Monogamy gets a bad rap these days — people say it’s unnatural, impossible, outdated, stifling. And, yes, sometimes it is! Especially if your wedding anniversary now contains two digits. But anything worth fighting for will usually put you through the ringer, and monogamy is no exception. So before your partner’s bad habits drive you to the brink of insanity or you start taking your fantasies about your hot, young mail carrier a little too seriously, let us remind you of 10 good reasons to keep fighting that good fight by staying true to your one and only.
Note: Please also check out our companion article, Top 10 Reasons for Being – and Staying – Non-Monogamous, in which we state: “Both monogamy and non-monogamy have their pros and cons; in both posts, we’ve tried to focus on the pros. Neither is an attempt at telling you how to be, but rather an encouragement of who you are and how you choose to be.”
1. Sex can improve with time. Monogamy isn’t just about marrying off before everything starts to sag. Age can also mean that you get to know your body better, you become more comfortable in your own skin, you leave youthful insecurities behind, and your partner learns your body so well they could navigate you blindfolded. Given enough time, you and your partner can discover untold routes to your happy place. Why would you want to keep starting from scratch and having to break out the instruction manual all over again?
2. Cuddling comes naturally. There’s no awkward pre-sleep shuffle as you try to find the best spooning position that will be comfortable all night. After years together, your bodies just naturally fall into place around each other.
3. Peace of mind about STDs. Assuming both of you are true to your vows of sexual fidelity, then you don’t have to worry about contracting any (or any more) sexually transmitted infections.
4. Freedom from relentless beauty rituals. We’re not saying that once you make a sexual commitment to someone for the long haul, all thoughts of personal hygiene and grooming should go out the window. In fact, the longer you’ve been married, the nicer it is to regularly gussy yourself up. However, the ridiculous beauty standards people — especially women — are expected to live up to these days are automatically lowered when you spend day after day after day with one partner (thank goodness!).
5. Open relationships are for an elite few. It’s the rare, highly evolved person missing the jealousy gene who can successfully navigate the complicated waters of relationships with an open door policy. We’re not saying it can’t — or shouldn’t — be done, we’re just saying most of us are mere mortals, ones who thrive from the simple security of the pair bond.
6. Cheating is addictive. It’s kind of like breaking the seal: after you’ve gotten away with it once, it’s even harder not to do again. You convince yourself that the affair made you feel more alive than you’ve felt in years, that it didn’t change your feelings for your spouse, and that what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Lies! First of all, the more often you do it, the more likely you are to get caught, especially as you get cocky about your sneaking-around skills. But more importantly, the more you cheat, the less you will respect your partner (for example, you’ll start to look down on them for being so clueless), and the less you’ll respect your own marriage. Eventually, you’ll start to view all human connections with a cynical eye. And what kind of life is that?
7. Monogamy is good for the world. Being a trusty monogamist is good citizenship as well as good karma: If you’re faithful to your partner, then that’s one less person that someone else’s spouse can cheat with. Monogamists pay it forward!
8. Kink is for couples. Dirty sex — the kind that might involve role-playing or spanking or a little light bondage — is best enjoyed with someone you love and trust completely. Letting a first date tie you up? Not such a good idea. Plus, the more domestic and settled your day-to-day life is, the hotter it is to break out the ping pong paddle at night.
9. Monogamy is meaningful. “Loyalty.” “Trust.” “Fidelity.” “Honor.” “Respect.” These are all just words until your actions either give them power and importance or deflate them. Monogamy isn’t meaningful because the church or government says so and it isn’t meaningful because you wore a pouffy white dress/crisp tux and said you wanted it to be meaningful. Rather, monogamy’s meaning expands with each day that you and your partner commit to it. And that’s some pretty powerful stuff.
10. Scrabble. Enough said.
I assume because of the capitals that you mean dying. No, if she were dying and couldn’t have sex with him, I’d judge him for cheating on his wife in her final days.
To Johnny:
What if the lover’s wife were Soon to
Be Gone? Would you judge her then?
Far from judging you, leighla, I think you and your husband and lover have done a great job of putting your egos aside and making accommodations for the sake of a relationship you want to maintain.
I DO judge your lover’s wife, who won’t have sex with him but also won’t let him pursue a sex life on his own. What a childish shrew.
I love my monogamous marriage. It feels great to be secure. We love each other with everything we have. We make it work! Remember when you stop trying it means you stopped giving a shit!!!!!
10 years of being faithful for the both of us. And yet I wish he would cheat!!
In the beginning Hours of foreplay and touching. 5 years probably and average 10- 15 min of foreplay. Now?? he rarely touches anything above the waist. When does he want to try to turn me on?? When I am making dinner and washing dishes!!I don’t think this is a fetish I just can’t get away. I keep telling him not to do this but he must think its funny.
He knows I don’t want sex anymore. He knows why. I have told him over and over I might as well be a blow up doll for the way I feel used after sex.
Yet he doesn’t want me to leave.He says he still loves me. But he keeps doing things that turn me off after I keep telling him to stop.
So you see sex doesn’t always get better. In my case it keeps getting worse.
And now that I realize it will never get better I am leaving.
I am just sorry I wasted so much time trying to be happy and faithful with a faithful but selfish person.
When I married, I planned on being a life-long partner to my husband. However, medical conditions have changed the way I view open relationships. You see, my husband (of 20 years) has low testosterone levels and sex is non-existent in our home; not even heavy petting or cuddling because he has no desire. I have been very supportive in all avenues of medical trials to see what, if anything, would help to no avail. Thus, for the past four years, I have been in a relationship with another man to meet my needs. I love them both dearly. My husband understands and has given the okay for me to be able to fulfill what I believe to be a basic need in everyone’s life. We don’t talk about it because he is embarrassed about his condition and doesn’t want to know who I am with, as long as it is safe sex (no STD’s), which is not a concern. My partner is also married, but his wife knows nothing of our affair. She is not open to the situation so we keep it quiet. You can call it cheating or whatever you like, but until you have walked a mile in my shoes, please do not attempt to judge me. My partner’s wife is not a sexual person so his needs are being met somewhere else, too. I do believe that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Afterall, she should have taken care of his needs at home.
I am sure that many disagree with me, and you have the right. I read the list and I can agree that the sex is better over time with someone who has a good sex drive. I have been on both sides of that equation – a husband with no sex drive who dodges sex at all cost due to the low testosterone and embarrassment of not being able to “perform” and the partner who has a thriving sex drive and is open to the many ways to enjoy sex together. The list is a good one, but I don’t think you have to be a monogomist to enjoy it. You just got to be who you are and be open to what works for you.
It’s sad that we have reached the mentality of the throw away society. The “its all about me” or the, “which ever way the wind blows” lifestyle is ever prevalent.
No one will ever agree on something that works for everyone. As the saying goes, that’s why they make chocolate and vanilla.
I have never gone along with the idea that the plural of spouse is spice. Isn’t it true that anything WORTH having, requires some responsibility?
Free things in life just never seem to quite make the grade,if its obtainable for anyone or everyone why would you want it? Better yet, why would you want the association with it? It does nothing more than create this continuous desire for something else to fill the void.
The idea or notion of being responsible for anyone or anything for any length of time today is an archaic way of doing anything by most standards. Comfortability can be very liberating. The notion that the same old body time and time again is boring, not so. I know that my lovers hands and touch are one of a kind and like no other. These are the things that drive a great relationship. The sense that knowing I or he belong to no one else, that is a damn powerful feeling. Take that kind of powerful emotion into a boardroom anywhere in this land of ours and see where it takes you.
I simply find that the sexiest man (my choice) alive is one that is capable of knowing what and who HE wants.
When we take the time to become responsible for who WE are personally, within that relationship it doesn’t leave anytime to judge the other person. We aren’t concerned about what someone else can give or provide us. Being responsible for the attitude and actions of the person in the mirror along with self respect goes a long way.
“Oh, THEY let me down, THEY aren’t as attractive” THEY…fill in the blank. We can make any excuse in the world to walk away, it’s the easy way out. No one ever is to blame, it’s always the other persons fault.
I do feel the writers understand the things that drive us in our relationships, so the list is a grin at best however, there is something to be said about the subject matter. To some, monogamy is a yawn. Simply said, I am happy in my monogamy, because, I know who I am. I work hard, and play even harder. When it comes to my personal, private life, my intimacy, I don’t play. Life is good!
Personally, I loved this article. All points listed are extremely valid.
That said, my husband and I are not monogamists, nor are we polyamorists, nor are we polygamists.
We have been married for over 16 years and together for over 18 years. We are primarily kinksters who enjoy a bit of swing on the side, and the people with whom we swing have been close friends for years.
I remained monogamist with him through approximately 12-13 years of our marriage before we decided to open up our marriage.
The benefits we have experienced in the past almost four years since opening our marriage up have far surpassed the entire 12(ish) years prior. But that’s “US”.
Never would I dream of telling another person, another couple, that they should consider making the choice, that we have made for ourselves, for themselves.
I simply don’t understand the need for debate. I don’t understand why people allow themselves to become upset and/or offended by articles such as this one, or take them personally when they are clearly directed at a very specific group of people.
We all make choices that we feel are best, for whomever we are, at any given point in our lives.
Why can we all not be confident and secure enough in whom we are, and in the choices we have made for ourselves, that we no longer feel threatened by articles that speak a different point of view and thus feel the need to defend ourselves and our choices to persons whom we likely will never meet and whom will never become a significant presence in our lives?
The people who want to be a monogamist, be it, and the others who want non-monogamy/sharing, etc, then be that. Don’t bash one or the other. It would be harder to find people who want to share other people, but if that is what you like, and can find someone that does it then great. Nobody can say one is better than the other.
I have been in an open relationship for more than 25 years. They have been married for 50. I love them BOTH. Why not just be true to who YOU are?
Interesting. An opinion piece on monogamy is posted and the polyamorous/open-relationship/anti-monogamists come flocking to the “debate” – which they create. But heaven forbid you support monogamy on one of their blogs or an anti-monogamy article – the mob is quick to respond with “if you don’t like the topic, then why would you read a non-monogamy blog/article?” Just absolutely interesting. As a monogamist, I found the article humorous and lighthearted. Monogamy is such a beautiful thing for those who choose to live it and are happy with it. To each his own. I don’t see the need to “get your panties in a bunch” over an article simply because it’s not what you practice. This post wasn’t intended for non-monogamists, why come here to bash it? Seems like an inferiority complex and a need to bang on one’s chest shouting “my non-monogamy relationships are valid, too!” I’m sure it is, but this article wasn’t written for you. Relax.
Shouldn’t we separate the sex drive from the psychological distortions of it? Sex is a basic need in my opinion but having different partners isn’t. Novelty and shallow sex will never trump the depth of a relationship done right. There are healing benefits in a sexually monogamous relationship. And a man who argues for open relationships and sex with multiple partners is simply selfish and objectifying towards women..we weren’t made for your sexual pleasure…we have other things to offer that you can benefit even more from. and women by their nature seek monogamy as security…and love. We are driven to bond. American culture has taken the love out of sex and we have lost perspective. Sex has been turned into a game. What about the bond and attachment of sex in a relationship? This is unavoidable for women whose hormonal reactions cause attachment. For many men this is true also. Our brains share the same rewards system. And insecurity/jealousy is a human emotion with evolutionary roots. The other aspects of a relationship are far more important than sex. And as far as “kink” goes…personally I am only comfortable experimenting with someone I love in the boundaries of a relationship. I have tried to use logic against myself but it always goes badly…I have experimented outside a relationship and found nothing good to be had in it. Sexual pleasure isn’t my goal in life. A happy monogamous relationship is. If the relationship is good then the sex can always be good. The rest is all in your head.
@Dan – Your argument does one thing that drives me absolutely crazy in the whole open/monogamous debate. One the one hand you want to say that we’re not naturally monogamous because people get divorced, etc. On the other hand, you want to say that jealousy isn’t innate, it’s just a learned fear and we would all be better people if we overcame it. Why the double standard? Why not work harder to overcome our lust for novelty and just sex over deep relationships and loving sex? Or why not admit that if you look at how people act, being without jealousy is unnatural. The way I see it, an open relationship is at least as unnatural as a monogamous one.
@Dan – Sex definitely improves with time. New things are exciting and couples can get in a rut, but there’s no replacement for someone who knows what you like and can go right to it. There’s also the love and trust factor. For some of us, perhaps mostly women, sex is just going to be better in a relationship that lasts for a while. Getting to look at a different body doesn’t mean as much as knowing that the guy is going to last long enough and hit the right spots.
I think their point about kink is a little different from what you’re talking about. It’s more about people who don’t have a strong fetish, but want to experiment or sometimes do things that are outside the norm. For many people, being with a partner you love and trust is going to make that easier.
@em and lo – about your list for the top 10 advantages of being in an open relationship – one thing that frustrates me in discussions of open relationships is that it covers so many different things. The advantages and disadvantages of being a swinger are completely different from the advantages and disadvantages of having two not-legal-husbands. From the point of view of a monogamous person, we are only allowed one definition – one person, lifelong commitment, no slip-ups allowed. So it seems to me that open vs. monogamous is like comparing apples and oranges.