Our contributor Kristine deGuzman, a junior at UC Berkeley, has a confession to make:
It was my roommate’s 21st birthday a few Fridays ago, so my roommates and I decided to throw her a massive birthday party at our apartment. My boyfriend opted to chill in my bedroom for most of the night, while I mingled with the throng of intoxicated co-eds crowding our kitchen. Several cocktails later, I found myself considering hooking up with four different guys and one girl. At least. And every time I had even the slightest urge to stick my tongue in someone else’s mouth, I would go into the bedroom and slur to my boyfriend something along the lines of, “There’s a cute boy/girl in the kitchen and I sooo want to sleep with him/her.” He would respond by smirking, patting me on the back and saying, “Go for it.”
But then, of course, we ended the night getting into each other’s pants.
This scenario happens a lot in our relationship, and not necessarily during drunken party scenes. Some days we just come home and talk about the attractive people in our classes or clubs who we’ve developed schoolgirl/schoolboy crushes on, and then end the conversation with sex. For example, one time I came home rambling on about this cute guy in my French class who was quite the charmer, and my boyfriend, determined to show him up, managed to charm me out of my clothing and onto his bed. Crafty, no? And while other couples work out or go wine tasting together, we Facebook stalk our crushes together, almost as a strange bonding ritual.
Another borderline creepy activity that we like to do together while hanging out on campus (or anywhere public, really) is to comment on attractive girls and guys that pass by and decide whether or not we would consider dating them if we were both single (and bi). Most of the time our tastes in attractive people differ, but every now and then someone will pass by and we can both agree, “Oh yeah. That person is definitely worth fucking.” Yeah, we’re that couple.
I just feel like after a certain period of time, it becomes perfectly natural for people in relationships to be attracted to other people. The philosophy that my boyfriend and I have adopted can be summed up as, “Why fight it?” We have an implicit understanding that neither of us actually will act on these verbalized urges — we are both monogamous and know that sexual relations with other people are a no-go. We simply don’t hide these desires from each other, so there’s never any suspicion or speculation that the other is being unfaithful. And it’s made our relationship stronger. I know that despite the fact that he finds other girls attractive, he still places me above them all — and vice versa.
So what happens when couples fight it? I have a guy friend who’s been with his girlfriend for several years and he still can’t look at another girl without pushing the “meltdown” button in her head. In the beginning he tried to tell her about girls he had crushes on, but since his honesty led to some really dramatic break-ups, he’s decided “Ahh, well, ignorance is bliss.” They’ve gone through several “breaks,” and during each he’s managed to hook up with at least one woman, and his girlfriend is none the wiser. I suspect that the more he’s not allowed to even think of another girl, the more he does so when his girlfriend is away.
The idea that you can’t be attracted to other people when you’re in a relationship is just unrealistic and sets couples up for future problems. Human attraction is a basic instinct, and it’s really just a matter of acting responsibly. Just because you find yourself turned on by a girl or guy in the grocery store doesn’t mean your relationship with your significant other is flawed, and it doesn’t mean you’re an awful person prone to infidelity. I’m not saying everyone should adopt our brutal honesty policy, but I do think one day everyone needs to sit down with their significant other and just admit, “I’ve thought about screwing other people, but don’t worry, you’re still at the top of my list.”
To Unapproving:
I disagree with your perception that my boyfriend and I “settled” into our relationship. If we didn’t want to be together, we wouldn’t be. If either of us wanted to date other people, we would break up and date other people. It’s as simple as that. If we’re honest enough to discuss our attractions to other people, why wouldn’t we be honest enough to break up with each other if we didn’t want to be together?
Obviously we desire each other more than we desire other people, the point of my writing this is to explain that our occasional attractions to other people don’t falsify our relationship and primary attractions to each other.
To AlanK:
I understand what you’re saying, but the foundation of our relationship is not based on our physical attraction to each other, so the state of our relationship doesn’t depend on not finding more attractive people. We’re together because we’re compatible for each other — our interests, senses of humor, and hobbies just fit well.
Of course, I should probably clarify that I only share my crushes with my boyfriend because we’re both comfortable knowing about each other’s crushes. If he wasn’t comfortable knowing, or if I wasn’t comfortable knowing, this confession wouldn’t exist. I know that not all successful relationships depend on this kind of honesty, and I don’t think all couples should be as frank as we are. I just wanted to share how my boyfriend and I deal with these attractions and how we get past them together as a couple.
kristine Because breaking up is no guarantee those attractive people would want to be with you.I have heard many people that were bluffing about relationships like your and every single one of them flew with the other attractive people as soon as they showed serious interest in them.
I’ve been thinking about this, and the line “I know that despite the fact that he finds other girls attractive, he still places me above them all — and vice versa” is what bums me out. Apparently, once he finds someone hotter than you, you’re history… and vice versa, of course…. This is all reasonably harmless for now, but trust me: it’s lousy training for the rest of your life.
It kind of seems like you guys settled into this relationship because you couldn’t get with the people you actually desired.
Please weave some class into this post — I know you’re trying to be edgy, but mehhh
I’m definitely on the same page as Vivian and Jay Jay…. seriously, of course other people in the world are attractive, but I truly don’t ever think of other men sexually while I’m in a happy committed relationship.
And I think I’d be mortified if my boyfriend TOLD me he felt that way about someone else. Not because I have any self esteem issues, it’s just so not how we are. I’m not stupid, I’m sure he finds other people attractive, but why would you tell the person you love that? Ignorance is bliss, in my book. (on this topic, anyway).
I completely agree with Jay Jay- four years and we’ve never “crushed” on anyone else. Do I notice when someone is attractive? Yes. Am I attracted to them? No. I could never and my boyfriend’s the same way. Other people just don’t register in our minds, but I guess to each her own.
I dunno, the author of this post says that she would never have sex with someone other than her boyfriend, but would tell him she would want sex with other people. Usually it ends at that. If people want something they usually get it. She may get caught with someone, or her boyfriend will get caught, and this is when we’ll see if they are really committed to each other.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with ‘crushes’ and being attracted to other people, its a natural thing. But, once you admit things like this to your significant other, they may play it off as cute, and end with sex with your significant other, but deep down, they may feel a bit betrayed emotionally.
If its ok to talk about crushes and other people you want to have sex with in your relationship, then thats great, but then, is it a true loving relationship? Do you love this person, or are you loving other people, who you want sex with too?
Personally, I feel that all women or men who get caught up in jealousy over someone their boy/girlfriend LOOKED at wrong are considerably lacking in self-confidence. A certain measure of self-confidence is necessary for both parties to successfully maintain a long-term relationship.
If talking about crushes is the way you acknowledge active sex drives and observations of those around you, go for it. However, even healthy couples need to understand that sometimes people are attracted (weakly) to others….as long as you are #1 in your special someone’s life (I’m talking about committed people here), it shouldn’t be a problem!
I agree to a certain extent that it is nice when when you both can have an understanding that NOTHING WILL HAPPEN, but I feel it’s pretty rare to be on the same page about that. The whole “I thought about screwing someone else” mentality would be a no go with me though because in my mind, that you admitting that you considered it a possibility and what is to keep you from MAKING it a possibility next time? Additionally, there is a tremendous difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted TO that person. I find plenty of guys to be conventionally handsome and good looking, but when I am in a committed relationship, I never find myself attracted to anyone but my boyfriend. I understand that not everyone is like that, especially men, but I certainly would expect the same respect from my boyfriend when he is noticing other women.
Wow… I can completely relate to everything in this article – except that my boyfriend and I don’t verbalize our feelings so liberally! I really wish we could… I’m working my way up to that level. I’ve realized that I’ve been noticing random guys more and more which led me to wonder whether my relationship was on the rocks.
I recently admitted to my boyfriend that I’ve thought about “being with other guys”, which opened up a whole discussion about our long-term compatibility as a couple. We do love each other very much and I realize now that my attraction to other guys doesn’t undermine my feelings for him. It’s a tricky issue to delve into I suppose, especially if you’re dating someone who’s a tad more conservative than you are… I think I’ll forward this article to him. Thanks!
My husband and I always have crushes on other people. We talk about our ‘imaginary’ girlfriends and boyfriends a lot.
whats the point of being exclusive together then,to me it pathetic and just so fake
This sounds like the only kind of monogamy I could handle. Bravo to them.
Sometimes I wish we were like that. I know most people (myself included) are going to look. I could never tell him that anymore though! I think his self-esteem is a little shaky and sharing what I think of other guys (and girls!) would make it worse. EVEN if I put it like no matter how attractive I find someone else I would still want him and only him he would still feel not good enough for me.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two and a half years, and that’s kind of how we are.
^^ I mean, this article, not the site, btw. 🙂
I vehemently disagree with pretty much everything written here.