Dream Interpretation: I Can’t Stop Dreaming About My Husband’s Mistress

woman_bra_tiephoto by Xtina_Lam

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means (after the jump). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

Okay. First a little history. About two years ago my husband cheated on me and got the “other woman” pregnant. A lot has gone on since then and I remained with my husband. Now, I’ve never liked this chick from the beginning. So. After all has been said and done and we are all (sorta) comfortably pretending the others don’t exist, I keep having dreams about her. First that she lived in my neighborhood. Then that she would come to my house with her daughter. (She is NOT welcome anywhere near me.) Then that my family would invite her to family functions (never in a million years) then get mad at ME for getting upset with it. I dream about this once or twice a week and I wake up incredibly angry every time. I get that I have unresolved issues with this, but what’s up? Why does it keep invading my head while I’m sleeping?

–Angry Sleeper

Lauri: Eshet Chayil, my dear.  A woman of valor you are!  I don’t know that I could have stuck it through…but you did and so now we have these dreams to sort out.  Your dreams have progressed because your anger has progressed and your anger has progressed because the pretending is becoming less and less comfortable for you.  Reminds me of the song of the old woman who swallowed the fly and proceeds to swallow increasingly larger animals, each to catch the previously swallowed animal to the point that she finally swallows a horse and dies!  In the same way, this must be slowly killing you to keep having to swallow reality.

The progression your dreams are showing you is that this indiscretion which resulted in, basically, another family, is slowly but surely invading your normally peaceful state of mind.  While she is not in your neighborhood, nor in your home, nor attending family functions, the awareness and pain IS VERY MUCH in your neighborhood, in your home and at your family functions — because wherever you go, so does the pain.

Why does it invade your sleep?  Because you are “comfortably” pretending it does not exist while awake.  And what we ignore while awake rises to the surface when we sleep because it must be dealt with.  As long as the pain exists, so will the dreams.

Remember how Mom would always nag you to pick up your room, stop slouching, clean your plate and so on?  Well, your mom’s got NOTHING on your dreams!  Girl, they will nag you to death!  They will not let up until there is some kind of resolution.  Clearly, “comfortably” pretending is not working for ya.  Might be time for a counselor and some serious introspection because this is no way to live.  Good luck to you!

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. Anonymity guaranteed! And don’t forget: you can get access to Lauri’s free Dream Dictionary on her site.


  1. I’d say counseling is a good idea. I can imagine you are angry at “the other woman.” BUT, what I didn’t hear, (but is obvious) is your anger at your husband. That cannot be “comfortably ignored” and needs to be addressed. You are surely entitled to your anger, so, honey FEEL IT and go with it for a while. You need to address anger before you can dismiss it, if that is ever possible in a situation like this. That, with some counseling, is the way to go. Pretending HE isn’t the one to be angry at will, as Lauri said, will eat you alive.

    Good luck in your recovery.

  2. I have had similar dreams!
    Five years ago my fiance cheated on me! The woman he cheated on me with lives in the same town as us. It is a very small town so I am constantly seeing her. When I see her, that night she will be in my dreams! It drives me crazy-

  3. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you interpreting my dream for me. I realize that this is basically eating me alive. From the inside. So. Since I can’t talk to the other woman (if I go near hear she insists that I’m threatening her) I’m going to get a lil counselling. And honestly I don’t know how valorous I really am. Sometimes I think I’ve just kind of taken the easiest way with all of this. But no more.

    Angry Sleeper

  4. Hats off to Angry Sleeper, I doubt I could handle the situation. This advice is spot on – I learned from this wonderful Jungian philosopher that there’s no escape from our psyche – the pain, the disappointment, the fear there. The only thing to do to get over it, is face it.

    If you don’t, it will continue to haunt your dreams and probably start dribbling over to your waking life, too. Therapy, a down and dirty talk with your husband or even the other woman? Seeing the kid? All excruciating, but this won’t go away until you stare it square in the eye.

    Good luck!!

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