Earlier this week we posted our poem, “13 Ways of Looking at a Wife Bonus,” in response to the news that some Upper East Side stay-at-home moms, married to hedge fund managers and bankers and otherwise rich men, allegedly get end of year “wife bonuses” for good housekeeping (amongst other things). We’re not the only ones a little bit obsessed by the news. It turns out the wife bonus even has its own Twitter handle, @WifeBonus. Here are some of our favorite tweets on the topic so far:
If I were gonna get a #wifebonus, I’d have to set the bar really low. “Kids get enrolled in public school.” “We adopt a dog.”
— Ms. Rosenberg (@Miz_Rosenberg) May 19, 2015
Do #dadbods pay better #wifebonus ?
— Charlie (@34bps) May 18, 2015
Not going to lie I make the best pasta everrrrrr #wifebonus
— Madel Moore (@MaddieMoore8) May 19, 2015
When I told her the #wifebonus was 100% $SRPT shares, there was a sonic boom as she packed her bags and went to MiL. http://t.co/edE2OpdqOa
— Zeb (@zebamy) May 18, 2015
The first rule of wife bonus is you don’t talk about wife bonus. #wifebonus
— Joseph Reed (@josephsreed) May 17, 2015
I’m trying to figure out the basis for my #wifebonus this year. I’ve increased my laundry numbers, but I’m way down on sexy lingerie time.
— kelley currie (@mackiesmama) May 17, 2015
A #wifebonus and #MadMen have more in common than you think. http://t.co/uc1UphPsaH @The_Broad_Side pic.twitter.com/rucwUviT0c
— Joanne Bamberger (@JLCBamberger) May 19, 2015
A dinner party where the men and women sit at different tables, now that’s weird. #wifebonus? not so much.
— Heidi Garcia (@heidicgarcia) May 18, 2015
Don’t make me use my #wifebonus to destroy you.
— American Housewife (@WhatIDoAllDay) May 20, 2015
I didn’t lose any of my kids today and fed them three meals. Do I get a #wifebonus now? Poor Little Rich Women http://t.co/GLRFm9Ck86
— Elyssa Friedland (@ElyssaFriedland) May 17, 2015
Haven’t brushed my kid’s hair for a week. No #wifebonus for me.
— Deborah Chasman (@DebChasman) May 18, 2015
#WifeBonus? Straight people be be cray. @karsonwithak
— Matthew Simko (@SoTacky33) May 20, 2015
Come on, the #wifeBonus has to be an urban legend. Where’s the journalist who’s going to take Wednesday Martin’s #PrimatesofParkAve to task?
— Florence Williams (@flowill) May 19, 2015
This whole thing is predicated on the idea that the husband and wife have separate money. With marriage isn’t it all shared anyway? So the wife gets a large gift at the end of the year? Isn’t that Christmas?
I get it. This blows my mind too. It’s WAY outside of anything that takes place in my world.
But the bottom line is that I’ll never object to a mutually gratifying arrangement between two consenting adults.
I just ran this by my gal.
I said, “babe, if I gave you a cash bonus at the end of the year for doing all sorts of wife stuff, like cooking and cleaning and staying hot for me, would…”
She popped up with a big grin and went, “bonus!?”
I said, “wait, hang on, this is just hypothe-”
She cut me off. “How much?”
“I don’t know, like fifty grand or…”
At this point I couldn’t stand to keep it up because she was getting too giddy at the thought of a bonus I can’t afford to give her. When she settled down and told me her real thoughts, these were her conditions:
1. She’d be cool with a bonus as long as there was no flip-side of financial punishment for falling short.
2. Quote: “if you gave me fifty grand I know exactly what I’d do with it. By next year I’d turn it into a hundred grand.”
3. She’d want her obligations clearly spelled out. It couldn’t be based on my whimsy. There would need to be a list of clearly defined and achievable criteria.
4. Being a bit of a perfectionist, she pretty much does everything right anyway, so why not?
As I type this she sulks because there is no actual bonus. Damn it, I should never have brought it up.
Is there not just a touch of sour grapes about all this? Because I’ll tell you my main feeling on the matter: envy. Green, ugly envy.
I wish I had as much money as those people. I wish I had multiple million-dollar homes and a hundred thousand bucks to toss my wife at the end of they year. If I could express my appreciation for everything she does with more than words or heartfelt gestures, I would. I’ve got a fantastic woman and if I had riches I’d shower her with them.
I wish I had so much money that my wife never had a care in the world and could devote herself totally to raising our kid and pleasing me. Which I believe would make her happy, actually.
And I don’t believe that most women would really rather bust their asses to make a mediocre living than be kept by a millionare. Sorry. Not buying it.
I mean, we assume there’s something insidious at play, but what if there’s not? What if it’s not just about the money, and those women just happen to really love a guy who’s filthy rich enough to keep them up in style?
I’m inclined to think those relationships are real, beyond the financial, because any one of those women could at any time ditch her husband and lay claim to the greatest wife bonus of all: alimony. Man. Instead of a bonus, she could HALF of all that shit, and pre-nups be damned. Those aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.
I just don’t have the problem with this that everyone else has. Or, anyway, I have a different problem with it.