Confession: Student/R.A. Love, the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name


Our contributor Antonio Reis, a first year at Wesleyan, has a confession to make on behalf of his friend:

At 5:00 am, I wake up to the sound of fists pounding my dorm-room door. Groggily I get up and open it and am swiftly pushed back onto my bed by Sara as she bursts into the room.  Now I’m wide-awake and afraid of what’s going on.

“Guess who I just fucked!?” exclaims Sara*.

“Michael Roth,” I guess, knowing that the campus is in love with Wesleyan University’s president…

Sara shakes her head, smiles, looks me in the eyes and says, ” I shtupped Brody.”

“I can’t handle this right now.” I hold the door open for her to leave.

Why couldn’t I handle it, you ask? Well, for those of you who don’t attend Wesleyan, Brody* is a meek and mild Residential Advisor. With his Kermit the Frog voice and his perpetually perplexed expression, he jovially passes in and out of the halls, making his rounds before returning to his room. Brody was a good friend to his TK Sara, and thus a good friend to me. We enjoyed his ambiguous sexuality and his tendency of having panic attacks when confronted by a large workload.

So yeah, when I discovered one of my best friends and her RA were in the throes of passion, I was a little surprised. I have no problem with one of my best friends fucking her RA. While hall booty can be bad booty, I don’t think dormcest is all that bad. Sara and Brody live on different floors. It’s a go.

But what if Residential Life finds out? The ResLife employees are always babbling about something called “social justice,” the definition of which I’m not very sure, but for some reason I don’t think the aforementioned party’s love sessions are “socially just” in the eyes of ResLife.

I imagine the head RA, the Chief Resident, walking in and finding the pair in their dangerous liaison. Sara covers her bare chest with an open copy of her Abnormal Psychology textbook, whimpering as Michael shackles Brody with the handcuffs of “social justice.” Madonna’s Forbidden Love plays as Sara and Brody are forever separated.

Then Sara’s baby that she has by Brody is released into the tunnels under our dorm to live as Wesleyan’s Minotaur, being fed a freshman virgin at the beginning of each semester. Meanwhile, Brody is chained to the top of Exley Science Center to suffer a punishment a la Prometheus: the Wes Cardinal (our football team’s mascot) comes and eats his liver every day, leaving a gaping hole for it to grow back in the next day.

“Social Justice” accomplished.

Absolutely not! I’ll go apeshit if this relationship is broken up. So long as Sara is held to the same standards as her fellow residents, I see no issue with this love, nor should anyone else.

Too bad my sexy ass RA hasn’t spoken to me since I called her Mama Hen and told her I was her little chicky.

*Names have been changed to protect the whatever.


  1. I have honestly considered knocking boots with my RA. Problem is that I’m an Anthro major living in the Sports dorm. Not to say I’m not in shape but I just do not have that presence the rest of them do (that being egotistical d-bags).

  2. you know i used to really look down on any kind of student con authority figure relationship until i figured out that my grandma and grandpa met at a college that he was teaching drama at, and she was a student.

    you never know what will come of anything.
    BESIDES, RAs are like the least authoritative figures in schools anyways. You’re in college. Experiment and have fun. Just be willing to accept the consequences of being caught.

    it would be a rush to *eff* the RA anyways 😉

  3. tell me again why it’s bad to sleep with your RA? I don’t understand what the big deal is!

  4. The minotaur allegory is possibly one of the best/funniest things I have read in awhile.

    And in my old dorm, there was this RA who everyone had the hots for, and the lamest girl eventually got with him! Boooo.

  5. I am an RA as well, but for an all-girls dorm, where boys are not allowed to sleep. Thank god RAs don’t have roommates, no one can prove that my boyfriend sleeps over more often than not…

  6. Hahaha, that is priceless. When I will forever be remembered by almost everyone on my floor from residence in first year as the chick who fucked the RA (Gasp, he was my RA too, not from another floor). Oh, the rush of being together at ResLife social events, right under their noses, hoping not to get caught. Forbidden love, why are you so sweet?

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