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10 Simple Steps to “Fiftyize” Your Love Life
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Here’s a nifty little 10-step program for introducing BDSM into the bedroom, inspired by our book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink:

1. Talk Dirty to Him

Bringing up BDSM with your partner can be shocking and awkward. A great way to test a fantasy is to incorporate it into dirty talk. Whisper in your partner’s ear, ‘What would you think if I did this to you? I would find it so sexy.’

 

2. Safety First

Physically and emotionally, kink can be heavy, so it’s great for long-term couples who already have built up trust. Still, if there’s going to be bondage and a little struggle, have a safeword other than ‘no.’ It can be ‘red,’ ‘banana’—something you normally wouldn’t say during sex.

 

3. See No More

S&M is about ceding control, so a good entry point is bringing a blindfold to bed and seeing how you like it. One night, one of you can be the boss; the next night you switch it up. Kink isn’t just sex—it shows you’re really interested in turning each other on and asking each other about your fantasies.

 

4. Cuff Love

We’re all about working up to things gently. Padded, velcro handcuffs are familiar and easy to use. They’re a way to establish if you might like to move on to more kinky things, like rope ties.

 

5. Light Biting

When you’re really turned on, pain can feel a lot like pleasure. You don’t have to get a punishing spanking from a Christian Grey–type to get a kick out of pain—sometimes a nibble on the nipple, one single well-timed spank, or a little hair-pulling is all it takes to heighten the sexual tension.

 

6. Dress the Part

There’s a whole style to kink. Bring in textures like leather, latex, garters, and high heels. Anything you wouldn’t normally wear in bed.

 

7. The Sound of Music

Music helps drown out the world around you and lets you focus on the pleasure at hand. Try Nine Inch Nails, Muse, Radiohead, The Brazilian Girls, Massive Attack, Marilyn Manson, Prince, Peaches, The Cure, or Kings of Leon.

 

8. Put a Ring on It

150 Shades of Play tells you about all sorts of S&M, including tamakeri, the Japanese porn fetish of getting kicked in the balls. Of course, if your partner wants you to kick him in the balls, that’s probably not the best first step. Start out with a vibrating ‘love’ ring for his manhood—it’s a little something for both of you.

 

9. Light My Candle

BDSM temperature play is a scale from ice to candle wax. But be careful to use only plain white candles; scented candles burn too hot. Blow the candle out, test the wax on your hand first, and when it hits the skin, massage it in. Some new candles even melt into massage oil.

 

10. Pass the Remote

Handing over the controls of your sex toy to your partner suddenly seems a lot more kinky than doing it on your own. Sex toy design has gotten so much better in the last 10 years; it’s a lot more wireless. LELO makes a great, wireless bullet vibrator your partner can use from the other side of the room, or even while you’re taking a bath, as it’s completely waterproof! Other wireless vibrators can be controlled by a cell phone as a way of spicing up a long-term relationship.

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com.

For more inspired ideas about kinking things up, check out 150 Shades of Play, available from Amazon.com in both paperback and e-book versions! 

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How to See the “Fifty Shades of Grey” Movie in Style
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In case you couldn’t tell from the onslaught of Fifty Shades posts on our site in the past week, we’re a teensy little bit excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie that opens this Friday. It’s not because we loved E.L. James’ book. (We didn’t. Too many inner goddesses doing cartwheels and too much cliched writing.) It’s not because we expect the two stars to have any chemistry on screen. (They clearly don’t.) It’s not even because HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS JAMIE DORNAN HOT. (He absolutely is, but the filmmakers inexplicably ruined it all by giving him a bad haircut in the movie. Who knew it was even possible to make him look unappealing?) And it’s certainly not because we expect to get any decent sex tips from the movie. (That’s what our book is for, duh.)

No, the reason we’re excited is this: What better excuse can you think of to get your drink on with a bunch of lady friends and go giggle at the big screen? And that’s exactly what we plan to do. It will be a much needed respite from the rather bleak selection of Oscar movies this year: Nightcrawler is brilliant but cheerless. Mr. Turner is simply cheerless. The Theory of Everything seems kind of uplifting until you Wikipedia Stephen Hawking and realize how soon he is likely to be suffering from locked-in syndrome. American Sniper is a great movie that made us feel bad about America. Still Alice made us weep. Foxcatcher made us feel funny inside. (Bad touch! Bad touch!) And so on.

So tell us this: Which of the above movies would be appropriate to see drunk on champagne? Only Fifty Shades of Grey! Which of the above movies would be appropriate to car-pool to in a cheesy white stretch limo that is more commonly hired for local proms? Only Fifty Shades of Grey! Which of the above movies warrants you getting dressed up and teasing your hair big like you’re actually attending one of those local proms? Yep, you got it: Fifty Shades of Grey.

And this is exactly what we plan on doing this Friday, February 13th. Yes, we’re serious about the stretch. Our husbands think we’re nuts, but they just don’t understand. Sure, this could be a painful viewing experience, but as the inimitable E.L. James wrote: “There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain. They are two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other.”

So get your tickets in advance (they’re selling out), rent the limo, and get your girlie drink on without shame!

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Fifty Shades of Shopping
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Everything to make your ladies’ night screening of the movie or your 50-Shades-themed Valentine’s Day weekend even sillier (and maybe, in a few cases, sexier…maybe).  

Fifty Shades Wine (White & Red 2-Pack), $32

 
Fifty Shades Vermont Teddy Bear, $99

 

Fifty Shades of Grey – The Classical Album, $5 (mp3, instant) $9 (cd, Prime)

 

Original Fifty Shades Original Movie Soundtrack, $12 (mp3, instant; cd, Prime)

 

Fifty Shades Inspired Blush (get it?), $70

 

Sterling Silver Handcuff Necklace, $34

 

Official Fifty Shades of Grey Tie Necklace, $195 (Prime)

 

50 Shades-Themed 3-Candle Set, $25 (Prime)

 

Fifty Shades Inspired 6-pc Nail Polish Set, $30

 

Fifty Shades Shot Glass, $10

 

Happy Ending Fortune Cookies – 50 Shades Edition, $12

 

Fifty Shades of Hay Nightshirt, $29


 
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Your Fifty Shades ‘Scopes
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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, you’re ‘scopes are all shades of grey. 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You might have and Audi R8 Sypder, a closet full of custom-made Italian clothes, and your own helipad, but it means nothing if you’re emotionally bankrupt. This week, think: less image, more soul.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The coy, naive, virginal act might work for Anastasia Steele, but on you, it rings false. Own your own sexuality and take matters into your own hands this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We’re all for a little liquid courage to loosen inhibitions a bit, but not to the point of inebriation and impaired thinking. So when out and about pursuing romantic interests this week (or any week, really), don’t get wasted like Ana, and don’t get date-rapey like Jose.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Have an open mind about matters of the heart (and matters of the bedroom), but don’t do anything that brings you to tears, unless they’re tears of joy.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week might be a good time to hide out in your playroom — and we are talking about the one with your Xbox and stuff.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The mysterious, vague, and emotionally distant act might work on Christian Grey, but on you, it’s just kind of annoying. Communicativeness, emotional availability, a sense of humor — those are the truly hot qualities that will work for you this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When springing for sex toys for your own Red Room of Pain (or just your Valentine’s Weekend bedroom), don’t scrimp. Splurge like you’re Christian Grey. That kind of smart investment will yield high, sexy dividends.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s time for you to take this relationship of yours, bend it over your knee, and give it a good spanking. You know, shake things up! (With consent, of course!)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We know you don’t usually do romance. But this week? Just do it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you exercise control in all things, then Ana’s right: you’re probably pretty boring. Let go a bit, loosen up, and make yourself vulnerable. In other words, let your partner tie you up for a change.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If your partner tries to shame your shameless enjoyment of trashy erotica, it’s either time for a breakup or a couple’s counselor. If they’re supportive, then pay them back with a little erotica-inspired role-playing. If you don’t have any erotica, then now’s as good a time as any to jump on the bawdy bandwagon.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t sign any relationship contracts this week. You don’t want to make any commitments you can’t keep (like being someone’s sex slave).


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Watch the Entire “Fifty Shades” Movie Online Right Now!
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Okay, it’s not exactly the entire movie. But from these five sneak-peak clips that ran on the Today Show this past week, you basically get a complete picture (lots of awkward pauses, dubious chemistry, lame Christian Grey hair). Are we still gonna see it? Hells yes! But now, you don’t have to. Here they are, in what we’re guessing is chronological movie-scene order:

“We offer an excellent internship program.”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 
“Ok… rope, tape, cable ties. You’re the complete serial killer.”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 
“You’re energetic this morning.”
“I’m making pancakes!”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 
“I don’t do romance.”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 
“This is my playroom.”
“Like your Xbox and stuff?”

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

Catch up on all our “Fifty Shades” posts in this Special Issue:

The Top 5 Writing Lessons of “Fifty Shades of Grey”
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According to Wikipedia, the Fifty Shades of Grey series “has sold over 100 million copies worldwide and been translated into 52 languages, and set a record in the United Kingdom as the fastest-selling paperback of all time.” Not only has it introduced many people to the world of kink, it’s given them a lesson in how not to write. And if a lack of literary merit didn’t slow down sales, well, at least people can learn about the elements of style while being turned on by the elements of sadomasochism.

1. Avoid repetition of words and phrases. 

When Ana first meets Christian Grey, she thinks she spots a “ghost of a smile” in his expression. That’s a nice, descriptive way of putting it — it’s easy for the reader to imagine. The problem is, James uses the same exact phrasing only a few pages later, for the same character. And that’s not the last we hear the term “ghost of a smile,” either — it pops up a few more times in the first book. Using something so specific again and again just comes across as lazy.

 

2. Use adverbs sparingly. 

Anastasia Steele never met an adverb she didn’t like, especially when it’s modifying the way she or another character speaks: “I mumble almost inarticulately”; “I murmur apologetically”; “he murmurs softly.” (For painfully excessive use of the word “murmur” throughout Fifty, see rule #1).

 

3. Don’t use substitutes for the verb “said.”

The Fifty Shades characters rarely just “say” something, they whisper it, they breathe it, they moan it, they mumble it, they murmur it, ad nauseum (see rule  #2, and then rule #1). One of Elmore Leonard’s 10 Rules on Writing is this: 

Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue. The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But “said” is far less intrusive than “grumbled,” “gasped,” “cautioned,” “lied.” I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with “she asseverated” and had to stop reading and go to the dictionary.

What he said.

4. Be accurate. 

There is such a thing as creative license, but E.L. James’s should be revoked. Like driving, creative license is not a right, but a privilege, and should be used responsibly and with the utmost care. For example, the author creatively personifies Ana’s internal struggles over various situations as two polar-opposite people living in her head: a sex-loving, open-minded, free-spirited, back-flipping “Inner Goddess” and a careful, cautious, judgmental worrier called her “Subconscious.” Cute, but what Alanis Morissette did to the word “ironic,” E.L. does to the word “subconscious.” To quote Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” If it were truly Ana’s subconscious guiding her, Ana would not be aware of her — that’s what the whole “sub” part of that word means: not conscious! Similarly, there are a ton of British anachronisms in a story about American characters living in American cities with nary a funny Mancunian sidekick to rub off on them. James even includes an apology at the end of the third book for including a scene so preposterous that it defies all logic and law — that’s when you know you’ve abused your creative license.

 

5. Don’t worry about the rules of writing.

E.L. James didn’t, and look where that got her: laughing all the way to the bank! The most important thing is just sitting down and actually writing. As long as you do that — ideally with passion and conviction — then there’s a chance (albeit small) that you can ignore rules 1 through 4 above and still be a success.

If you liked Fifty Shades (despite the writing), you’ll love 150 Shades of Play, our how-to companion piece to the popular trilogy! 

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Blog Snog: Fifty Shades of Bad Tattoos
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The 17 Most Annoying Aspects of the “Fifty Shades” Story
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By Lindsey Kupfer for YourTango.com

Here’s a refresher course on how messed up Fifty Shades really is.

The Fifty Shades Of Grey movie hype is growing as the movie’s release date (February 13) gets closer, which means a barrage of media attention is once more on the mommy porn flick. And that means I get to hear endless apologies and explanations for how what may be the most sexist, poorly written piece of literature since Tucker Max thought he was relevant.

Listen, if Fifty Shades Of Grey turns you on, that is your business. You do you. I’m not here to judge anyone for their bedroom behaviors, be it vanilla sex or BDSM. As long as you’re all consenting adults, have at it. But there are parts of Fifty Shades Of Greyand its sequels (Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed) that are much more painful than being spanked with a riding crop, and I’m not talking about the painfully, secondhand embarrassingly bad dialogue (which is bad enough).

It’s the relationship between Ana Steele and Christian Grey that’s really disturbing, and at times flat-out abusive. Also unsettling? The relationship between Ana Steele and herself. And between Ana Steele’s brain and, I’m guessing, huffing glue. Here are the creepiest, most disturbing moments in Fifty Shades Of Grey (and its sequels). Keep these in mind when deciding whether or not to order advance tickets to the movie, okay?
 

1. Ana Steele doesn’t have an email address.

Listen, I can forgive and understand someone not having a computer (you can use labs at school) or a Smartphone (they’re not for everyone). But 21-year-old Ana Steele not having a f*cking email address? Seriously? No one graduates or even enters college without an email address. Your college will give you one if you don’t have one already. And if you don’t have one already, you’re either Amish, elderly, or don’t exist.
 

2. Ana Steele has no self-esteem.

To be fair, Ana Steele goes beyond basic and into “remedial” territory, but she should still have a modicum of respect for herself if only for being a living, breathing human being. Instead, she spends her time wondering if she’s good enough for a man who compares her to his “crackwhore” mom and controls her every move. How empowering.
 

3. Ana Steele has never had an orgasm.

Let’s be clear: This has nothing to do with being a virgin. You don’t need a partner to have an orgasm.
 

4. Christian Grey wanted to take advantage of a drunk Ana Steele.

When Ana Steele drunk dials Christian Grey, he shows up at the bar, is a dick to her pal, and scolds her for acting like any young 20-something. Then he tells her that he wants to have sex with her. While she’s too wasted to give consent. Yeah, nothing sketchy about that (if you’re Bill Cosby).

5. Christian Grey is basically a stalker.

In only the second chapter of Fifty Shades Of Grey (EL James wastes notime), Christian Grey shows up at Ana Steele’s job even though there are plenty of hardware stores in the world that he can access at any time. He continues popping up and refusing to leave her alone throughout the story, despite her insistence. That’s not romantic. That’s psychotic.
 

6. Ana Steele doesn’t have a lawyer look over the BDSM contract.

Considering Ana Steele didn’t have a second set of eyes reading her BDSM contract with Christian Grey, she basically went in blind and a with a real handicap. Also, to reiterate, she’s a college graduate without an email address. I’m willing to bet she didn’t quite understand all of the stipulations and risks involved with this.
 

7. Ana Steele loves Christian Grey’s super-creepy gifts.

Sure, there’s nothing inherently creepy about a Blackberry or a laptop, but there’s a lot wrong with someone giving you a Blackberry and a laptop for the sole purposes of controlling, tracking and manipulating you (and showing up at your house if you don’t text him back fast enough). Also, that book, Tess Of The D’Urbervilles? It’s basically about a woman being raped repeatedly. How romantic! You know, if you’re Ted Bundy.
 

8. Christian Grey tries controlling Ana Steele’s diet.

Remember when Christian Grey tells Ana Steele she needs to eat three meals a day? Because there was no other way for her to know nor find that information other than from his mouth? Or when they’re at the restaurant and he makes her order steak? First of all, he shouldn’t have to force her into eating steak. Steak is f*cking wonderful. But he also shouldn’t, you know, force her into anything. What if she were vegan? (Just kidding, she wouldn’t be vegan or have any other sort of distinction in her diet nor her character, because she doesn’t have a personality.)
 

9. Christian Grey is attracted to his mother.

Okay, technically to women who look like his mother. The same mother to whom he affectionately refers as a “crackwhore.” That’s about as flattering as being told, “You look fat today,” only about a million times worse.
 

10. Christian Grey’s own mom thought he was gay.

Dude, come on. If that isn’t a red (or rainbow) flag, I don’t know what is. Also, while we’re at it, remember when Ana Steele’s buddy Kate Kavanaugh is shocked that Steele is “fascinated by a man?” Why wasn’t anyone asking if Ana was the gay one here?
 

11. Christian Grey buys the company where Ana Steele works.

It’s remarkable that someone as basic and useless as Ana Steele was able to find and keep a job at a publishing house, and it was a good sign of her growing independence and confidence. So Christian Grey takes that away from her and essentially becomes her boss in yet another arena without her knowledge. Hot.
 

12. Christian Grey arrives uninvited at Ana Steele’s mom’s place.

No normal man wants to spend extra time with his mother-in-law. Not even yours. Not matter how great your mom is. Know that.
 

13. Ana Steele gets pregnant by accident.

When taken correctly, birth control pills work. Ana Steele had a Blackberry. Why couldn’t she set an alarm? I’ve seen Maury. I don’t buy it.
 

14. No one says “jeez” that much.

Seriously. No one. Ever. Toddlers have a more sophisticated vocabulary than this.

 

15. Ana Steele’s “inner goddess” is about 11 years old.

Oh, need proof? Here, direct quotes: “My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes at me.” Also, “My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.” Basically, Christian Grey may be an accidental pedophile if we’re going by mental age.

16. Ana Steele’s brain literally doesn’t function properly.

Early in the book when Christian Grey first visits Ana Steele at Clayton’s, she muses, “And from a very tiny, under-used part of my brain— probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He’s here to see you.” That is not what your medulla oblongata does. Your medulla oblongata handles boring stuff like breathing, body temperature regulation and your heartbeat. Your “subconscious” doesn’t “dwell” there, and if it does, well, it explains why you think this is quality writing.
 

17. Ana Steele is taken aback by really mundane things.

From the multiple uses of baby oil to not realizing coffee shops also serve tea, Ana Steele’s epiphanies prove natural selection is a load of bullshit, because she’s almost too stupid to live.

How to Use a Flogger Like Christian Grey
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The following is from our very own naughty dictionary, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Bolded words signify individual entries that appear elsewhere in the A-to-Z section of the book. Anything with a tie icon

 indicates an activity or prop mentioned in the Fifty Shades series (symbolic of the famous woven tie Christian Grey uses to restrain Anastasia Steele). The idea being: look up something you’re interested in and, from there, make it a choose-your-own-adventure book by following any bolded words that pique your interest to their own dedicated entry. Or just start at A and don’t stop ‘til you get to Z—or ‘til you’re compelled to try something out with your partner, whichever comes first!:

F

 floggers

The pom pom of the BDSM world. (“Give me a W! Give me an H! Give me an I! Give me a P!”) A popular flagellation tool, a flogger consists of a fairly stout handle and several “tails” of equal length (from one- to three-feet long) made of leather, suede, nylon, pleather, rubber, or even ribbon. Depending on the number of tails, their length, their material, and whether they have knots or beads at their ends, the sensation a flogger provides can be anywhere from soft to holy-fucking-shit.

Beginners should go with a well-made, small, light-impact flogger: they’ll evoke more giggles than actual cries of pain. Avoid heavy-leather, braided, beaded, or knotted tails in the beginning. As with most BDSM equipment, you don’t want to scrimp: A cheaply made flogger won’t be balanced correctly (making it harder and heavier to wield), its tails won’t land in the same spot (what you want), and/or the edges of the tails will be sharp (what you don’t want). Try companies that specialize in making floggers, like Bare Leatherworks—with their Midsize Cowhide Flogger, the handle feels great, you can give your partner a good whack without it hurting them, and it makes your victim’s butt jiggle, too! For the kind of posh flogger you might find in the Red Room of Pain, there’s LELO’s Sensua Suede Whip (available also in red!).

To make sure you’ve got good aim, practice on inanimate objects first. Work on your different strokes: twirling, backhand, infinity symbol. Don’t graduate to animate objects—that have of course given you their consent—until you’ve got the eye and aim of a national darts champion. The ends of the tails should be hitting only the safe zones: lower buttocks, thighs, and upper back (not the spine or neck!). As a beginner, it’s a good idea to protect areas you don’t want to hit with clothing, a towel, blanket, or pillow, just in case you accidentally let the tails “wrap” around the body beyond these safe zones—the epitome of poor form. (Another good reason to have your bottom lying down if you’re a beginner.)

See flagellation for more important safety info. A.k.a. cats. Mini-floggers for genitorture are called flails, pussywhips (ha!), or ballwhips.

For more on other kinky endeavors and accoutrements for newbies, pick up a copy 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon, in paperback or e-book!

Erotic Deathmatch: Fifty Shades of Grey vs. 150 Shades of Play
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This is the face the other Jamie makes when judging our book better than the one his movie is based on

Jamie Maclean is the founder and editor of the Erotic Review Magazine, an intelligent and artsy London-based website dedicated to sex (and NOT the US-based Yelp for escorts of a similar name). So how could we all not get on?! And then he called us “New York’s coolest sex therapists” and said that our book, 150 Shades of Play, “makes Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain look like a stationery cupboard, and Ana’s Inner Goddess like a virginal mouse.” Our inner goddesses are doing cartwheels!

We chatted with Jamie for an Erotic Review podcast, which you can listen to here — we talk about, amongst other things, why Fifty Shades is so successful, and whether or not we feel guilty for jumping on E.L. James’ bandwagon while simultaneously poking fun at her writing (plot spoiler: we don’t!). Here are two brief excerpts:

Jamie Maclean: Fifty Shades of Grey has had such an unprecedented sales record that it’s hard to believe that its success stems merely from an introduction to (and a subsequent fascination with) BDSM. But if this wasn’t the only reason for its triumph, what other — or others — do you attribute it to? 

Em: Well, for starters there’s the fact that Fifty Shades begin its life as Twilight fan-fiction — and if there was ever a story that was beginning for raunchy fan fiction, it was Twilight! So E.L. James didn’t exactly come out of nowhere — she had a pretty big fanbase in that world.

We also think that all the money-related escapism in Fifty Shades helps readers feel more comfortable with BDSM in particular and sex and raunch in general. You see the same thing in the world of sex toys — buying a five-pound dildo in a sleazy sex shop frequented by men in raincoats feels dirty, but paying 400 pounds for a platinum-plated one in a fancy boutiue is just being naughty.

Lo: This also explains why BDSM is increasingly mainstream — it’s increasingly expensive, well-designed, and nicely packaged! (Judith Krantz and Danielle Steele figured this out a long time ago, by the way, as did many many romance novelists).

The Shades of Grey heroine, Ana, is more than a little seduced by Christian’s obscene wealth – a while ago she might have been the heroine of what was then called a ‘shopping  & fucking’ novel. And perhaps part of that book’s appeal hard-worked housewives is the altogether delightful fantasy of a young woman’s untrammelled consumerism. And now there’s a scramble to accessorise Shades of Grey sex. Is your book just another part of the – unofficial – Shades of Grey franchise? 

Em: Ha ha we hope so! We’d love to get stinking rich off this.

Seriously, though, we take a sunnier view of all this consumerism: If it’s making women more comfortable and open about reading erotica, buying sex toys, and getting kinky in the bedroom, can it be such a bad thing?

Lo: Personally, we love the idea that so-called porn for moms has taking the publishing industry by storm. Bring it on!

You can listen to the entire podcast here at the Erotic Review website. And you can get your own copy of our book, 150 Shades of Play, here.

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How “Fifty Shades” Has Changed Sex Over the Past Several Years
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As if the palpable global anticipation for the first movie adaptation of E.L. James’ erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” wasn’t evidence enough, our friends over at LELO have actually quantified just how influential the story of Ana, Christian and his woven tie have been on the world’s sexual habits. They surveyed over 10,000 women from 8 countries over the past few years and discovered that the interest in kinky accessories inspired by “Fifty Shades” served as a gateway to enjoying other intimate objects and activities:

2012:

The Year Vanilla Turned Grey

(click for infographic)

Women were becoming more adventurous. Sex out of the bedroom was on the increase, sex toys were on the increase and kinky liaisons were on the increase too. Sales of whips and teasers increased by more than 50% and sales of Pleasure beads increased by more than 200%. Fifty-eight percent of global sex toy owners were expected to use premium personal massagers with their partner.

 

 

 2013:

The Kink Continues

(click for infographic)

The kinky liaisons between the sheets continued throughout the first two quarters of 2013 with women everywhere feeling a new sense of sexual empowerment. But by the end of 2013 LELO witnessed a shift in how women wanted their pleasure.  Sales of BDSM accessories, like whips and teasers, reached a plateau in the last quarter of 2013 compared with sales of premium couples’ massagers and vibrating couples’ rings worn during intercourse, which increased by 82%. By the end of 2013, 72% of sex toy owners used massagers or rings with their partner.

 

 

2014:

The Year of the Vanilla Revolution

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LELO’s Global Sex Survey revealed women emerged from their kinky ‘Fifty Shades’ phase with liberated attitudes, finding ways beyond novelty and kink to enhance intimacy with their partners.

In 2014 LELO shows that 1 in 5 women have been involved in a threesome (double that of 2012’s findings). Similarly more than half of women in a relationship have made a home movie, and over a third have had sex in a public place. More women have lived out their fantasies over the past 2 years but a whopping 80% said their fantasy didn’t live up to expectations. Either women have become more sexually confident since “Fifty Shades,” or they’ve become more confident talking about their sex lives.

Kinkier ‘novelty-based’ products like whips and hand cuffs have still plateaued, but are expected to take a sharp rise around the release of the movie. However, sales of couples’ massagers, vibrators worn during intercourse, like IDA and Tara have increased by as much as 82% this year and are expected to continue to rise.

 

2015: Predictions for the Future of Sex

We would guess that immediately after Valentine’s Day next year, when the “Fifty Shades” movie premieres, LELO will be absolutely pummeled by increased requests for handcuffs, blindfolds and teasers, not unlike Christian Grey on Ana’s bare bottom. Sales of kinky accessories will plateau (until the next movie in the series comes out), but by then even more women will have become comfortable buying and using bedroom accessories with their partners. A regular visit to LELO will be as normal as a dental checkup — but certainly much more pleasurable (unless, of course, you’re into pain).

 

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Fifty Shades Parody Tells of Dungeons… and Dragons
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Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is on sale at Amazon

If you’re planning on seeing the Fifty Shades movie only so you can get your snark on, then we have a reading assignment for you. Of course, the web is littered with Fifty Shades of Grey parodies, but “Fanny Merkin” (a.k.a. Andrew Shaffer, author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love) wrote one of the funniest — and it’s a book-length parody. Yes, he wrote an entire novel that’s pretty much a line-by-line parody of Fifty Shades — it digs fun at the sex scenes, at the brand-name dropping, at the writing, at the murmuring, at the meandering inner monologues, and most especially at Anastasia’s various inner voices. It’s called Fifty Shames of Earl Grey and yes, there’s a grey tie on the cover. Earl Grey’s awesome deep dark secret is that he’s not nearly as kinky as he thinks he is. He wants to spank Anna Steal and she’s kind of like, ” That’s it?” Other dark secrets include: he rocks out to Nickelback albums, he has a man-crush on Tom Cruise, and he thinks that Italian food doesn’t get any better than the Olive Garden. Oh yeah, and the kind of role-playing games he likes involve wizard hoods and sorcery, and the only dungeons he’s familiar with are the kind that come with dragons. We weren’t sure we’d find a novel like this particularly funny — after all, the original Fifty Shades parodies itself pretty well. And it’s almost too easy to make fun of, so why bother? But once we started flipping through Fifty Shames of Early Grey, we couldn’t stop. Here are a few of our favorite bits…

    • When Anna Steal first shows up to interview Early Grey, the receptionist hands her a security badge that reads VIRGIN. And when Anna approaches the elevators, she says, “We don’t have elevators in Portland. This will be my first elevator ride. How do they work, exactly?”
    • Anna has an “inner guidette” who speaks with a thick Jersey accent. “I can tell it’s her,” Anna muses, “because when she talks inside my head there’s this weird echoey sound.”
    • HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.
    • She feels a jolt of electricity when they shake hands… because he’s a prankster with a joy-buzzer in his hand.
    • She writes an essay for her ethics class (via quill pen and candlelight!) on the legalities of fan fiction.
    • Mr. Grey wears velour sweatpants.
    • He buys her Snooki’s book.
    • He runs “his finger over my most sensitive spot like it’s a MacBook trackpad.”
    • He pulls a white dove out of her “sex.” Seriously. You’ll have to read the book to find out what happens to the dove when it hits the ceiling fan. It could be a metaphor, Anna realizes.

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“150 Shades of Play” Is on Kindle for Valentine’s Day!
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Our latest book, now available in a discreet Kindle edition

We get it: 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink is not necessarily the book you want to be caught reading on the bus, or during your lunch break, and it’s definitely not the book you want sitting on your nightstand when your nosy mother-in-law (“Oops! You mean this isn’t the guest bathroom?!”) happens to visit the day after February 14th. Yes, we’re looking at you, Olive Kitteridge. So while we’re convinced our most recent book makes an awesomely playful Valentine’s Day gift — for her or him — we understand that the paperback version might not be quite as handy, or quite as welcome. On Kindle, on the other hand, your partner may actually read this thing on their morning commute… and come home with some naughty ideas.

Because we want to help spread the love (and the lust) this Valentine’s Day, 150 Shades of Play on Kindle is on sale now for $4.99 on Amazon — or FREE if you subscribe to Amazon’s KindleUnlimited service. Oh, and if you already happen to own 150 Shades in print, then the Kindle version is a bargain 99 cents.

And here’s why the Kindle version is worth checking out, whether or not you’re already familiar with the book: Every entry is completely linked! Simply click on any bolded word in the text throughout the book that you want to learn more about, and you will be taken directly to that term’s entry in our kinky encyclopedia!

A refresher course on our book: If you — or someone you know — loved the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E.L. James and is on countdown for the movie, but wished there had been a little more guidance and information, then 150 Shades is for you! This helpful (and hilarious, if we do say so ourselves) illustrated A-to-Z guide to kink for beginners includes:

  • How to’s on role play, dirty talk, spanking, bondage & more
  • Important safety info missing from the Fifty Shades trilogy
  • A voyeuristic peek at all of Christian Grey’s “hard limits”
  • Tips on shopping for top-of-the-line kinky accoutrements
  • Notes on what the Fifty series got wrong about BDSM
  • Links between all terms for easy navigation of related topics
  • Everything beginners need to know to get their kink on!

So don’t hesitate! Get it for a loved one, or a lusted-after one, this Valentine’s Day.  Not only will you be giving yourself, your partner or your friends a great [pick one: sexy / kinky / funny / outrageous / romantic / informative / entertaining / gag ] gift, you’ll be giving your two favorite friendly neighborhood sex writers a gift, too.

But don’t just take our word for what a great read it is; check out some of the praise the book has already received:

“I consider Em & Lo my adopted sex daughters, and they have made me proud once again with ’150 Shades of Play.’ Their sound advice, smart writing, and sense of humor empower women to give kink a try, safely and realistically.”
— Betty Dodson, sex educator icon & author of “Sex for One”

“For readers looking to tap their erotic potential, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is only the tip of the sexual iceberg. With their signature sense of humor and commitment to educate, Em & Lo take readers on a guided journey into titillating, and often taboo, territories and expertly navigate a diverse landscape of thrilling possibility.”
— Ian Kerner, PhD, GoodInBed.com founder & CNN columnist

“Unlike ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ this was fun to read, informative and didn’t take eight chapters to get to the sex part. Em & Lo have yet again taught me more about sex than all the extensive research I’ve done by watching porn.”
— Joel Stein, TIME magazine columnist & author of “Man Made”

So what are you waiting for? Have yourself a Very Fifty Valentine’s Day!

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Top 8 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (New Mexico Is a State)
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from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

Okay, it wasn’t the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (because there wasn’t one), but it was the most dramatic episode of this season so far, for sure.  The Emmy for Best Actress in a Reality Show should go to either Britt (“I want 100 kids! I’m an Angelina-Jolie-hot waitress in Hollywood. but I will totally move to Boonies, USA for this doorknob.”) and Kelsey (“I’m not insane, this is a real panic attack! My husband mysteriously died from….congenital heart failure? Yeah, that’s the ticket!”). There was also the MOST AWKWARD DATE EVER with a new-agey love guru basically encouraging date rape, along with a great behind-the-scenes hotel room bitch fest (Ashley I Wanna Be a Kardashian vs. Whitney Nails on Chalkboard). It’s only a matter of time before Prince Farming punches a hole in the wall — we’re placing bets and holding our breath! In the meantime, let’s review the important life lessons about love and dating from last night’s episode of “The Bachelor”:

  1. We’re sex writers. We’ve talked publicly about oral sex, anal play, even fisting. But even we have a problem using the word “juiciness” when speaking about romantic/sexual relationships. There are just some taboos that should not be broken — this is one of them. (Speaking of the love guru, that was Carrie Brownstein doing one of her characters from Portlandia, right?)
  2. When playing erotically with food, try to avoid making your partner look like a one-and-a-half-year-old in a high chair who just went full-tantrum on a bowl of mashed black beans.
  3. On a date, don’t succumb to any sexual pressure to do something you’re uncomfortable doing, whether that pressure is coming from your date or a sage-burning, irony-free bystander.
  4. That said, definitely try that breathing thing! Sit on your partner’s lap (or vice versa), place your mouths an inch apart, don’t kiss, and just breath in synch with each other (one in, the other out, etc) while touching each other “like you’ve never felt another human body before.” Editors’ note: Be sure to rinse with mouthwash beforehand.

  5. There’s something to be said for seeing yourself through your adoring partner’s eyes, rather than through your own unforgivingly critical ones. At the same time, women shouldn’t need a man to tell them they’re beautiful, give them confidence, or make them feel worthy. Take a compliment, but don’t rely on them.
  6. Never use these three words: “As a man.” Same goes for “Be a man.” There are no moral or righteous actions that these phrases might refer to that couldn’t also be taken by someone with a vagina (except for maybe peeing standing up). Acting like a decent human being is not the sole domain of manly men.
  7. While we’re on the topic of terms to avoid, never refer to another woman as “that.” It’s unkind.
  8. Finally, never use a tragic occurrence in your life to try gain love or sex (or, in this case, a pity rose). Your tale of woe is not a pickup line. Or an excuse to makeout. In fact, it may very well be a boner killer…or a rose snatcher.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.” 

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The Original “Fifty Shades of Grey”
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Earlier covers of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty trilogy

In my senior year of high school, I (Lo) read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, the first in a three-book series by vampire-genre goddess Anne Rice (who was a fave of mine at the time) writing under the pen name “A. N. Roquelaure.” Except instead of vampires, she was playing around with fairy tale characters in a crazy BDSM
world with bondage, whips, suspension, sticky-itchy honey-glazes on genitals, you name it! Her Beauty trilogy from over 25 years ago was the original Fifty Shades of Grey series, filled with kinky sex on almost every page — except Rice’s was actually well written and, if memory serves me correctly, a lot more hardcore.

Penguin Plume recently reissued the series with new covers and a new preface from Rice, in which she kind of can’t help but point out how she was here first, satisfying the dark fantasies of women long before Christian murmured “Come for me, baby” and Anastasia did as she was told (and really, who can blame Rice). But my favorite parts of the new preface involve Rice defending the sexuality, sexual fantasies, and sexual agency of women:

As a feminist, I’m very much supportive of equal rights for women in all walks of life. And that includes for me the right of every woman to write out her sexual fantasies and to read books filled with sexual fantasies that she enjoys. Men have always enjoyed all kinds of pornography. How can it be wrong for women to have the same right? We’re sexual beings! And fantasy is where we can do the things we can’t do in ordinary life. A woman has a right to imagine herself carried away by a handsome prince, and to choose for herself as she writes, the color of his hair and eyes, and imagine his silky voice. She has a right to make him as tall as she wants and as strong as he wants. Why not? Men have always allowed themselves such fantasies….

People are much more comfortable today admitting and talking about what they enjoy in fiction and film. Much more. People are “out of the closet” about sexuality, period. The whole world knows women are sensual human beings as well as men. It’s no secret anymore that women want to read sexy fiction just as men do, and there’s a new frankness about the varieties of fantasies one might enjoy. So many clichés have been broken and abandoned. And this is a wonderful thing.

The image below is me (in my Annie Hall hat) posing for my high school yearbook editors photo on the steps of the New York Public Library — the theme of our yearbook that year was the written word, so all of us editors used our favorite books or whatever we were reading at the time as props. The original paperback cover of The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty back then was a lot more subtle, despite the naked lady in a blindfold; it gave the impression of matoore litooratoore. Speaking of, I also wrote an English paper my junior year in high school on D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterly’s Lover. And I wonder how I ended up a sex writer.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 2nd, 2015
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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Advantage, Aries. You’ve got game this week, and if you choose to play, you’ll be scoring more often than, er — oh fuck it, we don’t watch any sports (except for the Super Bowl halftime special). It’ll be love-love everywhere you look, slam-dunks from here to the bedroom, and if we make one more sports analogy, we’re going to have to run off to Best Buy and buy a big-screen TV to go with our Lay-Z-Boy. Anyway, you get the picture. And we’ll take the picture-in-picture flat-screen Panasonic, please.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aren’t you Mr(s) Popular? Everyone will want to spend time with you this week. What, did you win the lottery or finally get that penis implant/boob jobbie? No, no, of course, it’s your loving nature that draws the crowds. So spread the love. Just wear rubber gloves.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Not only are we astrologers, we’re also psychics. We can prove it: We can guess what your middle name is. Check it out…it’s coming through a little hazy…no, we are definitely getting a name…yep, yep…it’s Scatterbrains! Whether it’s on your birth certificate or not, that’s your middle name this week. So don’t make any sudden moves or important decisions (like officially changing your middle name to something like “Scatterbrains”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There’s a fine line between attracting attention and banging a big spoon on a metal pot. Faking your own suicide, for example, would probably fall into the latter category. So would pretending your dog died…or that you suddenly need Viagra.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, if love is a dance, then you need to stop being a wallflower. Which is just about the cheesiest goddamn thing we’ve ever said. A dance? That sounds like something our grandmothers would say. Or worse, a Hallmark greeting card. But, whatever — when the stars tell you to dance, we guess you just gotta make like Kevin Bacon and cut loose.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We know that sometimes it feels like your sex drive is, well, driving, and you’re just riding shotgun. But that’s no excuse for not offering up helpful navigation suggestions every now and then. For example, “No, not that one, s/he’s got a mullet!” Or, “Noooooo! Not the ex!” Or, “Let’s go home and masturbate!”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Here’s your problem: Your gnat impersonations. When you like someone and/or are trying to get them to do something (namely, you), you have a tendency to buzz around them in an erratic fashion. Your intentions are good, but it’s still totally annoying. Here’s your solution: Stop buzzing. Do something constructive instead, like an arts and crafts project. Art is sexy.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days (and you’re certainly no Sagittarius), and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize (or hire a Scorpio) in order to get laid. Besides, your Scorpio friends will all be too busy getting laid themselves to help out. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that: We have a special place in our loins for you Scorpio. (And no, we don’t say that to all the star signs.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Talk is cheap. It’s also a fabulous way to get into someone’s pants. Which should make your week, considering that you’re currently blessed with a honey tongue, totally broke, and in more dire need of a good shag than anyone we’ve seen in a long time.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We don’t know if you’re usually the touchy-feely type (oh, who are we kidding; you’re a Capricorn and we know everything), but this week, you’re going to be handing out kisses like you’re sponsored by Hershey’s. Hey man, it’s all good. Feel the love. Just don’t feel it with anyone who’s got active oral herpes.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it’s okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you’ll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say “Can you spare a square?”


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