Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
— Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
@Leah:
Please use paragraphs (TL;DR).
There are a lot of either current or future hypocrites here. 20% of people admit cheating during their marriage and 35% admit cheating during some relationship at some point in their life. Because many people won’t admit it, estimates of the actual prevalence of cheating are between 50-60%.
I’m surprised all you kinky people, who usually like to look down on people who are politically conservative for not being able to see the “gray areas,” and only looking at the “black and white,” cannot see that there are gray areas in marriage as well. Sometimes, even the suggestion that you’d “like to” have an affair would be enough to drive your spouse to harm themselves or to have a negative effect on their health. Despite what people say here, over 70% of people who have been cheated on did not know about it (or if they did, did not tell the cheater that they knew). Thus, in some cases, it is better to cheat than to “request an affair.”
The media has made the standards for romance and marriage impossibly difficult to live up to. This is why divorce is so prevalent today, because people think that their “everyday marriage” isn’t good enough and that they “deserve better.”
Cheating…..??? If you lose interest in the one you love enough to get to the point were you will have sex with your neighbor or anyone for that fact I wonder how you go about life with that constant reminder of being unfaithful!!!. Its a sad sad decision and Karma will get you in the butt eventually. Whether you end up single till your 90 or get hit by a car I believe karma catches up with you. cheating on someone is plain selfish AND RUDE no matter what the situation . I don’t think cheaters are skank’s. I believe they are people with major insecurities and major selfish morals and values.STOP thinking about yourself please and start thinking about your actions because in the end cheaters always in my right mind lose. The pleasures of trust and love are far greater than an orgasm. Common now orgasms last hmmm how long not very long love on the other hand love can last as long as you choose. Thanks for reading this and I hope any cheaters out their start thinking about other people rather than themselves.!!!!!!
I disagree with em and lo, its easy to point the finger and say someone is doing wrong or “sinning” or inflicting pain, what is much harder is to empathize with this individual, no one wants to hurt someone they love, but life gets in the way. so you say to leave him .. things are not so black and white and easy, u can fully love someone and yet fully care about someone else also, u cant just leave someone over sexual desire, and yet u cant live ur life with out it, i say rethink what your moral values are and try to be a little softer on your response, i find it synnical how you want to trash someone who trusts your views. I am sorry that this woman finds her self truly stuck, but you know what?…thats life, it sucks balls at times, and you have to make the choices your self, because they are going to affect your life, i do not condone this woman, but i fully understand her situation, and i hope she is happy, and at the very least loves those she is hurting.
My parents who have been together for 26 years told me something mind-blowing the other day…”Odds are,” said my mom, “the majority of people in relationships have cheated.”
I found this disturbing because my parents have always led of life of fidelity…but odds are there is more than they are willing to share. Odds are they cheated on each other. What it comes down to though, I think, is that cheating happens. Mistakes happen and sometimes multiple times and yes, there is a cost, there are consequences. Cheating is wrong, but when you cheat and you can realize it’s wrong, you have the ability to change your ways and be faithful again. That’s understandable. That in my opinion is admirable. But cheating then choosing to continue cheating and being proud of it…cheating and justifying it…cheating and bragging about how you feed your neighbors’ son peanut butter and jelly sandwiches then screw her husband…that is absolutely 100% FUCKED up and absolutely worth judging. Have not only some respect for your neighbor (the wife), but have some damn respect for yourself. You will caught and when you do you WILL realize what a horrible person you are. Enjoy it while it lasts, but prepare for the reality check in the near future.
Cheaters are liars. Marriage can be sweet if there is trust and communication but even if there is not, or he whines that he’s had no sex since the baby came along, she is a terrible person to scratch his itch and think being kind to the little boy and being hospitable to dad are both altruistic. Swingers who engage in consensual sex with like minded adults, who are open and honest and aware are quite different from nasty bags who creep around and service married men. If he’s gone three years without sex, he needs to get a pair and discuss that with his wife because she should be having sex with her husband. If she isn’t there are problems that can be made worse if infidelity rears it’s ugly head. It’s ugly, I know as the wife of a foolish man who threw me away for some cheap, tawdry sex with a neighbor who wanted to rock his world and did. We had nineteen years and were taking each other for granted but had no issues that could not have been dealt with if he had turned to me instead of on me. The affair devastated my life, my self-esteem and broke my heart. It was compounded by lies, refusal to take responsibility for his actions and I would not accept him as a victim, let him white wash himself, blame the skank, who was far from blameless but answerable to her husband and family. I told her what I felt about her and the idiot did come to have a huge crush on him, thought she was in love. I might consider payback a legitimate reason for cheating but someone has to start the cycle of stupid, destructive behavior and that freak gets to be the number one skank. I was insulted when told I should even the score so we could carry on. I married and vowed to forsake all others with earnestness and sincerity, no thought of a circumstance under which I would not keep the vow and I never cheated, avoided flirts and showed my wedding band to anyone who approached . I loved the ring, what it represented, no beginning, no end, eternal…. Very unlike marriage, my experience of love and I gave it back to him. He kept his. It’s engraved with our wedding date, my name, the word “always”. It wasn’t true but it fit better than “sometimes” or “until a lay becomes available. My husband encountered another one of his kind, offering a freebie he did not want to refuse. He wanted to believe he could not resist because men cheat as some biological imperative. That sounded good to him. I did not agree. The woman was responsible in all cases, as sex was up to her, giving her the power which made him unable to resist and made him a victim. Is that not as stupid as feeling altruistic for banging the neighbor’s man for any reason? Men and women who cheat do so because they are reprobates who meet their counterpart, an adulterous skank. Don’t do it if there is a chance it will be discovered. Cheaters give away the deception because an act of betrayal can be difficult to live with, to hide and even dyed in the wool liars who won’t admit a thing, may tip off a spouse. My husband told me to even the score. I was insulted. He was often suspicious and jealous of me and that too was a sign he was chasing tail. I was not going to cheat to get even. I was brokenhearted and grieving over the loss of a marriage, a man I did not have except in my mind. I have never had casual sex, was married for 20 years. I may do that or may wait for something more and devote myself to my personal growth and my children. I am free, no longer looking for the one, aware he was not the one, a soulmate or worthy of me. I can explore things I never would have as a married woman. I can become a swinger and buy sex toys for myself. The possibilities are endless. I would never sleep with a married man because I know that until he is unattached, he has no place with a woman other than his wife. I think women who find married men acceptable for sex, companionship or anything that violates his bond with his wife are terrible and shameless as are men who go for married women. His lover thought she fell in love with him and in her mind that sanctioned her actions as did blaming him for chasing her. He denied any emotional ties and blamed her for chasing him. In the end, they were so stupid and there are far too many men and women who chose to honor their commitments for any of us to sanction them . I thought he was one of the decent ones. He went to great pains to keep his behavior in the dark and that is a good sign that all of the nasty whoremongers know very well they are scum. All the protestations that it didn’t mean anything, was just sex, he was a victim, fell on deaf ears and 20 years with a woman who was his and his alone are lost and the anger, pain, grief and devastation will linger long after the thrill of being desired and the titillation of meaningless sex and sneaking around have faded like the laughter of his children and the companionship of the woman he knew would always be there, companion for life-until he thought hooking up would be harmless and he would not get caught. I caught him. I faced the fact that without trust, the ability to communicate the deeply painful feelings his actions caused and utter contempt for the idea he had no control over actions clearly he took and must claim as she must claim hers and own the destruction of her family. Of course, sleeping with a neighbors husband on Thursday is pure skank. Her explanation for why she thinks it’s okay, are the rationalizations, excuses and justifications liars use when they try to sell BS as legitimate reasoning. If it’s so alright, eliminate the secrecy and be open with his wife, who may have a different explanation about why she doesn’t have sex with him. He gave her venereal disease and she’s sure he sleeps with skanks and they must be doing some pretty nasty things if they’re spreading crud all about. Let me assure her she is indeed a bad person. She has no place in a marriage which seems to have issues. Let the couple work them out without compounding them by bringing an idiot who’s doing good deeds without discriminating between what is good and what is selfish, sleazy and makes her a common trollop. It’s admirable to feed the child but daddy needs to work things out with his wife or get out of the marriage before he takes her up on her offer for sex because he is not free and he has no right to partake of the easy neighbor just because she’s easy. Don’t believe a word he says about his wife either. He’ll lie to get a piece of skank tail. It’s obvious he’s a nasty SOB. He’ll cheat on his wife and kids with the tart next door. She’s a simpleton, puts out for married men and if he will do her, he will do a great many things decent people would look down upon. Decent people know whatever goes on next door, it’s wrong to do something as unsavory as servicing some man on Thursdays. If she’s married, here’s hoping some bimbo similar to herself is nailing her guy while she’s next door making peanut butter sandwiches. Let him correct his marital problems without compounding them and making them so bad they may have no chance. She should quit kidding herself that she’s anything but a morally bankrupt scumbag. She may not live in a trailer, a stupid statement that assumes everyone who does is trash and belongs on Springer when trash is trash and housing does not trash make but screwing married men and wondering why it’s judged negatively when open exploration with no victim and no deception is not, are excellent indicators that she is slutty and rather slow.
I have been married and divorced twice. My first husband, my high school sweetheart, was probably cheating on me when we were in high school. He cheated on me throughout our marriage but I blinded myself to it. Until I had enough. Then I got remarried about 2 years after my divorce. Same thing, different guy, but no kids, THANK YOU JESUS!!! The only good think I got out of my first husband is my three kids. No more kids from anyone after that (tubal ligation). My mother has five children altogether. Two girls from her first marriage, One girl from a fling turn live in, turn domestic violence, turn I’m gettin the hell outta here and taking my kid with me, and a boy and a girl from her second husband. I happen to be the daughter of the fling she had after she divorced her first husband. Ok enough of the life story. I’ve been cheated on, beat on, ignored, and verbally abused by my first husband and my second husband. I never cheated on either one of them. And I feel that after they had hit me, they deserved to be cheated on. But I still didn’t. And I DEFINITELY DO NOT condone anyone screwing around with someone else spouse.
OK…i’m going to say more about my situation than i have ever said outside of my own head…sex between my husband and i was never fantastic, but he is a great guy with a lot of wonderful qualities and we do love each other. he wanted sex more than i did and I was less than thrilled because it was more of a let down than anything else. I believed the good stuff was more important than the sex, and still do, and I hoped the sex would get better but it didn’t really. He obviously wanted more than I was willing to give and so he found a willing partner. I know that he is committed to me and our family, however.
Now, however, I am wondering whether I am cheating both of us. I hate the thought that he may be the last man I sleep with. We have talked about opening things up, but he has been resistant, claiming he is afraid I wouldn’t want him anymore. But he has to his credit given me “permission” to cheat. When I was still angry abiout what he had done, I was seriously thinking about exercising this option, but eventually decided it would seriously undermine my relationship with him, even if he did say it was okay. I am thinking that something discreet on the side would be the best way to proceed, while protecting my marriage and family.
While the possibility that I’d ever go through with this is pretty slim, I think my personal experiences stand for the idea that it is never black and white when it comes to infidelity especially in marriages where there are kids.
Dear Em and Lo,
I am ashamed to say that I am a cheater! While there were extenuating circumtances I completely agree with your opinnion on cheating and I am well aware that there is NO justification whatsoever. It happened 6 years ago with a work colleague, I eventually told my husband and he eventually forgave me. We are still together and our love is stronger than ever, however our relationship is a mess! To this day I am still racked with guilt, I feel I don’t deserve his love or forgiveness. I no longer enjoy sex as I feel I gave up that right when I cheated him, he would love to experiment but I am so uptight that I feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of being with another person. Now I know deserve to feel this way & I should for the rest of my life yet this is also stopping my husband from enjoying everything sex has to offer. We love each other to death and I just wish I could find a way to forgive myself so that I can give him all the wonderful things he deseves. Can you help me?
i have two things to say to this.
1) OWNED
2) DOMINATED.
that lady was super silly lameness and was put in her place!
Later all!
I admire your views on fidelity, etc., Em and Lo, however, I have to agree with S.D. and Terry. Marriages are not always so black and white. I am the product of a broken home because of a cheating mother, but before you go attacking her for her “skankiness” (do you think you could find a better word than SKANK?!) or infidelity, please let me offer a different perspective.
She had her reasons for cheating; my father was a psycho about money and was going on and off anit-depressants, so he was almost never in a good place mentally. I remeber things getting very violent between him and my mom at times. He was also struggling with weight problems, and I’m not totally sure because I was so young, but I’m guessing they were not having sex because if this or other reasons (however, as their child, I would much rather NOT think of my parents being sexually active, no matter the circumstances.) Either way, my mother started an affair with her boss (the steryotipical secretary-boss office affair), and carried this on for 4 years that I know of.
I knew about the affair the whole time it was going on, but never said anything to either of my parents about it until the very end because I didn’t know what would happen to me if they were to split. My step-sister (who I have no contact with because of the following incident) and I discussed what we thought was going on, and so she took it upon herself to inform her mother that her dad and my mom were having an affair. Thus a literal can of shit was opened a month before I was to start high school, and the only control I had over the situation was to tell my father of the affair…over the phone…while he was trucking on the East coast. I’m not totally sure why I did this, but I was 14 and panicked. Still, this is something that will follow me for the rest of my life.
Anyhoo, I thought this was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me, and I HATED my mother for what she’d done. However, I survived and life got a lot better and quiteter after the divorce was over. I lived with my dad after the divorce, but that only lasted a month as I soon realized the real reasons my mom left him to begin with. My dad and I had the same problems with each other as what led my mother to cheat on him. I realized then, as the CHILD from the broken home and the cheating mother, that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she did have had some valid reasons for cheating on my father. When I came to this realization, I too, left my dad.
I also had a breakthrough on the “Stay together for the kids” theory: IT DOES NOT WORK!!! If anyone should take anything from what I’m saying here, please, unless you CAN work it out together, DO NOT stay together for your children. It will never work and children are extremely perceptive creatures. They may not know WHAT is going on, but they will know SOMETHING is WRONG. And they’ll resent you when they are old enough to understand for destroying any chance they had at a happy “normal” childhood.
I also haven’t mentioned anything about the other half of the affair, either. But my step-father also had some very valid reasons for leaving his wife. Most of which, she was a straight-up BITCH.
Now, I realize you think that none of these reasons condone cheating on your spouse, but if you yourself were in such a position, having been married for 15 or 20 years in a loveless relationship, fighting constantly, and having to raise your children all at the same time, what would you do? You don’t know until you’re there, and until you do experience such a situation, I think you should keep your judgements to yourself.
Also, have you ever considered that everything happens for a reason?? Maybe things would be better the other, perhaps “wrong” way? You talk about Karma, well you should know she works in mysterious ways…
Wow. I can’t believe I read through all of these posts. But it was worth it. I have been looking for this exact conversation for the past 2 months. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone and ask how to deal with being someone’s potential mistress. So this has been cathartic.
The “relationship” (term used very lightly) is/was 85% emotional and 15% physical.
After falling head over heels for each other, he told me that he was on the outs with his mate (and they were living in different countries) when he found out that she was pregnant. 2 weeks later she was in the states in order to have her child.
He is following through with his duties but once the baby is born, the mother is moving back to her native land. They have 5-6 years of personal and professional dramatic history between them.
The intensity of how we feel (felt) for each other and the intensity of him having his first child, as well as how we both feel about integrity, truth and morals is just way too much to t hink about on top of living out our daily lives.
The first night we met he kept saying that he just needed 6 months. 6 months. But in reality he needs a year at least. Time to be his own person again. And I need to know that he can be truthful to his baby mamma now in order to not fear that he will cheat on me later.
It has been an extremely strenuous situation. One that no one ever teaches you the ropes for.
It isn’t so cut and dry “Just don’t cheat” because we didn’t have sex but it still feels the same. Shitty, confusing, manic, guilt-laden… the list goes on and on.
We totally were straight on the “no sex until single” topic.
But the emotional connection to me is even more debilitating. We are dealing with people’s spirits and their souls. Love is what we live for, right?
It’s supposed to be Sacred. Beautiful. Good. It’s all any of us want, right? The happily ever after? We have to remember why we got into these initial relationships in the first place. The spark. The magic. How can we function when we are split off in so many different directions? Which part of us is the real part?
As for my situation, the gentleman (because he truly is) and his baby’s mother have never been on better terms than they are now. They finally see eye to eye on something. That being going their separate ways while being there for each other for the baby. They are now (for the first time in over 2 yrs) in a calm place.
I don’t think that she knows about me (though he was supposed to tell her and I thought it best). I think he had a change of heart (and I did too but never told him) because of the baby. In this particular case – since they were already finished-and the baby’s health is involved, it seems wise not to tell her. IF they were to stay together, then yes. tell her- after the baby is born. But not now. This woman is very volatile. It’s hard to say what she would do …
I don’t know if I will be in the picture once this is all over. I sure hope so (since I found out what this guy is really made of and I am comfortable with his level of responsibility and integrity, etc) but I am just glad that I had the guts to make and agree to the right choices.
It’s hard to let go of love-if it is love. And I know that people get addicted to sex and to drama. That’s when we need forums like this to slap us awake or give us a nudge in the right direction.
I miss him every day but the pain of missing him is worth my self respect as well as how I want to view him, lead my life and be.
I never ever thought I’d find myself in the situation of being someone’s mistress. And I am glad to say that I am not. But the way the scenario was dealt really mixes it all up a bit.
Paloma-f that. maybe what you say is reason for the cheater to divorce you-depends. or to have a serious conversation with you about how much you want him around. it’s not an excuse to go behind your back. That doesn’t mean you can forgive him or her and decide to move past it, if you think the relationship is worth it. Many are. Or heck, it doesn’t mean you can’t say “I need an open relationship.” but it’s never anyone other than the cheater’s fault. There are more honest and healthier ways to get your needs met. and I say this as someone who has both cheated and been cheated on before.
I think I was like a lot of women who have been in relationships for a long time: more focused on my career, my own needs and my children than on my husband. Not excusing what he did, simply acknowledging that how I may have laid the groundwork.
The past two years have been tough: lots of tears, a separation, therapy, thoughts of retaliation and lots of talk, but I think we will survive. I certainly don’t take anything for granted now.
Point is, folks have needs, and if those needs aren’t getting met within the relationship, chances are they will look outside for satisfaction. Blaming “the cheater” and throwing the relationship away may not be the right thing.
^Does that mean you didn’t pay attention to your husband, that’s why he had an affair? Hummmmmmmm
I have been married for 19 years. My husband and I have two children and a really great life together. He is wonderful despite the fact that I found out two years ago that he had been having an affair with a former coworker for several years. This whole experience has made me reevaluate my attitude about infidelity, what is tolerable and reasonable to expect in marriage and what is not. It also forced me to acknowledge the role my inattentiveness and preocccupation with other things played in my husband’s decision to have an affair.
I think infidelity under the circumstances described in the letter is understandable. If you are unable to keep up your side of the marriage contract (the promise to “love” has a physical component) I think your partner is justified to seek comfort elsewhere. It’s not always as simple as leaving, especially when there are children involved. Sometimes a discreet affair is the best solution.