The Top 10 Celebrity Facebook Status Updates (We Wish Were Real)

john_mayerphoto by Julio_Enriquez

Thanks to the technological marvel that is Twitter, we don’t have to wait until Us Weekly hits the newsstands to find out how John Mayer is taking his most recent breakup with Jennifer Aniston. “This heart didn’t come with instructions,” he Tweeted on Monday. Deep shit. And then Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted in a “Facebook Addict” tee at a yoga class in Venice, California. Celebrities, they’re just like us! But if Jake’s shirt is telling the truth, his real profile isn’t public, meaning we can only guess at what his status update was later that night. (“Jake Gyllenhaal is out of body. Back in 15 minutes!”) Here’s what else we think is probably going down in secret celebrity Facebook land:

  1. George Clooney doesn’t care about the free sex pass your husband gave you — he still doesn’t want to sleep with you.
  2. Matthew McConaughey just figured out a way to masturbate while doing push-ups. Totally awesome, dude!
  3. Britney Spears can’t believe she only just found out about the Altoid oral sex trick!!
  4. Lance Armstrong can’t wait for McConaughey to show him his new technique. I’ll bring the beer!
  5. Angelina Jolie wishes you’d find someone else to fantasize about.
  6. The Jonas Brothers are starting to regret that whole purity vow thing right about now.
  7. Tom Cruise, for the millionth time, is NOT gay!
  8. Jimmy Kimmel needs a potty mouth fix.
  9. Jennifer Aniston can’t believe she actually had sex with someone who Twittered “This heart didn’t come with instructions.”
  10. Paris Hilton would rather be shopping than having sex right now.


  1. Ironically enough, I run a website dedicated to “fake” celebrity status updates. Be warned; a lot of it is poor taste/poor humor. But hey, it’s the internet. Everything’s funny here.

  2. I used to like john mayer until he started doing the whole social INYOURFACE thing. like talking to paparazzi. Now it’s just obvious how much of a douche he is.

  3. Ha, we were thinking the same thing, Josh. “Your body is a wonderland and I need a map…”

  4. You just know that cheesy “This heart didn’t come with instructions” line is going to be the title of a song on his next album, too.

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