Comments of the Week: Do It When Everyone's Ready

photo by (nutmeg)

We got a TON of great comments on the “How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?” post, from Spes, SS, Madamaoiselle L….it was so hard to choose one! So we picked two:

Rhett Butler: Let me recast the question to illuminate it a bit more.  While the analogy isn’t perfect, let’s replace “sex” by “marriage” and reverse the gender roles and see if it makes any difference.  How long should a guy expect to be able to make a woman wait before he commits to marriage? He should make her wait as long as he needs to in order to be sure that she really is the one for him.  Conversely, it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to say that she wants to get married, and if it’s not gonna happen in this relationship, then she should feel free to move on.  The actual time frame is completely up to the individuals.  Whatever each finds reasonable really should be fine.  The same with sex.  We all enter into relationships with priorities, and it is up to each person to negotiate to see that his/her needs are met. Period.  Whatever they mutually find satisfactory is the correct length of time.  But let’s leave any notions like, “if he really loves you he’ll wait” out of it.  It is legitimate to expect sex in a relationship at some point.  And a man can reasonably weigh the chance that the relationship will work out against his immediate needs.  If he thinks his odds are too remote for a long term relationship, then he should certainly feel free to move on. That isn’t selfish, nor demonstrative of a lack of respect.

Dannie: Speaking of gender.  Let me say here that I’m not exactly 100% with the way we’re gendering this, that gals make guys wait for sex and men make women wait for marriage.  The sex of the individual is outside of the equation: one person is ready for one thing while the other is not.  That is it.  And I do believe that guys can take a stake and put time into a relationship for more than just sex.  If they are attracted to the person, yes, they will want sex–but they should also want their prospective partner to want it, too.  Furthermore, the idea that a woman would be denied sex because a man thinks she is not ready when she has decided she is just reeks of patriarchy.  Just as a person has a right to decide not to have sex, they have the right to decide to have sex.  And there is nothing wrong with either decision.

Read all of the thought-provoking comments on “How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?” here.