Let’s clarify that question: Can/should straight married people have opposite-sex friends? Which begs the question, can/should gay married people have same-sex friends? These questions were inspired by the following recent comment:
I have found that even though I’ve been married for years, I never spend time alone with my husband’s male friends, even men who are part of a couple that my husband and I are super close to. We can have plenty of friendly banter when the couples are all together, but the odd time when one of his friends has stopped by and my husband’s not home, the friend and I seem to have an almost stilted conversation, NEVER any of the playful banter that happens when we’re all together, because I think we’re both very aware of never crossing any lines…
— SS commenting on the post “Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife”
I have several guy friends…these are guys I think of as brothers, and never had even an inkling of romantic feelings for. I was always a teensy bit of a tomboy, so I hung out with guys way more than girls. My guy friends are the geeky type…a lot like me, but not the type of guy I am attracted to romantically. So my husband has never felt threatened by any of my relationship with them, and I’ve been the same way about the girls he is friends with.
In the long run, you have to be very secure and trusting in your relationship for it to work. I would never think twice about my husband hanging out with a girl. In fact a few weeks ago he went to the farmer’s market with our good friend Christina, and we joked about how they went on a date together.
Basically, yes…either trust or share sexually, which is a hell of a lot easier than one might think. In addition, it requires recognition that not all touch is sexual.
OTOH, my response to the original comment included the consideration that one does not have the right to demand that the other party give up their friendships. Were I the gentleman in question, rather than telling my wife that she had to stop talking to this guy, I might take a good hard look at why she is doing so? Does she see this as an annoyance that she puts up with because her SO has so few friends, and she doesn’t want him to lose one? We have only a one-sided analysis of this interaction…..is it possible that it is platonic, even if he might like more, but the SO is normally so jealous of her friends that she is picking here to draw the line?
In at least one case I am aware of, a platonic friendship, long-standing, ended up as much more…why? Because despite efforts to befriend both halves of the couple, the girl persisted in screaming jealousy. Unable to participate in activities as a couple, and equally unwilling to abandon 20+ years of friendship, meeting in secret eventually gave way to more.
Fuzzy, I agree that in a completely rational world we should trust our partners, and that if they do something to betray that trust, then we can choose to end the relationship, or whatever. In this world, my husband, for example, on a business trip, could stay in the same hotel room (same bed, even) as a female co-worker, and I shouldn’t be the least bit concerned because I trust him… Real life, however, is rarely like that, and unless you’re in an “open” or otherwise unconventional relationship, it is simply human nature to be jealous if your mate spends a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex (or stayed in the same hotel bed). Before I got married, I had a number of really good male friends, who I thought were “just friends,” and at some point the sex/relationship thing came up, seemingly out of the blue, I never saw it coming, and it made me realize that there can be a very fine line between really enjoying someone’s company, and wanting to make the relationship sexual. For anyone who’s experienced this, I think this is what leads to the uncomfortable feelings we get when our S.O. spends a lot of time with an opposite sex friend. Fuzzy, when you say “find someone you don’t need to worry about, or else decide to share” do mean share sexually? Because that really wouldn’t be an option for most people, myself included. I think part of this is about respecting your partner and honouring your relationship with them, and not doing things that you know make them uncomfortable (like flirting/spending tons of time with opposite sex friends.) That’s the thing about relationships, it’s not all about me, me, me, and what feels good to that person, it’s about what works for that couple, which will probably involve sacrifice on both people’s behalf. Like I said, this is just how I feel, and I guess I’d describe myself as “conventional” in the relationship department (one husband, no flirting/intense friendships with other men.)
Rachel…
Watch the non-trust thing. I have a dear friend who eventually broke up with his female partner because of the non-trust….
Again, if you trust them,it is a non-issue. If you don’t trust them, then why bother? If “stuff” has already happened….leave. Find someone you don’t need to worry about, or else decide to share….but jealousy will kill a relationship faster than infidelity.
Seashell, I think you’re right. Right now I’m trying to deal with the “female friends” thing, but I have some trust issues with my bf because of things that already happened.
If we both (mainly me) could reach the situation of being free of jealousy I think our relationship would be much better… but anyway, still working on that 😉
I’m married and both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex. Actually my husband is bi, so opposite or not doesn’t really matter (and ours has been his only monogamous relationship so there’s many, many ex-lovers on his long list of friends). One of my closest friends is my ex-husband, and my current husband has no qualms with it. In the end it’s not one’s partner’s friends that one should be putting their trust in, it’s one’s partner. In addition to simple trust of no physical sexual interaction (if monogamous), one should be able to trust their partner to ensure that their communications and interactions with ANYONE, not just their friends, are not in any way disrespectful to the relationship or their partner’s feelings. Of course both parties have to establish what can be considered disrespectful and exactly where the boundaries reside since such varies from relationship to relationship.
As for best friends, my husband is mine. However, whenever I refer to my bestfriend I’m referring to someone else. I feel it should be understood that one’s spouse is their best friend, and so making the distinction that some other person is one’s ‘second best friend’ is terribly unnecessary (among other things).
I’m not married, but I’ve been in a monogomous relationship for just over 5 1/2 years.
I have loads of male friends. I get on better with guys than I do girls. And the girls that I get on best with are the ones that get on best with guys.
Sometimes there can be issues, sometimes not. You just have to be really open with your partner and your friends. I think in SS’s case it’s awkward because she’s only really spent time with the guys as part of a group.
I think it is possible to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, whilst being in a monogomous relationship with someone else of the opposite sex quite successfully. You have to deal with the attraction thing if it comes up- you can actually end up with a stronger friendship if you come out the other side.
Re Rachel’s comment- I used to think that your partner had to be your best friend. And for some people it is. But I also think there is a healthy space for having a partner and a best friend (no matter what their sex is- if they’re your best friend, you were either never attracted to them, or you got over it), especially if you’re a very intense and emotional person. It helps keep all your friendships/relationships balanced if you have more than just one shoulder to cry on!
So one of my friends is bothering my husband….is he likely to actually sleep with her? If the answer is yes, and we are in a theoretically monogamous relationship, then my problem isn’t with her, it’s with him.
If the answer is no, then it is annoying, but a non-issue. If it bugs him enough, then he will make her go away. If it doesn’t…well…either a: he needs that kind of thing, and harmless third-party flirtation is just that—harmless. or b: he might just think she needs it, or I need her as a friend, enough to ignore it.
Either way, there are two parts to the issue: trust and the right of parties in a relationship to govern each other’s lives. I still maintain that most couples don’t immediately stop doing anything and everything that annoys the other person. This is one such issue…..you don’t grant one partner license to dictate what the other should weigh, for pity’s sake, how can you dictate friendships?
Fuzzy, so, you’d be okay with one of your girlfriends coming on to your husband/boyfriend? And if she wouldn’t leave him alone, and he was clearly into all the attention, it wouldn’t be a problem for you? I don’t see this as a case of “male privilege,” I see it as respecting the boundaries that are set by a relationship; like, if you’re married/committed, you don’t sleep with other people, and you also don’t flirt excessively or come on to other people, making your significant other feel like crap. I think it’s naive to think that relationships don’t involve sacrifice or compromise, and one of those sacrifices, in my book, is being sensitive to the fact that spending time with a friend of the opposite sex, perhaps with a lot of sexual innuendo involved (as was the case in the original post) can be really hurtful to your mate. Again, maybe I’m just not very evolved, but I think a relationship where a woman puts her friendships with other men before that of her husband/S.O., hmmm, doesn’t sound promising to me…
um, yeah.
whether I am married or not at the moment, at least half of my friends are male….some I sleep with, some I don’t….and again, my marital condition really didn’t enter into the equation.
Now: the comment is directed at a question in which the male member of a couple dislikes his female partner’s male friend, and wants her to stop seeing him.
WTF??
Everyone is happily chiming in that he should tell the guy to get lost. Darlin’, if my male SO told ANY of my friends to go away, there would be blood on the floor. Lots of it………
Male privilege much?
Chelsea B, how can your bf manage not feeling upset by the fact that other guy is your best friend and not him?
My bf says he has two best friends: me and a friend he knows since they were 5 years old (male, by the way).
If I wasn’t considered the 1st on the female list, I would feel jealous/upset for sure. From the moment we started sharing a life together I believe we share more things than he could ever do with his female friends.
Whenever I think about whether men and women can ever truly have completely platonic relationships, I always think of “When Harry Met Sally,” and whether or not you agree with this scene, it’s still pretty funny!
(And EVAN, sorry, I think the rule is, if you’re bi, you just get to have cats… 😉
Harry:You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally:Why not?
Harry:What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally:That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry:No you don’t.
Sally:Yes I do.
Harry:No you don’t.
Sally:Yes I do.
Harry:You only think you do.
Sally:You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry:No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally:They do not.
Harry:Do too.
Sally:They do not.
Harry:Do too.
Sally:How do you know?
Harry:Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally:So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry:No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally:What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry:Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally:Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry:I guess not.
Sally:That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Are bi people allowed to have friends at all?
My best friend in the whole world is a guy. A straight, good looking guy. We have ZERO sexual interest in each other. I told my current boyfriend (before we started dating 3 years ago) if he had a problem with my best friend, we couldn’t date. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my best friend in my life!
So I think as long as the boundaries are known and understood by both parties, it is fine and even GOOD for each partner to have opposite sex friends!
That fear of crossing lines with friends is actually one of the biggest reasons I like being polyamorous. Even when I’m only having sex or romance with one person, then, I never have to worry about those lines. They’re flexible! I don’t like what monogamy does to my friendships, especially since I’m bisexual.
I’m not sure how to overcome that within a monogamous relationship, though. I think it’s possible to be friends, but only in the kind of relationship where you can both openly communicate about your boundaries and then respect them. Maybe even make that a conversation with your significant other and said friend, so then you can all relax once it’s over and you know where the lines are.