Comment of the Week: How to Fall In Love with Your Wife Again

Reader John wrote the following in response to the post, “Comment of the Week: I’m Jealous of My Wife’s Friends.” It’s a long one, but stick ’til the end (just as he did, sorta) — you’ll be glad that you did!

About two years ago, I had mentally drifted away from my wife of over twenty years. It had gotten to the point that I felt I lost that strong connection we once had. We had spoken about it, but not made any decisions at that point (go forward, divorce, etc). And SEX had nothing to do with our issues. Quite the opposite, in fact. Our sex life continued to be outstanding, even right up to that point. But I got so disconnected, I moved into another part of the house, and contemplated divorce.

That’s when I started going out to bars and parties alone. During my travels to discover the perfect martini, I was seated at a hotel bar one night, minding my own business, sipping my favorite cocktail. Which is stirred, by the way (sorry 007, you got that wrong!). There was this kinda goofy dude seated to my right, and two attractive women seated to his right. I had never seen any of them prior to that night. The guy was chatting them up pretty vigorously, but I could tell by their responses, they were hardly interested.

I was surfing the internet at the time, on my new Kindle Fire, when one of the women farthest away, called over to me. I looked over and she said, “What is that you have there?” — referring to my new Kindle. I could see that she had that “Please come save me from this goofball” desperate look in her eyes. Rather humorous, I remember thinking. So, rather than trying to shout over Mr. “I’m from outta town” goofball, I decided to walk over and give her a demonstration of my new toy. Now the other women, on my left, was interested in the diversion my little device was providing. The goofy dude eventually got the message when no one was paying any attention to him.

As it turns out, the women on the left (A) was married, and the woman on the right (B) was in a committed relationship (living with her fiancé for several years). I had seen men hitting on women all the time regardless of their status. Not always in bars, either. The workplace, etc. You would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to think that happens all the time.

My point with all this? I wound up dating women (B) for approx. 8 months. Through my relationship with this women, I found out that this was not exactly uncommon. One of her close friends, also in a committed relationship, had been intimate with a man they had met during a convention in a hotel bar. I also found out that the friends of women B disliked her fiancé so much, they were setting her up on blind dates, even though they knew about me! Maybe it was the whole “he’s still married” thing. But so was she! She never divorced her first husband because of insurance reasons.

Needless to say, I had just bought myself a new set of problems! I ended the relationship after I found out about the blind dates. Yes, she could have refused to go, but she didn’t. These women were not slutty low life’s, you might be thinking right now. Surprisingly (or maybe not), they were all highly educated with advance degrees, and held administrative positions.

During this time, my wife was continuing to express a desire to fix things. She had started going to a counselor, and encouraged me to go as well, but I was very resistant. I decided that I needed to go at least once, for my wife’s well being. It’s been about a year since then, and we have been back together ever since (I mean REALLY back together!). I have attended many counseling sessions with my wife, and it’s been the best thing for the both of us. We really reconnected.

Yes, I came clean about my relationship with “B”. But I soon realized I was connecting (through just conversation, with the one exception being “B”) with women I hardly knew, to feel that newness, or freshness of a budding relationship. Ok, enough of my personal introspection, and analysis.

My wife and I decided to try some new things, toys, etc. to spice things up. Not that we needed to, but to add another dimension to our sexual relationship. It has really turned out to be the special relationship it always was. I had just stopped seeing it that way back then. Easy to do when you’re not looking.

So, in conclusion to this very long saga, I would encourage the writer to do the same. Seek professional advice if necessary. The bottom line: you have to discuss this with your wife, and let her know how you feel. But, going out every week, and taking yearly week long trips, all with single friends? After reading my post, does anyone see any red flags here? Kinda sounds like a former friend of mine from a few paragraphs ago.

Oh, and one last bit advice to the writer: be careful who you share with, or go to for advice. Everyone will have an opinion and be willing to tell you what they think, and what to do. For example; if there is something going on with your wife, but you decide to stay together and work it out, what do you think all those people who said dump her are going to say? Try to find that one person who will not judge you regardless of the outcome. And again, if all else fails, try seeing a therapist. You might be surprised. I was.