Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
Is someone were to assault or even murder another person…would we be able to say “let’s not judge them, they must have a good reason for what they did.” You do the SAME harm to someone’s heart and soul when you cheat. In fact, some may say it might be worse.
If your husband isnt having sex with you……it might be a good guess that he knows your having an affair………
To Matt: Your 100% correct, and unfortunately I speak from experience. My BIGGEST regret in my life is hurting my husband. I couldnt look him in the eye, and act as everything was okay. Only a heartless person can do that…Thankfully, with counseling, and forgiveness, my husband took me back. This was years ago…and still TODAY not a day goes by that I dont feel guilty for the pain I caused him. Sometimes, just seeing him, I will look at him and I am crushed inside to know what I did to this man. I live every day making it up to him, and do it with pleasure. He is a good man, and nobody deserves this. You dont realize the devastation and destruction you can do to someone, and it’s not anyones right to do that to anyone. If you must sleep around, then unattach yourself now. It’s not YOUR choice to decide if your partner should endure the heartbreak. And, I ASSURE YOU THIS…they will find out, the truth will always come out, one day, no matter how careful, you will be found out. If I could change things, I would…for there is no worse feeling in the world, than seeing your spouse’s eyes when they learn of your infidelity. You will not ever know till it happens to you, and it is something you will have etched in your soul forever. I have paid a severe price inside my heart for what I have done…and it was so not worth it. Seeing the one you love suffer the pain that they do becuase of something you did…is just as bad, if not worse than being on the receiving end. It is The CHEATER who will justifiably be hurt worse in the end,….. You will not ever be the same again. I promise you that.
Matt: Finally a response with a little nuance.
On an other note: I am too in favor of legal prostitution, as Em and Lo. I just hope, for the sake of their logic, that only unmarried and uncommitted men and women would engage in sexual intercourse with sex workers…
Nicky, a major reason some of us don’t cheat is because of the guilt we’d feel. I couldn’t do something to my wife that I know would hurt her if she knew, and then sit with the knowledge of that, smiling at her and pretending everything’s okay. I couldn’t live with myself. I’d feel like a huge fraud just sitting across from her at breakfast, or any time we said “I love you.”
If you don’t feel any guilt, chances are pretty high you’re a sociopath. I honestly don’t say that as a judgment, just an observation. If you can do something to someone close to you that you know would hurt them, and then pretend like nothing’s wrong–with no guilt at all–well, that’s not something most people can do without great discomfort and private suffering.
Which brings me back to Em&Lo’s point: if getting this action on the side is so unavoidable, why not just get a divorce and spare everyone?
Also: Johnny, you’re leaving out one choice: DEAL with the feelings of attraction to others without acting on them. It’s not always easy, for sure, but lots of us do it, the same way we might avoid other temptations to act selfishly at work or in friendships or in other parts of our lives. Why should we always get everything we want, especially when it’s at the expense of others?
if you feel unwanted by your husband, i can totally understand.i admire you (a bit). there are many times when i feel the urge to cheat because i feel unwanted.but i just can’t do it. i’ve been taking my security needs for so long now.
B.S. What your spouse does not know won’t hurt them! You are all crazy in believing that strap ons and same sex f—-ng is ok. You are the sick ones and need to be judged. If my spouse is not giving me what I want I’m not leaving if I have alot to lose. Forget about permission, permission for what?!! My spouse would not be the wiser. Though I would not f my next door neighbor for fear that my behind may be busted. Don’t judge! You are doing and believing in sicker crap that will not get you or my cheating behind in heaven!
wow. some people just do not get it.
Cheating is never okay. Cheating because you need sex
is WEAK, SELFISH, and STUPID. All of you women who are justifying yourselves with this bullshit about it being better are just selfish.
I have been on both sides of this and I know that cheating is never okay.
NEVER, it is disrespectful and destroys relationships.
For many men (and women, but I won’t go into that), a lifetime of monogamy is a tall order.
The problem with non-monogamy clauses in relationships is that women are notorious flip-floppers on this subject. They’ll agree to it early on, because they want to seem kinky or whatever, then change their minds when they get their hooks in.
That means a guy’s options are either to never settle down, to settle down temporarily until he can’t deal with his constant natural attraction to other women, or to keep a family together while getting the occasional side-nook.
Until people collectively become less sexually possessive, cheating is often the simplest way.
Lacey, who’s talking about not loving their sister or not wanting to be someone’s friend? We’re just saying it’s a shitty thing to do to someone. I’m still friends with some people who’ve done shitty things to me in the past. That doesn’t mean I think the things they did were okay, it just means that I forgave them.
And just because something happens all the time with all sorts of people you’d never guess cheat doesn’t make it okay, either. We’re not talking about whether someone’s a good/bad person here, but whether or not a specific action is good/bad.
I can still love somebody and ask of them that they don’t cheat on me–even if that person has cheated in the past. Because I stay with that person does not mean that I am agreeing that cheating is okay, only that we all make mistakes sometimes.
You seem to be very confused about all of this. Your points don’t follow any sort of logic. But that’s okay, I don’t think that makes you a bad person.
Again, I think my point is being lost. Your sister could have cheated on her husband and never told you about it. You and your sister are not just relatives, but the very best of friends. You tell her everything, you share everything, you trust her and love her unconditionally. Then she confesses to you that her husband is no longer interested in sex, someone came on to her at work and she gave in. Do you still love your sister? Well, I hope you do. And you’ll never know about the school teachers or the softball coaches or your accountant or whoever. So they’d still be your friends. The whole point of the post is STOP JUDGING PEOPLE TILL YOU’VE WALKED A MILE IN THEIR SHOES. You may have a friend who tells you they cheated and you may decide that you can no longer be their friend, but another friend of yours cheated too, they just never told you about it. Therefore, they are still your friend. Fair? Nope. I have cheated. I am a good person. Em and Lo might like me, actually, if they never knew about it. See my point?
Wow. Sophie strikes again with her “stigmatizing” comment.
1) “stigmatize oneself” – I don’t know where to start in assessing that phrase
2) According to her logic, I think she’d see plenty of stigmatization of alcoholics and drug users happening in AA and NA
3) If I believe a behavior is morally wrong, how do I proceed from there without “stigmatizing”?
I understand that some people have experiences in the formative years of their lives that cause them to fight with all of their might to avoid facing up to specific situations. I’d call it a tragic flaw. But just because I understand it, and don’t place most of the blame on that person for it, it doesn’t mean I’m obligated to be friends with that person, or married to them. And I certainly apply the same moral code to them as I do to everyone else. Your own situation can never make cheating right.
Secrets will come out in the end because it’s only fair: Suspicious spouses/significant others will be totally justified in spying on potential cheaters. I’m talking account hacking, cell phone GPS tracking, hidden cameras, NSA-style wiretapping, private detectives, the whole nine yards. Because hey, if people choose to act without any ethics or consideration, why should they expect the ones they profess to love to live by any higher standard? Victims don’t have to cheat to retaliate. It’s just a race to the bottom.
Having been cheated on, I agree with Em and Lo. Lying is fraud, like it or not. It’s not fraud when all parties are consenting. When someone else changes the rules without the fully informing all the concerned parties, it’s fraud.
Classy column, Em and Lo.
I understand where “Straying Dog” comes from, being a former adulterous myself. I cheated because I was in a marriage that did not give me everything I believed I should have in a relationship. Let me clarify, I had an affair, just as this woman is doing. In turn, I was hurtful and malicious. I was deceptive and selfish. I was selfish. I was selfish.
Thankfully, I can recognize this fact and I can say I’ve truly grown from the experience and realize the depth and severity of my actions. Unfortunately, it seems as though “Straying Dog” cannot see this about herself. She is choosing to believe in a fantasy where her cheating is a way of life, and completely justifiable, when it is clearly not.
Of course being cheated on hurts, no one will argue against that. The point is, it’s no use stigmatizing people who do or who have done it, because stigmatizing is NEVER helpful. It’s not helpful to alcohol abusers, it’s not helpful to drug addicts, it’s just a waste of energy that would be better spent on dealing pain and suffering that are a part of life. It’s especially not useful to stigmatize oneself by spilling out a drunken one-night stand to a spouse and devastate him.