photo by TheNaughtyAmerican.com
Our contributor, who wishes to remain anonymous, has a confession to make (in response to the recent confession by another contributor, “Porn Makes My Heart Grow Fonder“).
I don’t like porn. Which strikes me as strange since not only do I love sex, I study it. But there’s just something about porn that turns me off. Okay, a lot of somethings.
Porn makes me feel awkward. Maybe it’s because our puritanical society has succeeded in convincing me that porn is the root of all evil. Or maybe it’s because of that time in middle school when I was watching a rated-R movie on TV with my parents and a sex scene came on. But porn makes me feel like a creepy voyeur sitting in the corner of a room while a couple has sex on the bed. To me, sex is something private and sacred (even though I admit I enjoy sex in public).
Porn scares me. When I was in high school I clicked the wrong link on a website and landed in a barnyard of bestiality. It was absolutely horrifying.
Porn bores me. In college, after I purchased my first dildo, I took a leap of faith and got a membership to an obscure porn website that featured role-playing (one of my favorite sexual indulgences). I masturbated furiously for a good three nights, but come the fourth I just couldn’t climax anymore. I suppose the novelty of it all wore off and the disenchantment set in. I got pretty freaked out that I was masturbating to a guy my dad’s age hooking up with a girl my age. That pretty much killed it for me.
Porn gives me second-hand embarrassment. I feel like I’m watching a high school play, the kind that sucks so bad you leave before intermission. The acting is so terrible you can’t help but cringe watching it. You sit there hoping it will get better, but it just gets worse. My boyfriend has shown me plenty of this kind of porn (he loves it) and I can’t help but poke fun at how overemphatic the couples’ screams are or how cheesy the dirty talk is.
Porn lies to me…and everyone else. It tells us female orgasms are easily achieved and anal never, ever hurts. It slyly suggests that women, by nature, are all secret lesbians (or at least bisexuals) who enjoy being taken — and taken advantage of. It convinces us that we don’t need to worry about the risk of silly things such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy because they simply don’t exist in that world. Not only does it get off on getting us off, it gets off on letting us off the hook of sexual responsibility. It has the power to influence our real sex lives and reinforce archaic gender stereotypes — and that’s dangerous.
Porn can’t fake me out. I know how contrived it is. My boyfriend worked as an actor in the porn industry before we started dating and the more I learned about his experiences the less attractive it all became. Stopping and starting constantly to reshoot scenes or adjust lighting or try different positions. He would often come home with a sore member thanks to “perfectionist “producers. The producers were demanding and disrespectful, not only to women, but to men, too. He explained how he was treated more like an object than a person. Plus he was paid to have sex — that didn’t sit well with me.
Porn makes my boyfriend annoying. I love him, but I can’t stand the constant questions like, What do you think about a threesome? Can I come on your face? Can we do double penetration? Can I use all five of our sex toys on you at once? Can we have sex while wearing masks? Now who’s treating whom like an object? It’s not that I’m flat against doing any of these things, I just want to do them on my own terms, when I’m ready. It gets tiring telling him this.
I can hear it now: Not ALL porn is bad; I just need to seek out better porn that works for me. But why? I’m happy with the sex I have. I don’t need to watch someone else having it…or faking it.
http://www.thepinkcross.org/
….Her`s the link
Porn is something that might seem pleasurable right there and then. But however, in the long run – I do not believe that it is a healthy thing.
– I`m not taking about pleasing yourself, but doing it to a – porn movie- . The person doing it, might not think much about it – I mean, it`s just some adult entertainment right? Okay, let`s say that the person using porn is`n t bothered by it. But what about the partner? What if it is so, that the partner gets emotional, psychological, – and physical problems because of it? Ever heard of Vestibulitis? It is a diagnosis that you can get `down there` , – coming from emotional/psychological sexual related stress. It means that for an example; if your bf are using porn, and you somehow know of it, – it can cause so much emotional stress, that it triggers that diagnose – which means you are walking around in more or less constant pain down there. Now, that pain compared to the psychological stress, the emotional stress – going through that – is a hell. I know all about it….and I have spoken with other girls who knows what I am talking about. Men can say whatever they want about how innocent porn is – that it is just entrainment, that it`s just for a quick fix when their gf is not at home….well – is it still okay, when she gets hurt by it – tells him about it, and he says he will keep it in the back of his head – only to lie, only to cover up the traces of his porn use? Is that really okay? Is it okay for him to take the easy way out – even though it means he hurts her? Being lied to by the one you love is hard. Is porn really that important? Cause if your feelings for your girlfriend matters the most, then you should not just keep it in the back of your mind, stashed away. Then you should do your best to not use it anymore. – Just gotta have it? Bullshit. You gotta have Love, water, food, and a roof over your head. Make love to your girlfriend. Tell her what you like, what you want. And – if it is so, that you – both – are comft using porn – together – openly then, you can do that – because you have agreed on that –
But if you have an agreement on not using it, then it is only right that you keep that agreement. Porn has ruined so much – think about all the `happy` porn stars…..those girls might look like they are having a jolly good time, but if you believe that – you are being a fool. Sure there might be two in thousand that think that being a porn star is a great `job`. (Even though I do not buy that one.) But the rest is struggling with emotional, psychological, and physical pain. And I do feel sorry for them. I really do. Some of them have managed to get out of it, but most don`t. – If you watch porn – you are supporting the most dirty industry in the world. Because you can never know, if that girl is over 18, if she is having sex out of her own will. You might see her smile while showing you her private parts, you might hear her `satisfying moans`- but behind all that is a girl in pain. Deep pain. It is just such a selfish thin to use porn – thinking about how many people who are being hurt -not least your girlfriend.
Keep that in mind the next time you are about to use porn. Here is a link to an org that helps people get out of pron, porn addicts, and people who are in pain because of their partner using porn :
Check it out if you want to ( I would rec. you to do that) and see what is – really – there – see what it does to people.
Have a good day.
I don’t disagree totally with your point about him objectifying you to a certain extent with all of the sex questions, but it does seem pretty one sided.
To say that you aren’t against them, but you only want to do them ‘on your terms’ is exactly what makes guys angry and confused.
The irony is, this objectifies men.
Let me explain.
Men constantly struggle to understand sex with women. Even men who are trying desperately to be attentive to their partner’s needs face the same barriers. Women seem to want everything, and nothing, all at once. They want you to be manly, yet tender. They want you to be confident and take charge, yet not forceful or controlling. They want you to be adventurous and try new things, but only when they feel like it.
This all leads men to have to constantly ask questions. Do you want to use the vibrator tonight? Do you want to put some porn on? Do you want to use the cuffs? And I’ll be damned if that isn’t good enough for you either.
And I mean, how sexy can you be when you’re firing off questions like it’s a pop quiz?
Because the bottom line is, what women want changes with the wind. Passing fancies with porn and toys and so on. And men can never keep up, but always have to acquiesce to whatever you want at any particular time, or we’re objectifying you.
Don’t you think only allowing certain things at certain times ‘on your terms’ makes a guy feel like a penis machine?
Why is it only you that gets to make the “it’s okay to be kinky tonight” call?
And if the only answer is to open the lines of communication, and your guy is already having to ask the nightly questions, who’s the one really impeding progress?
If you want masculine guys, stop cutting their balls off. We aren’t your man servants.
I adore this post! Hell yes.
I completely agree with you.
I admit I used to find it erotic, but after a while I realised that there is nothing exciting about watching bad actors having sex, no matter how ‘real’ their groans are or what type of porn it is.
Apparently they even use fake cum in most porn!
I found this hilarious.
Although I think this is pretty awful since most viewers would probably end up comparing themselves to the actors.
“Why can’t I make that much cum?”
“Why can’t my boobs be that big?”
“Is my boyfriend watching this because I’m not good enough for him?”
Imagine how many people would feel insecure about themselves after watching porn. I think it’s terrible.
I actually used to find porn erotic, visual, written, pics, sounds etc. Then about a year ago the “new” wore off. My BF of 11 years finally got his own computer and now looks at porn constantly, his new thing is some free home video site that he watches every day before he goes to work, soon after he gets home and just before bed. I am extremely comfortable in my sexual prowess and finding new avenues to explore but his fixation is a HUGE turnoff for me and at this point I am at borderline disgust/hatred for him and his damn pc. It no longer excites me and has even become a huge turn off for me.
alright when i read this i finally felt like someone understands me!
i even have my older sister and mother telling me i just need to give in to what our world has become.
i hate sex scenes in movies and i hate porn…
porn doesnt turn me on..
because watching someone have sex while in sitting there alone sucks!!!!
i dont want to masturbate!
I love sex with my husband.
always have always will.
i also hate sex scenes in movies because its showing our younger viewers what to expect.
my 15 yr old brother is a perv already!
and my younger sister at sex at 12 because that what movies are showing them is right.
and sex is private it shouldnt be in movies.
SEX IS PRIVATE.
its for when your married.
and plus sex is only to make babies.
dont abuse it and have sex with everyone!!!!
god will punish you
..its karma
I wasn’t suggesting exposing young kids to explicit sex videos – I just think it is odd that even very mild depictions of nudity or sex are forbidden while very violent or gory depictions are allowed. You would be hard pressed to keep your kids from seeing someone murdered, beaten up or killed in some manner on a lot of tv shows and even pg rated movies, but just show a breast for a second like Janet Jackson did, and there is a big commotion. I don’t think exposure to nudity is at all harmful to children (just the opposite in fact). I believe children who are shown that the body is not something to be ashamed of grow up with much healthier attitudes toward their own and other people’s bodies.
You make a very good point about hiding sex while seemingly promoting violence, Ralph. I honestly never thought of that. I will say, part of the reason that we don’t allow our young children to watch pornography with their parents is because it is sexually abusive (in most situations… the kids aren’t interested and the parents are using authority to force them to view sexual acts) and can actually lead to unhealthy sex lives. Parents have to walk a very fine line between exposing their children to knowledge about sex, and doing things that may be damaging. I’m not talking about what the Republican party considers damaging, but things which are (or very easily can be) psychologically damaging. Handing out condoms and learning the mechanics doesn’t fit in that category.
As an aside: I really have no intentions of introducing my future children to pornography… But I also have no intentions of allowing them to consume the extreme violence in the media. I agree with the correlation you draw, but I see both as potentially harmful to children. That’s just me though, and how I plan to raise my kids. If you feel otherwise, that’s perfectly alright with me.
OK, I’ll admit it, I love to watch films of people having sex. I think it is a healthy pastime, not at all harmful as many in the media try to imply. Although many would use the term “porn”, I don’t like that term because it implies something negative, unpleasant, or disgusting. I would use the term “erotic” to describe the types of films I like to watch. (Of course, it is very subjective and personal – what one person finds beautiful and erotic another person might find to be disgusting and pornographic). It is impossible to draw a line dividing one from the other – it is a whole continuum, from romance novels and romantic films to suggestive poses and partial nudity through the suggestion of sexual actions, all the way up to close up photos of explicit and unusual sexual practices.
I would use the term “pornographic” to refer to many of the scenes of violence that are more pervasive in movies and the media than scenes of nudity and sex. It has always seemed strange to me that sex, a human activity that almost everybody likes and engages in on a regular basis, is considered by mainstream America and the media to be something that has to be hidden, while violence, which most people will never engage in, can be and is shown many forms all the time. We all hope our children will grow up to have healthy, happy, and active sex lives, yet we try to hide it away from them. On the other hand, no one wants their child to grow up to commit acts of violence, yet we allow them to watch depictions of horrible acts of violence all the time, people being beaten up or killed in various ways.
So I like to look at erotic photos and movies. But I don’t just like any depictions of sex; I am quite discriminating in what I like and don’t like. I like beauty. I think it is beautiful to see attractive couples enjoying using their bodies well in attractive ways. If done well sex can be like a form of art, like dance, gymnastics, or skating. Many people like to watch other people who perform excellently in dance, gymnastics, in other sports, or in the theater. Why should it seem odd to like to watch other people who perform excellently in sex? Yes, it is normally considered a private act, but in the theater or movies, actors bare themselves in many ways and show us emotions and feelings and actions which most people keep private. Yet we still like to watch those performances. Throughout history erotic depictions of the human body and of lovemaking have been considered to be great art, from Japanese erotic paintings to Rodin’s sculptures. Now there is video, and it can be used to create beautiful erotic art too. Of course there is a lot of bad erotic video, just like there is a lot of badly done anything out there. From books to movies to dance or theater performances, the vast majority ranges from poor to mediocre. The same is true of erotic materials. Much of it is bad or terrible or boring. I try to avoid that, just like I try to avoid poorly done artistic content of any kind. But to throw out a whole category because much of it is poorly done makes no sense – I just try to find the directors, actors and plots that I feel present the subject well and in a beautiful and artistic manner.
So why is watching sex such a taboo? I find it hard to share that I like watching sex even the people I am closest with, my wife and members of my family. I have the sense that it would be looked down on or made fun of to some extent even though I know that they know to some degree that I like it. Most everything else I feel I can be very open with my family and be totally accepted. If I say I need or want to take a nap, go for a walk, go to the bathroom, be massaged, have something to eat, stretch, go in the hot tub, go for a swim, spend some time alone with my wife, watch some tv or a movie, read a book, listen to music, dig in the garden, clear some brush, or just about anything else, it would be looked on as normal and acceptable. So why is it so odd to say I am going to go watch an adult video for a little while?
AMEN!
Hey Elizabeth,
For a long time I wasn’t ok with my boyfriend watching porn. I would come home and find him looking at or jacking off to pictures of other women on the computer and I immediately would think, “What! I’m not good enough?” I felt like he was cheating on me with someone more adventurous and experienced than me.
I finally communicated to him how I felt about him looking at and masturbating to porn and asked him to cut back and be more discreet. We talked for a long time about it and since then he rarely watches it, but when he does he makes sure to finish up before I get home, which I greatly appreciate.
With that said, porn doesn’t make me feel insecure anymore. When my boyfriend is looking at porn (I know because sometimes I ask or sometimes he tells me) I don’t feel like he’s cheating. I am happy for him. Hey, if you can get your rocks off to THAT, more power to you, but just remember, porn is a turn off to me, so if you’re looking to turn me on when I get home, turn the computer off first.
I am really glad that someone else out there doesn’t believe that porn is like… a necessity for a healthy sex life. No offense to all of you who indulge, or anything. I just get sort of offended when I say that I am honestly not into any of it and then get told I just haven’t seen the right stuff. I’ve seen many different kinds, and like the author, even the types that did turn me on started turning me off after a few viewings.
Granted, I am one of those women who is not such a fan of her man watching porn – but honestly, it’s from the fact that I have dealt with having a relationship implode because of porn addiction. It’s okay… if it’s not a secret behavior… and very few of the guys I’ve dated have been open about their porn usage. But, I found a guy who feels the same way I do – he’s not such a great fan of it. It makes me curious as to whether or not the author is okay with her boyfriend watching pornography without her – if he wanted to.
“I’m happy with the sex I have.”
I think that’s the key here. Too many people try to push porn onto those who say they’re dissatisfied with what’s out there; in fact, as I was reading this, I was gearing up to fire off a dozen names of companies, studios, directors, and movies that might be more to her liking. But that line got me- if you’re happy with what you’ve got and don’t feel a desire to watch porn, that’s perfectly fine, too.
I think where it gets iffy is when people complain about or criticize porn and don’t add in that last line, so instead of us shrugging and agreeing, we get defensive, because not all porn is like the stereotypes, and because some of the great porn that gets made is ignored and fizzles out, never to get great distribution past all the porn afficionados. We just want people to know that, should they want porn, there is good stuff out there.
She makes a point when she says he’s complaining to be treated like an object and yet keeps asking the same questions again and again. I find it highly disrespectful, it’s just another way of pressuring her.