Top 8 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (New Mexico Is a State)

from “The Bachelor’s” hysterical Twitter feed

Okay, it wasn’t the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (because there wasn’t one), but it was the most dramatic episode of this season so far, for sure.  The Emmy for Best Actress in a Reality Show should go to either Britt (“I want 100 kids! I’m an Angelina-Jolie-hot waitress in Hollywood. but I will totally move to Boonies, USA for this doorknob.”) and Kelsey (“I’m not insane, this is a real panic attack! My husband mysteriously died from….congenital heart failure? Yeah, that’s the ticket!”). There was also the MOST AWKWARD DATE EVER with a new-agey love guru basically encouraging date rape, along with a great behind-the-scenes hotel room bitch fest (Ashley I Wanna Be a Kardashian vs. Whitney Nails on Chalkboard). It’s only a matter of time before Prince Farming punches a hole in the wall — we’re placing bets and holding our breath! In the meantime, let’s review the important life lessons about love and dating from last night’s episode of “The Bachelor”:

  1. We’re sex writers. We’ve talked publicly about oral sex, anal play, even fisting. But even we have a problem using the word “juiciness” when speaking about romantic/sexual relationships. There are just some taboos that should not be broken — this is one of them. (Speaking of the love guru, that was Carrie Brownstein doing one of her characters from Portlandia, right?)
  2. When playing erotically with food, try to avoid making your partner look like a one-and-a-half-year-old in a high chair who just went full-tantrum on a bowl of mashed black beans.
  3. On a date, don’t succumb to any sexual pressure to do something you’re uncomfortable doing, whether that pressure is coming from your date or a sage-burning, irony-free bystander.
  4. That said, definitely try that breathing thing! Sit on your partner’s lap (or vice versa), place your mouths an inch apart, don’t kiss, and just breath in synch with each other (one in, the other out, etc) while touching each other “like you’ve never felt another human body before.” Editors’ note: Be sure to rinse with mouthwash beforehand.
  5. There’s something to be said for seeing yourself through your adoring partner’s eyes, rather than through your own unforgivingly critical ones. At the same time, women shouldn’t need a man to tell them they’re beautiful, give them confidence, or make them feel worthy. Take a compliment, but don’t rely on them.
  6. Never use these three words: “As a man.” Same goes for “Be a man.” There are no moral or righteous actions that these phrases might refer to that couldn’t also be taken by someone with a vagina (except for maybe peeing standing up). Acting like a decent human being is not the sole domain of manly men.
  7. While we’re on the topic of terms to avoid, never refer to another woman as “that.” It’s unkind.
  8. Finally, never use a tragic occurrence in your life to try gain love or sex (or, in this case, a pity rose). Your tale of woe is not a pickup line. Or an excuse to makeout. In fact, it may very well be a boner killer…or a rose snatcher.

Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”