Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 4)

photo courtesy of ABC/Christopher Jue

  1. When your date confides in you about their terrible, deadbeat, alcoholic father who abandoned them, do NOT respond with, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your father.” The appropriate response is, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your YOU.”
  2. Don’t tell your date what you think they want to hear — be honest about your thoughts, opinions, desires, and doubts (like Opera Singer/Child-Hater Sharleen).
  3. Similarly, desperation and over-enthusiasm will not work in your favor. Be cool, calm, collected and — while we’re at it — cautious and maybe even a little coy (again, like Can-I-Even-Be-Bothered-To-Be-Here Sharleen).
  4. On a date, don’t be a narc and whine about your fellow human beings. Narcs never get the rose. (Ahn-nyoung, Elise.)
  5. If you’re interested in kissing your date, don’t lead with “Do you know what happened earlier? I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I swallowed it.” (Somehow this worked for Claire, but it will NOT work for you.)

Finally, not a tip, but an observation: Kelly the “Dog Lover” should get her own Bachelor spin-off show, maybe an online series doing post-show commentary, because that woman has the best one-liners and zingers of the season. (On Claire making a big deal about eating a little tiny piece of South Korean octopus: “I know she’s swallowed bigger than that”; while doing an impersonation of Claire eating said octopus: “Oh my god, this is the most I’ve eaten in two weeks!”) Seriously, she’s making “The Bachelor” bearable this year.