Comments of the Week: Friendship vs. Sex in LTRs

photo by prakhar

The following two comments were in response to “Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla — Is the Relationship Doomed?”

It’s Doomed, Says Amanda:

I have a guy friend in this situation. He is kinky, she is not. His experience makes me think you are probably a bit doomed. I asked him as a fellow kinkster how vanilla was working out for him. Initially he thought it was fine, he could give that up for a great girl, but it slowly wore on him. When she wanted to spice things up, his ideas were not well received to say the least. She had zero interest in his kinks.

So instead he substitutes with among other things a secret online personal ad (that says he is single, btw) he checks daily. It’s good that you are okay with his porn, but it can move beyond that and he will keep it from you.

Also, as someone who is into BDSM (but by no means a die hard) I will tell you those fantasies and desires never go away. Mine ebb and flow, but the idea of never being able to indulge that part of my sexuality again? That would be hell. If he has engaged in BDSM in person (i.e., not just online or porn), I can tell you it’s not something that is going to go away for him. Consequently the elephant isn’t going away.

If kink or anything else in your sexual relationship is already causing a disconnect ,it’s probably doomed. Sexual chemistry is what makes a relationship, not just a friendship. So what happens when you are a year in? Or two? When all that stupidly happy newness wears off. Are you guys really going to be able to (pardon the cliche) keep things hot in the bedroom if you can’t even agree on what’s hot?

— Amanda

Not Necessarily, Says Spes:

Friendship, not sex, is what keeps a relationship strong for 50+ years. Also, sometimes, though rarely, those kinks do go away, but not because they’re being denied or repressed — it’s an internal issue. I found myself in the awkward position of having the man who awoke my love of kink suddenly lose his interest in it. And when one loves to sub, it’s just plain weird to suddenly have to take the upper hand.

I agree with Paul and Johnny, talk to your S.O., consider some super soft BDSM play, and do just that play! Run naked giggling around the house and then let him catch you and put some loose fluffy cuffs around you wrists. Remember that dominating has everything to do with power play, so just the satisfaction that he knows precisely how to make you squirm with pleasure may be enough in and of itself for him. Doms don’t just humiliate and beat their partners, many also love to toy with their partners through pleasure not pain. And bear in mind this: in BDSM, the sub is really the one with the true power; they ultimately determine and set the boundaries of the dom. At their word (or other signal) they have the power to stop everything cold.

— Spes

One Comment

  1. My last relationship ended because he moved away but one of the things keeping me from trying to reconnect with him is his vanilla to my kink.

    It was something that had surprised me: the way he balked at the idea of BDSM and freaked out if I lightly bit him. I kept it vanilla but it was always missing something. In my first relationship the idea of kink never came up and in my second I got to try out the role of a sub. But with the third guy it was dismissed. And I felt like on that level (aside from others) we couldn’t connect and he was dismissing ME.

    In the end I think it’s individual, but I’m looking for someone who’s willing to at least explore my interests and hopefully enjoy them.

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