Top 10 Lessons Learned from The Bachelor, Season 17, “The Return of Sean’s Abs”

  1. Never be a narc. It won’t get you laid or married. Ever. (We’re talking to you, Kacie.)
  2. If you want your music career to go nowhere, get booked on The Bachelor (even more effective if the couple you’re supposed to perform for breaks up before you strum your first note).
  3. If you’re going to an amusement park for a date, wear sensible shoes and an outfit with a sensible hemline, ESPECIALLY if your date is basically wearing gym shorts.
  4. “Accidentally” pooping your pants might actually be an effective way to garner sympathy and attention from a man (or at least Sean). For example, after the faux stairway spill and the fabricated baby breakdown in the club hallway, we were surprised this wasn’t one of Tierra’s later tactics. Future Bachelor contestants take note.
  5. The volleyball competition will now become the obligatory group date for every future season of The Bachelor. (Let us pray the same can be said for every future season of The Bachelorette.)
  6. Missing an appendage does not automatically make you an interesting person. (On that note, another tangential lesson learned: Just because you don’t have an elbow doesn’t mean you can get out of wearing elbow pads at the roller derby.)
  7. If you ever want to be truly, deeply loved, never talk about your inner “sparkle” to anyone. In fact, it’s probably best if you forget about your sparkle all together.
  8. Eating bugs is a great way to show a guy you like that you will put ANYTHING in your mouth.
  9. Don’t judge a book by its cover.* Who would have guessed that Sean’s last girlfriend was black, or that he, the life-long Texan and conservative born-again virgin, would end up picking the feisty part-Filipino tattooed vegan from Seattle? (*Of course, this lesson does not apply to situations in which the “book” in question is a contestant  on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. In those cases, judge away!)
  10. Bachelors who chose temporary abstinence are bad for the ABC show’s brand. This season treated Sean’s recent choice of celibacy like a secret teddy bear collection, acting like it didn’t exist, instead giving lots of sexy airtime to Sean’s special relationship with his bar of soap in the shower. And while we’re all for a little equal opportunity objectification (you know, just to help balance the scales a bit), we also would have liked a little more attention paid to the fact that a grown man with amazing abs and a gleaming smile actively decided to forgo casual sex. But oh no, that would waterdown The Bachelor mythology that all men have to have sex, that intercourse always happens in the fantasy suites, and that the power of the show alone miraculously turns these guys into faithful fiances overnight. We’re not saying abstinence is a choice everyone should make, or that some God should be dictating what you do or don’t do with your genitals, but being thoughtful and deliberate about your sex life, especially if you’re a straight guy in this society, is a nice change of pace from what’s usually presented on television when it comes to sexuality. Too bad ABC didn’t embrace it. Then again, this is The Bachelor we’re talking about — our expectations should be about as low as a pole at a Trinidadian limbo competition.


One Comment

  1. Your list of top 10 is 100% on the money. It will be interesting to see if this holds up in future seasons because if it does I will laugh so hard. This season was pretty interesting but looking back on clips of past episodes in my office at DISH they could have stepped it up a little. It will be interesting to see The Bachelorette this summer and I’m excited that Desiree will be the one. I’m still at work when The Bachelor airs but I can catch up on my evening commute on the train. The Hopper and DISH Anywhere make it possible for me to turn my iPad into a TV anytime, anywhere so I don’t miss out on my favorite shows. Now I’m prepared for The Bachelor whenever it airs.

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