BigDudesStealMonkeys had a very thoughtful response to a vanilla woman married to a secretly kinky (and cheating) husband:
I have a daughter, and I would be happy with her doing anything that made HER happy. If that’s BDSM, then so be it. Some people enjoy that type of playful sex, and who the hell are we to criticize another person’s sexuality?
HOWEVER, you do not want to do BDSM. That’s ok, but as you realize, you will not meet his needs that way. The best thing for this marriage is for it to end. He’s obviously not happy sexually and neither are you. If he tries to repress these needs, then he will just act out later. He needs the excitement of the BDSM to be fulfilled, and you need the gentleness of vanilla sex. Both of those are fine. Neither of you is right about a sexual preference.
The only thing that should have been done different is that he should have voiced these feelings BEFORE cheating. That way you guys could have talked about it and either done it or divorced without you feeling lied to.
Just go ahead and quit while you guys are ahead because he cannot stop. You both deserve to be happy. Just do not let your anger bleed over to how you talk about him to your kids. The worst thing divorced parents can do is to insult the opposite parent. It is extremely common in divorces, and it is also extremely damaging to the kids. Both of you need to divorce like adults and then raise the kids separately. While doing that, you both need to be friends and work together to finish raising the kids. Please do not make your marriage troubles affect the way you guys parent. I dont know if this would even be a problem because I don’t know you. I was just making a statement about a common problem with divorces due to all the negative emotions both parties have.
Good luck to you and your husband. I hope you both finds what brings you guys happiness.
