Confession: The Top 10 Noises That Remind Me of Sex

photo by NOAA’s National Ocean Service

Our contributor Abby Spector, who is majoring in Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, confesses which noises remind her of sex:

  1. Weight lifting. I am currently visiting friends who live below a weight lifter. (By weight lifter I mean a scrawny college student who is hoping muscle milk will wash away his nerdy genes). At all hours of the day you hear a “huuuurrrggg” followed by the slamming of a metal weight against the floor. Huuuurrrggg….slam… huuuurrrggg….slam!
  2. Rocking chairs. Creek—creek—creek…Granny can get down and dirty too.
  3. The involuntary, ecstatic sounds that are provoked by receiving a great massage. Nothing comes closer.
  4. Eating delicious foods that make your mouth water and stomach jump with joy. Mmm—Ohh—God—That’s good—give me more!
  5. Trampoline jumping. Or should I say TRAMP-o-line? Bounce—bing—Bounce—bing…all at a steady tempo.
  6. A ruckus game of Bop-It. Twist-it—bop-it—spin-it—flick-it….(doo-doo-doo-doo-duh-doo-doo).
  7. The mating call of the humpback whale. It sends shivers down my spine every time. Awooo—awooo—awooo—ah—ahhh.
  8. The sound of a basketball bouncing against a headboard for 5 minutes and 22 seconds (the average time it takes to get out a good bang).  Bong—bong—bong.
  9. A studious, library-loving pupil deep in thought. The repetitive “hmmm…huhh…hmmm…”-ing, followed by the loud spank of a book shutting.
  10. The sounds of brawny men moving furniture. Erggg—ahhh—errgg—ssss—push harder…The combination of their grunts and the scraping of furniture make it sound like the making of a gay porno.

Abby Spector

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