Confession: Hello Operator, Please Give Me My New Vibe

Cloud 9 from Babeland

A contributor friend of ours, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make:

One of the oft-cited benefits of buying a sex toy online is that you don’t have to see or speak to anyone. You don’t have to interact with a real human, period. But what happens when you lay out your hard-earned student cash on a brand new vibe and it doesn’t show up?

It was a happy day when I opened the Babeland box and found the condoms and lubricant sample pack I ordered… until I realized that the package was missing the most important item: my very first vibrator, portentously named Cloud 9 (and, even better, bought on clearance!). [2012 update: Babeland no longer stocks the Cloud, but they do sell hundreds of other fabulous first-time vibes!]

I nervously called the Customer Service number on the back of my shipping form. An automated machine picked up, with an official sounding voice. I immediately laughed, feeling goofy that I was calling a specialized sex toy shop. I pressed the extension and listened to some hold music. So far, so… normal. I can do this, I told myself.

“How can I help you?” a live representative said.

I told the woman something was missing from my order and gave her my customer number. She asked me to verify my name, and I did, guiltily imagining that she would somehow know my mom.

I blushed as I imagined her looking at her computer screen to see exactly what I ordered.

“What was missing from your order?” she asked.

I coughed.

“Um, the Cloud 9,” I whispered. Why oh why did I have to order something with such an obvious name? It practically screamed “girthy in all the right spots,” as the product information had claimed.

A few minutes passed while she checked the system. Finally, the lady came back on the line.

“So the actual toy is missing?” she confirmed.

I looked back in the box. There was definitely not a pseudo-penis-shaped vibrator in there. Unless it was a really disappointing specimen.

The lady kind enough offered to send a replacement at no charge. I thanked her and said goodbye awkwardly, as if we had just been on a blind date. And then I hung up feeling exceptionally pleased with myself. I had just demanded — and received — excellent customer with regards to a vibrator. I am woman, hear me… moan.


  1. If you think Cloud 9 is a giveaway name, think again. We’ve heard it all and we don’t bat an eye. Madamoiselle L is correct, sex toy company employees usually love their jobs and love to help educate the masses. We’ve been asked far more personal questions and usually treat our customers as if it’s no big deal that they just asked for the 10″ Kong Dong. Part of a company’s reputation is the service they provide, therefore you should only deal with the professionals and not the Amazons.

  2. The people who take care of the phones at Babeland and other toy shops deal with people buying sex toys EVERY DAY! That’s what they do. No one there will judge you, in fact if you didn’t buy the toys, or let them know when there was a problem, they wouldn’t have jobs.

    I am sure they are used to people getting embarrassed when they call, but as sex toys is all that most of these shop sell (a good reason to buy at a place like Babeland and not, say, Amazon) they are really cool with their customers.

    I had a toy BREAK (it was an uncommon flaw and it didn’t happen again) and I had to explain IN DETAIL exactly what broke on the toy and HOW it happened. I was prepared to be mortified to be discussing the way the toy broke to a HUMAN being on the phone, but the woman on the phone was so…….nonchalant about the entire thing, that there were no problems.

    And, how would she know you mom, unless Mom is shopping there, too. 😉

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