Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
I want to add that I would feel very differently if either he had lied to me or it was an extended affair rather than an isolated hook-up. In 8 years of being together, however, I don’t believe he has ever lied to me. This fact alone has made it easier for me to trust the sincerity of his commitment to me. At the end of the day, it doesn’t seem like a big deal.
I think many people have affairs (and to me, it’s almost by definition if use that word) for needs that go beyond just sex. If you are experiencing anything emotional and ongoing for a person other than the one you committed to, you are lying even if you haven’t been caught. This nonsense about people being your yoga teacher, fellow parents, vision of chastity, etc. is just a bullshit rationalization that betrayal does not make you a bad person. It does.
I just am not sure the sex alone makes you bad.
In November, 2004 I was using my partner’s computer to check election results as they came in because the TV channels were giving conflicting results. He had left something open in his web browser that made it clear he had had sex with someone else. We had people in our home, and I just couldn’t process it immediately. The next morning, in spite of the horror in the news, I slowly started to digest the information. I felt some anger but it passed. I thought I should feel indignant but it felt kind of manufactured. I knew he loved me. I am also a male and maybe am able to let it go easier because of some combination of knowing how easily it happens and the fact that gay men often make less of it. In the end, I never confronted him but felt peaceful with letting it go.
I did however do it a couple times myself in the years that followed. I didn’t go out of my way, and it didn’t seem like it was revenge-driven. But when opportunity presented itself, I took the previous incident to mean some sort of implicit permission.
I think he may still do it from time to time. I’m okay with it. I really don’t want to know either in general or the specifics. That would be hurtful.
After scouring through this huge compilation of comments, some of which I took with a grain of salt (“What your spouse does not know won’t hurt them!” Really, Nicky?), I must say I really did enjoy Matt’s comments the most. It makes sense- you lie to your spouse and screw another person, you’re fucking up the relationship. As for Married Lady, I’m glad that you are 100% against affairs, I am too; but to say that asking for permission would hurt your husband just as much as lying to him and sexing someone else anyway is just wrong. It’s an ugly subject but in the end, if your husband wants it to work, he’d much rather have the choice (and the chance to rectify the situation) then get screwed over (literally).
I will always be a faithful person, no matter if his manly parts stop working or not. Or if it was the other way and he ignored me. There are other things you can do to eachother as a married couple to “spice things up”. And even have an orgasim;-) I think cheaters are just sleezy, and trash. It doesn’t matter what neighborhood you live in or what income bracket your in Cheating is lying and that still puts you in the the catagory ~ trash, skank, slut gutter garbage!
I pledged when I got married to be faithful to my husband, I said nothing of threesomes and anal. So to compare sex with your own husband no matter how kinky it is to an affair is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. And if you were truly ok with the decision you have made to cheat then you would not have found it necessary to come on here and defend such “skank” actions.
I will not lie, I did to at one time have thoughts of cheating, things weren’t going good between hubby and I. BUT I loved him and respect him enough to go to him with my feeling and give us a chance to fix what what wrong. Guess what!! Honesty worked! We were able to address our problems and we now have a wonderful marriage and sex life, and I have no more urges to cheat.
So I am not saying it is wrong to think about it, or to have times when it seems like a good idea but your commetment is to your husband and family and that should be worked on first.
Lacey – I do NOT consider open-marriages and swinging “skank” because those are consensual. Even if it turns sour – they both went in with full awareness of what was going to happen.
I disagree with liars and weaklings, but coming to a mutual decision to have an open-minded relationship (of whatever sort someone might choose) is okay by me.
**sorry, I mixed up Nikky’s comment with others. Either way, my point is, yes, the bible claims same gender sex is wrong… but it also claims adultery is wrong. Again, adultery makes the ten commandments, same gender sex doesn’t. You can’t take one thing and throw out something else.
As a side, I don’t base my feelings of cheating on what the bible says, please don’t go yelling at that… I read it to decide whether or not I agreed with it.
niki … um, if you’re against the threesomes, open marriages, etc on the basis of religion (which I’m deriving from your comments about getting into heaven), then you should be 100% against adultery… because see, I’ve read the bible from cover to cover and there is nothing about threesomes and open marriages… but there is definitely a LOT about adultery. You know, the ten commandments and all. Now, I know religion takes that adultery thing to include threesomes and the like, and if you live like that then more power to you (I do, too, but I don’t care whether others do or not). But my point is, if you’re going to avoid the things that commandment is pushed to include, why are you not avoiding the act that it is OBVIOUSLY against??
Also, I would MUCH rather endure a divorce than have my LIFE endangered because of possible STDs and such. I guess that’s just a personal choice, though.
Oh, and, speaking from family experience, staying in an obviously unhappy marriage “for the kids” is much more hurtful to them than divorcing. Kids aren’t stupid and they can tell when something is wrong.
Married Lady: Exactly!
Mayhem – Just curious, do you consider open marriages and swinging “skank?” I certainly do. If watching another person get your SO off excites you, you’re skank in my book. Sorry, all. But swinging and threesomes and the like ruins more marriages than a secret lover ever will.
I am 100% against affairs. They don’t solve marital problems. Lying and breaking promises are wrong. But sometimes I think you have to acknowledge that doing the right thing is hard and figure out how to say that doing the wrong thing is wrong, but understandable.
I think it’s crazy to tell people it’s better to get divorced or ask your partner to agree to have affairs. Divorce may be honest, but it hurts people at least as much as being told their penis is too small or their hair looks bad. Divorce hurts kids. And a couple may love each other and have built a life and financial future together. Asking your partner to let you sleep with someone else may hurt them, too. Doing it even with their agreement may hurt them.
Basically, all the choices are going to hurt your partner – cheating on them, leaving them, or pushing for a non-monogamous relationship. On the other hand, truly not having sex is painful. Anyone who stands by someone in that situation is a saint. It’s what we should all do. But it’s understandable if people don’t manage it all the time – just not right.
If your spouse no longer is interested in having sex with you, don’t you call that being sold a bill of goods? Would you ladies feel any better if S.D. and her paramour told their respective spouses that they were going to go take care of business elsewhere?
Johnny, it’s possible to do what? Have an open marriage? That’s not what we’re talking about here. Anything consensual is not cheating. If you’re talking about an arrangement, more power to you. If you’re talking about lying to the person you supposedly love and doing something behind their back that would hurt them, that’s fucked up, plain and simple. (And cowardly to boot.)
I just think our need for fidelity comes from our basest emotions – possessiveness, jealousy, denial of our parnters’ inherent sexuality… Once we reject the first two, and accept the third, sexual fidelity becomes much less of a big deal.
It’s a huge mental and emotional leap, but it’s possible.
Good post, Em and Lo, and interesting discussion. However, I wish some of the commenters would brush up on the differences between “your” and “you’re.”
General comment, but mostly to those who would disagree with Em and Lo on this: go back and read what *exactly* they judge. They judge the person’s *actions.* There is a difference.
The only people they claim to judge are those anti-choice, anti-sex, anti-sex-ed people, and I would wholeheartedly agree.
Johnny, two quick questions: 1. Do you realize how many problematic assumptions and generalizations there are in your post? 2. How long have you been reading this blog? Rectifying the latter would certainly help the former.