Comment of the Week: How a Woman Can Enjoy Sex Like a Man

Reader Michael H. said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: How Can a Woman Enjoy Lots of Sex Without Shame?”

This is coming from this male’s perspective, take it as you may…

You are absolutely correct that society has a double standard. It should be an obsolete puritanical belief system, however, it still is alive and well to this day.

Without going into the biology of it all, which is not to say it isn’t important, because it is, let’s just say that society has come to accept that men are “dogs that will hunt,” and for the most part have accepted that. Where the issues arise is when the “hunted” enjoy the hunt just as much as the hunter so to speak. That just throws our male dominated perspective all askew.

I will tell you the same thing I have told my wife, and any female friend I have ever had. Get on the same playing field as the men. That’s the only thing that will ever change things. It’s daring, but effective.

How does one do that? Embrace the very game that oppresses you and let it empower you. I told my wife first off, establish that there is sex and love and don’t make the two synonymous, period. Can both be present? Of course, but that’s not the point. The point is to understand that the two can be mutually exclusive. So don’t be afraid to enjoy sex (remember this means sex even without love).

Two, keep in mind that society has even built in a “madonna/whore” complex by which men want their wives to be a pure as the driven snow, and their “whore” to be as driven as the seediest porn star. Keep this in mind only to establish that you want nothing to do with a man who honestly sees any validity in this system. This is one of the cornerstones of what is giving you an issue at this time. Focus on blurring that line as much as you can and finding the man that wants to help you blur it. You can be the good wife and the great slut in bed, who cares? I encourage my wife to embrace that side of her.

You may ask how a man could ask his wife to embrace her “inner slut,” so to speak. Well number one, those that find that completely distasteful, are most likely afraid. Afraid of losing control. They think that if their wife or girlfriend enjoys sex for sex’s sake, that she will now start banging every guy/girl that comes their way. That’s fear. That’s the thought that I have to keep blinders on my partner else she may find something better out there. That is fear pure and simple.

I remember telling my friends I had a totally different definition of whore vs slut. To me a whore really has little to do with sex. That’s about selling one’s self for gain, regardless. You can be a money whore, an attention whore…whatever. You are willing to sell part of yourself to gain something. I’m not judging per say but that to me is a whore. A slut is someone, pure and simple, who enjoys something to the point they want it and aren’t afraid to admit it, and will most likely continue to do so regardless of what others think. So embrace your slut, whatever it may be. If it makes you happy and you aren’t hurting anyone, than more power to you.

So all of this seems easier to say than do, but that is absolute rubbish. There are women that will completely disagree with me, and that is fine, but stop at the point you judge your fellow woman if she does not. You are getting puritanical and probably jealous. Why do you have to adhere to the confines of the madonna/whore trap if she doesn’t?

Many men will disagree with me as well, because they want their wives to be this, or be that, etc. No man, you are afraid pure and simple. And saying you’re not doesn’t change a thing. If you want a puritanical girl, good for you, if you want someone that thinks this is just so wrong and how could anyone be like this, than more power to you. This is advice pure and simple to someone who not only enjoys sex, but does not enjoy the double standard.

I say to you, bravo, and keep it up. There are many of us out here who agree with you and support you. Be you. Plain and simple. If that means you want to have ten lovers, never get married, never have children, never have the picket fence, or you want to have the dirtiest freeing sex with one man/woman the rest of your life and put up that picket fence (or tear it down) together, then great!

Onward you go, enjoy this life. We have a limited amount of time here, so let’s not worry about what others want us to do with it.

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  1. Johnny, blaming the patriarchy is not the same as blaming men.
    Michael, thanks for the unsollicited advice, but I am not unproud of my sexual encounters and desires. I was not trying to contradict your point in my comment but to add one (that’s why I started with “another issue”). I was trying to say is that to get to the “inner slut” liberation, separating love and sex is indeed necessary, but often, an effective way to get respect for a woman is to be sure there’s at least some care/respect on the side of the guy, which is something that you can’t always measure as quickly as you get horny. So to ensure that there is indeed that minimum amount of respect, women often end up having to “madonna” around and not put out for at least a little while.

  2. Being that I am the author of this particular comment let me say this in response to the responses.

    Being with a “sweet guy” has little to do with breaking this barrier. And in my humble opinion the sweet guy will not usually be the one to bring on this even playing field. My advice to this reader is take it on and be proud. Whether with one person or twenty. It’s sec. Who cares?
    This goes back my point….first step get over love=sex. Its about having fun and if that person doesn’t get you off for whatever reason…on to the next.

    Seriously…relax and enjoy…and be proud to enjoy. Men will come around. It’ll take time but hey us men are really chicken shit when it comes to an even playing field with a woman. Most of us learned what we know about women in about second grade and our growth stopped there. I for one encourage women….take the power…show us men what it’s all about. The strong secure men will join you. They’ll have to…that’s where the biology kicks in. See that’s the secret…women actually have the control already. Every man alive knows it….but many will never let the women know this.

  3. I’m not claiming that anybody is hurt by this. We’re talking about sexual frustration, not hurt. I’m also not willing to blame patriarchy for everything. Yes, women are less likely than men to achieve orgasm during casual sex. Women are also less likely than men to achieve orgasm by themselves. Whatever’s up with that, it’s not patriarchy.

    I’m also not saying that pleasure-seeking is foreign to women. But in my experience, women value the emotional reassurance that comes with the male orgasm more than they value the physical sensation of their own orgasm.

    I see that you’re big on concepts like patriarchy and oppression. Did you know that there are also millions of men all over the world who blame women for their problems? Personally I don’t buy it coming from either side. I think that individuals (in the society I come from, anyway) have waaaaay more potential for self-determination than than that.

  4. OK, so what I get from your comment is that stereotypes also hurt men, including you, as far as casual sex is concerned. And that the idea of seeking their own pleasure is so foreign to women that they’d sooner settle for getting the guy off than themselves. Fun patriarchy.

  5. No hurt feelings. But I think that article describes crappy sex, not oppressive sex.

    Women are less likely to have an orgasm than a man during casual sex, true. But – and I’m assuming you’re a woman here, correct me if I’m wrong – have you ever had a guy not come during casual sex? In my experience women hate that more than anything. They take it as a slap in the face, a direct repudiation of their desirability. I’ve had women practically beg me to come, because they couldn’t stand the idea of sex not ending in male orgasm.

    Men are used to hearing that women are orgasmically complicated, so we don’t beat ourselves up too much if it doesn’t happen for her. But stereotypes of male orgasm depict us, if anything, as two-pump-chumps and premature ejaculators. This sends women into a “what’s-wrong-with-me” tailspin when the guy doesn’t ‘finish.’

    On this issue I feel in tune with the female experience. It is not easy to get me off. I know what it’s like to have casual sex without getting anywhere near an orgasm. And I don’t necessarily have to have one every time. Doesn’t bother me. But it bothers her.

  6. ^ Please don’t say “fact” right before you say “straight sex tends to be oppressive.” That’s very much an opinion.

  7. Another issue for women who can’t seem to enjoy “meaningless” sex as much as men has to do with the fact straight sex tends to be oppressive, and will usually end when he comes. The only way to make sure he’s going to make you come is to be with a sweet guy. The easiest way to find a sweet guy is to take the time to meet him. And hence, as a woman, since you can’t be sure you’re going to come, not going to be cheated on whether there’s a condom involved, etc, you end up having to bargain your inner slut for a mild madonna.
    If you want to free more sluts, commenter, you have to become a tough feminist. And vocally remind guys that sex is also about making her come. Thank you.

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