All posts by Em & Lo

Your Thanksgiving Horoscopes: 11-24-14
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photo by thestarmama

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t have to take drastic, Jackass-like measures in order to get attention, like sticking your head up the butt of an entire uncooked turkey just for laughs. Instead, let your sensitive side shine through. Make friends with the turkey.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Say what’s on your mind. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up, and that’s not polite either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be full of energy this week. We’re talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you’re frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting “Stick up the butt” and correctly guess “Charlie Chaplin,” before cous’ and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It’s that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Take action and you’ll receive the kind of love you’re looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week. i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Face it, you’re never going to impress your partner with your cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money, fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc. ).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Move on, loser. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You don’t need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll find love in the strangest places. So what the hell, accept that invite from your parents’ friends’ socially awkward son/daughter to get a fancy cocktail at the local Chili’s while you’re home over Thanksgiving. The only downside is that if you do meet a hottie at the bar, you’ll be forced to admit to your friends that you met in Chili’s, and you might have to go back once a year on your anniversary. But really, isn’t that a small price to pay for true wuv?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that’s plain gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey’s.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars suggest politely that “you may want to avoid too much interaction with others this week. ” Apparently you’re liable to sweat the little things and have trouble keeping your cool. Hey, that sounds just like Thanksgiving at our house. We don’t recommend trying to wrangle your way out of any Turkey Day plans — that’s taking this advice a little too seriously — but you might want to reconsider making it a five-day weekend.

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Blog Snog: Sex Acts As Represented by Thanksgiving Dinner Dishes
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photo via The Frisky

PINO: The 1st Pleasure Product Exclusively for…Bankers?
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photo via LELO


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Okay, it’s actually a gift set for men, but our friends over at LELO decided to have a little fun with the marketing, explaining that the banking angle “gave us the opportunity to come up with loads of banking puns: Deposit; Hostile takeover; Double dip; Sperm bank; The Ultimate Stimulus Package…”

So what’s the hook? “Bankers screw us so often, we may as well get some pleasure out of it.” Funny.

PINO, “the first pleasure product made exclusively for bankers” [and those are big air quotes], is by far and away the most luxurious vibrating couple’s ring money can buy, presented in LELO’s most premium gift box ever. The perfect gift for the powerful man who has everything and still wants more, inside you’ll find:

  • Cufflinks: A pair of engraved silver cufflinks that hint subtly at your expertise at market penetration.
  • Money Clip: A chromed money clip bearing the mantra of many a successful trader: Always Be Closing.
  • PINO™: The powerful, 10-function vibrating couple’s ring from our Insignia range, with a unique ridge design to add some liquid to your assets. (100% Waterproof & USB-Rechargeable.)

But again we ask, why single out bankers? LELO’s (fairly tongue-in-cheek) spiel:

Wall Street can be a cut-throat place, and everybody wants a slice. We believe it’s in our interest to keep Wall Street smiling because, if the moneymen are happy, it’s usually good news for the rest of us.

But that’s not all. Bankers and traders are famous – or infamous, more accurately – for their insatiable excesses and recklessly hedonistic lifestyles. Sure, the movie portrayals are undoubtedly exaggerated, but there is a foundation of truth beneath the Gordon Gekkos and Wolves of Wall Streets we see in the cinemas. They are, after all, based on real people. LELO is in a unique position to stimulate that market.

Since a large section of sex toy early adopters tend to come from the financial sector, we are only too keen to service their demands and desires, as we do for so many other core sections of our most loyal customers. Bankers, though, have sex differently from most of us. For most of us, sex is an appetite. In the male-dominated, testosterone-drenched world of banking, it’s an obsession. We need to make sure they’re doing it right. PINO™ is kind of an outside consultant in that respect: it’s not cheap, it’s very flashy, and by the time you need it, it might already be too late.

But should we really be lavishing the greedy, morally bankrupt jerks of the world with nice presents? And what about the female jerks in finance? Do they get their own high-end, high-powered gift package?

It’s not as flashy, but how about we just think of the PINO Pleasure Set as the perfect splurge this holiday season for the man — not the jerk — in your life who sometimes has the occasion to wear cufflinks? Because that couple’s massage ring looks like it’ll be a pretty sweet present for you, too!

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This Week in Great Subliminal Phalluses from History
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We just finished Sam Harris’s Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion for our book club last night. It was a spirited debate, which went a little something like this:

– Harris is self-centered, arrogant and off-putting.
– But you just don’t know him like we do.
– He condones drug use.
– And that’s wrong why?
– Religion does good.
– Religion does bad.

Wine was drunk, feelings were hurt, and someone misplaced their Diva Cup (for real). But we all went home agreeing on two points:

  1. We would all try to meditate more (at least more deliberately than zoning out for 20 seconds on the toilet).
  2. There was definitely a hidden penis in one of the illustrations in the book.

In the fourth chapter on meditation, Harris talks about how one British contemplative was inspired to describe “what it’s like to glimpse the nonduality of consciousness” (duh) after seeing a self-portrait by the 19th century Austrian physicist/philosopher, Ernst Mach, “who had the clever idea of drawing himself as he appeared from a first-person point of view.” And here Harris includes the drawing:

Now, maybe it’s a symptom of writing a sex blog for a living. Maybe our subconscious was at work in mysterious ways. Maybe, like the optic blind spot, there’s a phallic symbol blind spot that most people aren’t aware of, but sexually enlightened folks like us can see through. Or maybe we’re just seeing what we want to see. As Harris attests, the brain works in incredible, complicated ways. (We’ve juvenilely highlighted the dick in question with color below.)

Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion by Sam Harris is available on Amazon.com

How to Work with What You’ve Got (Yep, We’re Talking Penis Size)
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EMandLO.com M.V.P. reader Tony shared some excellent advice this week in response to our post, “Your Call: How Can I Compensate for a Skinny Penis?”

A male perspective here.

First off, you are not broken, nor does your penis size dictate that “you will be broken up with.” Everyone has a different penis (or breast) size, and what one person prefers may be very different from the next. I’m assuming that you wouldn’t tell a woman with smaller breasts that she is “broken” or that “she will always get broken up with”? Same thing.

Having an attitude that “I’m going to get broken up with anyway”, on the other hand, may influence your own thoughts, words, and actions such that you “get broken up with” for potentially preventable reasons. As the saying goes, change what you can (work on living as fulfilling and meaningful a life as you define it, and work on presenting your best self), accept what you cannot change (your penis size), and be wise enough to know the difference. Again, which would turn you off more – a woman with smaller breasts, or a woman who relates to you with the implicit or explicit expectation that she is fundamentally broken and that everyone will abandon her because of her breast size? I find the second to be far more off-putting than the first.

I also wonder if you are, like most of us, average in the size department. My understanding is that 5.5 inches is average, not unusually small. I don’t know what an average girth is.

I am unaware of any safe and effective means of penis enlargement, so I would skip that.

As for positions and techniques, learning the basics of a woman’s sexual anatomy and various positions would be an excellent place to start. There are numerous articles and books that go over this (including this website; I suspect that Em and Lo, amongst others, have written books on this. I’ll let someone else chime in on that).

Keep in mind that you are a person and not a sex toy, which means that sexual intimacy isn’t just about providing enough vaginal friction. Remember that most women need clitoral stimulation (which is irrelevant to penis size), and also that the G-Spot, if you believe that it exists, is only a short way inside the vagina. You also have other ways of pleasuring your partner – not only oral sex and using your hands, but massage, sensual touch, sensual conversation, etc. One comment I’ve heard is that lovemaking starts between your (and her) ears. Be mindful of friendship, good communication, being a good partner, etc.

If you were with a woman who was emotionally intelligent and mindful, a great friend, an excellent partner, and an interested and attentive lover who really enjoyed being sexual and sensual with you, would you say to her that you didn’t want to be with her because her breasts weren’t big enough? Neither would I.

Lastly, if you ask what she enjoys and show that you are interested and listening, I suspect that many women would be delighted to educate (and hopefully show!) you what works for them. Again, no two people are alike.

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The Thanksgiving Issue: Love in the Time of Turkey
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Wise Guys: How to Win Over His Mother at Thanksgiving
Don’t miss Joel Derner’s fail-safe technique for winning over mothers at the holidays!


Wise Guys – When Can I Invite Him for Thanksgiving?
Sage advice from three men who like turkey.


10 Ways to Win Over Your Partner’s Parents This Thanksgiving
“Engage in no more PDA than your partner’s parents do” — and other invaluable advice for the holidays.


Your Call: Why Didn’t He Invite Me to Thanksgiving?
It’s obviously too late to help this reader in particular, but the debate in the comments about when to invite a partner for Thanksgiving is evergreen.


No Sex? Deal-Breaker. No Turkey Together? That’s Okay.
Turns out, in the eyes of NY State law, that he’s only truly not that into you when the sex stops.


Turkey Cooking Tips for Better Sex
Cooking turkey and having sex have more in common than you think!

 

When It’s Okay to Ask a Guy to Buy Tampons for You
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Judd Apatow in the feminine hygiene aisle, via iwatchstuff.com

At what point in a relationship is it acceptable to ask a guy to go buy tampons from you? Our Wise Guys weigh in…

Straight Single Guy (Max): Ok. So there you are. Your girlfriend, who may already be SUPER cranky, has run out of tampons. At this point, I can dig the need to “go to the store” and get a breath of fresh air, but who is stupid enough to tell their girlfriend NO when they’re in such a state? MAN UP and buy the girl her tampons. I understand that a lot of guys are grossed out by a girl’s period, but seriously, get over it. How can you be so opposed to a product that keeps your girlfriend’s sacred nether regions from looking like a viking battlefield? (That was a little extreme, but you know what I’m saying.) I myself am an advocate of just putting a towel or two on the bed. In fact, I’ve always found it frustrating when girls won’t have sex on their period because they’re too self conscious about the blood. Assuming you take measures to protect against the transmission of STDs, what’s the problem with a little vampire role playing?

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): If he won’t do that for you, let him figure out how to suck his own damn cock.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): He HAS to get you tampons if one of two criteria are met: 1) you’ve been a couple for three-and-a-half years* OR 2) you’ve gone through some traumatic experience together. If it’s case number one, then you are right to require him to get over himself and pick up tampons at the store. He can hide the tampons in beer and magazines, with a whole load of groceries if he likes – coping mechanisms are fine. If he loves you at this point, he loves ALL of you, including your period. If it’s case number two and you’ve endured some kind of trauma together (getting in a bad car crash, terminating a pregnancy, being held hostage on a speeding bus that can’t go below 60 miles per hour or else it blows up)  – even if it’s in your first month as a couple – he should do anything you ask, no question, whenever you want, forever. Because after something like that, things get put in perspective real quick.

*Note from Em & Lo: For the record, dudes, we think 3.5 years is about 3 years too long to be feeling squeamish about buying tampons for someone you’ve been seeing seriously.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England . To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Your Call: How Can I Compensate for a Skinny Penis?
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photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Hi,

My penis girth falls below the average range, as it measures 4 – 4.5 inches around. My length is average at 5.5 inches. I was wondering if you have any sex tips to make the most out of it when in bed?

As we know a bigger girth creates more chance of orgasm for women. Do you have any suggestions on how I can cause more friction when inside, so I can be felt?

I know for a lot of women this could be a deal breaker, and I’ll most likely always be broken up with, but instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am trying to learn how to accept it and get on with life.

Thank you!

Skinny Malinky

What advice do you have for Skinny Malinky? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-17-14
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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If the art of seduction is like a fine wine, then you’ve been drinking too much Strawberry Boone’s. You’re about as subtle as a blonde joke. Watch how your friends do it: Trust us, they’re better at this game than you are.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll do you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When you’ve got a lot of hotties tugging on your pants and none are asking the annoying questions like ” Wanna go steady?” or “Where is this relationship going?”, it makes juggling seem like a viable option. But there is such a thing as too many balls in one person’s life. Pull your pants up and force yourself to ask an equally annoying question of at least some of your tuggers: “Why don’t we just be friends?”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Sag, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, embrace your inner sensualist and set the scene. Don’t worry about being labelled a soft jazz hippie; if you light a scented candle and break out the essential oils for a quiet night in with your partner, it’s like a tree falling down in a forest — no one will know. If, however, you put Yanni on the stereo, it is nothing like a tree falling down in a forest: Your neighbors will hear it. Hell, people can tell that shit just by looking at you.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s not your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool–that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

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7 Key Rules for Buying a Quality Sex Toy
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The Mona 2 -- a toy designed by our sponsor LELO that fits all our criteria below (cupcakes not included)

There are countless toys out there to choose from — unfortunately, not all of them will get you to your happy place effectively, or even safely. The sex toy industry, which is largely unregulated, is littered with manufacturers and distributors who are more interested in quantity than quality. Fortunately that’s changing, as consumers become more educated and demanding. So keep these 7 important rules in mind when shopping for a battery-operated friend:

  1. Say no to novelties. A toy labeled “for novelty use only” means “don’t actually use it on/in your body!” So unless you’re just shopping for bachelorette party decorations, don’t buy these “gag gifts.”
  2. Avoid toys made of cheap jelly rubber: they often have a strong odor, feel sticky, and are impossible to clean thoroughly (because their pores can harbor bacteria). The odor is caused by an outseeping of gasses from plastic softeners called phthalates, which some studies have shown to be bad for both the environment and your body.
  3. Choose non-porous, phthalate-free materials which can be sterilized, such as high-grade metals like steel and aluminum; seamless acrylic or glass; and, our favorite, 100% silicone – it’s hypoallergenic, boilable (as long as it doesn’t have any electric parts), dishwasher-safe (if your roommates don’t mind), and odorless.
  4. Read the fine print. Try to invest in toys that state what they’re made of, and include care and cleaning instructions. Unfortunately many don’t (usually a bad sign), so ask or email a sales rep for this info.
  5. Be selective about stores. Of course, you want to shop at retailers that actually have an educated sales staff who can answer such questions. These are usually smaller outfits with a kinder, gentler, more inclusive approach to sales (i.e. their marketing materials don’t exclusively feature porn stars), like GoodVibrations.com.
  6. Remember, you get what you pay for. A high price tag doesn’t always guarantee high quality. But anything with a price tag so low that it seems too good to be true, probably is. It’s worth investing a little in your sexual health and satisfaction.
  7. Don’t forget that lubes are toys, too! If you invest in only one bedside accessory this year, then make it a high-quality, man-made, water-based or silicone lubricant! It’s affordable, easy to use, and can improve almost any sexual activity for anyone, male or female. Lube can make things more comfortable for much longer for her, it can help prevent condom breakage, and a few drops on the inside of a condom can also enhance sensation for him.

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New “Fifty Shades of Grey” Trailer
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It’s like the tingly excitement you felt in your stomach as a kid as Christmas approached with the promise of your most wished-for present, except now that tingling is lower, the holiday is Valentine’s Day, and the present is the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. The second trailer was released yesterday and it’s already approaching 2 million views on YouTube!:

Not bad, not bad. But not great either: Too much dialogue betraying the lack of chemistry between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, and not nearly enough male toplessness. We can see more clearly that Grey’s hair is just not coiffed properly. Plus, it just doesn’t have the same suspense now that we know for sure there’ll be no full frontal on Dornan’s part — not even partial side, a la Affleck in Gone Girl! The first trailer was better: sexier Beyonce song, steamier innuendo, and just more hope:

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5 Phrases Women Need to Say More
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by Ms Brenda Della Casa for YourTango  |  photo via Wikimedia Commons
Never walk away muttering to yourself again.

Anyone who has ever walked away from an exchange mumbling the things they “should have said” knows the crushing defeat that comes with not reaching deep into one’s vocabulary and putting together that one punchline phrase that would embolden a boundary, silence a bully or crush an inner critic. Thanks to many stumbles (and plenty of practice), I’ve found five phrases that never fail in those trickier situations that too often leave us at a loss for words.

1. “That’s not going to work for me.”
We’re all told that compromising is a good thing, and it is. UNLESS it’s your health or value system. Take, for example, the time I dated a guy who told me “we can just use condoms” when I demanded he have an STD test (uh, no), or the time I had to explain to my boss that missing my girlfriend’s wedding in order to help him catch up on work he should have done the week before was not going to happen. Now, if you’re like me and abhor confrontation, don’t fret. It’s a fallacy that one has to be pushy to push back. A gentle-yet-firm, “That’s not going to work for me” supported by a brief explanation and an alternative solution will usually do the trick. Those who respect you will respect your honesty and boundary-setting. Those who don’t? Why would you worry about them?

2. “It’s OK for me to feel this way.”

I once spent an entire year feeling bad about a breakup. The first six months were spent crying over the loss of the relationship, and the next six months were spent punishing myself for the time I “wasted” crying. Uh, is there anything worse than feeling bad about feeling bad? Talk about a double-whammy. While it’s not always verbalized, the truth is strong people wallow, worry, cry, and get stressed, too. The good news is that there is often a breakthrough in those breakdown moments, and stress often leads to brainstorming new ideas as to how to deal with life as we know it. It’s when we are hiding under-the-covers and chasing our tail for a prolonged period of time that’s concerning (and if that is happening, reaching out for professional help is also a sign of strength).

3. “Do not speak to me like that.”
Newsflash: Bullies don’t just hang out by the jungle gym. They’re everywhere: online, in the supermarket parking lot, and sitting in powerful positions in the corner office. Worse, they’re bringing stress that far exceeds handing over your lunch money. I once had a boss who loved to belittle me. Whether it was my opting for heels over boots in winter or my latest “pedestrian” blog post, it felt as though she was taking notes to send to God to prove I was a total failure as a human being. I spent two years dreading her presence while trying to kill her with kindness, but nothing worked. Finally, after enjoying a full-blown panic attack in the company kitchen, I realized that it was time to take a stand.

Just as she began to dissect my outfit, I looked her square in the eye and found the courage to hit back with a powerful phrase that stopped her mid-sentence: “Do not speak to me like that.” The look of shock on her face was all I needed to know that I had just shifted our dynamic forever. I walked away and she never picked on me again. Since then, the phrase has worked no less than a dozen times to stop a drama before it starts. Bottom Line: Brutal bosses, passive aggressive colleagues, jealous frenemies and nagging neighbors who can’t say something nicely should not be allowed to say anything at all until they can do so like a human being.

4. “This is not about me.”
In my late twenties, I found myself in a relationship with an anomaly. I dated the only man on earth who was never at fault for anything, not even cheating on me. In fact, he did just about everything he could to convince me his sleeping with someone else was my fault for not supporting his career enough (say what?). His teflon-don approach to life and love was annoying to most of the outside world, but for me, it was utterly devastating. I wasted too much time trying to make sense of his nonsense instead of realizing that, while accountability is an essential component in all healthy relationships (including the one with yourself), sometimes you don’t need to take half of the blame—or any of it, for that matter. I finally accepted that his issues were his–and would remain his– regardless of who he was with and left. It was the best decision of my adult life. The next time you’re dealing with someone who refuses to compromise, communicate, or otherwise resists a respectful and healthy exchange, say, “This is not about me,” and remove yourself from the situation. They may not like it, but taking the words of someone who is struggling to find a lifeline in their current chaos would be a dire mistake.

5. “I am happy for you!”
Listen closely: Happiness begets happiness. Sure, it’s a bit of a zinger when your best friend meets the love of her life while you’re still swiping right or your  colleague drops twenty pounds while you’re struggling to get motivated. But understanding that someone else achieving their goals doesn’t mean there’s one less achievement available to you will make life a whole lot easier. The next time you find yourself with a desire to rain on someone’s parade (even internally), smile and tell them how thrilled you are for them and be inspired by their joy. They’ll not only appreciate your generous statement, they may even be more inclined to help you down your own path to happiness.

Brenda Della Casa is the Author of Cinderella Was a Liar, The Managing Editor of Preston Bailey, A Huffington Post Blogger and the Founder of BDC Life In Style. She is usually found in the gym hitting the speed bag to Eminem, having a wine-down with friends or writing with her beloved Chihuahua, Tony Che Montana, by her side.

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This article originally appeared on YourTango: 5 Phrases Every Smart Woman Needs In Her Vocabulary, STAT

Comment of the Week: Revenge Will Make You Feel Worse
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photo via Flickr

This week, Tony had some very sage advice about whether or not to get revenge on a cheating lover:

I’m in the camp of “skipping revenge.”  When I’ve felt vengeful and lashed out, I feel worse afterwards instead of better.  You’re giving extra time and effort towards someone who isn’t worth it.  Confronting him, telling him how you feel, and being clear that he isn’t worth any more of your time may be cathartic and would be fine, I’d think.  I certainly wouldn’t egg his car or hook up with his friends out of revenge.  Plus, by hooking up with his friends, you’re using (and potentially hurting) them as well as getting into relationships that you may not want to get into.  If they’re his friends and he’s a cheater . . . do you really want to be with them?

The other girl sounds quite immature, frankly.  How you treat your enemies says a great deal about your character.  Also keep in mind that however she treats him may be how she treats you in the future if she feels hurt or slighted by you.  If she’s willing to act out towards one enemy, she’s probably willing to act that way towards ALL of her enemies.  Enough said.

Lastly – you mentioned that this is the third guy who has cheated on you.  I do not want to engage in any victim blaming, but I would take a long, hard look at how and why you pick the guys you do.  This sounds like a pattern, and if you want to change the pattern you need to be self-aware, identify what’s going on, and change it.  I say this as a man who was in an abusive marriage and went to years of therapy afterwards.  One of the most empowering and liberating things that I have ever done is to compassionately look at why I made the choices I did that led to that marriage, because it gives me much more confidence that I won’t repeat my own pattern.  Again, this is not meant to blame you at all, but to encourage you to understand your past and claim your own power so that you can have a better future.

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Your Call: Is Revenge a Dish Best Served Cold or Not at All?
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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Hi Em & Lo,

Love your article “10 Things That Feel Better Than Getting Revenge on an Ex.” Although I completely agree with your points, I just found out my ex was cheating on me. The other girl he was seeing found me on Facebook and we’ve been talking. On one hand, I don’t want to give this jerk any more of my time or energy. But on the other, this other girl is insisting on revenge (making gay dating profiles, egging his car, hooking up with his friends… high school stuff). I know we’re better than this, but this is the third time I’ve been cheated on. He looked me the eyes and told me he would treat me right. That I could trust him… So I can’t help but want revenge this time. I’m sick of being the bigger person, even though I know it’s the right thing to do. I just can’t seem to walk away from this and move on.

He doesn’t know we know about each other and I think he at least deserves to know he didn’t get away with this. But what do you suggest, Em & Lo? And if it’s to be the bigger person… how did you guys find the willpower?

Thank you for hearing me out :),

— A Woman Scorned

What should A.W.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments below…

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-10-14
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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Buzzfeed reader. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious —- instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you live in the north of the U.S. like we do, there’s some unseasonably mean cold weather coming your way this week (they’re calling it the “Bomb Cyclone,” which we guess is supposed to sound a lot scarier than “Polar Vortex”). In other words, you should find someone cuddly and bunker down with them for the week. We’re thinking Olive Kitteridge (HBO On Demand), red wine, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. If you’re single, may we suggest you get on Tinder, stat, while it’s still warm enough to head outside and meet your blind date.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) -— get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your 5/10/15/20-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you will be a silver tongued communicator this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way -— we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial. Hi, Renee Zellweger.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores -— that’s coming straight from the stars!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

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