyed said that condoms felt better when they were having sex with me than with other partners.

(more…)

A Better Vocabulary for Bisexuality
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Reader David wrote the following in response to our post, “Confession: The Problem with Bisexuality”:

I prefer ‘birelational’ over ‘bisexual’. It is not just about sex. ‘Biromantic’ fits as well. Of course there is always the ‘pansexual’ or ‘panrelational’ or ‘panromantic’ terminology. I don’t think the whole homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual thing is much good for identity. Too confining and objectifying and reductive for people to discuss in such ways.

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Your Call: How Do You Know If It’s Settling or Being Smart
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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Dear Em & Lo,

How do you know the difference between being discerning and being too picky? I hate the Princeton Mom but I’ve read smarter articles about not waiting too long to settle down, especially if you want a family. To go with the person who’s just good enough, rather than perfect (since no one’s perfect). But my last few relationships haven’t been with people I can see making it long term with. They had many pros but a few cons that just felt like deal breakers to me. I can compromise, but I don’t want to betray myself or my values. Still, I’m in my late thirties and am starting to get worried. At what point do you just settle and hope for the best?

Fence Sitter

What should F.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Making a Bad Show Worse: Turning “The Bachelorette” Into “Highlander”
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photo via ABC

Well, we’ve made it through another season of The Bachelor. The editors cut the footage with a heavy hand to make us think Chris would ultimately think with his dick and pick the distant, unamused, hot virgin, Becca, instead of the much more sensible choice, Iowa-loving, family-embracing, 100% gung-ho, baby-talking (in ALL senses of the word) Whitney.  It’s one of the great ironies of The Bachelor/ette, that the person who chooses to get engaged at the end of show is at the height of their celebrity, with their dating options exponentially increased to stratospheric proportions — not exactly the ideal time to settle down. But no L.A. model is going to want to become a farmer in Bumblefuck, so perhaps Chris Soules will forgo all the effortless sex his D-list status could offer and stick with Whit. Still, the odds are against it, Arlington or not. We shall see.

Much more of a surprise than Chris’s pick and full-on engagement was the announcement of the next Bachelorettes — yes, plural! With all the talk last week of Kaitlyn unofficially confirmed as the next Bachelorette (much to the chagrin of loyal Britt-ophiles everywhere), we were just waiting for Kaitlyn to be introduced by Chris Harrison, dutifully make her appearance and take her place next in line. So when Britt was invited to crash the party, cheers and moans erupted simultaneously all across Bachelor Nation (did we just use that term unironically?).

Apparently, Britt and Kaitlyn will be joint Bachelorettes. But like Highlander, there can only be one. The two will enter the mansion, but — according to some show rules seemingly yet-to-be-determined by the producers — only one will be left to hand out the final rose. Surely, it will boil down to who is the better liked (or lusted after) by the guys in the house.

It’s a great new gimmick to get people talking about the show — we’re doing it right now! — but here’s why we don’t like it:

The show started off thirteen years ago on seriously shaky sexist ground by having a large group of women essentially fighting over one man. It encouraged and emphasized tired stereotypes about the cattiness and desperation of women. It was only after they turned the tables one year/two seasons later and introduced The Bachelorette that the franchise became much more palatable, revolutionary even. By showing that whole groups of men were just as interested in love and marriage, that they could talk publicly about their feelings too, and that a woman could seriously enjoy kissing (and even having sex with) multiple people just as a man could, the show could actually be accused of being practically feminist!

It wasn’t ideal. For the first several years, The Bachelor seasons outnumbered Bachelorette seasons two to one, giving the impression, perhaps, that producers couldn’t find enough men crazy or stupid enough to sign up for the same humiliation that countless women seemed ready for. And in 2006 and 2007, there were no Bachelorettes made at all, while The Bachelor marched steadily on. Not until 2008 did the two shows achieve equal footing, with one show of each made every year through to the present. The Bachelorette still traded in the old fashioned notion that men have to do the proposing, even though she was basically making the call, but at least for every man who got his pick of the litter on The Bachelor, one woman could do the same on The Bachelorette.

Which is why this gimmick of two dueling Bachelorettes is so disappointing. It feels like a step back for the show. Before, one woman rejected from The Bachelor could have redemption, total attention and complete control on The Bachelorette. The idea of having to fight for or over a man was refreshingly removed from the process. But now, by reinserting this element of competition back into the process, the once elevated status of the Bachelorette has been undercut, marred. To co-opt language usually reserved for elected office, it is beneath the dignity of the position of the Bachelorette.

You could see the disappointment and humiliation in Kaitlyn as she stood there awkwardly next to Britt on “After the Final Rose,” looking down at the ground, biting her lip, forcing those smiles. Britt, having thought she was a no-go as the fifth-to-last out on Soules’s season, seemed just happy to have more air time — hey, two Bachelorettes are better than none for me, the adorbs L.A. “waitress”! But clever Kaitlin, who must have been as certain as we were that she was going to be crowned queen for a season, couldn’t hide her mystification at this lost opportunity, this reneged title, this chance to be rejected all over again. As she admitted last night with this understatement, “It’s not ideal.”

One could argue this turn of television events is no biggie since the show’s done this before, with men. In season 6, the first-night cocktail party featured two potential Bachelors — Byron Velvick and Jay Overbye — and had the ladies decide who was going to stay for the rest of the season (they chose Byron, and he ultimately chose Mary, and six years later they chose to go their separate ways). They put two guys through this ringer, it’s only fair the gals get their turn, right? But it was lame back then, and it’s lame now. And this case feels a bit more cruel, since the two people involved are now personalities that American viewers feel they have gotten to know — whoever loses, their second rejection will be that much more humiliating and, the producers are betting, that much more entertaining. Gross. (But will we still watch? Does Chris Harrison have an unnatural compulsion to explain simple math?)

Let’s just hope that the gimmick doesn’t last, that it doesn’t deliver in the entertainment department, that Bachelor Nation rejects it as an exploitative step too far, and/or that the producers call it quits once they’ve tried it with both men and women. If the gimmick has staying power, then the only way we could feel any better about it is if it’s used across the Bachelor/ette board. It would still be undignified, campy and unrealistic objectification, but at least it would be equal-opportunity objectification.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 

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Thanks for Listening, Time Warner Cable
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You may recall that in a post last week, we called out Time Warner Cable for their ridiculously out-of-touch animated WiFi-Denti-fier tool (pictured above). The tool basically assumed that you were straight, with no options for letting users select otherwise. Because apparently, gay and transgendered people never have problems with movies endlessly buffering, which is one of the many annoying device overload problems this tool was meant to help you solve.

Well, we are thrilled to report that within days of this post going up, we got the nicest letter back from Time Warner Cable. Here it is in full:

Dear Em & Lo:

I’m writing in response to your “Time Warner Cable Is for Straight People Only, Please” post yesterday.

The Time Warner Cable Wi-Fi Dentifier Tool was designed as an interactive way to get users engaged and in no way intended to offend anyone. We’ve taken a closer look at the tool and understand how the characters and family composition used are not a true reflection of the diverse communities we serve so we have temporarily pulled it down and are revising the tool. We have a strong record in promoting, supporting and serving the LGBT community and are proud of consistently receiving the top score of 100% in the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Corporate Equality Index. We appreciate your feedback and are always looking for ways to do better as a company.

Sincerely,

Evelyn Galarza
Time Warner Cable

So, there you go! We’re still a little bit non-plussed about how this tool made it by so many levels of approval before going live, but we guess that’s one of the problems with not having enough women in the corporate workplace.

And now a mea culpa of our own. Here’s a letter we received from a reader in response to our original post on Time Warner Cable. It turns out that not only did the tool force you to select a “straight” option, it also showed only white avatars — something we unfortunately failed to notice.

 Hey guys! I read your blog about time warner excluding gays from their animation set-up, ugh! Like they can’t get proper recognition like everyone else does! It’s really great to see people speak up on behalf of gays. But you cant choose to be black, either. But they’re only concerned about getting shot and killed by cops, recieving longer prison sentences (20% on average) than whites for the same crime, and desire equal oppurtunity in legal matters, employment etc. But who cares you can’t choose another race besides white, this is a gay issue and you stand up for them all!…. by getting sad u can’t choose a gay partner in an animated avatar. Good day 🙂

Ouch! But, hey, it’s good to have our readers keeping us on our toes, lest the speedy response from Time Warner Cable go to our head. Here’s how we responded to that reader — and if you visit the original post, you’ll see we made changes there, too:

Point taken. We guess our only excuse is that as sex and relationship writers exclusively, we always focus on issues of sexuality, orientation and gender issues. But we should have mentioned the lack of choice when it comes to race too — not sure if we can update on HuffPo, but we’ll update on our site.

And when we wrote back to Time Warner Cable, we mentioned the reader’s point, too:

Dear Evelyn,

Wow, thank you for taking our concerns so seriously. We appreciate the effort that went into building that tool and would love to see it reflect more diversity. While our focus as sex and relationship writers is on issues of gender and sexuality, we should also mention, while we have your ear, that the avatars being all white is also problematic. Again, thanks for your consideration. And congrats on the 100% rating by the HRC!

Sincerely,
Em & Lo

All of which is to say: Speak up when you see something that isn’t right! Even when you’re the little guy (or gal) and it’s the big guy (or gal) doing the thing that isn’t right. Because, sometimes, the big guy just needs a little nudge to do the right thing. Also: We’re not perfect, and we want you to tell us when we’re not! But feel free to tell us when we’re being awesome, too.

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St. Paddy’s Horoscopes for the Week of March 9th, 2015
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photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The stars say that you’ll be “romantically challenged” this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dumbass all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like an Irish fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes we think the stars would rather be hosting a daytime talk show or writing self-help books with titles like “Who Moved My Constellation?” They’re always giving us messages in such platitudes! This week they’d like you to know that you have an unhealthy fear of intimacy and commitment. We’d like to add that you have a very heathly fear of green-food-dyed beer.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. This week, a particularly annoying “nobody” will be pursuing you all the way into that corner. If you don’t want to get backed into a corner — i. e. if you want to avoid a sloppy drunken make-out sesh in a corner booth with annoying Traci/Tony from Accounts — then stay home and rent old Patrick Swayze flicks instead. Or if you need company, invite some close friends over (but no friends with benefits) for a night of whiskey and Irish ballad singing.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You will be a tad fickle this week. Boredom will set in if the people around you are not exciting and full of adventure. Focus on group endeavors so that you don’t have to be partnered off with anyone in particular. Like marching with the gay and lesbian group in your local St. Patrick’s Day parade, whether they’re “allowed” to or not. Political activism is the next best thing to nookie.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Doors are opening for you all over the place this week. Don’t blow it by having nothing planned — that’s the dating equivalent of leaving a fake dog turd on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and making a run for it. Here’s your heads-up: The question you ask will most likely receive an affirmative answer. So make sure you’re prepared with your follow-up to their big fat “yes. ” As in: “Wanna go out sometime?” “Yes!” “Cool, I’ve got front-row seats to Riverdance, wanna come?”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Although you will attract a lot of attention this week (and not just because that green face paint you wore for St. Patrick’s Day didn’t turn out to be quite as “water-soluble” as the instructions claimed), you may not be all that excited about the source(s) of that attention. Well, maybe you should be just a little less superficial. Maybe you don’t look so hot either, what with that subtle green tinge to your skin. But your mother still loves you, and it certainly doesn’t affect your skills in the sack. So don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t judge a hottie by their hairstyle, either. (Wait till you’ve been dating for a month and then work on their mullet.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be nice to your neighbors. And by “neighbors,” we don’t mean humankind; seriously, be nice to the people who literally live nextdoor to you. Don’t come on too strong with your love interest — though we should say that as long as you’re not a stalker, there really is no such thing as “too strong” . . . it’s kind of like coffee that way. Do some volunteer work, or at least be charitable to the jerks you work with. Get some new hair product; the stuff you’re using isn’t doing your mane justice. Add fiber to your diet. Resist all impulses toward anything green this week: green eyeshadow, green-dyed food, the green-eyed monster.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve got more going on this week than a James Joyce book. But rather than seeming like a thick, daunting tome that’s torture to get through, you read more like a nice, simple Yeats poem — lyrical but not too wordy, deep but not too hard to understand. People will want to be versed in your ways.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find it easy to open up emotionally this week. You’ll talk about your feelings and what you are looking for in a relationship. The object of your affections is likely to be enamored with your honesty and openness. We know: We can’t believe it either. If you had asked us last week, we would have said you had a better chance of running into a leprechaun with a pot of gold than you did of exhibiting so much emotional maturity.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your week will be practically perfect when it comes to love, like you’ve got a four-leaf clover stuck up your butt. You like someone and they like you back and the two of you will be all cuddly, making goo-goo eyes at each other. There may even be some baby talk involved. Now go away before you make us puke.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you never watched “The Wire” or “Breaking Bad” and don’t intend to. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

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Love Has No Labels
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“Before anything else, we are all human. It’s time to embrace diversity. Let’s put aside labels in the name of love.”

No, it’s not skeleton porn. #LoveHasNoLabels is the new diversity and inclusion campaign by the Ad Council. There’s a dedicated website with a quiz, stories, tips, resources and the obligatory adorable video that will melt the iciest hearts (even Lo’s). The stunt, filmed on the 3rd Street Promenade in L.A. (a place guaranteed to have offered a warm reception), features a giant X-ray machine, behind which couples engage with one another as humans — we, the audience, can’t tell their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, or (dis)abilities. All we see is the love. This respect for people from all walks of life is something that most of us strive for and is also what many workplaces hope to replicate in their own working environments – inclusion initiatives that highlight respect and understanding for all cultures, races, genders and sexual preferences are often put in place to create a more welcoming space for employees from a diverse range of backgrounds.

Here’s the Ad Council’s description of the campaign and its point:

Most Americans agree that people should be treated respectfully and fairly. Yet many people in the United States still report feeling discriminated against. For example, one in five LGBT people report feeling there is little or no acceptance of their community. Six in ten Latinos report that discrimination is a major problem and a majority of African Americans report that they are not satisfied with the way they are treated in society.

The reason might be that we’re actually discriminating unintentionally–some call this implicit bias. Implicit bias influences how we treat people and how we interact with each other. More broadly, it can perpetuate disparities by impacting someone’s ability to find a job, secure a loan, rent an apartment or get a fair trial. To end bias, we need to become aware of it. And then we need to do everything within our power to stop it in ourselves, others, and institutions.

The Diversity & Inclusion campaign encourages everyone to reconsider the biases that we don’t even know we have. Visit lovehasnolabels.com to find ways to challenge bias in themselves and others.

 

Blog Snog: How the New Cinderella Movie Is Just Like “The Bachelor”
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What Does a Male Orgasm Feels Like? 4 Guys Explain.
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by Melissa Noble for YourTango | photo via Flickr

Ever wondered what a male orgasm is like? Four men tell us ladies what it feels like to get off.

So what does a male orgasm feel like? Do orgasms differ drastically between the sexes? On our search to find out what exactly goes on in a man’s head and body during sex, we first examined what we already know:

For starters, the male orgasm is significantly shorter, more intense and can, usually, only be experienced once during a single sex session. Women on the flipside, if properly stimulated, can pop out a series of orgasms with little recovery period. Secondly, the male orgasm unleashes a rush of drowsy hormones — norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nictric oxide and the hormone prolactin — making it next to impossible for men not to feel sleepy after sex.

But what exactly does a male orgasm feel like, we wonder. To find out, we asked a few bonafide, penis-owning individuals if they could put it into words that coveted five seconds of orgasmic bliss. What we found? The question was downright hard. Asking men to explain the male orgasm was akin to having them describe the color orange. Regardless, we managed to cull a few truths.

1. The brain shuts off, and then a moment of clarity arises.

Andrew, a 30-year-old computer programmer said that during sex he’s in a trance-like, robotic state. While he’s physically there, his mind wanders into deep horny forests, that if asked about, are just as ephemeral and hard to explain as the orgasm itself, but after he comes? “Everything makes sense for a split second. Like I’m seeing things clearly for the first time. That to me is the most powerful thing about orgasm, the moments afterward.”

2. It’s feeling of passing “energy.”

Adam a 27-year-old set designer says his orgasms are different depending on whether he’s masturbating or having sex. Masturbation for him results in an orgasm out of necessity, but when he comes inside a woman he explains it as almost spiritual. “I feel like I’m passing the core of my soul to someone,” he said. When we thought he couldn’t be serious, he concluded, “not to be cheesy, but its like sharing your energy with somebody. Being so close to someone during a very vulnerable period.”

3. The intensity varies depending on how long he holds out.

Paul, a 23-year-old actor says his most intense and earth shattering climaxes happen after he’s reached the edge and held out a few times. “There’s a differences between just letting loose when you first feel the urge and challenging yourself to hold out. I’m a million times more exhausted after I’ve stopped and kept going.”

4. Women’s are indeed longer — and possibly better.

Wes, a 26-year-old advertising copywriter, reiterates the already known fact that the male orgasm is inherently shorter than a female’s. It also doesn’t seem to be quite as euphoric. “My girlfriend seems to experience her orgasm in lingering waves. Ours isn’t like that. We have a very intense 3-5 second burst, if that, and then our entire body goes numb. It feels good, but I get the feeling hers are better.”

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

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Comment of the Week: You Just Cracked Us Up!
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We recently received a Facebook message that warmed the cockles of our hearts, and since we’re totally shameless when it comes to self-promotion, we thought we’d share it with you. Gerry, you made our month!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m writing to tell you that I just finished laughing so hard, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for my health…after reading your 2003 book, “Position of the Day,” first by myself, then with my wife, the lovely Kathy. We’re both 60, so we’re glad we read the intro, but only after getting about halfway through the ridiculously funny titles of each position. Oh man..I mean oh woman…no, oh man sounds better. Anyway, that kind of laughter deserves a thank you. To make a short story long, I have no idea where this book came from: I found it in my writing room over the holidays and none of my four adult children have ‘fessed up. I have tested just reading the daily position names over the phone to friends and even without the “diagrams” they have had me and my friends snorting. It’s not pretty when 60 year olds are snorting, I’m going to tell you! Thank you ladies.

Gerry

Sadly, we don’t get any royalties from the book this reader mentions (since it was a Nerve.com book back when we were on staff there), so if you want a fun and funny book by us, we’d recommend our more timely “150 Shades of Play.” (We can’t help the plugs, they just happen!)

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Can You Talk a Guy Into Having an Open Relationship?
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photo of open marriage fan Anais Nin via Wikimedia Commons

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “I want to have an open relationship, but my boyfriend doesn’t want to open up the relationship. I don’t want to break up, what should I do?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben): Easy answer — if you don’t want to break up, then you can’t have an open relationship. But really it sounds like it’s time for you and your boyfriend to do a yes / no / maybe list — a kind of sexual proclivities inventory where you see what each of you definitely are up for, what you might want to do if conditions are right and what things are total out of bounds. You each fill out the list on your own and then compare your answers. Whatever you both answer Yes to, go for it. Maybes mean it’s up for negotiation. And No from either of you means No for both of you. There’s a pretty great Yes / No / Maybe list on my Adult Parlour Games site.

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): First off, you’re my type of lady friend. We should hang. Second, to be perfectly blunt, you should break up with this guy because the two of you don’t belong together. And there are two different explanations as to why:

1) You and he have fundamentally different views on romance. It takes a certain type of person who wishes for an open relationship. You’re polyamorous (which is a fancy academic word for “slutty”). We polyamorous people should really only date each other, not because we’re better than the monogamous, but because we just view love differently, as something fluid and evolving. Even if you don’t want to hurt him, you should realize that eventually, you will. You should let him find someone for whom he is enough. Or, there’s an entirely different scenario…

2) This whole “open relationship” is just really the beginning of a slippery slope that ends with you leaving him, because you’re lying to yourself when you say that you want to stay with him. He’s not fulfilling you in some way, whether it’s sexually, romantically, intellectually, spiritually, whatever. Don’t string him along.

Both possibilities have the same solution. You need to be honest with him, but more importantly, with yourself.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max): If you find yourself constantly looking elsewhere, why don’t you just break up? Comfort breeds laziness, which I think can be dangerous to a relationship — you may not want to do the work it takes to keep things going. Look, if you want to sleep with other people, do it. It’s up to you to figure out if you want to be dishonest and cheat, or honest and break up with your partner. If you truly love your boyfriend, you’ll stay with him and be honest about things. But — and I hate to say it — I know for a fact that sometimes a little infidelity can make you realize how much you value your significant other. It just causes a lot of pain and has the potential to destroy everything. Regardless, tread carefully!

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Time Warner Cable Is for Straight White People Only, Please
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*** UPDATE: Within days of the following post going live, we heard from Time Warner Cable! They have pulled the tool down while they revise it. Read their response here. ***

According to Time Warner Cable’s WiFi-Denti-fier tool (which is linked from Time Warner Cable’s homepage), only straight white people use WiFi and Time Warner Cable. Since our site’s focus is on issues of sexuality, we’re just going to discuss one half of this problem:

Apparently, gay and transgendered people never have problems with movies endlessly buffering, which is one of the many annoying device overload problems this tool is meant to help you solve. What this ridiculously out-of-touch animated tool won’t help you solve: your gender identity crisis. The first page begins with the instructions, “Let’s start with an easy one: Are you a guy or a girl?” Wait, what? Do movies buffer differently for guys and girls? Do women need their tech advice given in a pretty pink font?! If you wait too long to select your gender — because, you know, maybe that’s a complicated issue for you that you don’t feel like discussing with an animated tech tool — the animated woman, wearing a pink shirt, naturally, cocks her hip and shimmies her shoulders a little. The dude, meanwhile, scratches his leg in a manly way (at least they stopped just short of ball-scratching). On the next page, you’re asked who else shares your WiFi with you. If you click the “My Better Half” option, then TWCC immediately places a person of the opposite sex next to your gendered icon on the couch. The only other option is to select “a few roommates,” as if it’s still the fifties and you’re still lying to your parents about who that gorgeous hunk is who shares your apartment and your answering machine. Apparently people who choose to marry or even just cohabit with someone of the same sex don’t use Time Warner Cable. (Actually, after discovering this, maybe they won’t!) Oh, and we’re guessing we don’t even need to tell you that if you select the “Our (Big) Family” option, the animated nuclear family on screen is fully compliant with the Tea Party’s “family values”… TWCC obviously invested an incredible amount of time and money into this tool, animating the characters, coming up with cheeky copy, etc. It’s not like it was a single, unthinking line of text or code. And it’s not like these are intentionally retro figures — the women wear skinny jeans,  and the men have hipster facial hair, pompadours, and tattoos. It’s like Williamsburg or Silver Lake, except without any gay people. We cannot believe that not a single person in the entire process spoke up and said, “Hey, remember that time when Ellen came out on Oprah’s television show and said she was gay and oh yeah that was 1997 and also probably a bunch of people were watching courtesy of Time Warner Cable.” And we haven’t even covered the complete whiteness of all the avatars involved! What’s up with that, TWCC?

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Top 10 Life Lessons from “The Bachelor” (The Women Tell All)
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via The Bachelor’s Twitter feed

Last night, we came to the cat fight portion of the season with “The Women Tell All” episode of The Bachelor, in which producers gather together all rejected participants in a room with a live studio audience to watch — and defend — their most humiliating, offensive, mean-spirited and basically indefensible moments. Your mother catching you in your teenage bedroom naked with a bowl of Jell-O would be less awkward. There were new hairdos (Kelsey), new extensions (Carly), new cleavage (Ashley I), and new boobs (Jade) — and we learned that new doesn’t always mean better. We learned a lot of other decent life lessons, too — ten, in fact. Because just watching The Bachelor to make fun of other people’s highly entertaining foibles and personality flaws would not be honorable. Bettering ourselves in the process makes it meaningful. See, this is God’s work we’re doing here, people!:

  1. Live life like the cameras are not watching: be authentic, honest, unselfconscious, and unafraid to ugly-cry. That said, if you’re going to fake cry, do it better than our 7-year-old daughters.
  2. When someone asks you a question, don’t pussyfoot: be direct, forthcoming and honest. (Lady: “Can I ask a question?” Chris Harrison, channeling his inner Christian Grey: “No.”)
  3. Closure is overrated…and often an illusion: you’re never going to hear what you want to hear.
  4. Stealing kisses = a big no no. You must give you’re intended the chance to decline your generous offer of osculation. Otherwise it’s basically mouth assault — even when done by someone old enough to be your mother.

  5. Being a space cadet from your own planet is better than being a Barbie from L.A.
  6. Having a sense of humor is the most attractive quality, not only in the next Bachelorette (Kaitlyn!), but in any human being.
  7. When someone asks you for forgiveness, accept it graciously, even if you think they’re full of shit. You can take measures to distance yourself from them going forward to avoid further harm or hurt, but you’ll have ended things on a positive note, with you looking (and feeling) like a decent person.
  8. The best “Bachelor” drinking game for getting plastered: Drink when 1) anyone says “amazing,” 2) the craziest person on the show does something crazy, 3) the Bachelor/ette kisses someone, 4) tears, or 5) anyone says “the right reasons.” (Credit: the “hardiest” of the party girls Prince Farming and Host Charming busted in on.)
  9. When life gives you onions, use your magical thinking to turn them into pomegranates.
  10. If Chris Harrison can write a novel, so can you.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 

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