Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
cheating and lying hurts. i may not have the “life experience” (since i am a lowly college student) but being cheated on hurts, and puts you at danger for diseases that I DO NOT WANT. I have the policy with every boyfriend that if you want to cheat in a specific moment, just take two seconds call me and tell me you want to do something else. break up with me. and go. It hurts to much otherwise.
I’ve read through the comments posted to date and it seems that the consensus is pretty clear. Lying for the sake of your own convenience is bad/wrong and lying to a spouse is a worse infraction than lying to a partner with whom you have a lesser level of commitment. I have no problem with any of that. However, the rather patronizing comment from Terry on March 18 refuses to let go. If by “you are very young and your experence in life very short,” the writer means that EmLo have clear expectations of honesty, respect and fair play then I have to agree. If something else is intended, then it’s clear that Terry is attempting to defend the policy of lying to a spouse because it presents a ‘path of least resistance.’ That is, at best, lazy and more likely hypocritical cowardice. An attempt to justify such a betrayal on the grounds that being forthright is too ‘cruel’ to your spouse is too much. If you’re not willing to sacrifice for them, they’re not principles. Guidelines or suggestions, maybe. Or else you’re just comfortable with a level of ethical flexibility that I am not. I’m not especially young and I have been around a little bit. I have experienced similar circumstances to those described by Terry. I chose to honor my commitments until a resolution was reached. Infidelity was never on the menu.
I have been with my Fiance’ for 8 years this June, We have 2 Children together, 6 & 4, I have cheated 1 time last year and It was because of alcohol, I felt terrible about it and told him the day after it happened, What made it worse is that my Fiance’ was passed out in my car with my youngest daughter, they were both asleep and I was being a SKANK persay, I know someone is going to call me that eventually so I said it. I am young, Im 24, he is 27, It was a one time F-Up, I have never felt so terrible in my life, I know I hurt my Fiance’, He cried and cried about it, and said I was a sorry excuse for a mom,woman,person. I have seen the guy that it happened with numerous times and the guy has talked to my sister and told her unbenost to me at the time that He does not remeber anything from that night.? I guess that could be the truth being he was Drunk also, I just know that it hurt my Fiance’ alot and I don’t ever want to do that to him again, I would have gained nothing and lost everything. Heather
The original letter was so ignorant, I almost want to think it is a prank. Great response, ladies! Up with honesty and communication. Down with lying skanks (and skunks)!
By the way, if you ever want to put your own marriage into perspective, read (or re-read) this amazing Modern Love essay in the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/08/fashion/08love.html
Now THAT”S a marriage vow!
I understand the fear of loneliness and abandonment, but as someone who has been cheated on, and as someone who understands how deeply that hurts, I just can’t be okay with that. I mean, really, How would “stray dog” feel if she found out that the reason her husband can’t get it up for her is because he’s doing it with someone else? In all likelihood, she would feel hurt, broken and inadequate. I mean, granted, I’m not her, maybe she’d feel relieved or something, but if it would hurt you why would you do that to your partner, who you are supposed to love just as much? My problem, and what I gather of Em and Lo’s problem is that these people are LYING to each other. If your relationship needs deceit to survive, why is it worth it?
On a side note: Matt, Pony play is a form of sex that sometimes happens in BDSM type situations (maybe others, but that’s only where I’ve heard of it). The “pony” or submissive person will use a bit, wear a saddle and reigns, etc. It seems a bit odd to me, but hey, if that’s what you like… 🙂
Kudos to Em & Lo for such a well-written response! I completely agree with every point they make.
I also find it endlessly amusing that the pro-cheating people keep pointing out that they are “normal people.” I don’t honestly care who is doing the cheating. If MY friends, teachers, or family were cheating – I’d disapprove of it then too.
Being my friend doesn’t make you infallible in my eyes. If someone’s a great teacher – they can still be a dirty skank who throws all principles out the window when things become less than ideal.
Lying to people is not the answer to your problems. When you get caught cheating – you’ll realize how it only made things more difficult. Stop making excuses and get some communication in your relationships!
GREAT post!
I also agree with Nora: Sometimes things are understandable with enough background information and a few miles in someone else’s shoes, but that doesn’t make them right (morally, ethically, you know).
Dear Lady Cha…er…Stray Dog,
How is Clifford doing these days?
You know cheating on you husband is one thing but does that person you are cheating on your husband with have a girlfriend or a WIFE? Too many woman are giving out free sex and doing it to men who are married with once happy sex lives until that other woman comes along. However when men begin to experience the change of life like us women they are unable to perform and think getting free sex will help thier problems. Hello it is not working!
Well said Em and Lo. I couldn’t agree with you ladies more.
“But Lacey–the ARE hurting someone. How do people not get that? If you’re lying to your partner and going behind his back, and doing something that would bother or even devastate him if he found out–along with the fact that he’d been lied to by someone he loves–then it’s hurting him.”
I agree with this. Plus these secrets are never kept. “It all comes out in the wash.”
But Lacey–the ARE hurting someone. How do people not get that? If you’re lying to your partner and going behind his back, and doing something that would bother or even devastate him if he found out–along with the fact that he’d been lied to by someone he loves–then it’s hurting him.
There’s always a chance that you’ll be discovered, and by doing something like this, you’re putting your partner at risk. There’s the risk that the partner finds out and is hurt. There’s the risk that other people in the town/friend circle/community will find out and gossip about it. One or both of those two things is more than likely to happen sooner or later.
But even if you’re so careful that you never get found out, it’s hurtful to the relationship itself. It’s selfish behavior, and trying to dress it up with moral relativism is pure bullshit. Grow a pair, actually talk to the person, and let them at least make the decision whether they want the relationship to be over or they’d be up for some kind of consensual arrangement. That’s showing your partner the respect and decency he deserves.
I forget sometimes that there are still people in the world who aren’t as open minded on all things sexual… it’s a pretty sobering thought.
I agree with Terrie and Sophie. Erin, the point that letter was trying to make is that your school teachers, neighbors, heck, even your own family members (and in some cases your preachers!) may be in this very same situation, but you don’t know about it. They are still your friends and confidents. Here is someone admitting to it, and you hate her for that, but what if she’s YOUR neighbor? Or your sister? Or your yoga instructor? I believe people are all basically good, but some of us have secrets. As long as we’re not hurting anyone, it shouldn’t affect our jobs, our friendships, fellow Em and Lo readers, etc. See my point?