Our Job Application to Be “Frat Moms”

According to a recent article in Jezebel, the University of Michigan is considering placing live-in house directors in frat houses to maintain order, a.k.a. to control the general rapey vibe. Live-in advisors, more commonly known as “Frat Moms,” were big back in the seventies, but the trend has since died out. The University of  Michigan is thinking of bringing it back, and we’d like to nominate ourselves for the role. Here is our application for the job:

Dear the University of Michigan,

We are very interested in the position of Frat Mom. We think you will find that our resume (attached), speaks for itself.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

Em & Lo

Em & Lo

– Fifteen years advising the love-lorn on everything from booty call etiquette to safer sex.
– Fifteen years (each, approx.) of first loves, weird blind dates, over-drinking, disappointing relationships, dancing on tables and bars, did we say over-drinking, heart-rending breakups, etc.
– Nine years (each) of marriage to men who believe in equality in both the kitchen and the bedroom, and who are both recovering fraternity members.
– Eight years (each, approx.) of parenting two small children, including wiping up puke, teaching basic table manners, and instructing them in the meaning of the word “no.”

– Our book Sex: How to Do Everything was named by the Guardian newspaper in the U.K. as one of the ten best sex manuals of all time, along with the freakin’ Kama Sutra. And guess which one of those two is more relevant to college kids?
– Toured college campuses across the country with a one-hour show educating college kids on everything from reproductive rights to the correct way to have anal sex (retro flight attendant outfits were involved).

– We each completed a four-year college education, successfully avoiding both date rape and any life-long STDs.
– Self-educated in the subject of sexology (fifteen years, approx.).
– Field-educated in the subject of douches, playas, and other men who don’t call their mothers nearly as often as they should.

– Experienced in holding back our friends’ hair while they puke and confiscating friends’ phones when they are tempted to drunk-text an ex.
– Comfortable discussing everything from queefs to anal leakage in polite company.
– Impervious (finally) to the so-called charms of the bad boy.
– Able to order a pizza on the phone while simultaneously wiping someone’s ass.

– We are passionate about women’s rights, gay rights, comprehensive sex education, personal responsibility, honest communication, consent, safer sex, manmade lube, good condoms, flat-front pants on men, random ’80s pop culture references, and the buddy system.

Feel free to call our moms. Or our husbands. Or our four-year-old sons.

So how do we really feel?
Top 10 Things We Will Tell Our Sons About Sex