How to Talk Dirty Without Being Dirty

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A lot of people refuse to talk dirty because they are afraid of sounding stupid (see this week’s Wise Guys about what NOT to say in bed). But you don’t have to say things out of character, throw around more four-letter words than Gordon Ramsay, or speak in pornographic detail in order to verbally accessorize sex successfully. In fact, you don’t have to use a single swear! Sure, that makes the dirty talk a little less dirty, but it’s still effective–and with 57 percent less blushing! We never write down actual dirty talk on paper because something invariably gets lost in translation–out of context it does sound stupid. But we’re breaking our rule to show you how painless it can be. Think of it as kinder, gentler dirty talk. It’s all a bit cliche, but in the moment it works every time. So without further ado, here are the top mid-sesh lines for the lewdly challenged:

1. Familiar: “[Insert partner’s name here]. Oh, [insert partner’s name here].”

2. Positive: “Yes.” (repeat)

3. Directive: (while pointing) “Touch/kiss me here.”

4. Encouraging: “Just like that.”

5. Inquisitive: “How does that feel? / Does that feel good? / Do you like that?” (not all at once, though)

6. Demanding:
“Take off your clothes. / Lie down. / Close your eyes. / Turn over.”

7. Complimentary: “You are so hot/beautiful/sexy. / You smell/taste/feel so good.”

8. Pleading: (breathy whisper) “Please, now. / Please, don’t stop. / Please.”

9. Threatening: “Don’t move an inch/don’t make a sound or I’ll stop.”

10. Obsequious: “Tell me what you want. / I’ll do whatever you want. / I just want to make you feel good. / Do whatever you want to me, I’m yours.”

11. (Bonus line) Spiritual: “Oh, God!”

This article was also published in Metro