The Top 10 Laws of Love in the Bachelorette Universe

The reality gods smiled down on us last night and blessed us with a bonus episode of The Bachelorette. Perhaps two nights in a row of juicy, ‘roid-fueled drama made it easier to decipher the strange laws of love particular to the world of The Bachelorette:

  1. All dates require a bathing suit portion of the outing. This is non-negotiable, even if it’s below freezing, even if you’re in a public space where no one else is in a bathing suit, even if you’ve never done a pull-up with your suitcase (stuffed with giant jars of protein powder) strapped to your waist.
  2. Good guys go home before jerks. Poor Christian! How could JoJo ditch a man with such a twinkling smile (he’s like a walking Ultra-Brite commercial), incredible self-discipline (3:30 am wake time for work outs?), and strong family values (his little brothers live with him and his mother is his best friend — no snickering, that’s legit sweet!). His totally classy exit only further confirmed she made a mistake. Stay Golden, Christian, i.e. don’t do “Bachelor in Paradise.”
  3. Middle America is your dream romantic destination. What happened to this show? Group dates used to take place in exotic locales like Iceland, Istanbul and Libson (and that was all in one previous season!). Now THE place to fall in love is Pittsburg???
  4. Appearing disinterested, avoiding eye contact and speaking with a flat affectation will get you everywhere with the ladies. JoJo was seriously vibing on Luke last night. But why? He seemed about as jazzed to be on his one-on-one as a third grader forced to attend a string theory lecture. Apparently not appearing overly eager (a.k.a. not giving a shit) is the best way to impress a Bachelorette.
  5. Being serenaded by a full band is totally NOT awkward. Just keep making out, and whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with the lead singer — it’s the Bachelorette equivalent of the Lost Ark!
  6. Dates involving football are necessary to create the right conditions for love to thrive. Apparently there’s just something about fighting over a woman by throwing a ball around made of pig skin that makes total strangers want to get married. Bonus points if retired athletes participate who will denigrate you by making sure it’s crystal clear they’ve never watched the show you’re on because sissy.
  7. Bleeding on a date is a bad omen for love. Especially if it’s a nose bleed. (See also #7.)
  8. If you’re called “a nice guy,” you aren’t worthy of love. Jojo described Evan, ex-cast member of Kids in the Hall, as “probably the nicest guy I’ve ever met,” confirming that he will inevitably be discarded like so many withered roses. She’s obviously just doing the decent thing and keeping him around slightly longer than Chad Bear.
  9. “Being a man” means something. JoJo said of Robby, “He’s a man.” This means something, though what exactly we’re not sure. Are all the other men on the show not really men? Is Robby somehow more of a man, and if so, how? Is it his ability to perfectly sculpt and balance a molehill of hair on the top of his head? Or does it have something more sinister to do with defining men in opposition to women, thereby making each gender an “other” and perpetuating harmful stereotypes about how women and men are “supposed” to be? (See “The Mask You Live In.”)
  10. If you whistle, you’re a psychopath. Beware the man who, in order to deal with romantic rejection, creepily hums or whistles…in the woods…like a made-for-Lifetime update of “Deliverance.”

See Our 5 Love Lessons from the Previous Episode of The Bachelorette